Sorry, been gone for awhile, TOXIC husband

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by futurehope, May 9, 2006.

  1. futurehope

    futurehope New Member

    Hi everyone,

    I am so sorry to have been gone awhile. I have been feeling so much pain lately.

    I hope that no one objects to reading a book. But, I just feel that I have had the very worst verbal abuse thrown at me that I ever have, even with the physical and sexual abuse I had in the past.

    A little life story. When I was 15, I was a virgin, two guys, one my boyfriend took me out and got me drunk and then you know what.

    During my Sophmore/Junior Year in school I had a boyfriend whose father beat his mother. Well he picked up the trait. Except he always used an open fist, although once pinching my cheeks so hard they bruised. Also wouldn't let me go out with my friends. My dad had to get what they used to call "peace bond" on him back in those days.

    I got married when I was just 19. (1st marriage). Was horrible. For a while he was an alochoic, (a mean one). One time he held me up against the wall by my throat. Always smoked pot. Lots of verbal abuse, always angry.

    I always worked full time, he hardly ever worked. One time he pushed me so hard, about 8 feet that I ran into the kitchen countertop and dishwasher and had muliple large bruises and a jammed thumb.

    He was a real emotional blackmail type person. He is the father of my only child. He told me one (during our divorce) that if I gave him everything he wanted (sexually) he would not take our daughter away from me. Sexual abuse was his major thing. I won't go into details. Also said if I gave him $10,000, he would not take her away too. I won't go into details. But when I finally filed for divorce, I had to hide and go to court and get a 2 year restraining order.

    He was the kinda guy that was angry, he would push, wouldn't let me leave the house, yanked the phone plug out of the wall, yelled alot and a little physical stuff.

    But finally, after 4 years of fighting, I was set free. And I still have my daughter.

    A few years later, I thought I remarried what I thought was a wonderful man, but I was wrong. The verbal abuse is downright horrible.

    We works and I don't, he spends lavishly and I don't. He has made it very clear that my daughter and I are beneath him. My daughter works very hard, very into all sports (she is probably going to get a scholorship). She is always on A honor roll. Does all her chores and NEVER talks back at that age of 14.

    He had gotten mad because he sliding shorts have had holes in them and she needs a new pair, or when she grows out of shoes or when they get old. Gets mad when we need our hair done. Doesn't want me to spend any money at all.

    He has told me I have a roof over my head and food to eat and that is good enough.

    He just bought a $20,000 motorcycle, an $800.00 exercise mahine, and in the recent past a metal detector, some odd kind of radio frequency get-up (that cost a lot of money), a four wheeler, a dirt bike, (by the way he sold my daughters which she had been riding long before he ever knew us). And his wonderful gun collection, which he keeps spending and spending on.

    I get blamed for the $$$ situation.

    He puts my daughter down, not in front of her, but to me. Telling me she did not do a good job at her game so he is not going to tell her she did. By the way, he has not been to game in ages!! ANY GAME!!! Tell me she does not deserve anything because her chores are not kept up. I can't think right now but there is a lot more. It has really hurt me bad. He was so loving in the very beginning.

    He has told me many lies about his childhood, which I found out thru his mother, won't go into details, but will say they are excuses for the way he is now.

    He is an alocholic, he has called me lazy, stupid, dirty, selfish, and self-centered.

    Last week really was the big one. I cannot ever forgive him for this.

    He told me he did not understand why I continued to cease in this world. I did not serve a purpose. And why was I even living?

    This hurt so very bad.

    Then he continued. The house is a filthy mess (even though I have been much better about cleaning), the bathroom smells like mold (even though I put a febreeze thing in there after he brought it up).

    I don't do anything for him.

    I brought up why he never wanted to have sex with me anymore. He stated because I had cervical dysplasia. I had my cervix frozen for this condition and he cannot even remember going with me. I said he needs to read up on this condition. He made me feel dirty. Even though he has told me when he was in the Navy he would sleep with anything.

    I know he was lying. He just plain does not want to have any sex with me at all. He absolutely hates me and everything about me.

