son is on streets/no word

Discussion in 'Spirituality/Worship' started by sweetpeas, Oct 27, 2004.

  1. sweetpeas

    sweetpeas New Member

    Just a note to keep you wonderful folks updated. My son came back home briefly (I didn't let him in.) two days ago. He was hungry and cold. (It rained horrifically the next day and night.) Told him I didn't have much to offer as the preceding day I talked to him on the phone for several hours and hadn't gone shopping. The sandwich I offered to make him he scorned. I put the "sandwich fixings" in a bag with some carrots and said I'd buy him some protein drink which he wanted and would put out a clean sleeping bag. He threw the bag of food in the bushes, said he didn't want to stay here (even in backyard), and said we needed to talk about his getting his "stuff" out of his room (problem: if he's on the streets, where do I forward the "stuff"?). He wanted juice with lots of ice (which made no sense--it was freezing outside) which I gave him. The day before he was willing to take a New Testament with him and read it. However, that day he said he wouldn't take it and furthermore wouldn't have anything to do with Christian rehabs or Christian anything. He then layered on jeans, but I handed him a brand new pair of thermal underwear (still in package) I bought last year (I also bought him all new clothes last year, but you oughta' see the awful shape they're in.), but he threw that back at me. I gave him the matches for which he asked, and I gave him a sterno burner and charcoal sticks/pocket warmer for good measure. I explained to him I couldn't have him inside because the last time he was here, he broke into my bathroom and stole some meds (for the umpteenth time--not breaking in, but the stealing part) and left some drug paraphenalia behind in plain sight (Was he so out of it he forgot, or did he leave it out on purpose....?). Told him I couldn't allow him to live under the same roof because the same thing would keep happening: breaking my rules, breaking the law, and disrespecting me. My conditions were/are that he needs to get help, preferably Christian rehab, but ANY rehab would be better than nothing! Well, nothing doing in his book. He intimated that he might sever ties with me and insulted me. I closed the door, and he disappeared soon thereafter.

    Have I totally screwed this up by doing tough love with a dual dx (depression and addiction) young adult? What if what I'm doing caused him to go over the edge? I couldn't live with that. And yet....I was going slightly (understatement, perhaps?) crazy living with his addiction problems.

    My heart is broken after spending all these years raising him by myself and to have him be so hateful towards me and especially towards God. He is making all the wrong decisions and has done a 180 in his relationship with the Lord over the past several years.

    His friends essentially booted him out which could be a recipe for his going into deeper depression. He alluded to "looking up his dad" to see how he's doing. I may be petty here, but his dad lives thousands of miles away and stopped contacting our son. "Dad" started a new family when my son was a teenager. It was at that point my son started using drugs. I must admit I'd be resentful if the absentee father for all these years ends up looking like the good guy to my drug-influenced, wayward son. Oh, supposedly "Dad" was initially dx'd with some horrible kind of disease over a year ago. By the diagnosis, he should have been a goner in a matter of months. Apparently, it wasn't as bad as "Dad" and "Dad's family" made it out to be; both my son and I figured it was a manipulative ploy to garner sympathy and other things. However, when Mom's trying to use Tough Love, even the worst of absentee fathers can look good to an addict who's homeless. My son's father hasn't acknowledged any holidays or my son's birthdays for two years (zippo contact), and his family hasn't sent my son cards or called him at our house for over a decade. Son mentioned some months back of moving in with my former mother-in-law. This woman had to have been the inspiration for the moldy-oldy song, "Mother-in-Law" of the sixties. I kid you not, she's that diabolical. Her ex-husband, my former father-in-law, was a real sweetheart. We got along very well, but he passed away some years back.

    I'm sorry I rambled. I'm upset. Very upset. And I really don't know what to do except pray and read the Word. I poured my heart and soul into my son and raised him completely by myself.....and to have it end like's too much. Prayers much coveted and always, always appreciated.

    I don't know what I do without this board and all you super supportive people here. Love, hugs, and prayers for all your needs, too!

    Sweetpeas (or should I say "Sourpeas"?)
  2. pepper

    pepper New Member

    I am so sorry about what you are going through. I am afraid your experience is what I may be going through in the next couple of years although I have been praying that things improve with my 20 yr old (depressed, drinking problem - I cannot say alcoholic yet -, smoking, and who knows what else).

    Although I remarried after his dad left when he was 3 mo. old, his stepdad worked long hours and travelled for weeks at a time so I basically raised my boys by myself. Which became incredibly difficult when I became sick. He was only 8 yr. old. Bio dad was out of his life since before his third birthday.

    See? Our stories are similar. I am struggling so much with guilt over how this young man is turning out. I will tell you what I have been telling myself.

    We have to do what we think is right at the moment. We may make mistakes in dealing with them but we are doing our best. We have done our best in raising them and what they are doing are their choices. Choices we would never have made for them but because they are adults we no longer have any say.

