SPOUSES THAT LEAVE

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by fibolady, Feb 6, 2003.

  1. fibolady

    fibolady New Member

    every once in a while a post will pop up where another spouse has left, it is always a blow and shock to "us" (remember my spouse and i are divorcing after 23 years) that our mates don't love us anymore.

    mine will never admit that fms had anything to do with it, but believe me, it had everything to do with it and he was a coward not to put any effort into changing our pattern of doing things. like the old cow staying on the same trail.

    i am writing this because i was furious yesterday and cried my eyes out all day of my "lost" life with ex, but now maybe i can help one person out there, i will feel better. that is what we are here for. most everyone else surely doesn't "get it".

    ok, first of all, i was the type a personality that did everything for everybody. supermom. then when fms hit hard and some of the responsibilites had to be sheltered by the spouse, this caused tension. if this causes tension, there should be a big red flag, your spouse, should NOT feel this way, remember it is in sickness and health. does your spouse ever "offer up" any assistance in doing household chores. i always had to ask, looking back, during my long flares, he should have asked me, what can i do honey to help!!

    maybe if your spouse goes to doctor's apptments, reads material on fms/cfs, goes to a support meeting it will help. i am sorry to say mine would only go to one doctor's apptment and just rolled his eyes and said what a jerk my doctor was. when i asked him to go to counseling ( i had been going for 8 months) it was too late, he already wanted out.

    we could start a whole "sex topic" thread again, but let's just say that if your spouse isn't up to trying new things there will really be a problem down the road. like i said, seems mine was the old cow on the same old trail.

    all in all, fms/cfs makes you look at your life (and your spouse if you are married) in a completely different light. you don't stay on the same path you were once on, you go down many paths in many directions. i hope your spouse is willing to follow you, but if not, just remember, you weren't the first. it happened to me and i wouldn't have believed it in a million years seven years ago (when fms hit the worse).

    the best part is, i am doing better now and hopefully will continue too. maybe my spouse was the biggest stressor in my life!!! i will have to make a new life for myself, that is scary, but i have read where others have too, and that is the support we need to keep giving one another.

    have a wonderful day,
    warm regards, fibolady




    [This Message was Edited on 02/07/2003]
    [This Message was Edited on 02/07/2003]
  2. scottabir

    scottabir New Member

    Years ago before CFS/Fm were discovered and long before My Mom was diagnosed My Dad left her. He always said (and still does) that he was tired of her complaining and she always played the victim. He said this because she was sick yet the doctors couldn't find anything (until now FM/CFS). When my Dad found out that I was diagnosed with it, he did all the same to me. He has shunned me out of his life and said I just want attention. When I was 18 I my highschool BF and I decided to get engaged (thankfully never married). Right about that time is when I started getting really sick and could no longer work. Well, needless to say he left.

    Now, I am married to a wonderful man who knew from day one that being with me would not be an easy ride. He is always willing to cook, clean, feed the animals, do laundry, and even give me massages! On top of it all he works 55 hours per week and is a full time student. I don't know how he does it, but I know I have been truly blessed. I feel so guilty when I am unable to perform regular tasks and ask him to do them. I guess what I am getting at is that there are some compassionate men out there thankfully. I had almost given up on the male race at that time.

    My Mom too is remarried to a man who supports and helps her.

    You would think that when you need support the most your family would be there, I guess some people are just too self-centered though. I wish all of you the best in your lives who have had such unfortunate ciecumstances happen.

    Abi
  3. dan0248

    dan0248 New Member

    Hey when I can get a little time I'd like to share with you about how it feels to be the male part of this equation and you have the FM. It's sounds the close to the same way, my wife the other day was watching me and when i got one of my spasms that hit you with out any warning and she watched me try and control the pain with out letting on to anyone else that i hurt like HELL. She asked if it's going to get worse and what should she look for, would she have to take care of me and wipe my rear for me. It goes both ways is what I'm getting at. i will try to get back to you this weekend everyone is spliting and running out of town my to see my EX wife and wife to spend the weekend with my step aughter and her new daughter, so I'll bee free I hope we are suppose to have an open house. Got to run.
  4. bluebirder

    bluebirder New Member

    I am not sure what will happen here. The relationship was already stressed before I found out I have Fibromyalgia. Early in diagnosis stage still. Many smyptoms that back it up and 14 of 18 tender spots when the Dr examined me.

    Hubby is controlling and manipulative. He is spoiled rotten brat right now. Kind of like a kid unwilling to share (it's all mine type) with me the right to touch the money in the bank, use credit cards etc.. He has told me as much with lines like "you are the one sick....they aren't my bills or my responsibility...Don't touch MY account..Go get a job and pay half the bills if you want new clothes....." etc etc etc.

    My car is sitting in the garage with a broken side mirror and unpaid insurance. He won't let me drive his. He has the checkbook and the charge cards and hides them. Gets upset if he's coming down the hall and I happen to come from the other way.I just don't understand this attitude. Marriage should be a partnership where each one puts the others wellbeing above their own.

    I worked so hard on this yard before getting to the point I can't keep up with it all. I don't want to loose it. I want our relationship to improve. I wish we could go for counseling together and learn to work with each other instead of tearing each other down. I am tired of hurting without his support both emotional and financial.

