Sooo tired but fighting sleep anyone?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by lurkernomore, Apr 17, 2006.

  1. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    I just wondered if anyone else finds themselves doing this because it seems to be an every night event for me. No matter how tired my body is, or if I have taken a med for sleep, once I actually do go to bed, it begins.

    First I get into bed and think "oh, this is going to be a good night." The next thing I know, my mind is wandering all over and yes, I do take a klonopin in the mornings, have for years in order to get a handle on a genetic tremor. Otherwise, I have the outward appearance of a person with fully blown parkinsons disease.

    My thoughts on this are that I could have some unresolved issues about safety or security and so I fight to stay alert to protect myself. Admittedly, I was molested as a child, very young, at age four, but have had the therapy and done all I can and consider myself "well past all that because, after all, it *is in the past."

    I am married to a wonderful man, supportive, encouraging and protective and I don't think there is anything else he could possibly do to make me feel more secure. So my question is, does anyone else find themselves fighting sleep like this or is it just me? Any replies would be so greatly appreciated, thank you!
  2. kdeenak

    kdeenak New Member

    I don't do it as much because I drug myself up with Tylenol PM. However for the last two nights I have woken up and even though I am exhausted things have popped in my head and I have sat there worrying.

    I am like you, I was molested and grew up in a very very volatile environment for most of my life and now have a wonderful very protective man that would never ever let anything happen to me, but I still worry and lay there and think and have bad dreams about violent things. This morning after he left for work I had a horrible dream someone was breaking in and trying to hurt me.

    I worry a lot about things I have no control over. I have had a lot of therapy and have come to the conclusion that it doesn't work for me. I don't know how to stop worrying. Sleep is the only time I get any peace (except when I have the bad dreams) and I hate it when I wake up and can't go back to sleep and that crap invades it.

    Sorry I can't be of more help, but I know how you feel.

    Hugs,

    Deena
  3. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    lurkernomore:
    For quite some time I could not sleep at night. Once that was ingrained in me it really took it's toll. Now I do not fight sleep. I take medications for it and go to bed knowing that if I wake up in the middle of the night or an hour or two later I can always take something else.

    I can identify with the molestation. Whatever 'they' say: for me it will never be washed away in my mind or made better. Logically it should, but emotionally it was like a small killing on part of my inner self. I still have flashbacks. It was my father. (I can not believe I revealed this, but: why not?).

    Sleep is so important. Fight it no more. Find a solution before you end up pacing the floor at night. A good doctor might be able to help.

    hugs,

    nyrofan
  4. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    I have often thought this too. That if only I knew how to stop worrying, the sleep would just naturally come. But you know what? Some nights, it is not the worrying, but just the "always having to be on guard" feeling that keeps sleep from coming for me.

    Some nights, I just lie there, as if my mind is a total blank, not worrying, but deep down, somewhere, it must be ingrained in my sunconscious that allowing myself to relax enough to sleep makes me more vulnerable.

    It is as if my body has forgotten how to surrender to sleep. My mother has lived like this for 71 years and now I see it happening with my 21 year old son and it makes me sadder than I can express that he suffers like this too! My body just seems to fight sleep at every turn and it seems as if it is fighting me too and rebelling...and it is winning the war! eeeeks, I so envy my DH, who can just recline in his chair and be out like a light in five minutes!
  5. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    Well, the problem is that I seem to have run out of medical experimentations insofar as sleep aids. I mean, I really have tried so many of them, everything from the herbal remedies, the teas, melatonin, magnesium, exercising early in the day, to western meds, such as Ambien, Sonata, antidepressants which claim to promote sleepiness. (I apologize for the run on sentence and will blame sleep deprivation for it, LOL!)

    At present I have been on Restoril for about five years. At first, it was like a miracle and I slept like a baby. That lasted for a very sweet couple of years, but now, it is like taking a placebo. And I cannot justify continuing putting it into my system when it is no longer working.

    I have read as much as I possibly can, so I know that sleep is a major part of coping with the challenges of fibro and this just adds to my frustration when sleep does not come. The lack of sleep has already played a major role in my adaptations of life. Pacing at night, insisting on having a suite, rather than a single hotel room when we travel, so that I can do my wandering at night are but one unhappy result.

    But the saddest of all (and I am not boasting because this was a major sacrifice for hubby and I) was when I had to admit that we needed to have separate rooms for sleeping at night. He is the sole breadwinner here and it seemed so unfair to me to be constantly disrupting his sleep simply because I could not lie still when I was so wide awake.

