Share a joke

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by ABLUV, Dec 13, 2006.

  1. ABLUV

    ABLUV New Member

    Share a joke

    Okay gang, it's time to laugh. Tell a joke or two - or more. Let's see how long we can keep this thread going, okay?

    Here's a couple to start:


    A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

    After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms, and opened his mouth.

    "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

    This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over. The Nurse inserted the thermometer then announced, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

    She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

    After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

    Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

    After a pause, the doctor smirks, "Not with a carnation."


    A guy walks into work and both of his ears have bandages on them. The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”

    He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally held the iron to my ear.”

    The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”

    He says, “Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!”

  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    the joke went that I posted a couple hours ago. I wonder what the joke was. Maybe Santa will bring me a new memory chip for Xmas.

    Here's a joke I just found on the net.

    Save time and energy. Buy the new NEUROTIC DOLL. It's already wound up.

    This is rather a dated joke tho. I haven't seen a windup toy for decades.
  3. Jorgie

    Jorgie New Member

    I love really bad jokes... here's my dad's.

    You ever been camping... it's intense (in tents)

    Like I said it's bad.
  4. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Not a bad joke. At least it's not camp.

    Here's a joke for you. Don't know if it's old or new as I just found it on the net.

    Two guys go fishing and have terrible luck. In one weekend they catch only one fish. Driving home Fred says, "Do you realize that one fish we caught cost us $800?"

    Says Bill. "Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more."

  5. texangal81

    texangal81 New Member

    A young couple joined a new church and the pastor told them, 'We require all new member couples to abstain from sex for one whole month.'

    The couple agreed, but after two weeks returned to see the pastor. The wife was crying and the husband was obviously depressed. 'You are back so soon, is there a problem?' inquired the pastor.

    'We did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,' the young man replied sadly. 'The first week we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible and as we began the third week we were powerless.'

    The pastor asked what happened. The young man replied, 'My wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her right then and there. 'It was lustful, loud, and passionate. It lasted over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat.'

    The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

    'We understand,' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Home Depot either.'

  6. ABLUV

    ABLUV New Member

    the Lord decided he would visit the earth and take a stroll. Walking down the road, the Lord encountered a man who was crying.

    The Lord asked the man, "Why are you crying, my son?"
    The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset.

    The Lord touched the man and he could see and he was happy.
    As the Lord walked further, he met another man crying and asked, "Why are you crying, my son?"
    The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord touched him and he could walk and he was happy.
    Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked, "Why are you crying, my son?"

    The man said, "Lord, I work for the Government,"

    …The Lord sat down and cried with him.
  7. ABLUV

    ABLUV New Member

    got a joke, anyone? I could use a good laugh...
  8. ABLUV

    ABLUV New Member

    A snake and a rabbit crashed into each other one day. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two forgot about the collision and began comparing the problems of being blind. The snake said his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. So the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

    The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

    The rabbit, happy to know his identity, began to return the favor to the snake. After feeling the snake's body for a few minutes, he said, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!”
  9. victoria

    victoria New Member

    So, here's one:

    A man went hunting one day in Georgia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden who'd just been given a warning at work, and was looking to work off some steam.

    The game warden ordered the man to show his hunting license; he pulled out a valid Georgia hunting license.

    The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its "bottom", and said, 'This duck ain't from Georgia . This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?'

    The many quietly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting license.

    The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its 'bottom', and said 'This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's from Mississippi! You got a Mississippi license?'

    The man again silently reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license.

    The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its 'bottom, and said,

    'This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from South Carolina .. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?'

    Again the man reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

    The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the man, 'Boy, just where the h--- ARE you from?'

    The man turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said,

    'You tell me-- You're the expert.'

    (Disclaimer, if I already told this joke here, excuse, tired and can't look to be sure... LOL it's late!)

  10. GreenOnions

    GreenOnions New Member

    Here's one I saw last night, on an antique car forum:

    How Many Posters Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

    1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

    6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” …

    another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

    2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”

    15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct

    19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum

    11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

    36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

    5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

    15 People to post “I can’t see S$%^!” and their own light bulbs

    7 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs

    4 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s

    13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”

    5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

    4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”

    13 to say “do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”

    1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that George W. isn’t the brightest bulb.

    4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

    1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

    1 poster to claim all the other posters are lightbulbophobes

  11. victoria

    victoria New Member

    ain't that the truth!!! too funny!

  12. Waynesrhythm

    Waynesrhythm Member

    Hi All,

    Texangal, loved your Home Depot story. I don't have a joke today, but saw a cute bumper sticker on a car parked by the local library: "TV is gooder than reading".

