Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by rickj44, Oct 3, 2011.

  1. rickj44

    rickj44 Member

    As we know, sex can be difficult, but its also one of the pleasures we can have, but recently for me, my wife has no desire due to menopause.. over the last few months we went from a very close couple too strangers, because she will have no contact what so ever, nothing... she also wont have her testosterone tested a simple blood test.. i feel betrayed, i dont expect sex but there are other things that we can do as you know...i already told her i am not spending the rest of my life in a sex-less marriage..34 yrs of it.. Now i know why older men sometimes have affairs.. and they end up the bad guy, but really there could be more too the story..
  2. Babs41

    Babs41 New Member

    Yes, rickj44, there could be more to the story! Do you really know how your wife actually feels about having lost her sexual desire? I lost my drive, it really sucks and I do not enjoy being this way. I tried everything the docs told me: testosterone, estrogen, progesterone, herbs, vitamins etc, they didn't work. I still have no sex drive due to this illness.

    You seem to think she made a choice in her disappearing desire, has a choice in it coming back and is just withholding from you. I'm sure she feels betrayed just as much and threating an affair only encourages more distance. Would you enjoy that attitude from her if she a great amount of desire and you had erectile dysfunction leaving you unable to perform? Fortunately for you there is a pill to help with that but nothing to help women. Could it be that she has lost her closeness to you because you are only wanting sex from her and forgetting about the other important things to her and your relationship with her?

    There could be more to her story too.

  3. rickj44

    rickj44 Member

    Not to important too a women obviously , if i was 73 it would certainly be less important, i am 52, and like i said there are more things than can be done, then sex.I am the one with Fibromyalgia not her.. all she has to do is get a few blood tests done to rule out very low Testosterone , but she wont.. so that tell me she dont care to much about my feelings, so the door is now open..for me , i did not sign up for a sex-less or no contact marriage... not hugs no nothing....
  4. Babs41

    Babs41 New Member

    Who said it wasn't important to women? In my post I said it really sucks for me and the millions of women out there in this position. Nobody likes it especially at a young age. There is not much help from the medical community for women with this problem either. As I have also said I tried everything the doctors threw at me and it didn't do anything. Should any wife or husband be thrown to curb like a dirty dish towel because worth in marriage should only be based on an ability to have sex rather than a whole person?

    Having Fibro doesn't mean you automatically loose your drive, but menopause does. You are obviously very angry. I do hope you discuss this with a doctor and hope you open your heart and mind to your wife's position.
  5. TigerLilea

    TigerLilea Active Member

    Rick, it isn't as easy as taking a pill and the problem is solved. If your wife is going through peri/menopause then her hormones are in the process of changing, especially her estrogen and progesterone. For some women they go through a spell where they are totally turned off by not just sex, but having any physical contact at all. Most of the time, this is just a temporary situation.

    The fact that you are ready to give up on your wife after only a few months and have an affair tells me that there is more going on here than just the fact that you aren't getting any right now. You need to dig deeper to find what the real problem is.
  6. rickj44

    rickj44 Member

    What bother me the most is she wont try nothing.. zero.. no tests no nothing... there nothing more to the story.. a few months back, we were close as ever.. no i dont understand it at all,, if it was the other way around.. and say i could not have sex at all i know i would find a way too help her... its not about sex even though the headline says so, its about close-ness.. and as its early , i cant see spending the rest of my life like this..
  7. joanierav

    joanierav Member

    you sound like a really nice guy, and i feel sorry for you. most guys would just go out and have the affair, but you sound like you truly want to help your wife. its really rough when one partner wants to help the problem and the other doesnt even want to try. is it possible that she may be having an affair? thats what made my ex stop having sex with me.

    maybe you can go speak to the doctor alone about this, (and tell her this) and maybe he will have some good advice for you. even be able to perscribe meds without seeing her.

    good luck, and hugs

  8. rickj44

    rickj44 Member

    I know for a fact she is not having an affair, she is home all the time, no job, and i am home all the time also with Fibro.. she told me straight out she will not take any pills. and she wont talk to her Doctor.. he is a Male.. she just feels that, its one of those things that happen when you get older, and she excepts it... and i guess i am on my own..

