Situational stress causing CFS flares to worsen - help!

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by CinCA, Jan 19, 2006.

  1. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    I've posted several times about my recent (this summer) dx of CFS and how lately things have gotten much worse re: an impending job change for hubby that requires a move of about 100 mi. While I initially was excited about the opportunity and agreed to it, the more I saw and learned of the area, the less I wanted anything to do with it, to the point I now am almost willing to do anything to stay in this house and just have everything consistent, constant, and unchanging for once. There has been so much happening, and we've had so many issues/regressions with our 4 y.o. daughter, that I frequently am becoming completely unglued. Hubby is convinced I am bipolar...he says it all the time. I know bipolar people (or rather relatives of them), and yes, I am profoundly moody, and I do get very nasty when I get overstimmed, but I know this is all due to the situational stress and I am not mentally ill. The CFS, which hubby doesn't believe in, just compounds everything as my senses are so, so raw, and I get so fatigued and don't have the reserves I should. This is esp. hard as I have a very busy, very willful, and very draining child. I love her so much, but in less than an hour this evening, I had her throwing fits about dinner, then I found out she peed in her pants again...this has been a daily or more occurrence for several months, and I know it's behavioral and not medical in nature...then hubby caught her chewing on our nice leather couch, then I saw a mark that looked an awful lot like pencil on her door casing (and we are trying to get our house ready to list for sale early next week). I can only take so much.

    Can he force me to move/sell our house? I am on the title and own 1/2 of it. But he says he owns the other 1/2, and he can force me to sell. I haven't worked in years (I stay home to care for our daughter) and have no income...and I am too sick with CFS to consider going to a full-time career at this point. I have very much tried to have an open mind about the move, but I've encountered so many nasty people, and the traffic has been horrendous. I also have basically zero friends up there and do not have the energy to re-establish a support network, etc., much less find my way around a new area when I still sporadically "zone" and miss freeway exits, etc. around here, 'cause of the whole brain fog thing. My body just cannot take the stress. I am only in my mid-30s, but I am so thin and frail I wonder how far it will go. And my husband will not compromise on ANYTHING about this, esp. as we have a signed lease for housing starting Feb. 1st.

    I just don't know what to do. I have nowhere to go re: family and no one to really help me financially. I have seriously considered filing for divorce, but I know that would devastate my child, and my husband would fight me tooth and nail for custody and try to use the whole CFS thing as proof I was incompetent. Again, I also have no means of supporting myself at the moment, and I don't see that changing in the near term. Hubby says even if I filed, he would make me sell the house anyways, as I wouldn't be able to buy him out. It's awful.

    If anyone has ANY ideas of options for me, I would really appreciate them. I feel utterly trapped. But I know in my heart this move is the last thing I need, and my health will continue to go downhill. I can tell my body is breaking down. How much further will it go? I need to make a change NOW so I can start healing myself, something I had actually started to do before the whole job/move thing sent me into a tailspin.

    Thank you so much for any help.
  2. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    It's not like I am being all weird and possessive about our house. Yes, I do love it, as we did so much work on it ourselves and it's been home for 8 years. Plus our daughter was virtually born here (actually a mile away), we have the most fantastic neighbors, and we are in a very quiet, pleasant neighborhood with a lot of privacy on our lot. I do just love our house and don't want to leave it. But it's more that I just cannot handle this much upheaval and turmoil, esp. the fact I will be so far from what little support system I have here, as well as my being 100 mi. away (literally) from my doctor. And that 100 mi. goes right through some of the worst traffic in the country...it could potentially take upwards of 3 hours to travel. Not exactly convenient.