    [This Message was Edited on 09/06/2008]
  13. Gingareeree

    Gingareeree New Member

    Lennie and Olie were meeting @ a bar for drinks. Lennie arrives first and sits down next to an Indian. The Indian says to Lennie,"I have a riddle for you. If you guess the answer correctly,I'll buy you a beer otherwise you buy me a beer. Lennie agrees. The Indian says" My parents had child,it wasn't my brother and it wasn't my sister, who was it?? Lennie thinks and thinks and he can't come up with the answer. The Indian replies"It was ME!!" He then gets up and sits across the room. Just then Olie arrives. Lennie says to him,"Hey Olie I have a riddle for you. If you guess it right I buy you a beer, otherwise you buy me a beer. Olie agrees. So Lennie says "My parents had a child, it wasn't my brother and it wasn't my sister, who was it??" Olie thinks and thinks.He can't come up with the answer. So....Lennie points to the Indian and says"It was that Indian over there!"
  14. victoria

    victoria New Member

    A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with 2 drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

    'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today! So I'm celebrating it with a drink!'

    The bartender says,
    'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you the drink. So, this one is on me.'

    The woman thanks the bartender, and downs her drink quite quickly. The woman to her right chimes in,
    'I would like to buy you a drink, too, to celebrate your birthday.'

    The lady says,
    'Oh, thank you SO very much. Bartender, I want another Scotch with 2 drops of water.'

    'Coming up,' says the bartender.

    As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,
    'The more the merrier! -I would like to buy you one, too.'

    The old woman says,
    'Why, thank you! - Bartender, another Scotch with 2 drops of water, please.'

    'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

    As he gives her the drink, he says,
    'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why Scotch with only 2 drops of water?'

    The old woman replies,
    'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor..... but holding your water, however, is a whole other issue!'

  15. colorfulcolorado

    colorfulcolorado New Member

    Two women, a blonde and a brunette were eating breakfast. A cell phone rang several times. The brunette asked "why don't you answer your phone?" The blonde replies "It can't be mine, know one knows I'm here!"
  16. colorfulcolorado

    colorfulcolorado New Member

    Two men were sitting at a bar and staring into their drinks. One guy got a curious look on his face and asked his friend "have you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?" The friend said. "Yep, I've been married to one for 15 years!"
  17. colorfulcolorado

    colorfulcolorado New Member

    A 38 year old virgin woman goes to the doctor. She's never been hit on and is concerned she's going to die a virgin.

    So, she goes to a new age Chinese doctor and tells him exactly that, she's concerned about the above mentioned.

    He tells her to take off her clothes and get on all fours with your butt facing him. And to crawl away from him about 6 steps or so.

    And so she does.

    The doctor says, "turn around and crawl towards me six steps".

    So, she does and asks her stand up. He goes "Oh, I Sheee"....

    Being concerned she says "what's that mean?"

    The doctor says "You have Egsackseries disease!"

    And she says "OMG, what's that?"

    "Your butt look egsackery(exactly) like your face!"
  18. zenouchy

    zenouchy Member

    Here's a funny sent to me by a friend. I'm sure we could replace "A.A.A.D.D." with fibro-fog! Have a great day all. Erika

    Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -

    Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it manifests:

    I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

    As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

    I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

    So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

    But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

    I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

    My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

    I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
    I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

    As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

    I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

    I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

    I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote that someone left it on the kitchen table.

    I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I wil l be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

    I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

    So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

    Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

    At the end of the day:
    the driveway is flooded,
    the car isn't washed,
    the bills aren't paid,
    there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
    there is still only one check in my check book,
    I can't find the remote,
    I can't find my glasses ,
    and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

    Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long,
    and I'm really tired.
  19. colorfulcolorado

    colorfulcolorado New Member

    That is practically my day, everyday! You couldn't have said it better, LOL:)
  20. victoria

    victoria New Member

    A woman told her friend:
    “For eighteen years my husband and I were the happiest people in the world! --Then we met.”

    A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips. After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word before hearing any more confessions.

    “I’ve got a few suggestions,” he says. “First, try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.”

    The new priest tries this.

    “Very good,” says his senior. “Now try saying things like 'I see', 'I understand' and 'Yes, go on."

    The younger priest practices saying these too. Then he hears another confession with the older priest listening in private. Afterwards, the older priest congratulations him, saying,

    “Well done!.... Now don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying: “NO WAY! What happened NEXT?”

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