So Sad....My Mom called me a Drug Addict

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by kellyann, Sep 16, 2008.

  1. kellyann

    kellyann New Member

    Hi everyone,

    I am just beside myself with sadness and depression today. I talked to my mom on the phone last night. She told me that she thinks I am addicted to pain meds and that I need to go into rehab and get on methadone.

    I told her I HAVE to take my pain meds or I can't funtion. That I can not handle the pain. Now she has fibro too. But she is able do do a heck of a lot more than I am.

    She says so what if you are in pain? Get up an clean your house, and don't think about it.

    I can't do that. I have been on narcotic pain pills for about 5 years now, so I guess I am addicted to them, so what! I am not about to give up what little relief I get just to suit her. She says she is worried about what it is doing to my liver. That is good point, I guess, but I do take liver supplements. Liv52, it's good stuff.

    She hurt me very badly last night. I don't know what to do about this. I hurt so bad, my heart is broken.

    She does not understand. I have lyme disease too. She does not. So she has no idea of how much pain I am in. I can't just jump up and grin and bear it. No way in hell!

    How can I make her understand?

    I am hurting down to my soul!

    Please help!

  2. Catseye

    Catseye Member

    Hi Kellyann

    My mom has seen me go from bedridden to functional and still doesn't understand any of it although I've explained everything in detail. She's old and new ideas are just not things she is willing to make an effort to understand, period.

    Sounds like your mom is the same way. You'll just have to accept a few things:

    1. You won't change her mind no matter what you say or what proof you put in front of her so don't try.

    2. Her motives and intentions are still for your safety, more so than your happiness. And this means what SHE thinks is in your best interest, not what IS.

    3. You will never agree on this matter.

    That's just the way most moms are. I believe that neurons in the brain become "cemented in place" as you get older and that's why people can't entertain new ideas when they're old. It's infinitely easier if you just agree with her, even if you have to lie. I think that's what the bible meant about honor they mother and father. I think it really means humor them and go along with what they say so everybody's happy. Otherwise, you can argue and discuss things 'til you are blue in the face and it will just create a dark cloud of negativity and hurt feelings. It's just the nature of a mom's, and an older person's, brain to be like this.

    Don't fight it, just go with it. Agree and nod and say yes. If you go against it, it is just an uphill battle you can't win. They're getting older and a little bit nutty, and you're not. At least not yet! You can still see it, but they can't. Don't let it get you down, just deal with it without taking it personally. You might try a grand lie like you're weaning yourself off your meds and then just try to not talk about your pain with her - save that for your friends like here.

    We tell white lies to people because it spares people's feelings and avoids arguments, especially like this when you just can't reason with them no matter what. That's all you're doing - telling white lies. You won't ever make her understand so don't waste the energy. If it's an uncomfortable topic to discuss with her, then change the subject and avoid it.

    My mom still asks me if I want cake and bread and cookies when I go over there, or ice cream, and she's known for years I can't have any wheat or dairy. But I don't bring that up every time, I just say "no thank you" and forget it. She's not "alzheimic", she's just an old mom!

    At least you're smart enough to use the Liv52. I use it all the time, too. But I don't tell my mom about it, she'd think it's bogus - it's way too over her head. Remember, she's not your friend, she's a mom AND an old person! Just don't dwell on her not understanding. It's better to say whatever you have to say to keep the peace and make her think you're happy. She will only get frustrated if she hears you complain about your pain because she feels for you. She'll say what she thinks you should do to get better. And even though it's wrong, it's what she has in her head.

    I know lyme sucks, but I find it better to keep most of my issues hidden from my parents. It just worries them and they just end up saying something stupid. You only get sympathy from friends, I've found. And regarding lyme, cfs and fibro, you get 50 year old, useless advice from parents.

    My own dealings with my mom are more like "parental relationship maintenance" rather than just having a simple conversation. I have to watch what I say and I try to keep the peace because it works out better in the long run. It may seem forced and ridiculous at first, but you can make it a habit. When parents get older, you have to talk to them differently than you did before. They really aren't your friends and you won't be able to turn them into one, either.

    Save your pain ranting for here! We hear and understand, we relate and sympathize! Mom will only get more and more worried, frustrated and upset!

    Your mom did her job, you're alive and well adjusted. She was able to do that so well because she wasn't your friend. As dingbatty as they may be in their old age, mom's are cool! After all, we're here!


    [This Message was Edited on 09/16/2008]
  3. FMsaddenedspirit

    FMsaddenedspirit New Member

    Hello Kellyann
    number 1 methadone .. no no no .. this only makes things worse.. then you can't function without that.. makes no since , I had a friend that tried that years ago... please don't do that .. GRRR
    Give it time.. you do not say how long she has had FM ...
    I am sorry that she hurt you ,, I also would not be able to make it without my pain meds. I would be bed ridden for sure.. sounds like you would be to..
    it's sad , and I am sorry that you where hurt by her incentive words .....
    WE understand you , and what you are going through...

