Should someone with FM have a baby?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by sss33, Apr 25, 2003.

  1. sss33

    sss33 New Member

    I am having an emotional time trying to make the decision if I should try to get pregnant when I have this terrible FM. I know I want a child,but I am unsure if I can give a baby/child everything it needs to be happy and healthy. I feel like now without a child it is difficult for me to live a "normal" life. With the lack of energy and pain I feel on a daily basis, is it fair to bring a baby into a family where the mother may not be able to give it the kind of life I really want to give it? Not to mention, I worry about passing this FM onto my baby. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. My husband can not understand why I am so concerned and he believes I will just deal with whatever comes up and do my best. He wants a child so badly. How can I deny him of that. I work full time now, as a Kindergarten teacher, and many days don't have the patience or energy for the kids. When I go home, I barely can move. My husband does many chores for me to help out. I would have to contiune to work full time after my maternity leave, because finacially we would not be able to make it. I can't imagine working full time with children all day, then have to come home to my own child and tend to my house with this FM. In my heart I know that a child would complete my life and probably give me a reason to get up in the morning, but what if I physically can't do it. I watch my friends who have children and they have a hard time keeping up with their kids, and they are healthy! I also worry about the nine months of being pregnant. I would really like to hear from some other moms with FM and how they deal with it and if they think it is morally right to have a baby knowing I have FM? The anxiety just trying to make this decision is causing me total anguish. Thank you for your help.
  2. kmelodyg

    kmelodyg New Member

    I know exactly how you feel. It has been a dream of mine to become a mother. But I wonder about the same things. I can barely take care of myself!! Plus my mother has it too and has passed it to me. I am hoping that I will get better. And I will not plan to have kids until I am. Who knows if that day will ever come. It's pretty sad isn;t it? Living with such pessimism. But it is good to think about things realistically. I help take care of my sister's 11 month old son sometimes, and it is way too much for me. I knwo that I would have a terrible time if I had my own child. It is so sad. But one should want to be able to offer their future children the best possible life. And we may not be able to give that to them. I am sorry to be such a downer. It is just how I feel. Good luck hon.

    Love and Hugs,
  3. allhart

    allhart New Member

    if you decided not to have children because of this dd then i feel it has beaten you,the worst thing you can do is give up on your hopes and dreams,i will say that if you do have a baby you would probley want to find a part time job,are there any exspenses you can cut to save money?
    dinners out movies ,
    exspense car payments?
    magzines book clubs,
    i have 5 children and i can not at all tell you it is easy but yes it is worth it!
    you have help of your husband,,
    my 14 year old is showing signs of fm,would i change my mind about having him,not in a million years!
    i worrie about all my kids getting it,but you deal with things as they happen,
    i realy admire that you have been putting so much thought in care into your desscion,it shows what a good and caring parent you would be,
    ps my childrens ages are 14 13 9 3 and 1
    my email on my profile just click on my name if you have any in depth ?[This Message was Edited on 04/25/2003]
  4. scottabir

    scottabir New Member

    I just qrote you a long post and my computer freaked!!!

    Please email me, I am going through this same issue but I have advice to give you. I am not feeling well right now so I dont want to post it again.

    email address is in my profile
  5. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    Hi, just stopped to welcome you to the board. Will let the young Mother's answer your question concerning having a child.

    As for FM being passed on, I have three grown children, none have any symptoms of this. But other members here do.
    Good luck to you.............

    Shalom, Shirl
  6. kerrymygirl

    kerrymygirl New Member

    I have 1 daughter showing signs and it really bothers me. I will tell you be sure you do not have lyme disease since symptoms are alot alike. You can pass it to the child and some die from it after many yrs. of being sick from the lyme. FM I hear some during last 6mo. feel better but crash hard when the fm returns. This is just from pts. I worked with at clinic. We have 3 people in my family with fm., alot of others have family who has it. I know it must be hard for you. Blessings Hugggsss
  7. FrustratedSoprano

    FrustratedSoprano New Member

    passing FM to your children, then why not adopt??? I know it doesn't address your concerns about being able to take care of them, but it does address the other...
  8. FrustratedSoprano

    FrustratedSoprano New Member

    passing FM to your children, then why not adopt??? I know it doesn't address your concerns about being able to take care of them, but it does address the other...
  9. sss33

    sss33 New Member

    Thank you to all of you with advice and comments. I hope to hear from some more mom's or women that are also going through this same dilemma. It seems as though there are many of us that worry about this same topic. I hope to make the right decision for myself and maybe a future child.
  10. Dayle

    Dayle New Member

    once said that the greatest thing a Father could do for his children was to LOVE their mother. I believe it to be true. I've seen it in my own home & I saw the opposite while growing up. What is your husband willing to sacrifice for this child? Could he take on a 2nd job?? There by letting you work part time. Who else can help? Many Gramas spend their days caring for 2 or more grandchildren. Well those are just a few thoughts perhaps you have already considered.
    No one knows what the future will bring, perhaps a cure for cancer or for FMS. I for one would not want a future without my loving children & grandchildren. As for giving a child all he needs perhaps you,because of what you suffer can give him an understanding & compassionate heart so he will grow to learn to love others.
  11. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    She keeps her FMS in line pretty well with good diet and exercise, but she isn't sure about how she and the child may be affected in the future. It's a tough decision, especially since we know of three, and possibly four, generations of us with FMS.

