Since Didoe mentioned looking for the perfect man.....

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by texangal81, Jul 4, 2008.

  1. texangal81

    texangal81 New Member

    Didoe listed what she's looking for in a man on my Jack LaLanne/Erotic Shop Juicer post, so I decided to list what I'm looking for.......

    1. SENSE OF HUMOR. You must be able to deftly hit my zingers right back to me. This is what I refer to as being able to keep up with me. This is probably THE most important characteristic and will be the hardest to find.

    2. MUST BE EMPLOYED. It sounds so simple, yet I fell into the Smart Women, Foolish Choices trap. I loved being in control after all the years of BEING controlled. This one cost me a lot of money. I have no more to expend. You must be employed. Self-employed would be nice. Did I mention you'll be caring for me too?

    3. MUST BE EDUCATED (College preferably). I promise, I am NOT a snob. In fact, the ex-fi barely made it out of High School. But he was street wise and knew how to talk (perhaps a little too well). You know how he hooked me immediately? He wrote extremely well. I'm sure that attraction doesn't surprise you. I can weed out typos but I can't tolerate grammatical errors and mispellings (but just in my man, everyone else can use run-on sentences and the word ain't and I don't care).

    4. MUST BE DIVORCED AT LEAST TWO YEARS. I unpacked my baggage a long time ago, I have no intention of unpacking yours. There is a corollary to this - NO SEPARATED OR MARRIED MEN. No explanation needed.

    5. NO ONE MARRIED MORE THAN TWO TIMES. I'm not discriminating against multiple marriages, my favorite cousin has been married three times. I just don't care to be the fifth Mrs. Johnson. Besides, that would be way too many ex-wife horror stories for one person to listen to.

    6. NO ONE WITH KIDS UNDER 16 AND/OR AT HOME. I've raised my babies. I told my daughter this years ago and she still got pregnant. Ok, I'll help raise THIS one but NO MORE. And I don't want to raise yours. Not when I can barely raise my head.


    8. MUST HAVE ALL HIS TEETH. This usually means he's young and able-bodied and will be able to care for me.

    9. MUST HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. Screaming OH GOD in the bedroom doesn't count.......

    10. A CATHOLIC WOULD BE NICE BUT A SENSIBLE NON-DENOMINATIONAL MAN WOULD WORK. However, I am warning you now, I have no intention of being a submissive wife. Ever. I also have a brain and use it. Get over it.

    I posted this exact list on a few of the online dating sites when several well meaning friends and colleagues pushed me to start dating again. The responses I got were overwhelming:

    1. You are sound like woman who is knowing that you want. And very nice to look with. I am Bohanokrrzut Baaricjbeipwonareaya, my friends give me name Bob, my place of living is Pittsburg. I am wanting to meet you soon. Can you send me $5000 American dollars so we can meet and fall in love?

    2. You no good $#(*&$!, lousy, !(R*#Y)$, blood-sucking woman, you sound like my &!!*E)#)$, rotten, blood-sucking ex. ALL women are no good $(@&#$*), blood-sucking bleeptches.....say I see you are a Technical Support Engineer with a degree...would you like to go out?

    3. Are you tired of working for others? Would you like to set your own hours, work less, and make more? Simply send $99.95 to the website below and I will set you up in the amazing money-making business. This is not a scam, please go to and read the following testimonials (ok, so I admit,I tried the website........HTTP400 error - PAGE NOT FOUND)......

    4. Isabel? Is that you???????

    To be continued........

  2. Didoe

    Didoe New Member

    I think I was married to #1, the 'english' sounds very Borat.

    its very possible...he was all over the internet soon as he got off the plane, writing he was separated, divorced, put himself on Yahoo, Craigslist when he found it existed...his profile asking women if they wanted "a real man" (my lawyer loved that one)
    the games and the poor women who all fell in line wanting to be the 'One' because surely all those other women just didnt understand poor M, they could all give him what he wanted...but what he wanted was to just play this game ad infinitum.

    But I wrote about all this misery (that I can laugh about now) months ago, shell shocked from it all.

    very expensive mistake. could have been worse, i had just submitted to sponsor his 6yr old son when i found the final 300+lb blond bimbo (sorry anyone who's blond) who was snail mailing (email wasnt good enough) him love letters and gifts.

    all I can say to TexasGal's list is amen (& pass the ammunition).
  3. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Lazy day, no energy to do much so I'm just browzing around when I ran across this thread and burst out laughing. Have you considered writing as an alternative career?

    I agree with everything you said but I'd add one more thing: MUST BE CLEAN. No stinky men for me. This doesn't mean covering up the B.O. with men's cologne, it means soap and water CLEAN. In fact, my list might begin with that.

    Not that I've had dirty boyfriends or husbands but as we get a bit older, we can't leave anything to chance. ;>)

    Good luck to us. I wish the guys would post a list. It would be interesting to see.

    Now if I could only spell.

    Marta[This Message was Edited on 07/04/2008]

    BILLCAMO New Member

    Perhaps you should stick with watching cable , direct , or late night TV ?


    Blessings ,


    PS.... I was informed that clarification may be needed for my above statement......I was referring to your seeking the perfect man..As per #1 LOL ..Please continue to share your witty , humorous , and excellent writings with us.
    [This Message was Edited on 07/05/2008]
  5. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    And I'll be looking forward to a daily dose of your wonderful humor.



    BILLCAMO New Member

    Here's a list from men I found from the 1950's (Both life & the list was [I know it should be were] simpler then.....LOL....):

    1) The man is the boss and he is always right !

