Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Butterfly_of_grace, Dec 15, 2006.

  1. Butterfly_of_grace

    Butterfly_of_grace New Member

    My youngets evidentally has severe test bad that the teacher (4th grade) she has is so concerned that she called me today frantic that my daughter did poorly on a test and wanted to know if it was ok to tell her she lost it and have her re-do the test orally with her. I said absolutely...sure enough her oral test was mistakes what so ever. I dont know where to turn or what to do but she has such severe anxiety. I was on the insurance web site trying to find a Psychologist for her becuase she is really going thru a tremendous amount of anxiety which seems to be getting wors eand worse. To the point where so wont have a pay date wiht anyone and she now refuses to go to her fathers house on his visitation weekends. She also wont leave my side. Its gotten really bad. Its affecting her in school too....THANK GOD she has an awesome dedicated loving and understanding teacher who is also so concerned about her.Im so worried about her. Any suggestions other than her needing a therapist? Her poor confidence is in the toilet and I cried all the way home from work today after her teacher told me. The teacher said she would tell her that she lost her test today and she would have to retake it with her. She did that so she could "experiment" with her to see if this truly is test anxiety...sure enough, she knew eveyrthing perfectly that was on the test no problem. This isnt the only test she has "bombed" out on. Its been happening alot. Then when the teacher goes one on one with her she ends up getting A's.
    Any help would be greatly apperciated. Thanks! Please say a prayer for her too. I feel like a horrible Mother not being able to protect her from feeling this anxiety. My comforting,reassuring and hard work with her evidentally isnt enough. I am so heart broken for her. Id love some advice.
  2. dononagin

    dononagin New Member

    Thank God she has a teacher smart enough to recognize what is going on! What does the teacher suggest?
    My daughter is horrible on tests too. She had to take her driving test 3 times even though she knew the answers by heart. She would just freeze up. I would really be interested in what the teacher suggests or even check on the availablilty of the school counselor. Good luck and prayers for you baby..
  3. kirschbaum26

    kirschbaum26 New Member

    Dear Butterfly of grace:

    I read your post because it sounded so familiar to me. My daughter's father has 2 older children (both girls aged 14 and 12). They used to live close by us, and now live with their mother and step father in the Seattle area.

    The youngest went through a very difficult period that included lots of separation anxiety and behavioral issues that caused me to fear for my own safety, and later the safety of my child. While this happened when she was about aged 4 to about aged 7 or 8, I do not think that she has really outgrown all of it.

    We once took the girls to Florida to visit their grandparents and the youngest one said she wanted to find a knife and kill me. Let me tell you, I did not want to find out if she was serious. I forced her father to wash her mouth out with soap and I do not really think that I ever slept well again. I also saw her once nearly throw her mother across the room...and that was when she was 7.

    I do not mean to talk about such big proglems...but a therapist is key. She needs to have someone who she can talk to who will not judge her in anyway. I went through the test anxiety as well, and I was also fortunate to have a teacher who understood, so she would give me a pre-test, and then I would take the regular test, and whichever one I did better on, would be my grade. Helped me a great deal.

    There is a big backlash about medicating younger children. There are other risks of suicide and other not normal behaviors, and many if not all the anti anxiety and anti-depression meds warn about giving them to children under the age of 18.

    One more thing, that you might need to investigate. Why does your daughter not want to see her father. Is it simply because she does not want to be away from you? Or is it that she does not want to be with him? All these issues can sometimes be worked out through therapy, either individual or family.

    I am guessing that your love and concern are great comforts for her, but she needs a bit more than you are qualified to give (not as a mother, but as a licensed therapist).

    Good luck to you.

    And yes, I agree, talk to the teacher, and find out if there are any programs at her school. She may find them more tolerable, if she is in a place that she knows already.


    [This Message was Edited on 12/15/2006]
  4. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    Is your daughter getting any kind of counseling?

    Did this "test anxiety" begin over a short period of time?

    Have you had your daughter tested for dyslexia?

    Have you had any special testing done on your daughter?

    There could be so many causes for what you are describing.

    Would she tell you if someone had touched her inappropriately???

    Something is going on here. Something is really stressing out this poor child.

