Sex,.. ? embarrassed a bit but must ask

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by tandy, Oct 19, 2006.

  1. tandy

    tandy New Member

    I know the topic of sex and stuff has been brought up here so I hope this is apropriate for this board. (??)

    Hi all :)
    Due to the pain/fatigue of both Fibro (possible CF too)
    and Endometriosis,.... my desire has decreased alot.
    Its so hard to wanna have sex when you know after is worse pain. Not to mention it wears me right out!!

    How many have mates that get mad or angry with them?

    It seems so childish to me but AGAIN we're barely speaking because "I did'nt want to' last night.
    I'm just wondering if others go thru this too?

    Its stressing to me.
    yet I am just too exhausted! and I feel like my IC is acting up. My whole pelvic area is so sore.
    Please answer is you have any input on the subject~
    (with a NOT so understanding mate)
  2. hermitlady

    hermitlady Member

    I'm also embarassed to admit that I have no libido and tend to dread the pain involved. My husband goes thru different emotions about it...most of the time he's understanding. He knows it's not his fault in any way, and he doesnt' want to hurt me (physically or mentally). He just gets frustrated and would like it more often (of course) Once a month would be fine for me, poor guy.

    I try to make a point to take care of him (if you get the drift) and still make him feel loved. I have to remind myself that it's not all about me, ya know?

    It's hard to alleviate the guilt I feel tho. He deserves better. I never had much of a drive even before being sick, so it's a drag.

    Where's that Viagra for women????
  3. netnut

    netnut New Member

    DH and I dont really argue about this but we do sometimes forget that we need to connect intimately even if we cant be physical.

    Lately I have not felt my best because of ...well this DD, a long term bout with a bladder infection, and my bipolar has been acting up. Im just not feeling real well. Not only that but the meds dont help and Im feeling old and tired.

    DH is very good about not pressuring me for sex. He doesnt ever want to hurt me in any way. Problem is we need to remember that we can connect emotionally even if we dont "do the deed." I remember reading on a site about hysterectomies that advocated something called outercourse for people to do after the hysterectomy until you get cleared by the doctor for resuming activities. Sometimes that is something I need to remember can still be done when Im not feeling well enough for...well you know.

    Its important for couples to keep that loving connection. I know for me, being close and intimate that way really means alot to me.
  4. KMD90603

    KMD90603 New Member

    I am willing to bet you are not alone, and I, too, am on your side on this one. However, I have CFIDS and my problems lie with the fact that I'm often feeling so weak that I can barely lift my head off the couch, let alone think about sex.

    Also, I've recently decided to go off the birth control pill, because I suspect that has something to do with my decreased libido. My husband suggested going off the pill, and I'm thrilled about it. The nurse at the doctor's office felt that going off the pill won't improve it, but when I wasn't on the pill I was always raring to go. Now, I never want it.

    So, we'll see how my experiment off the pill works. But yes, I can totally relate to how you're feeling. My husband gets upset too, but, for the most part he realizes it's not him, it's me. And he's been okay with it thus far. Your husband needs to be mad at the disease, not at you.

    Gentle hugs,
  5. maedaze

    maedaze New Member

    This problem nearly ended our marriage. I had the same problem with endo, fibro, cfs. (have had a hysterectomy since for the endo) You need to tell your partner that if you were not in pain and soooooooo sore you too would dearly love to have sex.

    It wasn't untill my husband understood that I would still 'want to' too if i wasn't so sick, that our relationship became better. He was taking it as a personal rejection and that I didn't love him or was using it as a 'punishment' His ex-wife often withheld sex from him to get what she wanted.

    He basicly felt unloved and that i was 'playing games' with him. BUT HE NEVER said anything... just sulked?????

    Once it was all out in the open and he understood that it was my BODY not co-operating and not me, things got a whole lot better. He understands now that pain and 'sex drive' seem to be on the same 'highway', get the pain level down, hot bath, massage etc that there was a chance to 'play'.

    It wasn't until after the hysterectomy that we have been able to do it 'properly' as the pelvic pain was always so bad. But there was a few yrs before that, that we had half a sex life. But once he realised i did love him still, he said he would perfer a half sex life with me than a full one with some one else.

    Even now he knows that when i am going through a flare, there's no sex, but it doesn't affect him now as he knows its not a personal rejection.

    Hope this helps, but i have a feeling he is taking this as a personal rejection too, but in reality its our bodies that are just not up to it. Once the understanding is there from both sides, your stress level about will decrease over it.