    What to do ,,,,,What to dooo......
  5. Fairyeyes

    Fairyeyes New Member

    I have to just sit here and nod my head in agreement on the things you have experienced. No matter what my spouse says, I do feel a lot of the crazy sh#t he puts me through , is really because of the chronic pain that I AM DEALING WITH . I 've told mine countless times that the sort of stress he throws at me is only going to hurt me, and him, really, because I take care of a lot of stuff, but when I can't I can't. He himself has even said something to the effect but his actions do not reflect his words.

    I think it is very sad, indeed. I am truly not sure what I will be doing, but it cannot be the same way it is right now.

    keep in touch with me.
    I would like to encourage you to feel that you are great.
    I am great, too, but I have gotten sidetracked, and need to FEEL like I am great enough again, for whatever is there . Got away from my destiny somehow.
  6. Fairyeyes

    Fairyeyes New Member

    and I wanted to add something my Mom has said to me before, "In most states, this would be considered mental cruelty."

    and,
    a healthy couple should not be competing, but working as a team. I can see that now.

    I am glad to see there are others like me, and I think we can be of a help to each other, and encourage one another. I already feel vindicated, and I am thankful to each of you who are posting.

    I see my share in the codependency, and how I am ENABLING if I keep on in the way I have been.
    something has got to change. I'm going to start with me, that much I know for sure.
  7. pepper

    pepper New Member

    I could have written your post, fibolady, as well as somre of the others here. My husband told me a few weeks ago that there are two doors in this house, a front door and a back door, and if I didn't like the way he treated me I could choose one. Well, I decided to "take a break" and went to stay with my sister for a couple of weeks. As each day passed I felt better and better being away from the stress I live with every day.

    I spoke to a lawyer while I was away. I don't know what to do - I am so exhausted all the time and it would be so exhausting to find another place and move as well as going through another divorce! My 18 yr old is having serious problems and putting him through this right now I don't think would be the right thing to do.

    But I don't know how much longer I can live like this! My husband is retired and spends his days "playing" - golf, bridge, the gym, going out with friends, stretched out in front of the TV or sleeping. If I ask him to do one little thing like empty the dishwasher he gets so angry. It usually takes him a couple of days to get around to doing anything - if he does it at all.

    Our house is in chaos all the time. I can't imagine having it on the market. We would have to move out first. It is like having a 2 yr old around having him here all day. If I tidy up a room it is usually messy before I get back to it.

    Sorry to go on but I am so discouraged and disappointed and I see that I am not alone. I welcome the support here. It looks like the marriage I thought was made in heaven is going in the other direction.

    Pepper
  8. slopok8225

    slopok8225 New Member

    Hi everyone! My name is Jim and I have just been diagnosed withs FMS/CFS and PTSD! I have apparently had these problems since late 1990 when I was injured in the Gulf war. But of houndreds of doctors no one figured it out untill last week. Any ways I have suffered and can't hold down a job for long and haven't been able too for many years now. I have a hard time concentrateting and getting organized around the house, so house work doesnt get done very often. Well you all know the long story so here is my end of it. I have been with "Janet" for 12 years now and she has had to put up with my ("Laziness,stupid child like forgetfulness, increasingly irritability around others, crying/whining all the time from pain, inability to work, etc.")She just roles her eyes now! She over time has given up on me and fell out of love with me. In her words those were alot of the reasons. I have tried to get her to understand that I have no control over how I feel and that I dont not do house work because I dont want too but because I cant organize long enough to get it done and it hurts. I would always tell her just tell me exactly what you want me to do and I will. She would say "I shouldn't have to babysit you" Well she has found a new man on the internet and he has come out a couple times now and spent time with her. I am still here in the same house trying my hardest to get money to move out. Well I cant work enough to get the money. VA and SSDI take soooo darn long. I am going insane seeing her and loving her soo much and not being able to be part of her love anymore I sometimes feel I would be bettr off dead. I know its not true and I wouldn't go that far because of my children. I just needed to get this out and I appologize for going on and on. But I could write more for hrs just because it never ends.

    If any one has any legal info about SSDI and or VA. ie; whether they look at FMS and CFS as a Major Disability and where i can get legal help please send anything you have to slopok8225@msn.com Subject: FMS help
    PS. I live in New Mexico if that helps!

    Thanks and I will write more I'm sure. I know I fall into a small group being a 34 year old male but we are all still suffering from same !
  9. Dayle

    Dayle New Member

    can be especially to those they promised to love & honour. However. I would say that if you think it thru you will find that you need to decide if you are better off with that spouse or without them. Dr. Phill has the right idea he claims that you can"t change your spouse that you can only change your reaction to them. In some cases it may help but from what I've read these people just want out. In general I would classify them as weak, & spineless. As we all know that trials are part of life & either they make you stronger or they destroy you. Personally my trials have made me stronger & more caring. To bad there are so many out there that want to stay like spoiled children all their lives. They think they can walk away from problems, but it comes to all of us sooner or later. One day each of us will have to face adversity & those who have the inner strength & faith in God will be much better off than the slacker who thought the world owed them something. I'll be praying that all your spouses might have a change of heart for your sake & for theirs. HUGS! FROM Dayle