    One poster here said something about me threating her about having a affair, i would never ever do that...I can talk to my Doctor, but without her co-operation it will go no where..and also she would never go to a therapist , over a sex issue, she is too never was that important to her , so i guess now that she has no drive, its very easy for her, to erase it from her life..

    so i dont know the ending to this story, but i will someday..

    Ps.. I always thought of myself as a nice
  9. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    I don't think that you are threatening an affair and maybe some responses have come off a little bit like that.
    I think that what you're missing is intimacy and that IS important in a marriage - very.

    If she's not "into it", then I do believe that she needs to help you understand why, or help herself understand why. I think it's somewhat normal for men and women to be on different pages during times in their lives as to how important sex actually is for them. To me I could actually care less much of the time, however the intimacy is still very important to me. It brings a closeness like none other.

    I get your frustration. Will she talk to you about it all all? Maybe taking the subject of actual sex off the table, but more about how you want to feel close to her, even holding her at night, kissing/hugging etc. Maybe the unexpected kiss etc. while she's cooking dinner. Women need to feel the love, then they have the sex. Men feel love because of the sex. Woo her, write her a note and leave it on the mirror. It may or may not have the end result you have in mind, but it will definitely bring the two of you closer.

    I believe you are a nice guy and didn't come here to get any criticism because you're a guy who wants sex from his wife. It's perfectly normal. Usually there is a reason, but whether it's physical or not remains to be seen. Many women can go without for a long time. Unlike men.

    Hope things turn out for you!
  10. rickj44

    rickj44 Member

    Right now i feel so betrayed, and hurt, that a partner and lover of 34 yrs cant give me a 1/2 hr a week of compassion.. because she has nothing inside, but she can do everything else just fine, like shopping, ,so maybe if i get over this anger , i can move forward....we have not slept together for 15 yrs, which is fine, because we both have sleep issues..

    Its like i am living with my mother, she is not even the same person she once was her personality has changed, she will at times mother me like i am a little boy that cant make his own mind up. I have looked after the house expenses and also anything that needs to be done for over 30 yrs. She doesn't even see the bills that come in, its all taken care of, no stress for her in that regard.

    Atleast i am glad some of you see my side , i was getting beat up here for a moment..
  11. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Once one gets to the place where an affair feel justified, a lot of damage has already begun. I can see the hurt in your posts. If your wife won't discuss this with you nor see a doc, perhaps she will agree to counseling. Have you approached this from the perspective of being concerned for her health instead of just talking about the tests and your need for sexual activity? Perhaps she feels as though that's the only agenda you have. If she is in perimenopause, she is fighting her own hormonal demons and the pressure to get the tests and engage in any kind of sexual activities may be pushing her to dig in her heels.

    How is the rest of your relationship? Do you find joy in other activities? Do you have common things to discuss? Do you show affection in little ways without expecting them to lead to sex? Do you ask her how she's feeling and really listen?

    I'm not laying any blame on either of you. It's not my job to judge. I'm just trying to offer some ideas for finding out what is going on. The problem isn't that she isn't interested in sex; the problem seems to be that, as a couple, you cannot communicate nor show feelings and understanding for one another. That's a BIG problem for many couples and it isn't until mid-life that it comes to a head. These problems could have been simmering for years. Or, they could just be the result of hormones gone awry without the tools to deal with it.

    In any case, if you have an affair, it will complicate things to the point that the marriage may not be able to recover. Try everything else first. And, if you do decide to have an affair, please take the responsibility for it and not lay the blame on your wife's lack of sexual desire. No one else, nor their behavior, makes us do things. We make our own choices.

    Love, Mikie
  12. rickj44

    rickj44 Member

    So we had a talk and i think i got her talked into going for a blood test, and talking to the Dr about her problems, next month on her appt...but it was difficult, to get her to agree..which really makes me wonder why a person would except the way they are and not even try anything...I told her if her hair started falling out she would be at the Doctors front door before they opened up...
    In return i said i would start supporting her we will see what this leads too..
  13. Chelz

    Chelz New Member

    Rick, so you are feeling beat up by this, but in a small way I can understand. Let me explain. I am a woman, 46, who is approaching menopause AND I have FM.