  6. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    Wow I read your Bio and Honey there are lots of reasons you probably do not feel like having sex.You have a lot of stuff on you that is very tiring.

    You should talk to your Doctor about this to be sure there are no other health problems going on.Also tell him your husband is not very understanding.Ask him to talk to your hubby about all your health problems.

    When it calms down just try talking to him .He might be thinking its him and we know how it hurts their egos.Just tell him how much you love him and that you would like things to be different.Let him know you miss things to but your health is just really bad right now.

    Try doing a lot of talking to him about things he is interested in, work on your friendship togeher.Give him time to understand and do other loving things for him when you can.Men want Love that doesnt always have to be sex.

    But keep the lines of communication open so he has no reason to look elsewhere .If he really loves you and you explan its a real health problem he will try to understand.
    He may just feel embarressed or feel like it was a rejection of him.

  7. Callum

    Callum New Member

    My interest/drive has not only decreased do to the DD, but also do the Lexapro that I take for depression (I love what this medication has done for me, EXCEPT for the fact that the effect it has on my labido.)

    Sensitive information: Granted, my partner is one of the most understanding people in the world, but he still has needs. We strike a balance by using aids such as movies and such.

    I had to remove all the shame and guilt HE might feel for exploring "self-gratification" by making it something that I support, and that we could share in.

    Just laying your head on his chest, even if that's all you have the energy for, while he finds the release he needs can make it a shared experience of intimacy.

    I'm sorry if this is too graphic - I've tried to keep it PG.

    It's never easy. I think that, for us suffering from the DD, it is easy to feel shame and guilt that there is one more thing we can't do with any regularity.

    Open discussion from both of you can only help.

    Best of luck!
  8. nixon

    nixon New Member

    Hi Tandy, I can TOTALLY relate! My husband is really good with all of this crap (Fibro,CFIDS), BUT.... he does get disgusted with me not wanting sex. I've been going to the FFC in Las Vegas, my dr. put me on Testosterone to try to UP my libido. I believe it WORKED!!!! My husband was a happy camper for a couple of weeks, but then I started on anti-virals and got so sick that I stopped the Testosterone. After being really sick for the past month, Today I'm feeling alot better, started the testosterone again today, and after my husband left for work this a.m.(pissed off, due to lack of sex for the past few weeks) He will once again be a happy camper when he gets home this evening!!! I generally DON'T feel like sex after dinner, so That will be dinner!!! Then we will figure out what to eat afterwards!!! Hang in there Tandy!! Nixon

    BILLCAMO New Member

    These DD's can have the same effect on men.

    Blessings ,

  10. larryh

    larryh New Member

    They sure do!

  11. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    but check w/gyno for anything new for help w/the endometriosis. or possibly just plain old surgery for it.

    and for the tiredness. maybe some b12 and some caffiene if you can tolerate it.

    plus also i know meds can affect the libdo. so look at what you may be taking that could be hindering that issue.

    then i should've went on your bio first to see how young you are. i like to think that i am almost 42 and young

    and of course, counseling for you both if there are other issues at state. and i don't remember if you have little kids you are contending with.

    and there are also other things to do besides the usual sexual intercourse. but that is a personal issue for you to decide on. i know everyone is different on that topic.

    but maybe if he gives you some back rubs etc. that will help get your endorphins pumping to block out pain. it is a natural morphine for our body. that is why these dr's keep trying to stress to us exercise. if you can do it.

    i have had other female problems so i know about pain down under. but i always felt better during sex usally, then better after for a few good moments of no pain all over.

    take the top position maybe that way you can help control you pain tolerance.

  12. ephemera

    ephemera New Member

    Lately I've found I'm into a strong pain avoidance mode. So anything that creates more pain in any form is a real no-no for me.

    So when I can't even touch my own skin, such as the left arm to the right, you can imagine how little I want to be touched by another person. Sometimes, such as on bad IBS days, I don't even want to be looked at!

    All in all, when my partner brings up lovemaking & her own interest I try to be reassuring that someday I'll be better. And, there are occasional days that are taken advantage of when pain levels are manageable.

    I highly recommend lots of gentle hugs & snuggling, shared dinners, reading to each other in bed or listening to quiet audiotapes in bed, in general relating to each other in a close way.

    There are lots of forms of intimacy & lots of ways to have sex. I think FM/CFIDS teaches us we need to listen to our bodies in new ways. We are all grownups here & we each need to find what works for us.
  13. jole

    jole Member

    For me, sex is like having sharp knives tear through my insides (has nothing to do with lubrication). Don't know if anyone else feels like that, but I do, and it's terrible. My hubby is very understanding, and I know how lucky I am. It also makes me hurt the next day.

