single and trying not to get depressed

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Chilene, Nov 22, 2006.

  1. Chilene

    Chilene New Member

    i'm really struggling again with the isolation!

    i had a tiny part-time job until last week. i did choose to quit as i was making sooo little cash there and i even WORKED alone stocking greeting cards (low pay, not just hours). also, i knew i was getting ready to create more artwork for an upcoming craft fair (this is good for my soul; doesn't make much money;)... i will be looking for a tiny job again in january.

    i've been in a shaky, long-distance relationship that really needs to end... (or has) and all my old friends are just so busy.

    i feel like i'm losing a really good friend now, too, as she said my not being able to make plans in advance is really driving her crazy. that she put up with it as long as she could, but can't now. as you all know, this feels so awful to hear. i've heard it a ton of times and my friends seem to fade lately.

    i used to be so active when healthy (until 30, i'm 42 and still single! argh.) also, before many of my friends got married there was more going on... i had so many friends.

    i talk on the phone alot, but noone ever wants to come by. a few of my friends don't have cars (i live in chicago). i end up driving, when i do go out. which is it's own pain, but also i'm afraid not to have a "getaway" car if i feel sick.

    and with thanksgiving upon us, and only the sister i don't get along so well with (mom out of state but she is travelling to brother's out of state, plus we don't get on well anymore)... not looking forward to making my own food to sit with my sister alone. but i am trying to be glad for her, in the end.

    if i could have pets, i would! allergic to cats and can't have dogs in my building (plus not sure i could care for one).

    anyone else feel like this?... sometimes i feel like everyone else has more family and friends and attention than i do... i never dreamed i'd be 42, jobless, unmarried and sick with this dd!

    trying to keep head above water;)

  2. beachwalkerbill

    beachwalkerbill New Member

    Have a little faith. I love being single, I’ve been that way since “98”. I used to do the art show craft show circuit as well. I kept trying to get jobs, but the craft show money was there always tempting. After all there is a lot of non-reportable cash there. I continued to go to job fairs, temp employment companies, internet, newspapers… for a long while. Eventually I fount a temp to perm position that requires me to do some physical work, but I have a fair amount of desk duty as well. It’s in an industrial lab, there is a great deal of routine stuff to do, which is great for fog days. I have an over active constitution to force myself once I’m determined something needs to be done. (quit alcohol 20yrs, cigarettes 17yrs) It can be done. You can do it. If you’ve made a living on the art show circuit you have the determination of a business professional, because you are one. I have meet wonderful women on internet personals. I’ve had three,2yr relationships (my favorite is “Oh hell fog’s got me” it’s the commercial on TV with all the couples getting married and the personality test” you know) DON”T GIVE UP. You have what it takes.
  3. Chilene

    Chilene New Member

    well, i'm only going on my second art fair... but i'll hope it goes as well as the first (suprisingly!) did;)

    to be honest, the money (or lack of it... at least i do get SSDI and a small amount of family support financially)... isn't as tough as the isolation...

    but i'm a bit better already; i think half of my depression is coming out of this tough relationship and finding myself in a different place... but even the meeting i went to tonight helped my spirits some.

    thanks SO much for your words, bill! good to hear about another crafter, too!

    and congrats on kicking all those habits and getting back into the world a bit again!!


  4. boltchik

    boltchik New Member

    Hi, sorry to hear you are feeling down. I agree that it probably has a lot to do with your long distance relationship ending. Does your sister help you out? Is there a way to mend your relationship with her a bit? I hope that you enjoy each other's company tomorrow. Sometimes I know if I try a little harder when I am having a hard time getting along with someone, it usually helps. I know that isn't always so easy!

    Well, I wanted to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving and let you know that you are not alone! Kim :)
  5. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    I wish I was very wealthy and could have a health/social center just for fibro/cfs people.

    A place where everyone could come and meet others, spend the day and meet new people.

    It would be a very relaxing place with comfortable furniture, excellent food served, free of charge. We would have medical professionals on staff to provide free help to everyone.

    There are so many of us here isolated because we don't have the health to get around like others. I also talk on the phone alot but mostly with my aunt and uncle.

    Have you thought of having a small aquarium? I have one and really enjoy my little fish.

    Hope you have a nice Thanksgiving..
  6. chopindog

    chopindog New Member

    I know how you feel! I am now 29 years old, jobless, living with my parents. I became ill with this DD when I was just barely 27 years old.

