So...THIS IS WHAT REAL DEPRESSION FEELS LIKE...WHAAA!

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Takesha, May 22, 2003.

  1. Takesha

    Takesha New Member

    Ya know I have to hand it to this FMS crap...it's the first thing in my life that has brought me to my knee's in tears! And that is quite an accomplishment. Considering...I was a victim of sexual molestation as a child and rape as an adult.
    That I grew up without my mother because she tried to kill me when I was three. My dad was an alcohoic and after remarring 4 times put me in foster care when I was 10. My husband of 13 years tried to kill me and himself and I had to sneak away in the dead of night, move to another state and start all over. I fell and became disabled in my left arm, shoulder and neck,broke my foot, was run off the interstate and totaled my car, and had to have a cardiac cath (and there was nothing wrong except a racing heart). These last 4 were over a 8 month period of time.I can understand why the doc's tried to diagnose me with depression and even bipolar. I wasn't though, it was "situational" and when I changed my situation it went away. Please keep in mind the above list is abbreviated and only demonstrates my ability to overcome the mountians that life has thrown at me. However, I have hit the wall of true depression that this DD brings. I have cried more in the last two weeks than in my whole life time (and that's alot of tears!) This week has been the worst because after waiting 20 some years for just the glimer of a chance to go
    back to school and after completing 2 years, I am having to through in the towel. I just can't handle the pain, or the frustration and confussion of trying to understand what the instructors are saying.I am mad as H### and have nothing to vent it on. I had all these plans to show life it couldn't keep me down, to get a degree and a good job I WANTED TO DO and then take care of my SO who now struggles to support me with his CFS.That is not the way it was suppose to be. I can't holler or scream, I can't be mad at God, all I can do is cry...I have lost my best friend and she was me(or what I was just a few short months ago), I have actually thought for the very first time in my entire life..."If tomorrow is like this why bother?" The "spring" in my "spring back" is finally "sprung" And my old motto " when to going get's tough, the tough get going" is no longer useful. Because the only place I am going is back to bed, or to the doctor. And I can't shut of the "chatter box" that's always telling me that I'm a whimp, I should push harder, I am a failure...I am no longer useful. I need a new program in my "brain computer". HELP!!! For those of you who have been through this I need some coping advise. I think that since this DD has only really hit me in the last 3 months (fatigue etc. I have had for over a year) it's just overwhelming me. I don't know what to address first. It's hard to have an "enemy" that fights so underhanded and has so much control......I have to hand it to FMS it's brought me to my knee's and I know what "REAL DEPRESSION" feels like and I DON'T LIKE IT, WHAAAAA!

    I came back to add this...Very rarely in my life have I ever shared my "down" times with anyone. I have always believed that "if you meet someone without a smile, give them yours". Learning to open up and share this side of with someone who is not an intimate part of my life is a new thing. It isn't easy...I thank you for being here as I learn to grow....
    [This Message was Edited on 05/22/2003]
  2. Princessraye

    Princessraye New Member

    You have suffered so much that I don't even know what to say to help you but I want you to know that I do care.
    I also want you to know that the bad things that have happened are NOT your fault. You didn't deserve all of that.

    I do know what it is like to feel there is nothing left to keep me here but somehow I find the strength to stay here another day and then some days aren't quite as bad.
    When I get in the really, really bad stages I try to remember that this too shall pass. My better day may not be a good one, but it won't be as bad as this one.

    Do you have anyone, friend or professional, near you that you can talk to ? If you don't, that would be my first suggestion. (It may take some time to find someone that you can connect with)

    You are in my prayers. Please know that someone is always here.
  3. Madelyn

    Madelyn New Member

    I have been through depression several times, usually not situational. My life was great at the time. Then there was the depression as a result of CFS. That was the deepest pit I've ever been in. I'm sorry you are experiencing this!
    You must get someone to talk to. It helps just to let it out to someone understanding. It always made me feel better, at least temporarily.
    Now I see my son and daughter going through the same thing. This is what I tell them from my own experience. Depression is a liar! Don't listen to your mind telling you that there's no point, this will never get better, there's no hope, or that everything's terrible. It's not true. Try to think objectively for awhile and look around you: is it REALLY true that it's hopeless? Probably not; there are probably alot of good things in your life. You're just not able to enjoy them right now.
    I saw an interview with John Nash, the schizophrenic man who was the subject of "A Beautiful Mind". Something he said struck me as being applicable to depression. He said that he still heard the voices, but one day he realized that he didn't have to listen to them, or do what they said.
    Don't listen to the depression. It's lying to you. And you will pass through and come out on the other side.
    Madelyn