    Yes, there are other things to do, but snuggling?? Oh, not a good idea w/ my hubby!!:)
  14. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    you have three boys is it? anyways three young ones.

    you body is definitely changing, mine

    i have had ovarian cyts surgeries...and i dealt w/polps in my uterus. hormones lady..they are for the birds.

    i would deal w/gyno first talk it over w/them and have hormones checked.

    and see about what can be done for the endometriosis.

    then may need to change your mating habits. tell him you need more massages to relax or touching. before the deed can even be thought of. if you need him to draw bath up for you first then tell him.

    tell him we are 18 anymore or in our 20's our and his body chemistry changes the older we get.

    so he may encounter some problems in his future which is normal. and tell him you will be there for him if it ever happens to him.

    this all i can think of give it a whirl.

  15. tandy

    tandy New Member

    Everyones input is so apreciated on this subject~

    I totally understand the cuddling and close time does'nt hafta mean intercourse. Problem is is he does'nt. (big baby!)
    Its not like he goes without by any means.
    We have sex a whopping once a week. LOL

    and thats more often than I'd like but I gotta keep him semi-content ya know. if I went by how I felt,..? we'd have sex once a month,..maybe. lol
    It does'nt help matters that HE does'nt even feel Fibro is a real illness. He says that when I've tried to eat better foods,quit smoking and exersize and if I still feel like hell,then maybe FM is real.
    Yea,.. eat right,no smoking and exersize is gonna make all this pain go away.
    Fibro is too vague a disease for him. He thinks that everyone has some degree of fibro cause he has days when he's just as tired and achy.
    whole other subject huh!!?
    I can't win

    anyhoo- Thanks again for at least showing me that others go thru this nightmare to.
  16. EllenComstock

    EllenComstock New Member

    I think a lot of us can relate to this problem. As you know, I also have endo and FMS, both of which can cause pain during intercourse. My husband is pretty understanding, but I know he wishes we would have sex more often. It doesn't help that we also sleep in separate beds. We both just sleep better that way. I sometimes get in bed with him (he goes to bed earlier than I do) and we cuddle until he falls asleep.

    I will try to say this not too graphically, but there are other ways to touch a man that feel really good to him. I have learned through experimentation and him telling me, what really feels good to him. I often have to switch hands, as I have problems with pain in my hands and they tire easily. He, unfortunately, is on medication that slows him down, so he often has to take over and finish the job. But I really work to make it a nice experience for him. Of course when I'm really hurting, it's hard to even do this.

    I do enjoy my husband massaging and touching me. He, too, has learned what feels good to me. But we still have the problem of intercourse hurting me and I know he misses that part. If only I didn't have the pain and fatigue.
    Sometimes we put in a video. It's more for him than me since men are more visual, but it does help to set the mood. Or sometimes we play music softly.

    If my husband had his way, we would have sex (with intercourse) four to five times a week! I am content with maybe twice a month.

    Sorry I went on about this, but as you can see by my message and others here, this is definitely a problem for many of us. Other have suggested therapy. Maybe try to find a therapist who specializes in sexual therapy and understands chronic illness? If your husband doesn't want to go, it would probably be helpful for you to go.

    Even if you didn't have health problems, just having three kids and keeping the household going, is enough to tire any woman out and make her feel she's not in the mood. Throw in several health problems and the problem is quadrupled.


    P.S. Once in awhile when my husband has acted frustrated, I have reminded him to get angry at my FMS and endo, not at me.
  17. momofabz

    momofabz New Member

    I'm glad you brought up the subject...I had a total hyst, ovaries removed, and major abdominal muscle repair(which tore again and I need to get fixed AGAIN) Has anyone experienced an orgasm migraine ? This has been going on with me since the begining of summer. I did alot of reading and it really is a conition,,,,isn't that stupid.....?
    [This Message was Edited on 10/20/2006]

    BILLCAMO New Member

    Will help some others understand......

    A young truck driving friend of mine , had just come in from a tough across the country run. He kept telling me how tired and beat up he felt. He was trying to finish his log books up so that he could go home and get some sleep. He kept commenting about how hard it was to complete this task because of how bad he felt.

    After he was done , he said he sure hoped his wife would let him get some sleep before she "jumped his bones".

    I just looked at John and said : Ya know , the way you feel right now is how I feel on my good days. On my bad days , the truck had also rolled over me.

    He now understands my challenges better.

    ( Some of this story has been edited & modified to get a PG13 rating....LOL ).

    Blessings ,


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