So scared! 8,(

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by georgi, Jan 27, 2012.

  1. georgi

    georgi New Member

    I know it's been a long time since ivebeen on here but I don't know where else to turn. I'm prolly just having a panic attack but I feel like I'm never gonna feel any relief and I'm so scared! It isn't an outrageous thought because after all I am 41 yrs old and I have had very few days where I haven't been in pain.most days I just try to grin and bear it. think positive and blah blah blah. but then some days it gets so bad and nothing brings me any relief and i start to get so frightened that the pain and weakness will never let up and i will go mad with the agony and simply die! or that perhaps i am actually dying and that is why i feel so awful, even tho my blood work always comes back "normal" and the drs say i seem fine.

    i try so hard to do everything "right". Work hard at trying to eat healthy, take lots and lots of supps, walking and stretching, relaxation tecniques, positive affirmations, etc. i take meds which i hate doing on account of side effects, etc. But whenever i think about the years before i had any and it was so unbearable it makes me shudder to think of my llife back then, so i keep on taking the pills, even tho i hate them. love/hate i guess... you all probably know what i mean.

    i take up to 6 norcos a day,, at least that's what im allotted, although some days [like today] i take up to 8,, which leaves me with a deficit beofre my refill is authorized. what's frustrating is when as so often happens, i don't get any relief at all. then here i am, in relentless pain, and knowing that i'll be short for the rest of the month. then, of course, w/o them i am SURE to be without relief in the coming days/weeks. that makes my present pain aggravated, and also makes me feel panicky and rather pathetic. But again, i spent 30 some years without any relief at all, and it was so horrible i cannot go back to that! I have been on 6 hydros a day for over 3 years, so i don't think i need dr phil or anything 8P But still...

    I am also taking ambien for sleep, 1800 mg gabapentin, 60 mg prozac, and 2 lyricas a day. i have been taking most of these for years and i confess i do play round with the dosages, often attempting to wean myself, and times of day i take them, etc.

    there's so much more factors involved too many to delve into mostly cos i don't have the energy right now, but mostly i am just in an acute state of anxiety/depression due to a 'flare' i guess that i can't seem to get any relief from! feels like my whole body is in a charlie horse as well as the burnig searing feeling in my skin.

    started getting pretty bad this afternoon, and here's what ive tried so far: all my meds, more meds, a shot of vodka, herbal tea,, warm bath, food,, a brisk walk, stretching, deep breathing, crying,, lying still, drinking lots of water, taking cal-mag, fish oil, arnica, acidpohilous, digestive enzymes, EVERYTHING! all this of course, over the course of several hours,, not all at once!

    anyway the last thing to try was poking my head out of my cocoon and reaching out in writing. my depression has made me isolate myself quite a bit lately, so this is kind of hard. thank you guys for listening and understanding! I am SO SORRY FOR all of our's sufferings...

    you guys,, it hurts so bad! HOW can there be nothing wrong?? That is something so hard to understand.after all these years, is there any hope????
  2. georgi

    georgi New Member

    sorry so long and sorry for all the grammatical errors. i just cannot concentate at all. i hope everything makes sense enough. thanks...
  3. luigi21

    luigi21 Member

    Hi Georgi

    Thanks for your post. I think with any long term chronic pain disorder (one of many symptoms of fibromyalgia), everyone probably lives with a low grade depression, since most of us have experienced a life quite different pre-fibro. There is something physiological wrong with us, it affects the limbic system in the brain, hippocampus (place of memories), hypothalumus (pain processing, also regulates the pituary gland, which regulates all other hormones), emotions, involuntary limb movements, they've also proved through brain imaging that our pain is very real, in comparison to 'normal' people, and that substance P, the fluid in our spinal cord, is 3x that of normal people, P standing for Pain. The problem is they don't know what causing this abnormality but then they dont know what causing parkinsons, or MS yet they still treat it and take it seriously. Stress increases symptoms because negative emotions ie anger etc work on the hypothalamus which regulatces emotions and our altonomic nervous system whicfh is switched on 24/7 in fibros, also contributing to digestive disorders, sleep deprivation, fatigue, pain, involuntary limb movements etc.
    Like you also i have changed, and decreased my meds over the years, simply because some wear out there use, and others side effects just add to the symptoms. Journalling can help with stress, even writng your life story. Heat helps, and as you know there are plenty of meds out there that might work better than your current concortion, but again its test and see.
    But your describe the up's and down's of this condition very well. Some days are better than others but none will be better than having a day where we experience no symptoms, i cannot even remember what that was like, when i took my energy for granted.

    all the best x

  4. mbofov

    mbofov Active Member

    I'm really sorry it is so rough for you right now. I don't deal with pain, "just" CFS, but do feel for you. I know all too well what it's like to be sick for a very long time, you do start to lose hope.

    Have you looked into the guaifenesen protocol? Mikie of this board got off of morphine doing it. She recommends reading a book by Dr. St. Amand called What Your Doctor May Not Tell you about Fibromyalgia. You can check out her posts on this.

    Also, you may want to check out her posts on the peptide injections which are helping her ENORMOUSLY.

    Best wishes,

  5. georgi

    georgi New Member

    For your responses. I feel a little better today... Not great by any means, but not as much desperation I guess. I will check into some of the treatments you all mentioned... It's been a long time since I've diligently looked into something new. It is often a frustrating search! But now is a good time I think. Sometimes when u get to the point where you've just had ENOUGH, that's a time to make a change. I am grateful for any input any of you have, and especially for your empathy and understanding. =^_^=
  6. georgi

    georgi New Member

    For your care and concern! I agree that I need to do something different, and I am working on it. The day I wrote was an especially bad day, and I know in my desparate attempt at relief I made some stupid choices. Looking back on it, I believe I was feeling extra terrible due to pms and I think I got into some hidden wheat/gluten. In the midst of a nasty time of it like that, it often feels like I will NEVER feel okay again, which of course, makes the pain worse.

    It is true that I am a big baby when it comes to pain, but on the other hand I am so familiar with it and think I've been thru more than my share! I used to be tougher. I gave birth at home without ANY pain relief and had 25 hours of labour! Ugh! Worth it tho :) And, until I finally had a hysterectomy two years ago, I dealt with 20 some years of brutal monthly cycles, eventually winding up with a five pound solid uterus eaten up with fibroids, endometriosis, and whatnot. (sorry if tmi guys!)

    Anyway my point being I know what real pain is, and I am tired of it. (not to mention tired!) well I am doing okay today, went out with my son this morning and been resting on couch since, just "letting" myself rest. Now husband is home and time to heat up his leftovers. Thanks again! :)

  7. kellygirl

    kellygirl Member

    I know a lot of ppl here in PA get depression during the Winter months.....are you in a Northern state?