Sitting here crying

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by suzetal, Jan 3, 2006.

  1. suzetal

    suzetal New Member

    Just told my DH that I did not realize how much work meant to me.

    Yea sure I had a tough job .Lots of associates under me to help and train.Also helped them with personal matters.

    There were those days I would dread going in.But I really loved it .Worked hard to get were I was.Would look forward to all the new challenges.

    Would love when something had to get done real fast .My associates and I would go home at one and return at midnight to work as a team to get the job done straight through the night.Ill take them for breakfast for a job well done.Then head home sleep till noon then back in at 3 to 11 pm.

    I want it all back. I pray every evening that I will wake from this bad dream.Hopefully soon.

    Sue
    [This Message was Edited on 01/03/2006]
  2. cjr2003

    cjr2003 New Member

    and it really is like a bad nightmare to have this disease. Especially when you feel this disappointment about life; especially when you are reminded of how you used to be and how enjoyable life was/how successful you were. And then , you look at your life now and see how limited you can be. I know it is hard for all of us to cope with what this disease has done to our minds/bodies ; what it has left us with to deal with everyday. I am not working right now; there is no way I could since I have stopped taking most of my meds so we can hopefully get pregnant. I hope to be able to go back to work part time when I am pregnant or when my one year LOA is up. I have had a difficult time dealing with the disappointment over the years since I am just 33. Fibro has changed my life forever. You are definetly not alone in how you feel. I pray that your spirits will be lifted! LOL Carla
  3. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    ...I know, part of this DD is that it robs one of choices, like working or whatever one choses. Hope things look brighter tomorrow.
    Cromwell
  4. TwinMa

    TwinMa New Member

    I'm so sorry you are so down. I think you need to think of getting better as your new job. Everyone on this board can be the associates under you. Your new challenge is to find one thing that improves your health. Then another thing. Then another.

    I understand the despair you are feeling. Take it one day at a time. You are not alone.

    Katy
  5. MamaR

    MamaR New Member

    I am so sorry that you are down about this. I know exactly how you feel!!! I loved my job. I worked 12 hour days...plus kept going after I got home 'till midnight...then up at 5:00 a.m. to begin again!

    I was so active and now I sit or have to rest. I do try to find stuff that I can do...like crochet....tend my houseplants. I just do what I can. I FINALLY come to terms with it after crying and beating myself up for about three years!
    I have finally decided to try for disability...hope it goes through...eventually.

    I do hope that you can get stronger and be able to work...but until then...try to not stress out too much. It will only make you worse....I know!

    BIG HUG....MamaR
  6. roseylisa

    roseylisa New Member

    I completely understand how you feel, its been over a
    year since I quit working and I still get down about it! I feel useless! Very depressed about it. When I see people working I think they don't know how lucky they are! I want my old self back!
  7. Tantallon

    Tantallon New Member

    of 8 people, we worked 3 days of (13+ hrs) a day under terrific stress and very strict deadlines but we all enjoyed it and got on brilliantly with each other.

    I miss all that funnily enough, the challenges, the organisation it took to get the product out week after week, the relief when it was all over and the realisation we would have to do it all again the following week.

    When I had to leave because of this DD I went looking for something to stimulate my mind, that's the worst part, keeping occupied.

    I'll be honest, I wish I hadn't needed to give it all up, I miss it so much. So yes I do understand where you're coming from.

    Praying with you
    Sue

  8. JLH

    JLH New Member

    Dear Sue, I know exactly how you feel. I miss working so badly that sometimes I can't hardly stand it.

    I had worked for 30 years with the same corporation. The group that I worked with had all been there a long time, too, even though I was the most "senior" one of the bunch. We were like one big happy family.

    I had also worked my way up to the top. It was one of the most important parts of my life--next to my family, of course. I just loved my job. I finally got to travel with the "big boys" and make a lot of input and decisions. I didn't mind the supervising part and mediating in people's troubles.

    I had to take early retirement in July 1999 due to all of my health problems. My doc was afraid that I was going to have a fatal heart attack and the fibro, cfs, systemic lupus, and arthritis was killing me in pain.

    I STILL have dreams about my work and the people I worked with. In fact, I have at least 1 dream a week! I still keep in contact with the people. I STILL miss it so much!!!!

    I will be 55 next month. I would love it if I could work there for another 20 years!!!! Even though I was working myself to death -- 10-12 hour days, 6 days a week. I don't care--I enjoyed it.

    I can sympathize with you so much. My first year of retirement was the worst. I cried alot from what I had lost, for what my health was doing to me, and from being separated from my "family" -- there was such a void in my life.

    My life soon became occupied by my father's illness. He was losing his battle with renal failure (due to diabetes) and needed me to help take care of him. The next 18 months went by like lightening because I was at my parents' house helping take care of my Dad in his final days as well as taking care of my mother who had a major heart attack due to the stress of my father's illness.

