should i go or stay??????????

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by bapakay, Nov 14, 2005.

  1. bapakay

    bapakay New Member

    My father in law passed away and i am due to fly out wednesday morning with my two daughters. My husband and his brother drove down over the weekend. I could not make the long trip by car.
    I am in a terrible flair. My husband was home all last week as his company let him off. He drives a big rig and they didn't want him driving. His mom waited a week to have the services so everyone could make it. we are scattered all over the county.
    AS always, i overdue when he is around. I knew a flair was coming on.Everyday that I was going to take it easy something came up or family came over. So I am now down and out and it is mon night.
    I can't see my recovering in one day and am torm apart about traveling. it will be fast and furious. I leave wed am and return sat am. this is from okla to florida and back. I do have a drs appt in morning which i am going to keep. I am thinking she will ground me and then it won't beme making the decision.
    Do you all try to go along as if everyting is okay to make it easier on your family??? I have not yet learned to go at a slow pace for me it is all or nothing.
    I want to be there for my husband and mother in law who has been like a mother to me. But I know I am not up to a trip. If I force it then I will probably be in a flair for a week. any suggestions????
    I was also diagnosed a few weeks ago with spondylitis. Have been taking methotrexate for a couple of weeks now.
    It just keeps on coming at me!!!!
    Thanks for listening. This board is my soft place to fall. Good night my friends!! bapakay
  2. jaltair

    jaltair New Member

    Relationships are so difficult! Some in the family simply cannot understand what FMS/CFS is and think that there must be another explanation for my problems. Family tends to cheer me on to "try", "come on", "it's for the kids", etc. I have a hard time doing things for ME. Sounds like you may have similar problems.

    It's so easy for me to say to you to just tell the family, "I just can't go or the flare will be worse." I know how difficult it is to do that.

    Perhaps validation by your doctor will cause less stress on you. Tell your doctor that you need his/her help with this. I've talked with my rheumy and internist about how I have difficulties, and they tend to help me through the difficult ones like you describe.

    If the family puts too much guilt on the situation that your in to bail, then simply go. But . . rest, do not overdo, and let them know that you don't feel good but want to support the family in this situation. Perhaps that would be all you would need to do.

    What about having the doc do handicap parking? If you have that, you can ask for assistance at the airport to help you make it through the rush. I wouldn't hesitate to do that, especially with the new problem.

    I hope it all works out for you. Please let us know what has been decided and how you are faring. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this particularly difficult time. God bless you.

    Warm wishes, Jeannette
  3. ilovecats94

    ilovecats94 New Member

    I probably wouldn't go. I'd just say that it is too much for me and stay home. My husband has lost relatives in PA and OH and gone up there for the funerals. I have never gone, I have stayed here with the cat.

    I can't do the driving travel very well anymore and the last time I traveled was in 2000 to FL and back to VA. It took two days to get there and was a really hard trip for me. I got a UTI on the way to FL and got a UTI on the way home.

    Just not enough rest stops for me to travel anymore. I would need an RV and we couldn't afford the gas for one.

    You must do what you feel is in the best interest for your own health and how you feel. I don't feel guilty for missing the funerals. I haven't seen my MIL for 9 years and she hasn't seen my one son, Matt, for 9 years. She will be coming down for my other son's wedding in 4/06. Good luck and hope you willl feel better.


  4. Bailey-smom

    Bailey-smom New Member

    I am not saying this to offend but I feel there are certain times in life that we need to be there to support our spouses and families. The death of a parent and close family member fits that catagory for me.

    If nothing else I would be there to support my hubby and comfort him during this time of the loss of a parent. I can not imagine how difficult that has got to be.

    I think just being a presence may help him.

    I am sorry for your loss & understand this is a difficult decission for you. I wish you well.

  5. JLH

    JLH New Member

    It's your husband's father. You said his mother has been like a mother to you. I wouldn't even ask your doctor.

    Even if I knew it would put me in a flare for a month, I would go - out of respect for your husband.

    Now if it were your husband's second cousin, or an uncle that he hadn't seen for years, then I probably would stay home, but not for his father.

