Shopping for a bathing suitI totally realated to it.

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by ckball, May 11, 2007.

  1. ckball

    ckball New Member

    This was just too good not to share
    -Have a good laugh-

    Swimsuit Torture

    When I was a child in the 1950s the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered.

    They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.

    Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

    The mature woman has a choice-she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands.

    What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.

    The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.

    The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

    I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror my bosom had disappeared!

    Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

    The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed bump.

    I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

    The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it.

    The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides.

    I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.

    As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are!" , she said, admiring the bathing suit.

    I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

    I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

    I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

    I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

    I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

    Finally, I found a suit that fit . . ... a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.

    It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label that read -- "Material might become transparent in water."

    isn't that the way it always goes, that is why I haven't bought a new suit in 10 years-I can still wear it but I show more bottom than I use to, so I bought a pair of swim shorts to cover it up. Carla


  2. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Thanks for the early morning bellylaugh, Carla. This goes along somewhat with the cropped pants thread only this is funny.

    Bottom line (no pun intended) is that we women need to get a grip on "fashion".

  3. alaska3355

    alaska3355 New Member

    is torture! Not my favorite thing, I can assure you! I got a new one last year- I'll probably have it for 10 years!
  4. JLH

    JLH New Member

    "Most" people would not parade around a beach in their underwear; however, the bathing suits these days have LESS material in them than your underwear!!!!
  5. Fmandy

    Fmandy New Member

    Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka-dot Bikini
    Brian Hyland
    She was afraid to come out of the locker
    She was as nervous as she could be
    She was afraid to come out of the locker
    She was afraid that somebody would see
    One, two, three, four, tell the people what she wore

    [ It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini
    That she wore for the first time today.
    An itsy bitsy teentie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini ]
    So in the locker she wanted to stay.
    Two, three, four, stick around we'll tell you more

    She was afraid to come out in the open
    And so a blanket around she wore
    She was afraid to come out in the open
    And so she sat bundled up on the shore
    Two, three, four, tell the people what she wore
    [ repeat ]

    So in the blanket she wanted to stay.
    Two, three, four, stick around we'll tell you more

    Now she is afraid to come out of the water
    And I wonder what she's gonna do
    Now she is afraid to come out of the water
    And the poor little girl's turning blue
    Two, three, four, tell the people what she wore
    [ repeat ]

    So in the water she wanted to stay.
    From the locker to the blanket
    From the blanket to the shore
    From the shore to the water
    Yes there isn't any more.
  6. ckball

    ckball New Member

    Itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini.

    I use to wear on MANYYYYYYYYY years ago before giving birth,lol Now I have a space suit tummy reducing one but it wants to be a thong if I more too much, that is why I bought black swim shorts to wear with it. Glad you ladies liked it and related- Carla