    He also stated here I am driving this cadillac around and I don't deserve it. It is a 2000 with 80,000 miles on it. And I never asked for the car, he wanted it.

    He said I give everything to my daughter and nothing to him.

    Remember this was all done when he was drunk. We have no life because immediately after work, he pops open a drink and sits on the couch the rest of the night. He is overweight also.

    That day, I took this all in stride, talking back to him nicely, but I cried and cried, not in front of him though. I know there is more he said, but I cannot remember it all now.

    Oh, he also told me that he thinks I am playing sick.

    I cannot leave him.

    I am so hurt by him telling me I have no purpose in life and should cease to exist.

    I am sorry this is so long. I have no-one else to turn to. Both my parents are gone, I have no siblings and not much else in the way of family.

    Brenda


    [This Message was Edited on 05/09/2006]
  2. Strawberry94

    Strawberry94 New Member

    Brenda I am so sorry that you are currently having to be in this situation. I don't really know what else to say.

    I have read that narcissists will sexually neglect their mates as a way of hurting them, especially male Ns. Sex to the naricissist is all about ego and control, not about love, pleasure and comfort like other people.

    He could also be porn/auto eroticly addicted.

    It could also be his beer drinking and O.W.

    It is him, not you.
  3. smiffy79

    smiffy79 New Member

    hi sweety.

    hon i think you have suffered enough, why set yourself up for more?

    one, you know you are none of the things he said and you kmow he wants to make you feel terrible about yourself its a form of control.

    two, you dont need him, you can make your own way. you dont need a soul sucking, emotion bashing twit to be who you are

    three, he will tell you that you need him financially - that may be so in the short term but sweety you will be made up in your divorce settlement.

    four, i too have suffered in the same way. i didnt stand up for my self until he hurt my daughter. please dont let it get that far.

    we are all here for you brenda. smiff xxx
  4. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    I am sorry to hear about what you are going through, but all of us cares. You have to "talk" to someone and we are here.

    Dear one, you can not continue like this. Do not be afraid to be on your own. He is sick. I doubt, but you can try counseling. Or at least go for yourself to get your head straightened out and get confidence.

    When ever you make a decision and go with it, in time You will be surprised that you feel better than you do now. You can get help and move, even if it is section 8 type housing and you get food stamps. At least you will feel better about yourself and your health will be better.

    It is not easy, but really you can do it. Also your daughter knows a lot that goes on, she will respect you and hopefully learn for herself about types to avoid in her own life.

    You are worn out with all of this stress. Talk to your Dr. Talk to a counsler. He should go to AA but it sounds as if he would not agree.

    I am tired, so stopping here. I just had to say a warm Hello to you and say that I believe in you and we can surprise ourselfs with what we can do....

    Love and Blessings.........Susan
  5. lilac123

    lilac123 New Member

    My motto has always been that; "mean people suck!" I too went through alot of abusive relationships and the last one before my marriage to a wonderful man was just horrible! I trully believe that person had some kind of evil in them or was mentally unstable. And very dangerous.

    My point is, it sounds like we have alot in common. I have a great life now (except for my medical condition). I too felt like I could not leave this other man. He kept me totally isolated from my family and people by constantly moving us all over the country. Or following me when I would get away. Please don't think you can't leave this abusive situation. You can do anything!! I would call a women's shelter if it were me and just talk to someone who can validate to you that this abuse is not normal. I started feeling like I deserved it for some reason. That is how they keep us controlled. It is totally their problem and a control/power thing.

    I noticed too you are from central il. I live in the middle of a corn field north of Peoria.

    Please don't feel trapped. There are so many options out there today and this kind of thing is not ok nor do you deserve it. I'm sure it must effect your dear daughter too to see you go through this. Even if it's not directed at her.

    I will add you to my prayers and hope you find some support and keep the faith that this too shall pass.

    Healing prayers,
    Lil
  6. pepper

    pepper New Member

    I hope that you will listen to the advice you have been given here. You and your daughter deserve a better life than this.

    (((HUGS)))Pepper
  7. mme_curie68

    mme_curie68 New Member

    Please, please, please get AWAY from this man as soon as possible.

    Do whatever you have to do, and take your daughter with you.

