Someone To Talk To

Discussion in 'General Health & Wellness' started by janice50, Jan 10, 2009.

  1. janice50

    janice50 New Member

    My mom has alzheimers, and my dad died 1 1/2 years ago. I quit my job to stay at home and take care of her, I did not want to put her in a home if i didn't have to, so i am here 24 hours a day 7 days a week without a break. I have relatives, 2 sisters and their families on each side of us, but it is all i can do to get them to come visit our mom much less help out, i feel like some times i am going crazy, i don't know why they don't want to help but it sure would be welcome, the grandchildren hasn't came to visit since my dad died, i think it is a crying shame they would treat their grandmother like that. They all live their lives around us, they are always going somewhere having a good time while my mom and i sit at home, I can't take her out much because she can't controll her bowels, so it is easier to stay home near the bathroom, i just need a friend to talk to, someone who understands what i am going through, please someone talk to me.
  2. tjo

    tjo Member

    Sorry to hear about your situation. Do you have FM? My mom also has alzheimer's, but she is 1,000 miles away from where I live. I have gone back to visit her twice last year. I truly wish I could be there to help her everyday, but I know it can be nerve wracking. It's a shame about the rest of the family, but you can't control what they do, only yourself. Try to take time out for yourself to rest and enjoy something as simple as a short walk or read a funny book to lift your spirits. My mom is in a special hospital. She was in hospice for awhile, then they took her back out. She has lived a whole extra yr. from when they predicted she would pass away. She only has one valve working to her heart. She is so frail and weights around 90 lbs. Maybe your family just doesn't know how to react or deal with the situation, but out of love I think they should learn more about her condition and how to handle someone with alzheimer's. Hope this helps. I'm new on this board. Jo
  3. janice50

    janice50 New Member

    Thank you so much tjo for responding, it terrible your mom lives so far away and you can't visit like you would like to, i think it is a blessing i get to spend so much time with my mom, my husband died in the year 2003 he had liver problems, so i moved in with my mom and dad to help my dad with my mom and then my dad passed away and now it is just me and mom and my boyfriend, he moved in with us to help out all he could, but i thank God every day for giving me the chance to stay with both parents for a couple of years and helping them all i could, My mom is in the last stages of alzheimers(by what i read) and i would not miss being with her for all the money in the world. I do try to read in my spare time, there isn't much of it though, mom is a full time job, i have tried reading to her, i put her to sleep with my reading, lol, there is no way i could take a walk, i can't get out of her sight for more than a minute, but other than my nerves going to shambles i would not trade being here for anything. But anyway thank you for talking with me, i really nneded a friend who i can tell my feelings to.
    [This Message was Edited on 01/11/2009]
  4. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the board.

    Sorry to hear about the family situation. Seems pretty common that one child takes care of a
    parent and the rest of the kids ignore the situation.

    You might want to visit the chit chat board and discuss more cheerful topics like pets, TV, books,

  5. janice50

    janice50 New Member

    Hi rockgor, thank you for the advice, that sounds like a good idea, at least i might get my mind off things around here, i really need some kind of release, i get out of the house by myself maybe once every 2 or 3 months, unless i go to the grocery store and then i am running 90 miles an hour to get back home, it cost so much to get someone to watch her for me to go to the store, sometimes 1 of my sisters will let her come to their house long enough for me to go to the store but i have to hurry back so they can do whatever it is they have planned for the day. Anyway i don't mind staying here with her, i just need someone to talk to that understands what is happening to her, my mom cannot carry on a conversation any more so i get lonesome sitting here all day until my boyfriend gets home from work, but then it is time to cook and get my mom ready for bed and take a bath and by that time it is time to go to bed and start all over the next day. I am happy VERY happy to have found this forum to talk to some people that may understand or is going through the same thing i am.
  6. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    What a loving daughter. I totally understand the love you have for your Mom.
    YOU absolutely need a break. You will be no good to your Mom unless you take care of yourself. Does your Mom have medicare/medicaid - does anything cover in home care at all? Have you checked out all of your resources? Even if it's for a couple of hours a week to start. No one, no matter the amount of love you have, can care for someone else 24/7.

    Do you have any girlfriends around you? Any chance to meet any? It would be nice to have someone to come over and visit you during the day once in a while.

    What about support groups in your area? There have got to be others near you who are experiencing the same thing. I would reach out as far as I could. You are probably feeling like you can handle it all - but in reality, no one can.

    Have you checked out the Alzheimer's board here?

    I have a friend and his wife who take care of his Mom. It IS a very hard full time job. They at least have each other and take turns but still it is so difficult. They even get a break one weekend a month (brother takes Mom)

    Please find time to do something for YOU!
  7. CSusie

    CSusie New Member

    I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad, and your Mom's struggle with Alzheimers. You are carrying a big load, but I want you to know that what you are doing for your Mother is wonderful ~ you will never regret it. I helped take care of both my Mom and Dad while they were suffering, and I wouldn't have wanted to do it any other way. I sure wish your sisters would help you out. I'm sure you are exhausted, and that you miss talking with the outside world.

    One suggestion I have is to join the chat room off and on - you will find many caring people in there. We go from crying with one another to laughing over silliness (which we all need in our lives).