    Is she being teased unmercifully in school?

    Have you had her vision checked to see if she needs glasses?

    My suggestion is to have a battery of tests run on your little girl to see if she has a learning disability. If this comes out no, then she needs some counseling. I'm glad that you are being proactive.

    You stand a much better chance of helping your little one compensate (if there is a learning disability) by addressing the issue so quickly.

    Maybe you should have a conference with the teacher to get more information. Ask this wonderful teacher about the possibility of testing for a learning disability. Maybe it can be set up through the school system. Would your private insurance pay for it???

    I think you will feel somewhat better when you know the cause. At least you will know what direction to go then-----
  5. SweetT

    SweetT New Member

    My oldest daughter, who's now 14 and a Freshman in high school, went through the same thing which started around 4th grade and in many ways never stopped. She does wear glasses and I don't think she has dyslexia but she may have Dyscalculia (Math dyslexia). She has severe Math anxiety. My oldest daughter could be in Honors classes like her baby sister except for she has severe test anxiety and bombs on tests. She has never tested high enough on standardized tests to get into Honors classes. She even fails IQ tests. I don't know if that means she's mildly retarded and still Managing to be an Honor Roll student (when she applies herself) somehow or what.

    She was briefly on an IEP in 6th grade, but that didn't work. She doesn't need LD classes or Speech Therapy. She needs enrichment, remedial help, and confidence boosters. She ended 6th grade with all A's and that was after I took her off of the IEP.

    What do we do now? Right now, her main struggle is Math. When I quiz her at home, she seems to know the principles, but she fails tests horribly. So she gets extra help, by going to another period that her Math class is held (after she nearly failed Math the first marking period). She got her first C on a Math quiz a couple of weeks ago. That was a big accomplishment for her.

    One day, when I can coordinate insurance or decide to pay about $700, she'll need to take a battery of tests over a period of time to see what her real IQ is and if she does have a learning disability.

    Most of all, don't let any teacher treat your daughter as if she'll never amount to much. Lots of successful and rich people have overcome severe anxiety and learning disabilities. If I would've listened to some of my daughter's teachers over the years, she would've been in a group home by now. Or in the juvenile court system because she would've probably committed a crime to escape the boredom of LD classes.
  6. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    Although getting your daughter a therapist sounds like a good idea, I'd want to know WHY she's having so much anxiety.

    Why doesn't she want to go to her Father's house?

    Why won't she leave your side?

    Why is her confidence in the toilet?

    She's trying to tell you something...but may not have the ability to do so.

    Please, please don't ignore's not so much the behaviors that are troublesome, but the REASON for the behaviors that worries me.

    Even if she's bullied at school, that wouldn't explain why she doesn't want to go to her Father's for visitations.

    Please find out what's going on here, I can't stress it enough.

    (This part is added to the post)....

    I'm not sure if you know about my daughter or her problems but she was abused in an afterschool program in kindergarten. Although we knew about it, (she was the only child who told on the teacher) we didn't get her help (too many years ago) and we just tried to help her with it on our own.

    Long story short, she's now mentally disabled, living with us and we're watching her go downhill each and every day.

    If someone's messing with this precious child, it changes everything! For my daughter, she doesn't feel as if she has the elemental right to be on this earth, and now appears as if she's schizophrenic and probably is.

    Just know that whatever is going on may not have happened in the last few months, it may have happened a year ago, or 3 years ago when she didn't have the vocabulary to tell you what happened.

    There are an alarming number of children abused and we need to be there for them. How I wish I could go back to that time and help my daughter in a different way, but I can't.

    I don't mean to be an alarmist, I don't mean to make you worry, nor do I mean to imply that something horrible has happened, but I do want to make you look at the situation and do everything you can for your precious daughter.


    Nancy B
    [This Message was Edited on 12/15/2006]
  7. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    I use to have the same problem as a child.I would freeze if I took a test .I still freeze if I feel like I'm being tested .I almost feel like I am in a trans or a peti mal seizure. I feel like I am in a tunnel .even my eye site changes.
    When I was a child I'd cry when I would have to stand up in class to do anything in front of people.It was and is a hard thing to deal with.