    Before I met my husband, I was engaged to another man. He got fired from his well-paying computer programming job for falsifying his timecard (it was a high-security government contractor)and that was a security violation.

    This man remained unemployed, with only me to support us for an entire year. It got to the point where I was crying and begging him just to get a job, anything to help support us. He refused.

    My breaking point was when he told me that he didn't care what my goals and aspirations were as a person, as long as I brought home a paycheck.

    Since he still wasn't working when we broke up, I had to move into our second bedroom and live with him as roomates because I was horrified at the thought of moving home to my mothers.

    In retrospect, knowing what I know now, I would NEVER have stayed. It got to the point that I feared for my life. He started talking about buying a gun and guns in general. Then one night I was coming in to the house and he grabbed me and would not let me go.

    Take your daughter and your car and move. Now. Go to ANY relative or friend who will help you out. If need be, you can get your butt to an urban area with public transportation and sell the car to get seed money. Go on public assistance.

    Being around a nasty drunk with guns is tantamount to waiting for your execution. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter. You need to break this cycle NOW.

    Hugs,
    Madame Curie



  8. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    I mean it , for you and your daughter get out-you cannot afford not to. You are actually setting your daughter up for the same patterns of male relationshiops you have had. You are showing her that women can be abused.

    This man apparently liked you because of your past, he wanted to chose someone who he could feel superior to.

    Most states are equal for sharing out the house etc. with divorce laws. You will be entitled to more away from him thatn with him.

    You really need to ask a relative or friend if they can help you, if not, contact the nearest women's center that deals with marital abuse.

    I would even go as far as to say that your illness(recovery) is very dependent upon getting away.

    Please do not stay. These men are the onesz that eventually become the killers. It often is the verbal abusers not the physical abusers.

    I think that you have such low self esteem that it would be a good idea to steer clear of men too, as you will keep trusting the wrong ones.

    I feel so very sorry for you, I wish I loived next door, but I don't, and I can only beg you, for you and your daughter, to please get out right away.

    Love Anne C
  9. bunnyfluff

    bunnyfluff Member

    You have got to find a way out.

    Your daughter IS being affected. The same way I was seeing my mom treated this way. It it not right to have to feel unworthy. No one has the right to make you feel that way. No one.

    You are her biggest role model. You are going to have to find a way. This is no life for the 2 of you.
  10. thirkmom

    thirkmom New Member

    Brenda,

    I'm new to the boards and was getting ready to shut down the computer when I read your message. No one deserves to be demeaned by the person that they are supposed to trust the most in this world. I think we as women, convince ourselves that we need men and for some reason are willing to put up with what they dish out.

    You are in so much pain mentally, physically,emotionally, and spiritually. Your life will not get better until YOU decide enough is enough. Please value yourself enough to get out of the situation you are in. Most counselors will tell you to make an escape plan and put money away. You can't wait that long dear. As I read your post, a feeling of dread lingered with me and I fear for your life and the life of your daughter. You can replace your earthly possessions but you can't replace your lives or your souls. You have done nothing to deserve this and there is nothing you can do except make a better, safer place for you.

    Where do you go if you can't feel safe and secure in your own home. Everyone has given you such wonderful advice. Who needs Dr. Phil, right? Even though none of us know each other on a personal or social basis, I feel I already know everyone because of the medical problems which we share. We all care about you. Look how many mothers there are giving you motherly advice. We can't replace your mom but there is a lot of love, wisdom, and support here for you. If your mother was here, wouldn't she be telling you all this. All of your surrogate moms are here and if everyone else cares as much as I do--then you have an army backing you up. You will be in my prayers. May God give you the courage and strength to do what you know you need to do. With love. LuAnn

    PS all of you guys out there are so loving and wise. I loved reading your advise to Brenda. Fibromyalgia and CFS has taken a lot from you but it didn't steal your hearts or your compassion.
  11. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    go to a domestic violence shelter for women...they will have allthe advocates you will need...they will find you housing and very well a section 8 voucher..those are abotu the first ones they give out in my county....

    you and yor daughter will be fine...are you getting child support for your daughter from the father....? did you current husband adopt her...