    Before I got sick, I was an RN, I owned a home, a nice car and all those things. I lived in my home town, was always a popular girl and had more "friends" that I could count. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of over two years, and was trying to move on to guys who were emotionally available.

    I thought I had plenty of time to get seriouse and wed and have a child.

    Then BOOM!!! I got sick and my life quickly started falling apart. All of those "friends", well now I only have 2 of them left, and one of them is rocky. I lost everything I had, was abandoned by friends, and family I thought would be in my life forever. I had to leave Colorado, the only place I ever wanted to live, and move to Utah to live with my Dad.

    Now don't get me wrong, I know I am blessed to have family to take me in. I am bleesed to still have peole in my life who love me, and who try so hard to be understanding and supportive. Although they can never fully realise what I live through every day.

    I have also found a friend who lives here who is also sick with this DD, and has been for 20 years, I am blessed to have found her,and ofcourse this website. I also have a furbaby {poodle} that I love with all my heart. I also have found god again. {as corny as that sounds.)

    But I have days that I cry still, I continue to mourn the loss of me, and the life I had, and the dreams and plans thet have been stollen from me.

    I have put on 50 pounds since I got ill. I was always someone who had to work out religously to keep my weight under control. Now I can't workout, and believe me I have tried, More than once! and have left my self bed bound for weeks after .My Dad finally took all of my workout DVDs and hid them from me.

    So here I am 60 pounds over weight, living with my dad. So sick a majority of the time I can't even take a shower, unable to make any plans ahead of time and keep them. On multiple meds, I talk to my dog as if she is my real child. Have the brain fog so bad lately that I cant even comprehend sesame street half the time.


    Helene, I am so sorry that you too have to live with this DD, that you too feel alone and scared and sad and angry. But just know you are not alone!

    I'm over here In Utah feeling the same way. I may not officially know you, But never the less, I love you! I love you because you know what I am going through, and I know what your going through. And with this DD, Its good to know your not alone. Although I would never wish this DD on anyone.

    Well I have rambled on and probably made no sense as usual. But I hope I helped in some way! Hang in there, Im in the next tree hangin on too!!

    P.S. I see you picture on your profile and you are a verry pretty women!

    Love, Joy
    [This Message was Edited on 11/23/2006]
  7. millennia

    millennia New Member

    The upside to being single with this illness is that when you do meet someone, you'll go into the relationship with him understanding how things are for you. Time after time, I read women on this board say that their husbands couldn't handle them getting sick. Many even become abusive. Much better to meet someone while you're sick and have them know how things are from the beginning.

    I read in your profile that you were going to grad school to teach high school. Have you ever considered teaching college online? You can even go to grad school online. You make your own hours and the pay isn't bad at a lot of places.
  8. Chilene

    Chilene New Member

    first off, SO sorry i couldn't get back sooner. but the upside is, i was enjoying being a bit more social than usual!

    secondly, i will quickly thank EVERY one of you for all the beautiful and insightful words that you wrote. i nearly cried a few times.

    today is a "good" day! and this time i mean it emotionally! (because it sure ain't physically... but ya know what?! a good social day or two can take me a good ways! i KNOW you all know what i mean, too)...

    tomorrow or so i will respond to EACH of your incredible emails, so please remember to check back!

    i love you all!!!;)

    so glad for this board!

    huge fibro hugs--
    [This Message was Edited on 11/24/2006]
  9. lavender14

    lavender14 New Member

    thank you for the nice thoughts of a fms/cfs social center.
    I really got lost in a fantasy ther for a few minutes.
    Wouldn't that be wonderful. Not feeling isolated, friends to talk too in person, no one judging you, and oh yeah comfy furniture, and beds.