    I might suggest that you do things like Baking with her.Let her read the recipe aloud to you and together go over it again .This might Build her confidence with speacking out loud. Also it sounds silly but standing when she bakes will help her feel confident and more comfortable when standing in class.
    Just my thoughts. Now I realize I must have had so much anxiety as a child.I turned it into shyness.
    Good luck to you and your daughter

    Also I had really bad memory problems as a child I could never remember how to spell words .Now I think there is damage to part of my brain or something.I just could not remember things I would read.Kinda like our fibo fog .[This Message was Edited on 12/15/2006]
  8. karinaxx

    karinaxx New Member

    i know exactly what your talking about, i went through this with my son for years and before i new that he had ME/CFIDS too, thought it is a psychological problem and worked with a psachologist and it did not help. the anxiety was so extreem in the beginning, that even leaving out of site, triggered sever anxiety.

    the best advice i ever got was from a friend, be patient, dont force it.
    than i found the trick with a phone,,,,, that was the biggest help.
    it is long story and there is not just one reason for this. it would take very long here to put all my experience and what i learned about it written down here.
    i would be carefull to apraoch psychologist for it. i learned that there is most probably an underlying biological factor for it (CHECK CORTISOL LEVELS), combined with the pschological aspect of not understanding what is happening to her.

    if you daughter has ME/CFIDS than it is clear why she gets anxiety. i can give you more info on that later. if you have any of this illnesses and your daughter has been not showing untill now any signs of it, than it is time to consider she might have it and you should read up on it and get a specialist like Dr.Bell look at her.

    let me know if you want to know more.

    one more thing!!!dont fall in this trap of psycho crap and think your doing something wrong.
    google under anxiety attack in kids and read up for yourself. dont believe anyone and listen to what you see and know. AND LSITEN TO HER!!!!!!
    take care and let me know if you want more info from me.
    i am usually not much on the chit chat baord, but on the cfs baord.
    i just checked under you profile, you have cfids. than even more than before i think you should look at the that she might have it too. it is not unusual for kids to be labeled school phobic or miss diagnosed with anxiety disorders, before it was known that they have cfids!!
    this has a lot to do with kids not having so much fatigue, but much more neurological problems and not beeing able to comunicate their problems mainly because they just dont understand what is happeing to them.

    i will check again here and see if you want more info

    [This Message was Edited on 12/16/2006]
  9. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    First of all, tests suck for anyone who has the slightest bit of anxiety. No doubt about it. Bless this teacher!

    I'm not sure how much impact you can have with your daughter but you already know that counselling, maybe for both of you, would be a good idea. In the meantime, I'd make sure I wasn't coming down too hard on her and expecting perfection. It's so difficult; we want the best for our kids but we don't always know how to help them get it.

    By the way, I read your profile and see that she has fairly recent siblings. Is she now in competition with a step brother or sister by any chance? A child will fill the space that another child hasn't already filled....

    I also love the old saying about children (and everyone!): Find them doing something right [and concentrate on that].

    Let us know how this gets turned around. We'd all benefit!

  10. Butterfly_of_grace

    Butterfly_of_grace New Member

    I know there are unlying issues for my daughters anxiety...

    When exhubby and I first seperated he ended up living with a real wacko woman who use to verbally abuse my daughter during her visitations with her dad and make her feel unsafe and unloved.

    She use to tell my daughter (both of themoldest too) that my youngest looked like me and she couldnt stand that....she use to threaten my daughter that she was going to throw her out the window or out the door when she wouldnt listen and tell her to shut up when she cried for mamma.

    She also convinced my ex that since his family still had contact with me that he was not allowed to bring the kids to see their grandparents because they still talked to me (we are all still very close to this day).

    Theres so much that I could write a book about it. She was a WACKO!!!!I tried talking to him about what she was coming home and crying to me about and telling me, his oldest daughter tried talking to him and the youngets use to try to tell him and he didnt believe ANYONE.

    He thought I was being the "jealopus exwife" (which Im the one who kicked him out because of his crap over the years so believe me, I was HAPPY someone else was delaing with him...jealousy has never been an issue I was very happy to move on with life).He never ever protected her.

