So sad, need some friends

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by hermitlady, Apr 18, 2008.

  1. hermitlady

    hermitlady Member

    I've had a rough week. I've posted on the Depr and FM/CFS boards and haven't had more than a couple of replies. Maybe they're sick of me. I know I'm sick of everything right now.

    2 Dr appts, more meds, more head trips. I am in a bad place and I'm scared. I just don't know what to do, I feel so bad physically and mentally.

    I just need someone to prop me up a little, can someone spare a minute? I feel like nobody cares. How pathetic I am, asking for strangers to be my friends. This is the last time I'm going to try posting for support, I've about given up.
  2. Kathleen12

    Kathleen12 New Member

    Please don't feel pathetic about seeking support from strangers.....we are no longer strangers to you. We are probably part of the few who really understand. Consider us your extended family whom you can turn to for support.

    You know what I do when I start feeling so hopeless?? I tell myself that it WILL get better at some point. It may not be tomorrow or next week, but there IS a good day ahead...maybe even a few! I tell myself that I will not be on my back forever and I just have to endure these black days for a while. Try to look forward to those days and plan for them. Daydream a little about what you are going to do when you have a "good" day.

    My heart hurts for you knowing that you are going through about what I'm going through right now myself.

    You hold that head up high and with pride because we are a very strong group of people who must endure more than what the general population does. I don't think that anyone could walk a day in our shoes!

  3. hermitlady

    hermitlady Member

    Thanks so much, I really appreciate your kind words.

    My husband always tells me to look forward to the future. It's just hard sometimes to think that there's ever going to be a time where I won't feel bad like this.

    I hate feeling like this, it's torture. Sounds like you know how it feels, I hope you will have better days too.
  4. ksp56

    ksp56 Member

    You have come to a wonderful place where you will be embraced and cared for.

    I am sorry you've had these rough weeks. Don't give up! You will find friends and support here. Some days people reply more than others. Please join us and feel free to meet other's on the different threads. We have a real sense of community here. You will make friends, especially by being apart of here!

    Depression is a problem with me. I am Bipolar, with depression. It is awful. Nothing seems as if it will ever be okay, but it will. As terribly low, bleak, and helpless/hopeless you feel, I know there will some better days. That is my only hope when I am in a very deep depression which linger's much too long.

    You are not pathetic. We all need friends. You are not alone!

    Keep posting and join in when you feel like it! This board has been my saving grace when I've been depressed, feel rotten from these DD's, etc.

    Post and let us know how you are doing! I will check your thread later. Hopefully, you will see there are people who care.

    Take perfect care,

    [This Message was Edited on 04/18/2008]
  5. Kathleen12

    Kathleen12 New Member

    I'm just you have occasional "good" days? I know that most of us do have a few ok days hince the term "chronic". I could not imagine being in this state with NO reprieve.

    I read your post on the depression board and I know you are aware as you stated that you are under extreme stress. I know that you feel that all that is left is to just give up. But please don't! Things can only get better....if even just a little bit....

    You are a dear lady who is struggeling to do the right thing for your children and God sees this. I do wish you could get away for a couple of days for a brief reprieve from the stress you are under.

    Too bad we can't communicate in other ways than the message boards.
  6. hermitlady

    hermitlady Member

    I do have better times where the depr isn't so bad. It's always there tho. My psychiatrist says I"m Atypical Bipolar, low and lower moods without any manic phases. There is history of Bipolar in my father's side of the family.

    In fact my dad passed away at 89 in Jan 08, so that's another stressor that's added to all of this. He had been sick and pretty much bedridden for yrs from strokes and high blood pressure. It wasn't a surprise, but still very sad. I wasn't close to him, kind of a stressful relationship since childhood.

    The FM/CFS has been horrible the last few months, and the fatigue is just getting worse day by day. I've spent the last 5-6 wks either in bed or on the couch. I'm just feelling terrible all around, it's a vicious cycle. It scares me cuz I'm just progressively getting worse.

    Thanks ladies, so much!
  7. hermitlady

    hermitlady Member

    I read your profile and see you have an adult child w mental illness. Did this occur during his/her childhood also? My 16 yr old daughter has many mental illness issues and is Devel Disabled, around 4-7 yrs old mentally. She's always been difficult and will most likely be like this forever.

    This has been my major stressor for 10+ yrs, it's really rough. May I ask how you cope? I have been thru a lot of therapy dealing w this, but still have so much sadness, guilt, anger, you name it!