  10. paulmack

    paulmack New Member

    Hi Helene,Was sorry at first to hear you were feeling down but was later really heartened to read in your later post that you were out socialising.I know what you mean tho,i love going out to the pub with my friends but if my pains are quite sore then this doesn't make it so enjoyable.This fibro thing is a nightmare at times.I hate making plans to go out because i know it really depends how i feel on the day then you have to cancel if you're having a bad day,then you fall out with your friends etc.They really don't understand,they'll say "but you look well."
    Being single has its advantages at times,you don't have to explain yourself to anyone,if you want to lie in front of the telly you can.
    Glad to hear your in better spirits,at least we can moan if we want on this great site.
    Best wishes & keep smiling
  11. Chilene

    Chilene New Member

    thanks so much for stopping to add your thoughts;)

    though i pushed myself too much (what ELSE is new?!) and nearly slept on the thanksgiving table;)... it was OK because it was just me and my sis and she didn't even care that i didn't change out of my sweats for dinner... lol!

    she is pretty good about helping out when she can and doesn't live too far (i also have an assistant provided by the city of chicago that i only pay one dollar an hour/3 hours a week that helps with laundry... as i have an old walkup with laundry in the basement)... so ANYway... me and sis did ok, thanks! and i rarely cook anything, and actually found cooking a bit fun this time!

    and i do believe that getting out of this relationship is quite related to recent sadness, too... that was a really good insight (and hopefully this won't always be)!

    hope you had a great holiday, kim!

    soft hugs!;)
  12. Chilene

    Chilene New Member

    oh,this fibro/cfs center sounds lovely!!!

    let's all pray about one. work toward one; yes?

    thanks for the fish idea;)... though when i first got sick, my friends gave me two goldfish to cheer me up... and they both died real soon... it was quite horrible (not to mention ironic), as you can imagine...

    so it may take me some time on this one! nevertheless, a splendid idea;)

    hope you are enjoying the holiday!

  13. fibrohugslife

    fibrohugslife New Member


    I must tell you that I relate with you in so many ways along with all of the other posters.

    I just wanted to give you fibro hugs and let you know that things will be better down and the road as others have told me on here is to have a little faith or just hope.

    I have been ill for over 7 years and being single is rough, and I have run into guys that were understanding and some that were not. I believe that I will get married someday but for right now I am concentrated on my health. I figure he will fall out of sky and in love I will be LOL.

    Hang in there girl, keep swimming and keep your head above the water.

  14. linpop

    linpop New Member

    What a coincidence I have just joined this site as I couldn’t stand the loneliness any more I truly was silly enough to think I was the only one. Now I feel awful for having my pity party after reading what you are going through. I posted my first message titled ‘Lonely at Christmas’ and then I was just about to sign off and saw your message title. Funny I have been on here for hours and if I had seen your message I would have been in bed all tucked up ages ago. As it is I am stiff as a brick sitting here feeling like if I stand up I’ll crack everywhere it is 12.30 am in California and I have one of my insomnia moments.

    The part you wrote about maybe losing your friend because of not always being able to make plans in advance is exactly why I am alone. I find it hard to believe myself, that I can’t do a simple thing like make plans for the next day so, I would just beat myself up as friends made me feel inadequate. Many times I would lie awake wondering why I had not been able to make plans for tomorrow with the friend I had at the time it made me sick to be so unreliable, what was wrong with me? I felt stupid. So, you are not alone with this little idiosyncrasy as ‘normal’ people would call it. In my post that is what I am getting at I don’t know how to start again when I have all kinds of little weird things I have to explain to someone new in my life. However, what you are saying is true people don’t understand and please don’t do what I have done and isolate yourself because of it, you are young you don’t want to do that. Your post has certainly helped me not to feel so sorry for myself and really hit home with me.

    I have always thought that loneliness is a ‘real pain’ sensation not part of depression but just an aching emptiness. I don’t like talking on the phone all the time and I have always needed companionship to the point where I guess some would say I am co-dependent. You are still young and I think a wonderful man will come your way once the Christmas blues are out of the way. I will certainly be thinking of you when I am sitting alone (well, not completely I do have a Pomeranian, he keeps my spirits up when I feel I am getting down) I also know what it is like to have family and not get along with them. This too gets to me every holiday but, as I said it now helps a little to know I wasn’t the only one sitting alone on Thanksgiving.