    I just do not have the energy to deal with the emotional and physical aspects of this move, not to mention hubby's new job and all the hours he will work, as well as our daughter's new school, where honestly she'll probably get kicked out of the pre-k/kindergarten class she'll be in because of the whole potty accident/peeing on herself thing. Although interestingly, she stays dry all day at school now and pees when she gets home. We have tried ALL sorts of incentives, rewards, punishments, etc., and she still pees. I know it's partly because of all the stress...she is having a hard time now, too, and it really freaks her out when I snap at her and/or daddy and I argue, much as we try to keep all the nastiness from her. I feel awful all of this is going on. But he still WILL NOT budge and INSISTS I am the problem and I just need to "get used to" this new area, as well as force-feed myself and exercise. Yeah, if it was that easy. There are so many things about the area I just cannot handle, like the huge sprawl such a short distance away and the fact we'll be in a nice house, but in a newer development where we'll be boxed in on all 4 sides...I cannot handle that population density, but it was the only decent rental we found. And I cannot force myself to eat if I'm not hungry...I end up with a lot of GI symptoms and feel that much worse. Plus, when I exercise, it initally feels so good to burn off stress, but in true CFS fashion, I then feel so drained I pretty much can't do anything for a day afterwards...I am unbelievably wiped out. I feel I just can't win. I know what I need...consistency, peace, quiet, and SPACE...and I cannot get any of it. I can't even sleep well. Even if I don't wake up on my own, our daughter keeps coming in our room in the middle of the night (she's cold, or she peed and is wet, or she is hungry, or she can't find her stuffed animal, whatever). Then my husband is snoring badly. And even our cat keeps waking us up because she wants more food, or last night a cat came wandering outside and got her all riled up around 2 in the morning. It never stops. What can I do to help get some minute sense of calm in my life???? And how can I get it through hubby's head that I just CANNOT take this move right now????

    Thanks.
  3. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    You and I seem to be the late-night posters, don't we? Do you also live in the PST, or are you just a night owl?

    Yes, I am in quite a spot, and no, I really don't have family that can help. Fortunately, my in laws have been willing to take our daughter for the weekend lately, and that has been great, as otherwise one of us has to spend time with her and it cuts into our productivity re: getting things done with the house. I was supposed to take our daughter up there tomorrow for the weekend, but she is sick with a cold, so I'm not sure if we will go. Watching her has been a very recent thing (basically because they only now can handle her...she used to have the most terrible meltdowns NO ONE would watch her, period). But they live over an hour away, so it's not really convenient, and that commute will be even longer once we move 'cause of the awful traffic. My mom lives out of state. She has anxiety issues herself and can't even take us coming to visit for too long, much as she loves me and our daughter. She does light candles at church for us each week and prays for us every night. That is her best way of helping, and I do so appreciate it. My dad died of a fatal heart attack 8 years ago, and I have no siblings. I'm not close to any relatives, either, and they also all live "back East" near my mom.

    As far as emotional support, etc., I do have some friends both around here and who I keep in touch with re: phone and e-mail. But it's still hard, and I honestly have NO ONE who I feel would "take me in" if I needed a place to stay. Everyone is just so busy with their own lives. And again, I can't rely on my mom for any of this. She just can't take it.

    It's a hard situation. I am to the point I don't even care if hubby does the drive every day up there or even gets an apt. there and only comes home on weekends, whatever. I can't stand the area that much, and I am that falling apart from the stress of just moving/relocating, not to mention all the stuff from selling what is a very, very special and "emotional" house. I know it will be a very emotional sale to a buyer, too...it's that kind of place...and that will be hard to deal with, as well. We put our hearts and souls into making our "box with a view" ours, and that is so hard to understand. I try to not attach value to material things, but this is more than that. Plus, again, there is such a sense of light, space, and openness with our lot and our very bright and airy place that is very soothing for me, and that I just don't feel whatsoever in the area we are moving to, even where we eventually hope to build a new home. It's hard. Thanks so much for your support!
  4. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    Where we plan to buy a place is a VERY open area...lots of room and a low population. But I just don't get a good feel about it. It also is a very nice and desireable coastal town (I've been so spoiled in that I have only lived coastal since I moved out here), and it supposedly just gets overrun in the summers. Plus, with all the restrictions, it will take likely 2-3 years if not more to buy and build something. After our house, we know we couldn't find something existing we would like (or honestly could afford), and we don't have the energy or the money to do a tear-down or substantial remodel.