    Many hugs to you!
  8. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    There are many support groups that meet at the Senior Center near me, and one for caregivers of Alzheimers/Dementia patients is one of them. If you could just work out to attend a support group you would probably be able to obtain so much info like agencies to help you to get people to fill in so you can have a day off, and it's very important to care about you so you don't burn out. Call around and find out and talk to the leader of your local caregivers support group. It could probably be a wealth of info to help you in many ways. Many hugs.
  9. janice50

    janice50 New Member

    I want to thank all of you who responded to my post, it is getting more and more difficult to handle my mom, since i last posted she has went down hill so fast, I don't know how much longer i can handle her, she has gotten where she can't hardly walk anymore, and i can not pick her up, i called my sister this morning and told her i was thinking about putting her in the nursing home close to home so i can still go there and make sure she is eating right. I will go everyday to feed her myself to make sure she eats. I hate it with all i have, i just can't go any futher, i am on my last road and i feel like at the end of my road is a steep cliff, i can't go any more. It is killing me, but she might be better off, at least there will be doctors there and nurses to watch over her. I don't trust nursing homes, my grandmother was in this same one and i would go there and feed her once a week to give my mom a break, my mom was there every day to feed her mom, and we saw so many that starved to death because they didn't have enough people there to take care of all of the patients, so we would try to feed at least 5 other people while we were there feeding my grandmother, it is a terrible thing to watch someone wither away, I don't know know what else to do, i want to thank everyone for their support and trying to help me with this, it is glorious to have friends like all of you, may God bless each and everyone of you.
  10. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    I want to thank you so much for caring and for what you are doing for your grandmother. I dug up some quick things for you. First is a government site with info for caretakers. The other is questions to ask when at nursing homes--some nursing homes have a insurance handlers who help with processing insurance.

    Below is the government site with tons of info for caregivers:

    Here are a sample of questions to ask when at nursing homes:

    Do they automatically put residents in diapers when they begin their stay? They should encourage as much independence as possible.

    Do they make sure the residents get their faces wash and teeth brushed?

    Do they have a dr. on call for when residents become ill or injured? Sometimes nursings homes need to be encouraged to actually treat residents by dr. after hours.

    Do the scheduled activities to do and what are they?

    What is the procedure in a fire?
  11. janice50

    janice50 New Member

    Thank you for the web sites, i will look into them for sure. I called the nursing home today and they will not take my mom unless she has medicaid, then when she dies the state will take her home and all her land even though the house was given to me 2 years ago and the land is to be divided between me and my 2 sisters at the time of her death, then the state will sell me the house and land back, something i am not willing to do, i do not want to pay for my childhood home when it is mine to begin with so i have decided to keep my mom at home and do the best i can for her and make her last years (i hope) good ones, i need all the prayers i can get, i pray every night for the good lord to stand beside me and guide me through this. I think it is a crying shame the state will do this to the elderly, and grieving families
  12. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    Remember that when your Grandmother expressed her intention to give the home to you two years ago, she should have followed the legal procedures right then to deed the house to you, then it would be legally yours right now. As it stands now, it is not legally yours. I am not an attorney, I have worked in law offices and too many people do not follow the legal procedures when it comes to property and then find they do not have ownership down the line. Also remember that liens can be placed on her property should she have costly surgery or care that you are unable to pay for. So unless your Grandmother has a Power of Attorney in place that gives someone else the right to act in her stead, it's time to go to an attorney to seek Guardianship of your Grandmother and to handle her affairs and medical care. Otherwise she can call the police and say you are kidnapping her and she can leave to go wherever she wants with someone else. She can then draw up new papers to leave everything to someone else.

    Looking at the nursing home and assets from the state's view--your Grandmother has considerable assets and as long as she has assets, the state views it as those assets should pay for her care in a nursing home as opposed to making taxpayers pay her nursing home bill-- instead of leaving those considerable assets to her children. It is a common practice and is not unusual and really not unfair.

    Some elderly arrange for transfer of property from parents to children when parents reach a certain age to avoid this exact situation--but they have to have a very trustworthy person to transfer the property to or they can sell it right out from underneath the elderly.

    Good luck and you have a lot ahead.
  13. janice50

    janice50 New Member

    Thank you TwoCatDoctors, but it is my mom not my grandmother, and we (my dad and 2 sisters) had made an appointment with a lawyer on a Tuesday to put everything in my name, and as it worked out regrettablely my dad died on the Sunday before we went to the lawyers office, we buried him on that Tuesday, my mom was not in her right mind so the lawyer would not touch the will to change it, she said we would be better off leaving it the way it was and just get our inheritence when mom died. I have power of attorney over my mom, i did that when my dad died, all i know now is i am in a fix when it comes to getting help, no one will help unless we give up the land and house that has been in our family for many many years. I will never do that, my mom can stay here the rest of her life, apparently the good lord wants me to take care of her, if he didn't i don't think things would be so hard to obtain. I will accept my situation and make the best out of it, and do the best i can without help from anyone.
  14. janice50

    janice50 New Member

    Also i was told that medicaid goes back 5 years, if the home and land was not in my name for 5 years they could still take it, so even if my dad had given it to me 2 years ago it still would not have been good enough, the state would still take it, how fair is that?
  15. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about the financial-legal situation. Doesn't seem fair at all, does it.

    This is not one of the most active boards. If you are looking for people to chat with,
    you might find more responses on the Depression and Chit-chat boards.

    It's starting to get dark here in California. Time for me to go feed the feral cats.

  16. janice50

    janice50 New Member

    Thank you rockgor i will do that, i am new to this and when i found this forum i got excited i finially found someone to talk to, but since then i have seen the alzheimers board and i will move on to it, thanks to everyone that talked to me, i will never forget the kindness you have shown toward me, thank you all again