    Best of Wishes,

  15. boltchik

    boltchik New Member

    You sound a bit better now, more cheerful! I am glad you enjoyed cooking with your sister. I went to San Diego to spend time with family, it was really nice. The meal was fantastic and I was only in charge of the candied yams. I am not the best cook, so that was a relief to me. I wish I liked cooking more, oh well. Thanks for writing back, it is nice to hear from you. I hope you are having a pain free day and getting some rest. Kim :)
  16. Chilene

    Chilene New Member

    dear joy!--

    thank you SO much for your incredible, touching words!

    you and everyone else on this board have been bringing me such love. i love it!(lol)

    you point out something so simple but so important: that you are like me... real and out in this world and just in another place. that really makes me want to cry, for good and bad, both!... maybe like many of us, i don't know ANYone too well that lives with anything like i do. i've met some people with cfs and fms... but i don't ever see them again or their symptoms may be less severe than mine.

    now this may sound weird, but some days, i actually begin to wonder if i AM alive and living because i feel so out-of-body (between allover numbness, the imbalance, vision crap... and combine that with how everything else is weird--noone around much, no full-time work... etc.!... it's like this weird (bad?) dream state!)...

    so i guess i am so grateful for this computer technology (addictive or not!). i think it's really cool that you know someone there that share's this dd! i should try to find that here, as i do live in a big city... as i said, i've met others--there's even a group, but alas--noone shows up (LOL!!!) and when they do... it's just rag, rag, rag... so i end up getting MORE depressed and saying i want to stay in the 'nonsick' world and just do my thing.

    sweetie--i just want to tell you, too, that things probably WILL get a little better for you! my first three years of this dd were HORRID!... both physically, and trying to adjust to the change. what can help is managing (pacing, lol; as i do not do so well on this) it all and accepting (in bits and pieces) ... and i must say, my (newer) belief in a higher power has gotten me way farther than any doctor!

    joy, know you are beautiful inside and out (you look so pretty in your photo!)... and that any person should want to know someone as lovely as you seem to be. i actually LOST so much weight, i was getting tons of crap about how thin/sick i looked from family all the time. but my weight has gotten a tad better (in fact, i might've gone too far now eating anything!). you can't conquer weight and all this new stuff at once. i think it will all be a bit easier for you in time. i try to play up other things about me, and it seems to help, at times.

    wow, now I went on! soooo great to have met you, and i hope we stay in touch!

    huge, soft hugs!!!

    [This Message was Edited on 11/26/2006]
  17. Chilene

    Chilene New Member

    keep checking back--

    i'm not done replying to each of your incredible posts!

    it takes me so long to respond to each (as i'm way fogged but also naturally a perfectionist).

    ok, must attempt to go out before the sun completely sets! more soon!

  18. Chilene

    Chilene New Member

    thanks for the boost of confidence regarding the art fairs!... i always procrastinate on what i love... but it's so wonderful to be creating again. more than i ever have before (can't dance as much as i'd like, so why not do all the other wonderful creative things i can, when i can?!)... truth is i have done most of my creative work when forced to be alone (i'm super extroverted). right after i moved to chicago after college (and knew one person only)... i spent a good amount more time developing creative interests... so i guess when life give you lemons!...

    funny thing is... when i was healthy and working full-time, i generally was too mentally burnt out to create (write, photograph, etc.... though i did used to act when i could...)...

    by the way, your guitar is sooo cool! (i'm a huge music lover, too!)


  19. Chilene

    Chilene New Member


    so nice to 'meet' you!

    wow; i really needed to hear what you said about finding someone down the line who would be accepting about this dd. see, i always thought that it was the opposite--that maybe with other people (who didn't have this dd when the relationship started), it was all much easier. but i definitely see your point!

    and no, i hadn't known much or thought about the online grad school/teaching (though i also hate being tied to the computer). but it definitely IS an option i wouldn't have thought about; thank you!

    i love your profile photo! so cute! (and do love your name).

    fibro hugs!;)
  20. Jillian40

    Jillian40 New Member

    Helene –
    Nice to meet you!

    My name is Jill and I'm 44 and have had FM and CFIDS for the past 7 years. I am single and live in the SW of the U.S. (Arizona). I have been going to an FFC for about 18 months and have experienced some relief with a partial remission, but am learning to live with the idea of this illness as something to carry and not run from or expect to be cured either. This WAS initially my thinking and hope. (silly me - Duh!)

    I can relate to your post as I'm single too and at times feel VERY alone with this illness. I am reaching out to you to say that the feelings you are having right now WILL hopefully pass and in their place you will feel peacefulness. The reason I say this is because as a recovering perfectionist, I sometimes want to have all of the answers RIGHT NOW and also want to know that I can solve this DD by myself, due to my efforts alone.