    Your husband and MIL "might" say that they understand, but I bet they wouldn't ... and will always have that in the back of their minds.

    I would go and lay low while you are there.

    You'll have to make a quick decision!

    No matter what you decide, remember that it's YOUR decision and should not be influenced by anything that we say here on the board. I am only speaking if I were in the same situation, so please don't let me make you feel guilty if you choose to stay.

    My condolences on the loss of your father-in-law.

  6. jfrustrated

    jfrustrated New Member

    This is a difficult decision and, which ever you make, you lose something. It does sound from your post, however, that you might be almost relived if the doctor did ground you because she will take the power of decision-making away from you. Perhaps, you could get a written note from her to say that you are too sick to go and include it in a really nice note of condolence, which also includes an invite to your mother in law to visit your family. Once the funeral etc. is over, she will be lonely and it might be nice for her to know that she has something to look forward to in the invitation to come and spend some time with you family when things become a little more settled for her?????? There will be lots of support around her at the time of the funeral, but afterwards it will be lonely for her and that might be when she really needs 'your being' there for her the most?
  7. Rosiebud

    Rosiebud New Member

    close family members but I was too ill to make them. I dont know if people understood or not but I know that if I had been able to go I would have been there.

    It's particularly difficult when its your Father in law and if they had lived closeby it might have been different but you dont, you live very far away.

    I hope your doctor 'grounds you' and that will make it easier for you.

    love Rosie
  8. PepperGirl52

    PepperGirl52 New Member

    I think that God will give you the strength, and for the sake of your MIL and your husband, you will find inner-strength, to get through this.

    This isn't as though he's lost a distant relative. This is his father. This is the man who raised him and molded him into who he is today.

    I think, unless you are bedridden, and there is a strong medical reason (life vs death), it would only be proper for you to try with all your heart, soul and body to be there.

    I really truly believe you will find an inner peace and strength that you never knew existed. God bless you all!! PG
  9. MerrimackRiver

    MerrimackRiver New Member

    This past September my mother-in-law passed away. She was a lovely woman and I loved her dearly. I was unable to make the funeral. I had spent the previous day at the funeral home for the wake. I was exhausted. That night I had a sleepless night. There was no way I could make the funeral and my husband understood.

    That is my story. I understand what you are going through. Again, you are the only one that can make that decision (with no guilt.) Your reason for not attending is certainly valid. Your decision is between you and your husband and no one else. If they don't understand (and some won't) . . . . .

    Warm hugs from Merri

    P.S. No, I am not a cold person. I have learned through the years that I now have to come first. I agree with one of the earlier posts that it would be nice to extend a personal invitation to your mother-in-law to stay with you if she is able to. It would probably help her to be away from her surroundings for awhile, probably at a later date? What do you think? Are "you" up to that?

    With my sympathy and love, Merri

    [This Message was Edited on 11/15/2005]
    [This Message was Edited on 11/15/2005]
  10. juliejo

    juliejo New Member

    Wow, now this is a tricky one.
    Each and everyone of us is so different with the way our illness's affect one another and what we can and cannot do.
    Me personally would not under any circumstance's be able to make that trip if i was in a very bad flare like yourself.
    I would'nt be able to get out the bed let alone leave the house.
    Something very similar happened to me about a year ago and it was my Doctor who eventually said, no way your not going under any circumstance's. The flare was so bad ( I have Fibro/ME/Spondilosis), I was also very dizzy and he said it was'nt safe to fly. I am not being negative here at all. It's just since being diagnosed with all this i come first, i have no choice.
    I will say to the lady up above that if it was my husband's father i would go no matter what. Well sorry but i just would'nt be able to and my father-in-law would'nt want me to put myself through this either.
    You can send a lovely card explaining why and think of him in spirit on the day itself. Sorry if i offend, just my view.
    At the end of the day only you know what your limit's are and if you will be able to make this trip.
    Good luck anyway in whatever you decide to do.
    And so sorry for your loss too.
    Take care and god bless you.