    He wouldnt believe her until three yrs later and it was too late, damage done. To this day he has no patients with ehr and doesnt want to give her time to heal and help build her trust back in him.

    Hence her apprehention as to why she wont go with him. I stopped the visitation until he kicked her to the curb. They finally broke up and he FINALLY realized he screwed up with his youngest, but again, he expects things to fix themselves over night when the damage runs deep wioth her and she needs time.

    But since he failed to protect her she doesnt trust the safety being with ehr dad with his new girlfriends (and YES more then ONE girlfriend...hes an a** for exposing the girls to that). Another issue is that when my new hubby and I got remarried he had a Grand Mal Siezure and was in Hospital after only 6 months of us being a family.

    Then a yr later he had another one in front of the children in the front devistated ALL the kids. Two summers ago they flew to Florida (the 4 kids) to be with their nana and poppy while I had surgery on my stomach (to stop severe GERD I had). They were there for two weeks.

    She missed me ALOT and wanted to come home. But Thank heavens they were there. I ended up with severe complications and was in Hospital for 8 days and looked like detah warn over. That whoel summer I was very ill and couldnt leave the house...all form my sotmach surgery.

    By the end of the summer I had severe Kidney stone attack and ended up back in the Hospital, once again, causing her to feel anxeity...once again, I had complications from THAT surgery (Doc screwed up big time and shot a hole in my ureter causing me to leak urine thru out my abdominal cavity)

    so back in the hospital I went causing once again her anxiety. Shes been thru alot in her little life. All of which started when she was almost 4 yrs old with the seperation from my exhubby.

    He has also caused alot of grief by saying bad things to her about her mom (shes a mommas girl). My hubby and I do everything adn anything to prevent any bad feelings that the girls may feel...

    we have an open door policy with their father and he can see them any time he wants (he lives in town) we are both close to our ex-inlaws and make all four kids feel warmth and love and comfort even though they all have been thru hell in their little lives. People think we are an unusual fmaily because we are making it work....

    I dont think we are unusual, I think we are BLESSED. As far as step-siblings, we are very blessed that they are always there for each other and its a loving and healthy environment.

    Her step-brother and her for the most part are attached at the hip. he is classified and has an IEP program at school and learning issues. I often wonder that may be whats gpoing on with her although the teacher said "she doesnt fit the pattern of a learning disabled child that it seems more like anxiety".

    Who my opinion, I leave it up to a therapist to make the decision. I think theres something underlying as far as a learning problem that we are all over looking.

    This is because I use to be a teachers aide and worked with childrne like this and also from having a step-son with learning disbilities and ADHD.

    Hes an awesome kid, no behavioral issues whatsoever. He too suffers from anxiety from what he went thru with his drug-addicted mom. His father got custody of him and his sister when he was only 6 months old.

    He suffers from severe seperation anxiety and abandonment issues. We hugs and kiss alot in our house and we make sure we always do things as a FAMILY and as a whole. Its important for these kids not to feel an ounce of rejection.

    Another issue soemone asked me about was bullying...YES YES YES for 3 yrs of her little life of 4 yrs in school, she was bullied over and over and over again.

    Shes quiet and tiny and sort of an introvert. She wears glasses full time now and has huge buck teeth and a messed up little mouth which is currently being taken care of with the orthodontist. She is a pretty girls and she constantly asked me "mommy do you think Im pretty?".

    Understand that her father is repeating a horrible disfunctional behavior his parents did...and thats favortism of the oldest over the youngest. My exhubby does not treat the girls the same.

    My oldest daughter will always be daddys little girl and even with his parents they do the same with the oldest....hence her feeling inadequate and "not good enough" for her dad; he is stupid and ignorant and doesnt realize that she is old enough to see, hear and feel the favortism; hence why she wants to be with me.

    I dont treat ANY of the kdis with favortism in our house. Its a rule hubby and I both sgreed upon before we got married. Her odlest sister is a confident go-getter who is very out going, never afraid to try anything and an honor student.