    Me...It has been such a struggle lately , trying to learn my new limits , limits that seem to be less and less... day by day

    please don't let what your Mom said bother you , I know how hard it is. :(

    stay Strong

    prayers .....Soft huggles also

    FM Aka JoAnne

  4. Doober

    Doober New Member

    There is a difference in being addicted to something and being dependant on it.

    We depend on meds to help us get through the day. We use it to eleviate the aches and pains that otherwise would just leave us unable to function the way we need to in order to survive the days.

    We go to our DR's to get these and work with them to find what helps us. We go about it in the right way.

    Someone who is an addict will do whatever it takes to get their fix. They will steal, lie and do some pretty bad things to get what they want.

    So, don't let the words of someone get to you regardless of who the person is. We all have that person or people in our lives who say things that hurt us. We have to remember that we have control of our own lives and that people will always say things, most of the time on subjects that they are not medically trained for or just happen to see a show on the discovery channel and all of a sudden they think they are experts.

    Just realize that there are several people here who have gone through what you have and no doubt there will be others after us who will experience the same things.

    So hold your head up high (if it don't hurt TOO much) and know that we understand and are here for each other.
  5. Toga

    Toga Member

    Just "fib" to her. Make her think you have cut back and then have slowly quit taking "drugs."

    It'll make her feel better and you'll feel better because there will not be the conflict.

    I keep the meds I take from everyone but my husband and daughters just to avoid the "conversation and questions."

    And I don't take any pain meds but Tylonol. I just get tired of hearing from my sister-in-laws (and some friends) that all they take is vitamins. Yeah, right! Me too!

    It is no one's business unless you want it to be and there's no use upsetting your mother.

    You'll get to the point where it just doesn't come up in discussion and your visits will be much more fun.

  6. goldengoddess

    goldengoddess New Member

    No seriously! And it sucks, I take meds for bipolar and for the pain. I cut back on the meds, to show my mom and my fiance that I could do it. And the pain, and my moodiness (bitchyness) were far worse. Now they say, take the pain killers!

    My mom has fibro too, though not as bad. Having been through the bipolar rollercoaster she was a bit more understanding, but not by much. She exercises, she gets up and does stuff cause there isn't anyone else to do it for her, she does this and that......

    Finally one day, shes talking to me about a new whatever with fibro, they think it could be an imbalance in the brain, like many other disorders. That was my in! I was like: yeah mom, like bipolar, and since it's a chemical imbalance in the brain, it would affect everyone differently, like bipolar. So your fibro affects you differntly!!! Once we went round a few times about this, she's finally let up.

    I also started spending time with her when I felt horrible and she could see how I was!

    Also, there are a number of articles on pain meds that discuss the affects of narcotics on people in pain. We don't get addicted because we are in pain, or something like that, don't quote me, google it!!!

    Knowledge is Power, Arm Yourself!!!
  7. colorfulcolorado

    colorfulcolorado New Member

    I happen to take methadone with my killers, muscle relaxers etc. to help with the pain. Methadone is used for alot of different things including help with pain. I work and everything on all these. It only takes the edge off, I don't think there is a pain killer in the world that helps with the pain.
    Sorry your Mom is not at all understanding. FM like anything else affects people differently and maybe she's been miss diagnosed! And you being her daughter she should show some compassion-the world in general is lacking in that.
    I don't have any right answers but stress brings me down, so chalk it up to an experience in FM and just go on with your day. Apparently she's going on with her life(judging people) so, you go on with yours! I really hope you find peace. Take care! Gentle Hugs!
  8. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Before I give my 2 cents worth I would ask what kind of relationship you have with your Mom? Are you close? If you are that hurt by what she said, I would assume that you are.
    I wouldn't take the position that some people here have taken- but that's just me. I have a very close relationship with my Mom. I'm sure your Mom is worried and concerned about you, but at the same time is uninformed on pain medications and the use of them with Fibro. As a mother I would probably want to make sure my child knew what they were doing as well- knew all of the risk etc. Sometimes the delivery doesn't come across so well. If she'd have voiced her concerns differently, you might feel differently.

    If it were me (can only give my perspective) I would explain to my Mom the difference between dependency and addiction. I would also explain that your doctor prescribes them for a reason. THEY HELP YOU. I tell my Mom I wish I didn't need them at all - and sometimes they don't even help. Ya know what my family says? Call your doctor and tell them you need something stronger that does work!

    I remember when I saw my new GP who first suspected Fibro. She said "You will probably be on pain meds for the rest of your life". I have written this here many times. I didn't take that as a negative, but more as a "finally, I found a doctor who gets it!" It'll be up to me how long I need them and God I pray I don't need them much longer, but at least I know that someone understands the pain I live with and the possible need for relief.

    I wouldn't write my parents off with the old age thing either. My parents have gotten more understanding and flexible the older they've gotten.

    If you're able to, I would have a nice heart to heart with your Mom. Tell her how hurt you were by her comments. Tell her how you're struggling anyway and this was icing on the cake and just broke your heart. You need her understand right now. You appreciate her concern, and always will. Explain to her the difference between dependency and addiction - if necessary show her the above article. (There are great articles about it on Tell her how much you wish you didn't have to take anything but sometimes it's the difference between being couch or bed bound and functioning during the day (or whatever your situation is)

    Tell her what you need from her. Support, love and understanding. Concern is perfectly okay and you cannot expect any less from a Mom. So relieve her fears in exchange.