    You're post made me feel slightly uncomfortable only because I can understand some issues with your wife. First of all, sex has always been difficult. I am not sure if it is because of the FM, or what, but it has, and it is a somewhat delicate sore subject.

    Also, I am now approaching 46 and I have to say, I never gave menopause a second thought until about 6 months ago when I started noticing a lot of changes in me. These changes, on top of the FM, are difficult to say the least. I won't go into details, but please believe me, men are very lucky to "escape" this problem.

    Maybe you feel you are not "escaping" the problem because it is your wife who is going through this, but in a way, you are too, just because you are her husband.

    Unfortunately, when it comes to menopause, it takes a lot of tweaking with hormones, understanding the loss of libido (in all ways), and how difficult it is for women, where as I suppose only another woman would truly understand this, and it is no reflection on you, just we are built hormonally different than you guys, add the emotional aspect of it and you get the picture. Women's bodies are complicated, after all, we can grow babies, that alone is fascinating

    Have you tried good old fashioned romance with her? Try not to think of "the act" but just pure romance, complementing her, listening to her, then maybe some romantic gestures towards her............and she how she reacts? I don't mean to sound patronizing to you, I really don't, but it could make all the difference for her maybe? Good luck to you, hugs, Chelz.

  14. clementyne

    clementyne New Member

    There are so many things that could be going on with your wife. It sounds like the pair of you always had a good relationship, sexually & otherwise, before this happened so that makes me think there is something going on.

    For myself, sex became very painful and I found myself pulling away from my husband because I was afraid any physical contact would lead to it. I also became angry & confused. It hurt so much & I felt my husband didn't care as long as he 'got his', as they say.

    I told my dr. about it but he never really did anything and I thought maybe that was just how it was. I tried HRT but decided the risks were too great considering it had little effect.

    I also started to think I had emotional problems - that maybe I had been sexually abused as a child & couldn't remember it ... so many thoughts & emotions & I just wanted to hide from it.

    I say all this to say, now that your wife has at least had that bit of a talk with you, perhaps you could talk more. Tell her you love her & you are in this for the long haul. I feared my husband would leave me even if I never voiced that fear. Ask her if it is painful for her. That may or may not be the case but you need to know.

    Ask her if she was happy with your sex life before this happened. Sometimes men don't understand that orgasm is not always easy for women and she might need a different approach.

    Talking (I think) is the most important thing. Be gentle & loving not angry & judgmental when you bring this topic up as she is no doubt defensive.

    Be willing to invest your time is non-sexual affection. I know you said she doesn't want that either but she might be afraid, like I was, of any affection leading to sex.

    Most of all, don't give up on your wife or your marriage until you have done all you can. An affair will not help & you owe it to your marriage to stay faithful. Dr. Phil says you have to work your way out of a marriage. Meaning until you have done everything you can to repair it, the right thing to do is to stay. How would you want the husband of your sister or daughter or mother to behave?

    Good luck to you.

  15. mightyoldman

    mightyoldman New Member

    Rick I too am in the exact same position as you are. My wife of only 5 years is going through menopause and I am the one with Fibromyalgia.

    I have not read all of the replies to your comment, it seems like there are many people who feel strongly about what you say.

    For me it came just as you said, last year we were active and close, and this year sex is a distant memory.

    I think for us we both feel very distant because of our difficult living circumstances due to my not being able to work for 2 years, we are basically homeless, living in temporary housing for these two and a half years.

    She is in something of a denial with her own symptoms. She says that the extra pounds she put on makes her feel unattractive and the sweats also. I take what she says and I gave her some distance like she asked for, but I started to feel a few months ago that there must be more to it. Added with The pain I have experienced gave us both excuses not to work on keeping active.

    There are ladies here who know exactly what my wife is feeling, and I believe that if they could give us guys some help in how to encourage our wives then I'm sure it would be benificial for us to listen.