    My youngest is afraid of her own shadow, afraid to try new things and to explore her talents and afraid to try in school. She has ziltch as far as confidence. Its heart breaking. Doesnt matter how I try to make her never helps. far as the therapist>>>YES YES YES YES I agree. This needs to be nipped in the bud before too late, before she continues missing out on the wonderful things in a kids life that she will regret when she is older and for her success in ANYTHING in life.

    My sister in law is a therapist and gave me some naems of people to call that she is very confident in. She also has dislexia and works at the high school as the School Psychologist for the leanring disbaled high school students. She knows first hand about all this. THANK GOD I can call ehr for advice.

    She feels Kayla has severe Aniety Disorder and as much as I am very anti-medication with children, she said she may needs something short term to get her over this hump...this may be a Physiological problem along with the psychological problem.

    She may not be able to help ehrself right now if its a chemical imbalance. It broke my heart thinking about it....anyway, as for tomorrow Im making a slew of phone calls. I need to help her get better.

    Now heres a confession.....I too suffer from anxiety. I know when its sneaking up on me I know when Im about to freak out and some days its an aweful task to over come it.

    I get overwhelmed easily and my heart pounds, I break out in a sweat and I cant breath. I have had problems of anxiety attacks in the middle of the night esp during my divorce but not so much any more since I married my hubby and hes been such a support system for me (we are for each other).

    But when he began his seizure disorder I noticed they were sneaking back here and there. I KNOW FOR A FATC my mom gets wacky and anxious....henvce the hereditary issues. My little girl seems to have inherited the anxiety issue.

    I feel like a "bad mom" in some sort of way even though its not a preventable thing .....Im embarrassed to admit it but I am, I need to for the best interest of my 9 yr old. I want her to have a better life then I did growing up as a teen and an adult who has always suffered from anxiety.

    It robs your world of everything and anything. I sat with ehr today and epxlained a few things to her. She is agreeing to get help now (thank god) only if its a woman she said which is fine.

    My sister in laws referrals are women therapists. AS of today I explained to her that I want her to put an imaginary bubble around herself adn ONLY LIVE IN TODAY...not tomorrow not next week or next month...that this imaginary bubble will only allow her mind to keep her in today only. And every time she gets that "funny feeling" we talked about and the belly aches and headaches that she takes a deep breath and thinks of soemthing that makes her so happy (right now she said xmas LOL).

    Shes going to try it. And I will remind her every day. On wednesday she has a social studies test and she has a math test tomorrow. Shes already working herself up...thast why I discussed the Bubble thing. It actually calmed her a little bit already.

    Thansk for all your advice and care everyone. Im scared for her...Im mad because I dont want my kids to be like ME. Depression and anxiety stole alot from me over the years....

    I had a tough childhood (father was abusive...parents were bitter and abusive to each other, my mom was an alcoholic when I was a was truly a nightmare).

    I work eveyr day blood sweat and tears to make sure our kids are safe and healthy. Its hard...they all have been thru so much. Im very protective over all four of them.

    We dont even keep alcohol in the house or allow people to drink her because of the situation of drugs and alcohol that my step-kids were exposed to with their biological mother.

    HUGS thansk again! I will definately keep in touch about her.
    Say a prayer please? thanks!
    [This Message was Edited on 12/17/2006]
    [This Message was Edited on 12/17/2006]
  11. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    I really want to read this update but I can't handle not having paragraphs to split up the lines. Could you go in and hit Enter (twice) every now and then?

    Thanks so much. I did get as far as your ex's girlfriend and am appalled! Throw her out the window? Where was this child's father at the time??

    [This Message was Edited on 12/17/2006]
  12. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    You are doing a wonderful job, you are NOT a bad mother and wow, your daughter's lucky to have you in her corner.

    Know how I can tell? Cause you're adament about things you believe in.

    I love your bubble idea, it's wonderful...let's just get through today and not worry about the next day or the next.

    I really think you have a good handle on things, I really do. I'm sorry about your hubby, how frightening that must have been for you all.

    And're not a bad mother because you suffer from anxiety. Nothing could be further from the truth.

    The love you have for you kids shines through.....