    Lately he has been making comments, not in a whiny way, but just little remarks, such as,"it sure gets lonely in the bed without you," or "I really miss not waking up and having you in bed beside me." I feel very cruel for insisting that things be this way and still, sort of powerless to change, because right now, I know that I would feel absolutely miserable with trying to share our bed when I am so...wired and "on guard" all night long, every.single.night.

    I miss our marriage bed and I miss being able to just snuggle up to my husband and drift off to sleep. I know it has to be messing with the marriage bond and for that, I worry that I am doing him a terrible injustice. I also worry and wonder that I must be confusing our children's ideas as to how married people actually "do bond" even though I have repeatedly explained to them that the situation with their father and I are not the norm and is all due to my not being able to sleep.

    But no, ha ha, I am not at all....a worrier, now am I? And look at all the apologies and worries I have mentioned, just in this one post! LOL, I really am a mess, aren't I?
  6. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    In my purely self-indulgent hopes that more will relate and reply to this post! Insomniacs unite! LOL!
    [This Message was Edited on 04/17/2006]
  7. caperkat

    caperkat New Member

    yes, my bed & sleep are both my best friend and worst enemy.
  8. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    I hear you lady! You know it's getting bad when you feel that wave of sadness at night because you realize that soon, everyone else will be sleeping soundly and there you will be, alone and wide awake! I wonder if people who sleep like that have any idea what a blessing it is to just sleep without having to work at it?

    Edited because the dyslexic lurking inside me decided to come out and play on my keyboard tonight! :)[This Message was Edited on 04/17/2006]
  9. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    Well, I feel an awww shux coming on! Thank you so much for the compliments but I really don't feel very bright at all!
    Which is probably why I don't post more often. Can you believe that I am often at a loss for words? Then I get busy posting and the next thing I know I have written a short novel!

    Wow, the meds cause you to hyperfocus? I imagine that would be frustrating too. Sometimes I feel as if my mind is in full throttle but the old bod is stuck in park! Is it anything like that?

    Yes, sometimes I wish I hadn't needed the klonopin so many years ago so that it could be a new "fix" for my sleeping distress. It just seems so cruel that we have to spend so much of our lives in a constant quest for rest, when it comes so naturally for so many. Sometimes I think the last time I slept soundly was when I had surgery, whenever the last one was.

    And while we're on the subject of sleep, or lack thereof, do you have those nights when you kind of zone out for a bit and then snap back and wonder if you have been asleep yet? My guess is, if you are lying there wondering, you most likely have not slept well enough to count.

    Sometimes I feel like a child in the backseat of my dad's car on the way to the beach, whining "are we theeerreee yet?" Only I'd be saying "am I sleeepppping yet?" Like the little boy on the new Disney commercial, "I'm too exzited to zleeeppp!"
  10. Shannonsparkles

    Shannonsparkles New Member

    (((hugs)))

    Wish I could help you somehow. You expressed what we are going through so well.

    I'm in an insomnia flare up right now. Crazy. Up for 30 hours at a time, then kind of sleep, then... it begins again. I'm starting to wish for knock out drops or a mallet!!!!

    I can relate to your vigilance, a little bit. I can't even feel safe if I close my eyes to listen to a relaxation tape. I don't know what's going to "get me," exactly. I just feel that if "it's" comming, I won't be able to defend myself when "it" get's here.

    I was abused also. When I read about child abuse in any form, those are the nights that, as I walk the hallway and the stairs, and finally end up in my dark spooky bedroom, I could swear for sure that a bad guy was just behind my shoulder, that's how real the feelings stored up in my body are. I try not to turn around to look. I try to say an extra prayer for courage to turn out the lights and expose my back and get into bed.

    I wish I could say something that will help you. This is something that I haven't figured out. Except that I generally feel safer sleeping during the day. Nothing can get me in the day. It's like having the world's most powerful nightlight come to my aid. If I'm feeling insecure, I sleep in the day. So I am usually sleeping during the day.

    I'm here with you, is all I can say. I'm very sorry that you are having to go through this, and for so long. Thank you for sharing your story so that others can draw strength from you.

    Are you ever able to sleep at any time?
    (((gentle hugs))) Shannon
  11. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    You know I think that perhaps I would prefer some of that than the dull as an old butter knife feelings and responses my mind has had of late. My husband says I am very easily entertained because I can read the same book over and over and it is always new to me! LOL, it's the same way with something we record on the VCR. He will rewind the video and look at me and ask if we have seen it before. Ha-"you're asking ME, the amnesiac? And by the way, who are you??"