    Thanks, H
  8. LenoreR

    LenoreR New Member

    Oh sweetie,

    I can understand how you are feeling, though I am not you and we all personally feel it differently. You have lots of friends on this board; I hope you will now count me as one of them.

    As Kim (kps) said, there are lots of threads here that make a community. You might want to browse the "to do list" thread. I've been somewhat in your situation and created my own fantasy island; as you read through you'll see that it seemed to give everyone a lift from our cumulative bad week. I retreat to my fantasy island when I'm feeling hopeless, maybe it will work for you!

    You are absolutely not pathetic, so stop that thinking right now young lady! You are reaching out for support, and you have come to the right place. We (and I) are here to help you get throught this. With so much stress on you, it's inevitable you are overwhelmed. Who better to rely on than this wonderful group that actually understands, has been through some of the same things, and fights these DDs like you do? My thoughts are with you, and I'm hoping the weekend will lower some of that stress and give you a chance to recharge.

    Keep posting, hermitlady, and we'll help you get through this. I too will be watching for your posts and if I can support you some more, just let me know.

    Sending butterflies and gentle hugs,
  9. ckball

    ckball New Member

    I am so sorry you are feeling so alone, I so understand as I have been alone for a long time.

    These past few months have been very hard for me for several reasons then I got better week before last. Then my mom had her stroke.

    I have been sitting in hospice with her since Mon and we are in the final days.

    EVERYONE here has been so supportive and you have come to the right place for comfort and understanding, it has been a great comfort to me to know how much "strangers" care.

    But as Kathleen said, we are not strangers and we are a family. I do not know what it is like for you to deal with your daughter, it must be so hard. But release it to gods hands and he will guide you.

    I am not a religious person that attends church, but these last few weeks I do feel god gave me all these obsticles to overcome to give me strengh to deal with my mom at this time.

    I hope you find your peace and my heart and prayers go out to you-Carla
  10. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member is not you. We all get this sort of thing going on. People rarely have the patience to understand and deal with long term illness.

    It is so very tiring and trying to have to be back and forth to docs all the time, enough to make you sick!!!

    Chitchat board is the best place for lonliness. Just hop onto everyone or anyones posts and join in-it will give you someone to 'chat' with instead of that overwhelming lonliness so this is the best place to be for that sort of support for sure.

    Love Annie
  11. bct

    bct Active Member

    I, like you, am an animal lover. I see you have a 22 yr. old fire-bellied newt! That is impressive. And you have fur-babies to cuddle! I have a little Corgi and a cat. The latter we took in from the woods a couple of years ago, a poor starving waif kitten. She is so happy now, and a great comfort to me, as is my dog.

    Many years ago on a stormy day between Christmas and New Year's, I found a drenched, shivering little dog at the end of my rural driveway. I took him in, though I had three other dogs already. Anyway, this little black mutt, named Sputnik, stayed with us for 21 yrs. before passing. He was such a sweetie, and I am glad that we were able to give him a nice life. That seems to be what you are doing, with your fur-babies, feral and domestic. Bless you, dear, we need more gentle souls like you in this world.

    I have CFS, peripheral neuropathy, and CL leukemia (non-progressive so far), and have always had some degree of depression. I am intolerant of ADs, so I tough it out by reading, trying to make myself laugh, light gardening, and talking baby-talk to my animals! I know some people would think this pretty pathetic too (the talking baby-talk)!

    Anyway, dear, hang in there; I am pretty much a hermit too. Sometimes a phone call helps, but I don't know too many people anymore, so this board really helps me 'cyber-connect'.

    Regards and a hug,
  12. 4everkid

    4everkid New Member

    You don't have to ask me to be your friend, I already am! I am sorry you are going through such a rough stretch. The thing about venting here, is that most of us can relate. But you have it harder than most of us, because of your special needs kids. You are under extra stress because you have to worry about them, especially your daughter. And being a hermit lady doesn't help. Plus losing your father has probably put even more strain on your emotions. My FM pretty much coincided with the death of my father.

    Last July, I broke my ankle, but in the process, really wrecked both of my feet. About the time I was able to get out and drive again, the transmission went out on my car. About the time we were preparing to buy a new one, hubby broke his hip, and was unable to work all winter. We have been flat broke, digging ourselves deeper into credit card debt, and I still have no transportation. So I have become kind of an unwilling hermitlady myself. And I know how hard that can be on your psyche.

    It seems like my FM has gotten much worse over the period described above. I have had to double my meds, and am still half crippled even though my ankle bone healed up fine. I suspect that when I finally get some wheels, and the freedom to get out of this house, I will begin to feel better again. Being cooped up is depressing. Feeling miserable and cooped up is even worse.