    Again, even though so many people say the area is so nice, I just don't like it and feel very "boxed in", even when I am not in built-up areas. Can't explain it...it is a gut feeling that I cannot shake and gets stronger each time I go up there. I'm quite the type-A, rational person, but I have very good intuition, and I don't see this feeling going away, no matter how I try to talk myself into liking it up there. But hubby doesn't respect any of that.
  5. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    It's StormYskye. Sorry about the typo...I am very tired. Off to bed. Hopefully it will be a night with minimal disruptions.

    Thanks again!
  6. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    I understand your stress. I also know that at first it would be really hard, but in time you would fit in. In fact you might do a complete reversal and be glad that you did.

    Dr. you go to now.......well Maybe you can find one close to where you would live?

    Please see a counsler type Dr. See what he/she would say and what they can help you with. You really need someone to talk to that is unbiased, this would help a lot.

    Talk to your regular Dr. on this also. See if he thinks you should move or stay where you are at least for now, or not.
    See if he would be able to talk to your husband.

    On your daughter I would say that there is far too much stress in your household. Try and find the cause of her wetting and being hyper now. It will be harder to help her later on in life. She deserves a good foundation. Take her to a counsler also, for children. Also have her checked for allergies. That can cause a lot of these type problems.

    Try to be on your hubbies side somewhere. Recognize that he has worked to get a head and needs appreciation to. I know that it is hard but try and be a couple again. Your daughter needs that also.

    I hope you understand what I am trying to say. I hope I was not too blunt. Your nerves are raw right now and I really want the best for you in all ways. Please seek additional doctoring to help you along before it gets worse. We all need someone to listen to us that does not repeat it to others!!!!!!! LOL.

    Let us know how you are doing and all.....I care...sending you Fibro Hugs....Prayers and many Blessings



  7. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    I do appreciate your suggestions. I have talked to my doctor a lot about all the chaos that keeps going on at home, and he keeps saying the same thing...I have GOT to cut my stress! He knows I am doing all I can and gives me the knowing wink when I say, "Yeah...can you take my husband and my kid???" He won't come out and say it, but I know he thinks this move is the worst thing for me, illness-wise.

    As for "fitting in", honestly, I've been through so much I don't even want to anymore. I have encountered so many nasty, flaky, uncaring people since I moved here that I honestly am taking the going in position that I won't meet anyone I like, and if I do "click" with someone, it will be a bonus. I have a few good friends here now, but it has taken YEARS to develop them. Where I live is a very hard place to meet people, and with a much more "high needs" daughter than average (although she is better now), that also has been challenging.

    Hubby and I tried counseling before, to no avail. He just kept saying how screwed up I was and the counselor kept saying I should be doing all these other things to help in the marriage. I tried, but I also had an extremely colicky and 24 x 7 demanding infant (I am sure this was early signs of the sensory issues she has), as well as zero (and I mean ZERO) family support or childcare, and my husband was traveling internationally one week out of every month. Honestly, we both had such a bad experience with that counselor (and wasted so much $$$$) we are very hesitant to go down that road again. I know they'll tell me the same thing...you have to cut stress...even though there are a lot of situations in my life that just cause stress and can't be mitigated very easily. I can't magically create friends or family who help, I can't make my daughter all of sudden become "easier" or more "typical", there is a lot I can't change. So I try to change what I can. But I also am so frazzled I don't need major changes right now, and I am not saying lightly how much I do NOT like the area of the new job and how I KNOW it will not "grow on me" as so many have suggested. If hubby lived there when I first met him, there is NO way I would have moved out here...it just is way too close to major congestion and a major urban center for my tastes and very sensitive system. The costs are also just ludicrous, and despite the hefty raise, I don't see how we can afford all he is thinking we can. We are better playing it conservative and at the very least having me stay here for awhile, 'til we see how everything plays out. But all he sees is $$$$$ (and we have lots of equity in our place), so he is h**** bent on selling. It's a mess. Thanks for your advice, though...I do appreciate it.