    how long have you been married this current man...?

    i looked up illinois divorce laws for you...google it yoruself

    but there some laws to protect your assets etc...


    there is help out there and i bet you daughter would just wish you may leave this man too...she will be very supportive...you are her rock...and she is yours...you will survive...and call the the hotline for doestic abuse....go draw money out of a bank account if you have your name on it...

    get cash from credit cards at the bank to help support yourself until the divorce goes through...do not tell him anything you just go do it one day while he is gone at work ..and go....

    jodie
  12. Banka8

    Banka8 New Member

    Hi Brenda,

    First of all your husband is probably impotent because of his weight and alcoholism. That is why he is taking it out on you. He can't cut the mustard so you get the blame. My mom always used to say that when men can't do it anymore they get meaner.

    You need to get your daughter away from him. He sounds like he could be dangerous. Even if you don't care about your own safety think about her's.

    Start the wheels in motion to try and get diasbility if you cannot work anymore.

    He has told you that you don't deserve to be alive and have no purpose in life. What more do you need to hear?

    You say you can't leave but can you afford to stay?

    Take care
    Judy
  13. Roseblossom

    Roseblossom Member

    Please let us know you and your little girl are ok; and what you're doing.

    Roseblossom
  14. mrstyedawg

    mrstyedawg Member

    Please take your daughter and run not walk from this man. Do not let this type of abuse destroy your daughters life as well as your own. You do not deserve this type of treatment. You can make it without this man.

    You have really been through a lot. I know you can't change your past, but you can change your future. It sounds like you are a very strong person and a fighter. Be an example to your daughter, show her that a woman does not have to be treated like this. Take her and leave if at all possible.

    good luck,
    andrea
  15. Denamay

    Denamay New Member

    Dear Brenda,
    I can only add to what the others have said! I worked as a crisis councilor at a womans shelter before I retired and have seen many cases such as yours. Statistics say that,that kind of behavior only gets worse as time goes on.

    I am worried about your daughter, because it sounds like your hb. might have some deviant sexual problems. Please do not take any chances with your child!!!!!! Get out before it is too late. Take good care, from Denamay
  16. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    Brenda:
    So sorry you are going through this.

    I can say, since I had a brief foray in AA when self-medicating with beer, I found out there is also Alanon, for people who live with alcoholics.

    If he does not let you go there is always the phone and they have people who will talk to you. If you could slip out for a meeting for a daytime meeting when he is working; why not give it a try?

    I hope and pray all gets better for you and your daughter.

    HUGS,

    nyrofan
  17. georgianewyork

    georgianewyork New Member

    Brenda,
    Hello. There is a lot of good advice here. Although you are suffering so, you need to get away from the abuse. Sometimes the comfort/discomfort of our four walls and roof are not worth staying for. The price is too high.

    Please try to inquire about options avaiable for abused women and families in your area. Know that good things will be ahead for you and your daughter once the bad energy is gone from your life.
    In my prayers,
    Georgia
  18. Jordane

    Jordane New Member

    If you had come across this column

    read it , getting angry at the man, feeling that this is such an awfull thing this man is doing to his wife.

    till you get to the end,

    And your daughter had wrote this.

    What would you tell her to do?

    She tells you she cannot leave.

    Would you just set back and let it go on?

    I am sure you would not, no mother would.

    She is in danger now! Your baby needs your help!

    Do you really think he will stop with you.

    HE WONT. HE WILL DO WHATEVER HE HAS TO, TO KEEP YOU TIED TO HIM.
    And hurting your daughter will not mean a thing to him.

    So take action, stand up agaist him. Protect your daughter, and yourself.

    You both deserve so much more!!
    Pick up the phone and call,police;womens shelter;minister!
    Get help!
    Your worth it!!
    Jordane
  19. Jana1

    Jana1 New Member

    a short whispered prayer just went up to God for you and your daughter. You are alive because God made you...that is what you are worth..God's love.

    Hugs and strength,
    Jana
  20. lovethesun

    lovethesun New Member

    The advice mentioned above is good.My prayers are with you.Linda