    It is so hard to watch a promising life be wasted, isn't it? I am afraid that I too will or have done something that pushes my son to do what he might not otherwise have done. I could not live with myself if I pushed him to suicide. I have taken control by locking up all meds. If he gets them elsewhere, it is beyond my control.

    I am seriously considering therapy for myself in dealing with this situation. Someone to tell me not to feel so guilty I guess.

    Sorry I rambled on too. But all I can see as a solution for us both now is praying and meditating and coming to this board for support.

    I will keep you and your son in my prayers, Sweetpeas!
    [This Message was Edited on 10/27/2004]
  3. Dulcimerkid

    Dulcimerkid New Member

    Dear Sweetpeas,
    I responded on your other message about your son about the problem with not having a church family. You need to know from us and if you can find others around you that are chirstians that you are doing the right thing as hard as it may be. As I was told you have no right to let your son abuse you by disrespecting you and stealing from you. He needs to know you love him unconditionally but that doesn't mean you have to let him live with you and do things that are wrong and illegal. I know it has got to be tearing you apart inside. the only reason my son is not on the streets is because his grandparents took him in, none of his so called friends.
    Honey, hang in there and know that you are loved here and supported here and will not be judged as a bad parent because you did what you had to do.
    Trust the Lord for strength and wisdom, read the Proverbs for guidance and know the Lord will never leave you nor forsake you or your son, the well known verse of John 3:16
    For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. He wants No One to perish.
    I will keep you and your son in my prayers that he will hit bottom so all he can do is look up and that he will see that the one to help him back up is Jesus.
  4. sunflowergirl

    sunflowergirl Well-Known Member

    but I have to agree with Laurie....he has to know that you love him very much but that he has to make these changes for his own good. I will continue to pray for you and your son daily, that God will show a light for your son to see and to find the way back. I can really feel all the pain you're going through. God bless you and give you the strength and guidance.
  5. MusicTeacher

    MusicTeacher New Member

    I am so sad to hear of the worsening of your situation and the awful pain and anguish you are going through.

    I believe, sadly, that you are right to make your terms for re-admission to the family home quite clear to your son. You have a life as well as he does. As parents we are often guilty of completely giving up all our needs for our kids and at some point, especially when they are adult themselves, I guess the times comes to say "enough".

    You have the double hurt of the situation with his Dad. I suppose if some miracle healing were to occur there then, with reluctance, you'd be thankful? However I, like you, would be sceptical for now.

    Please try and hold strong to what you believe is right and to your own faith - God is there with you and needs you to be strong and true to him. Your son is a young adult and is responsible for his actions. You need to find someone/somewhere that will walk with you and give you personal comfort as well as spiritual help too if needed.I am sorry to read elsewhere that a church turned its back on you - very difficult to forgive that sort of response!

    For now, all I can do, many thousands of miles away is continue to pray like mad for you and your son and that I will do. I continue to ask for God's love to be poured into you and by his grace and mercy for your son to seek help to change his ways.

    Please receive a big hug, lots of love and prayers across the Atlantic.

    Music Teacher (UK)

  6. sunflowergirl

    sunflowergirl Well-Known Member

    this morning about the Prodigal Son, delivered by Phil Waldrep. He also has written a book, "Parenting Prodigals" in which he outlines 6 steps to dealing with them.

    This was on Family Life. You can find them by doing a google search. If you have speakers on your computer you have the capability of listening, or they give info on how to get the tape of this.

    Basically it was that the prodigals need to know there are consequences when they make the wrong choices and that many times when we step in to help them, because they are usually manipulative people, we hinder the work that God is trying to do in their lives. I really believe this program will help you stay strong in your actions.

    God bless you and your son. Let me know if you were able to listen to this.
  7. dash

    dash New Member

    Dear, I believe that you are doing the right thing with your son. We cannot protect our adult children from the consequences of a sinful lifestyle.

    That being said, I understand how much pain you must be experiencing right now. Your only recourse is to pray until he accepts responsiblity for his situation and is ready to make a real change.

    I'm going to be praying that your son has a real "Paul on the Damascus Road experience"

    I have a daughter has turned away from walking in the Lord. My prodigal child has been diagnosed as a manic depressive. I understand your pain.

    May the Lord bless you and hold you close to His heart. May He be your comfort and your strength.

  8. Sandyz

    Sandyz New Member

    Sending prayers up for your son that he will be protected and looked out for. Praying that he will hit his bottom and turn his life around. Anything`s possible so keep the faith.

    Don`t blame yourself, you did the best you could. Kids with an absentee parent really have low-self esteem and self-worth. He is trying to numb all the pain.

    Anytime you need prayer or just to talk or vent, we are here for you. I hope things get better soon for you.