    Side Note: I read your profile and wanted to say that I an amateur photographer, LOVE to photograph people, nature, animals, little children. Sometimes I take photos to specifically go with one of my poems. Also, strangely enough my previous position was with an Art School as a representative. How curious. (Art Institutes) Anyway, just had to mention the similarities.

    Though I don't know how much of this you can relate to, I have to say that a couple of days ago, I came out of a funk that lasted for about 3 weeks, in which I was feeling hopeless and helpless. Just getting out for Thanksgiving and spending it with a family whom I've known for the last 10 years, made a huge difference. One of the women, in the family has CFIDS, having gotten it before me, and can relate to my struggles.

    What I am doing right now, is praying for a long term solution for my life, which includes being able to create an environment at work and at home that allows me to accept more help from others.

    I am a believer, in God, and know that ultimately my life is not in my control. This admission is the hardest, though having grown up in an alcoholic family, I have had plenty of practice in coming to terms with this. This is simply another layer of coming to terms with my ultimate inability to "control" everything.

    So, reading your post, and the supportive and loving responses from so many great people, has been a very healing thing for me too. I am here for you, as much as I can support you with encouragement from across the continent, please accept my concern and support. I am sorry for the struggles you endure every single day, and for your recent loss of a relationship, with someone you loved. I offer you a warm <<<<<<< H U G >>>>>>>> and (((((( P R A Y E R ))))))) of healing for your sorrows.

    "One day at a time" is the true answer to my problems as an OVERCOMER of this disease and anything that gets me down. Though it may sound trite, it helps me to let go of those things that keep me bound up and imprisoned in my thinking. I stay too much in the future and am reminded to live more in the moment.

    I am working F.T., though some days my exhaustion makes me feel weak and scared. I have been in a remission of sorts for about 2 months, but have been struggling in my thinking with "waiting for the other shoe to drop." After having read your post, I have decided to give this unhealthy thinking up and to enjoy today for today.

    Can I share what I am praying for right now in my life? I find my future plans and thoughts difficult and scarey at times, because planning for tomorrow seems uncertain. Because I am single and would like to be in a relationship, when the time is right, as well as having a strong desire to adopt a young child (7-8 y.o.) I am going to look at what I must do differently in my living and work environments to be able to support my choices, especially my desire to adopt. I am in a small townhome right now which I rent, but have been praying and asking for advice from my friends as to how to move forward.

    I am thinking about finding a place with 3 bedrooms which will allow me to have a child and a roomate and to decrease my hours at work or continue F.T. with an assistant, so that I can share my burden of everyday living (with support with paperwork, chores, shopping and cooking). I have a lot of love and wisdom to share with a child and having delayed this plan of adoption for the past 7 years has been a great sadness.

    I just attended a wedding yesterday for a friend I have known for about 25 years. She and I are in our 40s and neither of us has been married before. I felt a wonderful elation to see her happy with a man who is accepting of her and her challenges. I can choose to either feel regret for myself at not being married or to feel encouragement that there are men out there who can love and offer support. I think I will hold out hope, knowing that this is possible.

    I tend to keep my needs to myself, trying to be too self-sufficient, and just keepin’-on as usual, but I am going to try to request more help from my friends and mom for the next couple of months and see if I can move forward. My house is a mess and keeps me down, but that's because I've not even asked anyone to help me with it.

    This illness doesn't need to control my life or thinking anymore. If I do foster care at first, then I'm not committing more than I can handle, to see if this will work for me. I know that I can network with some of the women at my church for childcare and support in child rearing.

    What I do know, is that if I keep doing what I'm doing, I'll keep getting what I'm getting. That thought doesn't bring a smile.

    I would like to ask you and all of the others who have posted, to support my decision. I can only try what I think I am able to do right now. If I fail, then it will only be a temporary setback. Though this is not my usual thinking, I'm trying out something new, right now.

    Helene, what kind of support can I and others here give you? Whatever it is you need, please ask for it here, from us. It may make it a little easier then to ask for it from those right around you, in Chicago, in your family and immediate community. Is it a (non-allergic) cat, a friend who can visit for coffee and a meal each week, a person to help with cleaning and meals a couple of times a month, prayers of encouragement, a nudge to step out in faith, whatever it is, please ask.

    Though I've just met you, I believe you will get some answers. I also appreciate your post more than you can know. You've helped me to put words on paper to explain the dull ache and helplessness I have been feeling. I won't fail and neither will you.

    Warm Gentle Hugs,