    Nancy B
  13. Butterfly_of_grace

    Butterfly_of_grace New Member

    Thanks so much everyone!
    I appreciate all your advice.
    Ill deinately follow up wiht everyone. I think we are going to push the town to test her to make sure theres no unlying learning disabilities that have been overlooked. Something in my gutt keep knawing at me that there is hence her frustrations, low self esteem and self confidence and the anxiety. Oddly enough this didnt get this bad until the school yr started. I wrote a note to teacher yesterday about having a meeting with her and the principal. I havent heard back. I think she porbly wont contact me until after the Holiday.

    Oh and the "BUBBLE" thing is working so far. She tells me that its a rainbow bubble and it makes her feel happy.
    HUGS and thanks again!
  14. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    Hi. IF you should decide to try any herbal or over-the-counter remedy, please do it at a VERY low dose and on the weekend.

    My son was ADD and responded just the opposite to the "normal response" to several medications and normal foods. Eg. He would slow down on coffee. Caffeine (spelling???) would make his drowsy. Cough medications that were supposed to make a child drowsy would make my son bounce off of the walls. Etc.
  15. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    Hi Butterfly,

    I cannot believe all that has happened to your family (by your x's woman)to your little girl. No wonder she is having so many problems. That type of behavior surely effects everyone in one way or another.

    Please do keep us all informed about her. Yes, and do go slowly but therapy sounds like a good thing to me. I also had test anxiety when I was a chile bt not as badly as she does. There can be a variety of reasons for her behavior and anxiety and this board has touched on many of them just as you have with your x's x girlfriend or whatever you want to call her. She surely was crazy and wild person to say such things to your daughter and round the others too. She was a real nut case.

    There was alot of good advise given here on this thread. Yes, do go slowly and watch what you give her and ask the doc because as others have said, like Wake said, I believe that many times medications or substances that are seemingly harmless can cause problems in children. I know and have heard about over the counter meds and such can react the opposite of what they were made to be used for. I used to be an nurse and also have 5 children, 8 grandchildren and did years of home child care years ago.
    So be careful with what you try on your child even if it seem like a harmless product, like the teas. Your daughter is also so very sensitive and could have allergies or be extremely sensitive to other things too.

    God bless you ! Sounds to me like you are being a wonderful mother who has been through alot of terrible things in your life, and your daughter too.

    Take care and please do keep us informed as to how your daughter is doing in this situation. There could be lots of reasons for her problems, and they may all be intermingling. JUst keep doing what you are doing with lots of lots and patience and love to give her confidence. That thereapy you are trying to line up sounds like a good thing to me and should only at least start to help her and help you all understand her true feelings.

    Love and warm hugs,

    That Granni (Marilyn)
  16. tobelct

    tobelct Guest

    My children belong to a childrens equestrian group.
    Last year I was invited to help with Healing Partners.

    This was kind of like therapy with a horse.

    I watched as several kids with several disfuntions, would wake up and come alive, relax and become part of something.

    This program does not require riding.

    It teaches kids, communication, relaxation techniques, builds there moral and enriches there life.

    It also makes them feel special.

    You might look into this.

    IM sure they have healing partners with other animals as well.

    But Ive never met a girl who didn't want to spend time with a horse.

  17. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    I am so sorry that you are going through all of is so stressful when we can't figure out what to do for our babies!!!

    I didn't read through all of the posts here b;ut I wanted to tell you about someone I know....her son was always the anxious type and suffered with separation anxiety...

    kindergarten brought it to a head because he would be so stressed about being left at was so sad to see this little guy be so worried...

    they brought him to a therapist and they do medicate him...i forget with is an antidepressant...He is in 2nd grade now and doing much better...the thing she thought helped alot was the stratagies that the therapist and her son came up with together....a plan to get through these gave him a sense of control over was one thing that helped...the meds are helping too....

    i also think that you need to look deeper to figure out if something triggered this odd friends son was always like is odd that you daughter is developing these problems at this time....something is not right...someone is messing with her...taking away her sense of control...a kid, an adult, who knows but I would ask her lots and lots of questions...and try to help her plan for her worries...get a isn't a bad thing...and try not to change so much from year to sound like you are on the right track and are a concerned, caring will figure this out! take care! Pink