    So lets focus on some positive things. First of all, I love your profile picture! The flowers are beautiful and you are a very pretty lady. I guess I imagined you looking more like an actual hermit, but you don't at all. In fact, with the beautiful smile, perfect skin and well coiffed hair, you look NOTHING like a hermit. (I'm not really a "kid" either.)

    Is it possible for you to get someone to care for the kids for a day, so you can get out and have some fun? Or maybe a weekend visit to see your family? I don't know if your daughter could handle a 4 hour car trip or not. But if she could, it might be uplifting for you to see your family members.

    I see you are a stained glass artist (who has taken a few years off.) Maybe some creativity would help to lift your mood. Maybe you could create a small project or two and see if it helps. Something not too straining. Little suncatchers or something. I have a little mobile made of glass pieces edged in metal, beads and wire that's really cute. That might be fun to try. You could use scraps for that.

    Sometimes it helps just to take the focus off your problems, and get your mind busy with something else. If the glass is too physical for your condition, maybe you could sketch some ideas for later. Or, since you have all those cats, set up a few empty boxes for them to play in, and let them entertain you. A box full of happy cats is one of the best anti depressants there is!

    I think stress and mood is directly related to pain, personally. Over a period of six years while my oldest son was in the army, I noticed that every time he came home on leave, I was pain free till he left again. It took me a while to get the connection, then longer to admit it. But the extreme thrill of seeing my son had a temporary healing effect. FM was the last thing on my mind.

    So try ditching the FM/CFS research for a while, and find something to occupy your mind that gives you joy. Work within your limits. Like, don't go mountain climbing or white water rafting! But something simple, easy and fun that won't make you hurt more.

    You are NOT pathetic! I am never sick of you. In fact, I look forward to seeing you here! So ANY time you need a friend, I am here for you! I care about you - you are one of my Lost sisters! We have a special connection. And as a fellow hermit, I know how grim life can seem when you are always on the inside looking out. You just have to find a way to pull some sunshine inside to you. I am in and out of here all day and night. So anytime you need a friend, just give me a holler!

    Your buddy,
  13. stick2013

    stick2013 Member

    Hi Hermit,

    Yup, we all know how bad the depression can get. How it makes us isolate, pull away, and to feel misunderstood by the *so called* normal people.

    I have had depression for about 40 yrs. It has become my best friend and my worst enemy. I wake up and it's there, I go to bed and it's there. Always lurking....

    So yes, many of us know what you are going through, and you are not alone in your thinking. Some of us also have the physical pain too. That in itself is enough to make a person depressed, when you live with pain 24/7.

    Try and hang in there no matter how bad you think it is.....
  14. hermitlady

    hermitlady Member

    You've made my day. I can't believe so many of you have replied when I needed you the most. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    I've read every post more than once and I'm sorry I can't concentrate enough to reply to each of you. Just know that I'm sorry for anyone and everyone who has/is going thru a rough time. This is the way to make it thru, with friends like this.

    I am amazed and in tears, I'm sending love to you all.

    xxxooo Hermit
  15. fivesue

    fivesue New Member what the other have said. Life is tough and sometimes it is even tougher like what's been going on for you the last few weeks.

    This is a lovely place to come when you want to just throw yourself on the couch and cry. That's OK, too, but people here are very understanding. I'm glad you have posted here and have been encouraged.

    Hang in there with ALL of us!

  16. Doober

    Doober New Member

    As long as you come here you are never alone.

    Don't ever give up, just come here and vent, ask for advice or just plain ask us to listen.

    Unlike in the every day world we face and the people we deal with, everyone here are great listeners.

    You may run into a few that may say the wrong thing, or not what you want to hear at the moment. Don't worry about those very few you may or may not see. In fact most of those are written with pure intent, but for some reason the words may come out different that what the poster really meant.

    We give lots of words of encouragements. And please join in on the posts.

    Beleive it or not, you do have valueable words of advice to give us just as much as we may give you.

    Judging from your responses to everyone so far, you did not give up on us, so we will not give up on you.
  17. hermitlady

    hermitlady Member

    I thank you all again, such nice folks you all are.

    I have been on meds for 10+ yrs and thru lots of therapy, but as some of you know, there are still bad times. I just saw my psychiatrist yesterday and she wants me to increase my Effexor XR from 75 to 150mg. I'm super sensitive to meds, so I have to take baby sized doses. I'm having to open the capsules and dump some of it out so I can gradually work up to the 150. My stupid ins. co didn't want to pay for different sized pills, so this is what I have to do. If I jumped directly from 75 to 150 I'd feel terrible, I've tried that before.