    2) Whenever there are doubts , see #1.

    Blessings ,

  7. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    Hi Texangal,

    Wow, I just LOVE your list. It could really be of help to all of our gals who are looking for a man to share their lives with.

    I am still laughing even though I have been married almost 47 years!! I guess we both did something right, even though it wasn't always easy !!

    All the points on your list make perfect sense to me (-: !!

    Keep the truth and the laughs coming sweetie !

  8. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    More than 20 years. I've dated a lot of nice men and sown some wild oats, so I don't feel as though I've missed anything. I am still friendly with my ex husband but would never want him back. I love living alone but if God ever sees fit to send me a soulmate, I know I will recognize him.

    After my divorce I settled down with a nice old male cat. He was a true gentleman. He slept in my bed and we spent many a nice evening watching TV together. He would even extend his paw for me to hold. His name was Mr. Big because he was one of those huge cats. That was way before "Sex And The City" and the performer, Mr. Big.

    I once told him that if he were a man, I'd marry him. Then, I remembered that he had been neutered!

    Love, Mikie
  9. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    Hi Milkie,

    I love what you wrote and also enjoyed the fact that you have found your SOUL-CAT, Mr Big.

    That was all to cute.


  10. gapsych

    gapsych New Member

    I want a man who will be a cat in his next life. That way if I get really mad...............

    This is a funny thread.

  11. sisland

    sisland New Member

    Texangal====Your right on every account!,,,,Have to agree with Mikie about our Pets! My Dog is the perfect Man,,,,,,,,,,lolol,,,

    He doesn't talk much!
    He follows me around ,,,and is up for doing anything i want to do,,,,
    Doesn't Take up any time in the Barthroom,,
    Doesn't leave his underware lying around on the floor
    Doesn't get Mad if i have to take a nap
    Doesn't get mad if i'm not feeling well and can't do the dishes one night a week!
    Let's me go shopping any time i want to and doesn't complain when i get home,,,,about how long it took me and how much money i spent!
    He Even let's me have my own Checking account,,,,
    and last but not least,,,i don't have to say "leave me alone i'm not in the mood!",,,,
    oh yes i thought of 2 more
    If i don't feel like Cooking,,,,Thats OK!
    He's always up for a Road trip!,,,,,ok 3 more,,
    He doesn't go out and party every night!,,,,,LOLOL,,,this could go on and on ,,,better stop!

  12. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Ha! Ha! I'm enjoying the turn this thread has taken. The whole thread has been fun to read.

    I wonder where the men are, comparing their pets to women. Is a dog man's best friend?

    Love, Mikie

    BILLCAMO New Member

    Hear me roar

    And I'll open

    Up the door

    As long as you don't kick me in the pants....

    (And favorite pet

    Is surely not a cat.....)

    ROFL :>)

    Blessings ,

    [This Message was Edited on 07/07/2008]
  14. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I'm still laughing at this one. Glad to have the male perspective. What, or who, is your favorite pet?

    Love, Mikie
  15. Didoe

    Didoe New Member

    I just escaped from another board...all I'll say is men continue to groan that women are a disloyal, ungrateful, unloving species, the best thing, they claim, is get what you can, dont get attached, you'll just gonna get sqwood no matter what.

    If I ever said, which I doubt I did or meant, I was looking, I ain't. I did and never once made a choice that brought reciprocal love. It's noble (but not normal) to mother, to love 'unconditionally' and hope some day you'll receive love in return, after carting around an empty bucket for years, you figure it's never going to get filled. And that's where I'm at. Completed my service for mankind, mothered plenty of soldiers pretending to be men at war with Life, I dont blame them...Men have their priorities and I never made the cut. Now I'm just too tired from trying.
    Hope any ladies still looking find someone worthy of your affections and attention, every woman here surely deserves it, you're some great bunch of broads.
  16. Greenbean7

    Greenbean7 New Member

    Now I lay me down to sleep.
    I wish I had a man to keep.
    If there's a man beneath my bed,
    I hope he heard each word I said.

    I didn't find mine there,I bought him out of the paper!


    BILLCAMO New Member

    My favorite pet is a dog.

    My wife wanted a well bred "Prissy Poodle" (Oops , I'm in trouble but , they were too expensive. She settled for a Chocolate Min Pin that she found & picked out.

    Cocoa is a live wire and a spark plug and there's nothing prissy about her. She only begs for attention and food.

    She's brought lots of smiles , laughter , and fun into our home. She also graces me by taking me for a short walk every day... LOL.

    Blessings ,

  18. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    I found the perfect man:

    He is smart and caring

    He is clean and well groomed

    He is an excellent host

    He takes a real interest in what I have to say

    He has a good job and works hard

    He is great with kids

    He loves pets

    He gives great massages

    He does the housework better than I
    He has great decorating ideas
    He is tender and supporting

    He can cook

    He loves to shop with me

    We talk all the time

    He has great manners

    He is very funny and makes me laugh

    Too bad for me he is gay!

    love Annie (I understand there is a gay version of this too)
  19. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Glad you and your wife have such a sweet dog. I am bi -- I love cats AND dogs. This is a very sad comment but I don't think I'll have any more pets. I feel emotionally fragile ever since I lost my Mom and I don't think I can take any more loss, at least, not for a long time. Also, even though I've healed to the point I can work part time, I still have down days when I need to rest all day. I don't think it would be fair to a pet.

    This is where I am now but who knows? One of these days, I may meet a nice man or enjoy being owned by another cat or dog.

    Love, Mikie