    My wife didn't sign up for my not working and providing while she works at an $8 an hour job just to make our ends meet, and so I take seriously that this is part of the "Worse" of the marriage vows that I took. I understand completely about wanting sex and see how men cheat, I never really thought of it like that until you mentioned it, but take away the word cheating and the act of cheating, and allow us men to feel so strongly about our natural disire and struggles, with the world saturated in sex just to draw us men away from our marriage vows. I too hate that I feel this way!!

    Marriage wasn't built on Sex, its an ingredient that makes marriages successful, and when that is taken away for what ever reason, then be thankful that the foundations of marriage were never meant to be built on sex.

    I am truely struggling with this issue alone in our marriage, along with a host of other things in our young marriage. It doesn't seem right that we should be tested, when we were both so healthy just five short years ago. But while I still have my wife on this earth, I plan on delivering to her my level best to be there for her in her struggles.

    [This Message was Edited on 10/07/2011]

  16. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I am sorry that you are also dealing with this problem. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of us here because we deal, not only with our illness, but also with the effect they have on our relationships and finances.

    I took the liberty to insert some paragraph breaks where you had put them. If you will just strike the Enter key twice, instead of just once, it will put a space between your paragraphs. So many of us here need the spaces in between so we can read the posts. For some reason, when I do this, it causes larger spaces than if it had been done originally but it's still easier to read. I would hate it if people missed what you have to say.

    Love, Mikie
  17. Babs41

    Babs41 New Member

    (copyrighted material removed)

    oops sorry![This Message was Edited on 10/07/2011]
  18. Babs41

    Babs41 New Member

    I hope they follow it through together because just as fibro affects them both so does menopause. It seems to be only for the last few months so she may need time adjust before she is ready to see a doc. You know, I just don't want to see them pitted against each other and divided.

    It's not possible for me to know the severity of rick's fibro, but it's possible that due to fibro, he has not been able to meet a lot of her needs, just as she can't meet his current need at this point in time. A little understanding and patience is needed.

    For me, menopause needs just as much understanding and education as CFS/ME, Fibro etc. From the list of symptoms for menopause, there seem to a lot of symptoms that we with our illness share. While she may not have our illness she is doing a similar battle and it's no fun either way so some empathy is in order for and from both sides. Remember all the well meaning people who tell us: oh, you should try this treatment, or this herb, or just get over it, there's nothing wrong with you, you're lazy, and the list goes on. It wouldn't be right to do that to this couple having a difficult time.

    It might be more helpful to rick if some women posted their experience with menopause or men who went on the journey with their partner. That could explain it better for rick so he has more insight. Who knows? Just a thought.
  19. QuayMan

    QuayMan Member

    I used to think that the morals of affairs were very clear cut.

    However, if this were to continue indefinitely, and the wife (who lets remember doesn't have ME, CFS, FMS, etc.) made no effort (for, say, 1 year??), I think the morals of affair would not be 100% one way and so would differ on this issue from a previous poster on where blame should be apportioned in such a situation.

    One can be partly to "blame" if one doesn't do things e.g. if one had a bleeding mole or other health issue and one doesn't get it seen to.

    Let's hope it doesn't get to that stage.

    [This Message was Edited on 10/07/2011]
  20. lvjesus

    lvjesus Member

    Sorry you are having trouble :(

    I am 47 and beginning with the menopause thing too. I also have FM. Sex is not painful for me usually, but my drive - gone. I still have sex with my husband for his sake. I think he has accepted it as that but it used to bother him. It is hard for men to understand maybe that it has nothing to do with them. My lack of desire or enjoyment has nothing to do with him. It's not his fault.

    We too don't have that much physical contact although we used to be very affectionate with one another. I know it is like the other lady who said she is worried that contact will lead to sex and if you just really don't feel like it, you might hold back completely. Just my 2 cents worth. If you really want some closeness and you are okay with it NOT leading to sex, you should let her know that you just want to be close to her sometimes.

    As I said, I still do it for my husband's sake even if I don't enjoy it. It does not hurt me or anything, so why not?