    If she has Fibro and does not need any pain meds and functions great - tell her how lucky she is.

    If you're not that close to your Mom, it may be an opportunity to get closer. Sometimes hurt, painful hearts and the healing that follows brings people closer if both people are willing to embrace each other.

    Either way, please don't spend another day with a broken heart - communication will always make you feel better, because you've gotten your chance to say what you need to. So please call her and get this cleared up as soon as possible. How she reacts is unknown, but what's important is for you to say what you need to.

    BTW- I take pain meds w/no tylenol or ibuprofen to minimize any damage to my liver. Just an FYI that they are out there!

    Let us know how it goes - please....

    [This Message was Edited on 09/16/2008]
  9. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    My hubby has told me for years that NO matter how low of a dosage I am taking I still am addicted, now and forever. My 3 daughters feel the same way. I have explained that while I am taking strong pain meds I am not addicted to them but I am dependant on them to allow me to be able to do the things I need to do each day.

    Try not to let what your family tells you about your meds.
    This is between you and your doctor, I have had to tell my family that I am not willing to talk about what I take or the amount I take. I only take the amounts needed to do all the things I need to do daily.
    Don't let them get you down. Trust your self and your doctor.
    Sending you lots of ~HUGS~
  10. kellyann

    kellyann New Member

    My mom and I are very close. She had me when she was 16. I helped raise my brothers and sisters. She lives down in Florida now so I don't get to see her as often as I'd like.

    She had a triple bipass heart surgery last year. We almost lost her. The doctors sewed up her chest with some type of wire, it was terrible looking. Anyway, after that sugery she barely took any pain meds, said they made her sick.

    I don't know, maybe she thinks that as old as she is and with her fibro pain and heart surgery and all, that I should be in better shape than she is....but I am not. I guess she's super tough, I'm not, I am tired of fighting the pain with every breath I take.

    I tried talking to her, telling her how depressed I am. I told her there had been several times I had taken handful of pills just wondering if I'd wake up or not the next morning. But this was after we hd tlked about the pain meds, and her telling me I needed rehab. I just want her to know how bad I am really feeling. And how very lonesome I am. I m not going to ever do it again, I realize I have 2 baby girls depending on me every day. I think I do need my anti depresnant med adjusted, I've taken the same dose for 4 years now of effexor.I think I need something added to it. I just hate to think of going to the damn shrink once month in order to get it....yuck. I hate going anywhere. I don't want to leave my house any more. I don't want to drive. I don't want to do anything. I guess you could say I am in a major deep dpression. I should not have told her about my depession, I should have kept that to myself. Now I'll just have her worried about me.I am just stupid. I have no one to talk to though. I thought maybe she could talk to me, not put me down for my meds.

    I was om methadone for a year once for pain relief. It worked well for the pain, but made me feel like a zombie. I could barely function for that whole year! Then I was switched to oxycodone and felt much better.

    I had terrible stomach problems , I guess IBS. I had diariah(sp) so bad I couldn't eat anything without taking
    tons of imodiom or pepto. So when I got on the oxcodone my stomach problems just quit! It was amazing. No more hours on the toilet! That is a wonderful side effect or me!

    You are all so wonderful and you don't know how much your posts have meant to me. I have sat here and read each one at least three times! I love you all! You have made me feel so much better in my time of need! Thank you all so very much my friends!

  11. kellyann

    kellyann New Member

    You are right. There are things parents don't need to know aabout their adult children. I should never have opened up and told her anything. But she just kept on at me. I really should call her, but I dread doing so...


  12. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    I wish there was a way we could talk.
    I read your last post. I feel very much the way you do right now. Very much.

    You have someone who understands. Me.
  13. kellyann

    kellyann New Member

    If you would like to meet me in one of the chat rooms I am more than willing!

    Just let me know when, afternoons or evenings are best for me as I don't do mornings, haha!

    Take care,

  14. bopsie

    bopsie New Member

    Hi Kelly Ann,

    I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I have been fortunate in that my parents (who are in their 80's) do not want to see me in pain and understand the pain medication allows me to have some relief.

    When I do discuss the subject, I ask people - would you deny Insulin to a diabetic or anti-hypertensives to someone with hypertension?

    I also learned the hard way, it is best not to discuss your pain meds with people - most of them just don't understand. If they walked in our shoes just one day I have a feeling they would change their way of thinking.

    Hang in there. As others have said, being dependent is not addiction. Remember the Serenity Prayer - accept the things we cannot change.

    Take care of yourself.

    [This Message was Edited on 09/24/2008]
  15. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Hi there-
    I'm sorry I just returned to this post and read the last ones...
    I'll meet you in chat anytime. I've only been there once.

    I'll check this post again during the day - I should be back on here late afternoon. have a few things to take care of this morning.. =)