    But true, these DD's are always interesting. Not necassarily fun, but interesting. You never know which body part will come under attack next or what other presentation may show up. I try to balance it by keeping a sense of humor and poking fun at myself. This way, no one else need feel the compulsion to do it for me. :) No, this is not for sissies. But as I told my rheumy the last visit, "if you get out of bed every day there is stress. This is just a different kind of stress." And if you don't get out of bed...well, then there are bedsore, right?
  12. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    What a kind and compassionate post you have given me. This is incredible and it just reflects what a gentle soul you have. I totally empathize with the insomnia craze going for thirty hours. Don't you just feel as if you are living on the other side of the planet from the rest of the world when this is going on?

    My younger son has just been offered two jobs and is trying to decide which one he takes. Both are fairly equal in pay and benefits, but one is third shift. He can do third shift but has worked days for long enough now that he has adapted and rests fairly well at night. I am trying to discourage third shift because he is still young and single and I hate to see him going into the world of third shift what with the changes he will have to make in sleeping and all.

    If I could speak to parents of abused children everywhere I know exactly what I would tell them. An abused child is not someone who should be encouraged to be quiet or told to never speak of the abuse. (No, before anyone thinks it was my parents or a family member, it was not.)

    But I was very young, age four, and my parents never spoke of the happening for as long as I was growing up. They really thought that by never rehashing the ordeal, I would forget about it. But what that did was make me, as a child, feel as if there was this huge, dark secret that I was forbidden to speak of.

    Dreams, gosh, deams of the man who did this and waking up and wondering what in the world was wrong with me, that I would have such filthy, dirty dreams. Seeing the guy walking free and having him turn around and smile at me. And not once did it ever get discussed until I married.

    After going on my honeymoon and having a nearly disastrous week I came home and confronted my mother and only then did she open up to and talk with me about what had taken place all those years ago. It was then that she apologized to me and tell me that she had so hoped I had been too young to remember.

    Wow, I have no idea where all that came from, but it must havebeen something in your response to me and I hope I have not unloaded on you with TMI! Actually, I do manage to sleep very well if I am drowsy and lie down when either my husband or older son are home during the day.

    That is the safest and most secure time, I feel and I can let down my guard and drift off to sleep. I call it my "Oprah syndrome," because it usually happens right about the time Oprah comes on here and I am heading off for a nap. Those nap times are precious to me and while I use to feel guilty about sleeping when hubby or son is home, I am getting over it.

    Now I sleep whenever I can. It is just that I wish I could get on track with the rest of the world. But I think I am destined to the graveyard shift, ha ha!
  13. Charleen

    Charleen New Member

    As I read your post I though I can't believe it someone else like me.
    When I know my husband (and yes I have a good one too)is getting ready for bed I dread it. I too get into bed thinking ok I am tired I will sleep. I take Trazadone and Xanax for my sezuries and depression. I hear my hubby start snoring and I end up getting up and coming into the family room to my friends on the chat room.
    I too was abused as a child I also know that I can't sleep without a cover (when I do sleep). I sometimes think that it is my security. It can be 90 degress out and I still have a cover and most of the time a blanket. I have had therpy and have learned that it was not my fault!
    I wish there was more help out there for those like us that want to sleep but can't
    Thank you for your post. Charleen
  14. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    I am beginning to think that the best therapy we have is this message board and what we all have in common. We can come here and not have to pretend that everything is A-OK or plaster on the fake smile. Isn't that such a wonderful blessing?

    I know that for me, my biggest blessing of all is having a husband who, while he may not always understand, tries his very best to work around what is going on with me and never questions or doubts me. He knows about the childhood event (abuse) and he knows that there will be times when it rears it's ugly head and things will be a little bit wonky until I have sorted it all out. The man must have the patience of Job!

    The most important thing that I have taken from all this is that we really must count our blessings as we are being blessed. Not after the fact, but right then. If we are able to identify and realize that we are really blessed as it happens, then we will make it.

    I hope that does not sound trite of me to say. I am not trying to discount anyone's pain in any way. I am only speaking of what helps me get through the days and even nights when I am unable to sleep. And there is an old saying, perhaps a Bible verse, which says "peace cometh in the morning." I love that and cling to it, because I really do feel so much better when the morning light comes. Even if it means that I feel safer and more at peace and can sleep for a bit.

    Many, many good thoughts heading your way and may we all find our own peace and ways of coping with our pasts. We are strong and we are survivors, you know. We may appear weak to those who are clueless as to what we deal with on a daily basis. And that use to really bother and concern me. But really, they do not know me or you. They have no idea what we battle and so I am trying to learn to give them a free pass on their judgements of me.

    I no longer have the energy, the interest nor the inclination to educate everyone as to what my situation is. And that has to be the most liberating feeling I have experienced in a very long time.