    Love, Mikie
  12. klutzo

    klutzo New Member

    This means your child has a 50% chance of developing the illness at some point. I do not think I could risk doing this to my child, and then endure the child's anger at me for putting her/him through this, but you must make that decision. I believe the chance of passing this would be less if you had a boy, so if boys run in your family, that would be a help.
    May God guide you in your choice,
  13. scoop

    scoop New Member

    Hi SS33,

    Their is definately a lot to consider. I am not a Mom but have a neice and nephew and see the responsibilities of having children. They are also the joy of my life though even though they are not my own. I don't know where i would be without them. They bring so much happiness to the family. In my darkest days they cheer me up!

    Just wanted to pass this a long. Years ago i read in one of my Fibromyalgia books that having a baby actually has proven to put some people with FM in remission. Just can't remember why it getting pregnant does put them in remission! I know someone borrowed the book so when i can get ahold of it again i will read it and let you know and give you the name of the book.

  14. debbiem31

    debbiem31 New Member

    Hi there. I am 32 and have a VERY active boy, almost 2 years old. I had a very hard time with my pregnancy, but alot of that came from my degenerative disc disease. I also had pain in my ribs, so that I had to sleep almost sitting up every night.
    I quit my full time job after Seth was born. I am a work at home mommy now. I work as a contractor for the company I left. My husband works there. I don't think I could handle working the hours I used to and coming home to take care of Seth.
    Some days I hurt so bad and am so tired, that I sit and cry and feel like a terrible mother and wife. I know I'm not, but I could be better if I weren't sick. My son surely misses out on alot because of it.

    I love my baby so much, but honestly, it is hard. Extra help from my hubby is the only thing that saves me!!

    Good luck with your decision...
  15. barelyme

    barelyme New Member

    I have 2 sons age 18 & 20. I was ill when I had them, but hadn't yet been diagnosed. Please don't let this dd steal a lifetime of joy from you. Will it be hard? Absolutely! Will it be worth it? A million times yes! I cannot imagine how empty my life would be without my sons... they have brought so much joy and fulfillment into my life.
    There are ways you can still be a good mom and just do things different... alot of my friends took their kids to the park everyday... I couldn't do that. My boys got held, rocked, and read to much more than any of my friends kids though. I would also lay on the floor and play with them, spending good quality time.
    Because of my illness both of them are sensitive, compassionate people. They have grown up differently than their friends, but that's not a bad thing! We have never had one minute's problem with either of them. Our youngest just got accepted to UCLA school of engineering for next fall, and talk about being proud! This is what you have to look forward to.
    As for passing it on - our oldest had fm too, but I'm not sorry I had him, and neither is he! He is my hugger and if it weren't for him, I'd have missed out on about a million hugs by now.
    Please feel free to email me @
  16. Sandyz

    Sandyz New Member

    I had two while I had Fm and I`ve never regretted it. Its just the most wonderful thing being a parent. It was hard at times but other times it wasnt so bad. I`m sure every parent has their challenges and its never easy for anyone. I keep up with them pretty well and a manage to make it to most of their actities.

    As far as being afraid of passing it on to them, it worries me a little. But I always think it was probably passed on to me. Would I have rather lived and had Fm, or not been here it all?? I`m glad I`m here even with the Fm. I still have a pretty good life.
  17. severina

    severina New Member

    ..and its wonderful. I am 37 years old and just had my first child 8 weeks ago. I had all the same worries as you regarding how I would cope with pregnancy for 9 months, and also how I'd cope afterwards - but it has worked out fine.
    My fm symptoms slowed down while I was pregnant,and all the usual pregnancy symptoms overtook them - the labour and birth went ok,and my son is fine and healthy. But I understand too what you mean when you say about not having patience when you are tired and sore..but when its your own child you find the strength to cope - I have.
    Dont let the fact that you have this illness stop you from fulfilling your dream of becoming a mother - Its been hard these last 8 weeks, but with the help of my fiance and family, Ive managed.My fm symptoms have all come back, but I am getting on with things as usual, best I can.I also worked full time right up being 7 months pregnant, it was hard some days, but in the end its all worth it!I will have to go back as well shortly.
    Do what your heart tells you, if its meant to be, then it will happen for you,and it will all fall into place and you will be fine.Good luck
    love arlene