    I do need to get my mind off of how lousy I feel. It's hard for me to get out of the house and go places due to my fatigue and weakness lately. I'll go outside and putter around in the yard a bit and then come in and collapse on the couch. Just no stamina at all.

    I'm on a couple of meds to supposedly help w the fatigue (Provigil for a year and just started Strattera this week). They keep me awake, but I'm still exhausted. Also started Rozerem this wk for sleep, have to see if it helps. Dr said you have to give it 6 wks to get the full effect. I had a sleep study done a few months ago and am lacking in REM and stage 3 or 4 sleep even when I was taking Trazodone. My body hasn't had restorative sleep in who knows how long. UGH!

    I asked for B12 shots, and they'll only give me one per month. So far I've only had 2 and didn't notice a difference. I try to take supplements, but I have a lot of GI upset and don't always take them regularly. It's bad enough tolerating all the meds...Effexor, Depakote, Ativan, Provigil, Strattera, Norco, Trazadone, and Rozerem. My pharmacist thinks it's way too much meds, but the Drs just keep saying they will help. Hopefully if my sleep improves, I'll be able to eliminate some of them.

    I really appreciate all the words of encouragement. I hope I'm able to help some of you some day.
  18. lgp

    lgp Well-Known Member

    So sorry I'm checking in late today.

    I know how you feel--I've had a crappy week too with a bad fibro flare, and what now feels like crashing CFS. I am leaving for vacation tomorrow and I hope a few days on the beach with a little sun will help pull me out of this. I am seeing my PCP as soon as I get back.

    You struggle not to go to 'that dark place' and yet, sometimes it happens to the best of us. I struggle with this and occasionally fall through the cracks with this myself, so you are not alone. This can a lonely, horrible journey. But fear not, you do not walk alone. We are all SO HERE to prop you up whenvever you want, however you want. WE ALL CARE SO MUCH.

    I really know how it feels to sometimes feel that nobody cares, and I think most people do care, BUT THEY JUST DON'T GET THE GRAVITY OF THIS DD. As a result, even amongst our loved ones, we often feel isolated, alone. I've done enough crying lately (re my crying post) and we need to support each other. I'm starting to perceive all of us like cops or firemen, a brotherhood/camraderie that only understands each other. So that's what we're here for--emotional support and unconditional friendship.

    I do not know what I would have done had I not found this board. We are not losing our minds--we just fiercely struggle to feel better, and that in and of itself can be merciless.

    Please post anytime you need a shoulder to lean on. We're waiting for you. I hope the sun shines for you tomorrow.

    [This Message was Edited on 04/18/2008]
  19. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    I don't know what it is about this illness but every time I feel especially exhausted or depressed, I feel as if I'll be that way forever. I forget that just as my mood fell - or my energy left - it can rise again, and that it will!

    Don't feel bad for reaching out. We have to do that sometimes to be reminded that we're really not alone. Your name says it all....


    PS. I just went to Carla's thread about her mom and there you'd been, wishing her well. Good job!!! I bet you feel better or will very soon.
    [This Message was Edited on 04/18/2008]
  20. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    Hi there Sweetie,

    Now you have plenty of friends. I am not usually on the CFS/FM alot but do go there for my questions. They are all so knowledgable and nice too. I imagine many are busy and or also just may not be feeling into answering posts at the moment. Try not to take it to personally hon.

    My you are a lovely young lady. I saw your picture in your bio. You are two years older than my eldest daughter. Lots of you young ones (like YC1 and many ohers too) unfortunatly have been stuck with this. Believe me , I know. I have had this for close to 25 years I guess. They knew so little. Yes, it is easy to get depressed when many don't even think you are sick. I know, I think even my brothers family didn't think I was sick of course we live thousands of miles away in another state so that does not help. Luckily I have somehow kept my sanity even though I am sure some docs thought i had lost it.

    God bless you Hermitlady and please do call (post)to me or any of us if you are feeling lonely. I try to check my e-mail daily but sometimes I am busy. So many here have posted already and I am so glad they did. Yes, we are fun bunch. If you want so light hearted fun or just chat, vent, share a recipe a or anything we will be here for you.

    Hope I have helped even just a little bit hon. Talk to you soon again. Feel free to check my bio by clicking on my username and everyone else who posted to you also. I am sure you know as you have your pic and bio there for us to see. Thanks for it. It helps alot.

    Hugs and blessings to you, (((Hermitlady)))