    I know come to realize that I made the best decision to retire. I would hate for my children to be taking care of me due to a debilitating heart attack I was on the road to having. In fact, my prognosis for a long retirement doesn't look that great itself. So, I want to enjoy this time with my family and grandchildren.

    I retired for them, because I love them more than my job. I now have to wake up and take care of myself so that I can have a longer retirement.

    I, too, want everything back that I used to have. I wish this was a bad dream. However, I know I will never have what I used to have, and look forward to creating new dreams and memories with my family in the years ahead.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, because I've been where you are now. I pray that you feel better and have the strength to face your new life ahead.

    Much love,
    Janet
  9. sdown

    sdown New Member

    I know how you feel. I had a terrific job as a Stock Analyst in an oil and gas company. It was exciting to be located in the downtown area where all the action is. Bonuses were awesome. Wonderful benefits. I lost it all 5 years ago. After 2 1/2 years with CFS I was able to go back to work part-time for 19 months but missed 25 days due to infections. Ive been off work now for 1 year and its very lonely. Hang in there. Get some rest. I try to be grateful for what I have. This site for one. My son and husband are great. I have a house. Try to count your blessings. I know its hard but Im going to send you a great big hug! Chin up!
  10. skierchik

    skierchik New Member

    Suzetal, I know exactly how you feel! I have Juvenile Diabetes (23yrs now), a thyroid condition called Hashimoto's, 4 whiplashes from car accidents and a very bad ski accident in Dec. 03 that after 4 surgeries in 4 months has left me with chronic fatigue once again. I used to have a career and now I can't work. As I write this I have the influenza which is the 3rd time this winter so far.

    As far as the CFS goes, I am feeling better and actually able to ski again and even as soon as last year could not ski due to muscle pain and weakness. (I'll die before I ever stop skiing)

    Doctor's were of no help to me...they would blame it on the diabetes which I knew wasn't the source. Here's some of what I did. I bought a book called "The 28 day Rejuvenation Diet" by Jeffrey S. Bland, PhD. Not a weight loss book at all. That was just for marketing purposes. It has a section in the book for CFS. I took the supplements Dr. Bland recommended and I did the diet as well. Twice this regime has helped me alot!! I won't kid yu, the restrictions make it very tough. Yu can't have sugar, dairy, wheat or gluten, eggs or anything you are allergic to. I did this for more than 28 days because it was helping so much. Basically, what it does for you is detox or clean your body at the CELLULAR level. I knew both times that I was very "toxic" and that minerals like magnesium weren't getting into the cell, thus why our muscles hurt so bad. Magnesium is necessary for muscle relaxation. However, I was taking a ton of mag plus my doc at the time was giving mag/vit c drips and after $1,000 (that I didn't have), my mag levels were normal in the blood but below normal at the cellular level. They hadn't changed a bit!!!! And that's because my body was "toxic". It doesn't take much to get one toxic these days. Pharmaceutical drugs are the worst, over the counter medications too. Also eating stuff that you may be allergic to and don't realize. Pesticides, herbicides, processed foods, and the typical american diet etc. I try to eat organic foods, and very little processed foods. I hope to work again some day, but I can't until I get my immune system working again. What started your CF?? Are you working with anyone??

    skierchik
  11. elastigirl

    elastigirl New Member

    I have noticed over my life that our lives cycle. We may have wonderful patches when we're falling in love, when we love our jobs, or when we have a child to celebrate.

    When I was in my twenties going through a very blue time, looking back at the wonderful times I had with my first love -- now an ex -- and hating where I was in life, I told myself, the next time my life is wonderful, I'm going to do everything I can to love it and enjoy it and remember it.

    When I fell in love with my son's father, I had a few wonderful years. A man I loved, a home I loved, a job I loved. Romance, adventure, great co-workers, great friends and neighbors ... topped off with the miracle of a child!

    On bad days in this new and often horrible life, I look back now and comfort myself with the fact that that at least I had been so lucky as to have a wonderful life for a few years. Some people never get that.

    It still hurts to look back on all you've lost, but I hope that some day, maybe in a few months, or few years from now, we'll have something new and wonderful to remember.

    I for one never thought I'd have to the strength to be a single mom -- well or not well! Although this whatever-it-is-that-makes-me-sick sometimes affects my ability to be a top notch mom, I will never forget that I had this one-of-a-kind opportunity and priviledge to be the person primarily responsible for caring for my son.

    I fill up with pride, that despite everything, despite poverty, rejection, abuse, loss of self-esteem, loss of ability to work, loss of a nice home, etc., etc., at least I had this one priviledge -- to raise a child -- that has given me infinite positive memories filled with enough love to last a lifetime.

    Someday I hope we can find a way to turn our current nightmares into the dreams of our future.

    Lots of love and understanding. Best wishes to you.