spouse talked about my going back to work, now I'm sad

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by myjoy, Feb 21, 2007.

  1. myjoy

    myjoy New Member

    I still don't have my results back from my shoulder MRI, so I don't if I will need surgery. But today my husband started talking to me about all the stuff there is to do at work for when I get back...which can't be soon enough for him. He works very hard in his business. I feel sorry for him.

    After I got off the phone, I just wanted to cry. I feel stressed out about it, and I'm not even back there yet. After only a couple of hours of typing at work, I feel like I'm getting the flu, and I can't think very well (I have FM). Is this normal? What's wrong with me, am I just one big lazy loser?!

  2. Susan07

    Susan07 New Member

    You are not lazy. I read your profile - you are in pain.

    Particularly with where your pain is I can see why work hurts you so much. Work just makes it worse.

    I just had to leave my job last August and I worked at a desk. My work bent over backwards (allowing me to arrive late, gave away "walking" jobs, etc.) and I still was about to go crazy with the pain.

    Always felt like I had the flu and the "not thinking well" also known as fibrofog was very real to me and really affected me keeping up with my job.

    Hope you will figure this out soon and if you look up the spoon theory on google you can show it to your husband. Great explanation for people who can't understand what we are going through.
  3. naturebaby

    naturebaby New Member

    Hiya Joy,
    No, you are NOT lazy nor a loser! You are ill and saddled with chronic, relentless pain! I know where you're coming from though...this DD steals so much of our lives that it really impacts self-esteem.

    I'd be willing to bet that the truth is you're a very giving person, always trying to meet others needs and expectations. You put everyone else first, right? It's time to start putting YOU first and taking care of your health, not overdoing or pushing it, which could cause you to get even more sick.

    "The Spoon Theory" would be a really great thing for you and your husband to read and talk about. It sounds like you might still be grieving your old self, and he might be, too.

    Is there any way you can do a little bit of work from home? I also agree that getting a temp might be a really good thing for everyone. I hope you're feeling a little better this evening...please try not to worry about work until you absolutely have to....and keep us posted.

    Wishing you well, nature
  4. dononagin

    dononagin New Member

    I'm waiting for the results of my CT scan... I know exactly how you feel. Let me know when you get them back. Fingers crossed and prayers going up.

    our not a big lazy loser.. not unless we all are! : )
  5. myjoy

    myjoy New Member

    thanks everyone for all the wonderful things you said. I really don't feel better tonight. I just let my husband down all the time. He is way too nice to me, I think.

    I'm afraid that when he looks at me he wishes he had someone else for a wife. Someone who could be a real help to him.

    I used to be so good at my other jobs I've had. Now everything seems so big, and so hard. Thing is, I don't want to go back to work...at all. I feel so awful there. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I've always worked, even through all the ocd/depression stuff.

    What's this spoon theory? I had better look it up and find out. Maybe it would help both hubby and I.

    Thanks again,
  6. Iamnotmyillness

    Iamnotmyillness New Member

    I'm sad to hear you say that he "is to nice to me". If you were healthy and he were sick, how would you be treating him? When the child that I was living with (I cant call him a man) wished that he had a "magic wand so that he could make me better" and then broke things off, I was honestly relieved. I would not want to be with someone who would not give to me what I would so readily give to him without a second thought. Is you husband being as good to you as you would be to him were the situations reversed? If he is, then is not being "too" nice to you, but rather living up to his role as your husband and being an equal partner. IMHO equal doesnt mean 50-50 input but rather 50-50 in effort. Are you doing the most you can? YES Is he doing the most he can YES. That, at least to me, is 50-50. Hope that helps??
  7. myjoy

    myjoy New Member

    Yes, it helps a lot. I never thought of it that way.

    I'm feeling a little bit better today (emotionally), but my body is sure stiff today.

    Thanks for your help. there are such kind folks here.
  8. Suzan

    Suzan New Member

    These illnesses..I have FMS ( but it is true of CFS/ME as well) make us feel so lousy physically, and then also mentally, because most of us can't even come close to the level of work we once did. Our spouses look at us...and think.."when she is better" ..but then we just don't get better! The spouses go thru a whole process...much like grieving...and they seem to repeat it from time to time as well.
    You are not lazy...and not a loser..you have a chronic illness that makes you feel lousy..and saps your energy...and makes life as you knew it disappear! And yet our spouses ...have a tough time accepting that..and often WE have a tough time accepting it as well!

    YOU may not be able to work like you did in the past..ever again. But that doesn't mean that you can't get well enough to do something work wise...But you are going to have to make major adjustments..as is your husband...to your health and it's limitations.

    If you still haven't read the spoon theory..please do...Just google "the spoon theory" and you will find it. It explains how we only get so many spoons per day..and how they get used up...it is a great way to have someone understand what you go thru daily.

    I was dx'd 4 years ago..and there are times my husband is wonderful about it all...but there are times where having a sick wife overwhelms him..and he longs for what used to be...and what things we used to dream together...But I always think..how would I handle this if HE were the sick one.....that helps me make sense of it all!

    So , please, don't beat yourself up..you didn't ask to have this. Get educated about your illness..and share what you learn with your husband..have him come to the doctor with you..if you have a good supportive doctor that is. If you don't ..FIND ONE! There are some meds you can try to help you feel better...good pain meds to help you deal with the pain...the fluish feeling sometimes just will come and go. With me the more I get my pain under control..the less I feel like I have the flu!

    I hope you can work out your life so you can feel good about yourself...and that your husband turns out to be a great support for you!
  9. dononagin

    dononagin New Member

    gosh.. I so know how your feel... hugs
  10. myjoy

    myjoy New Member

    You gals are great! All this caring stuff is overwhelming!

    My husband is understanding (to a point), but I don't think he has quite gotten there yet. He did go with me to my last dr's visit. The doctor did explain a lot to him.
    With the ocd/depression stuff I've lived with for 20+ years, his job has been to get me moving, so as not to dwell on things.

    This FMS is new and different (not so new for me, but for him). Now I need to rest more, and I think he's scared it's bad for me.

    Thank you, thank you for all the uplifting words. You guys so understand what I'm going through. I had a heart to heart with my 24yr old daughter the other day, and she's starting to 'get it' too.

    Hope I can be of help to you folks too!

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