Steaming mad at my mom

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by lenasvn, Dec 2, 2006.

  1. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    I have found out that my son has Sensory Integration Disorder and will get diagnosed soon, possibly with ADD. I haven't mentioned much to my mom back home about all the stuff going on over here since there have bee so much both here and over there, and my son is overall a sweet and loving guy and that's all that matters!

    Anyways, I sent her an email today and told her about it, and see and behold: she blamed me for it! She said I look around to much for "problems" and that I "reflect my own problems upon my children".

    HUH? WHAT is up with THAT? I was so upset I couldn't believe it? I have enough batteling doctors, society overall about haveing a DD like CFS. My mom is old and is not knowledgeable about the latest research about FM and CFS at all. Sher doesn't know it's most possibly hereditary for once.

    She doesn't know that SID is possibly also hereditary. I had it as a child (I know now after reading it on behalf of my son, my psychiatrist verified it yesterday), but I was blamed as a child for my "odd behavior (SID) when groweing up.) Now this.

    Of course I wrote her back right away and said that she could NOT blas\me me since I wasn't aware there was a problem until teachers started venting about the problems they observed in school. He even had an assistant in 1st grade. I guess we can blame me for that, right.

    Gosh I sure need to vent! My mom seems to think I am nutty for some reason, batteling CFS and other issues. Wouldn't she know better, having FM? Maybe it's old age, maybe it is that I know everything is not allright upstairs with her (not in a bad way, but we have noticed this, me and my sis and bro, subtle, but still).

    Guys, what to do??? I love my mom to death, but I need to be able to taslk about everything freely. I need my mommy,,,,LOL! She can look back and apologize, she is not all bad, but she have gotten this idea about me, this hurts me really bad. I tend to taslk about mediciene and psychology alot because it's my main passion, maybe she misunderstand it??

    HUGS to all!
  2. ksp56

    ksp56 Member

    Moms! I hear you! LOL

    I love mine too! Unfortunately, that doesn't mean she understands, or trys to, my health. I think because she is a super achiever, and while I've been no slug, still hasn't hit 'the target.' I am fifty, and happy with myself.

    Still, what she says makes me mad, but hurts me also. I've heard the mother-daughter relationship, is one of the toughest to navigate, especially when we are very close to our moms.

    What has worked for me, is to tell her how I am feeling and if she talks about her arthritis, etc., I completely shut down the conversation, about my health. In fact, unless if I absolutely have to tell her I'm feeling bad, I don't.

    I know she worries about me, because she mentions it, and how tired I always look. Maybe being our moms, makes them feel helpless because they can't fix or change this?

    By the way, my mom has decided she has fibro. I totally agree, but there are differences in degrees of this DD, I think. She sleeps much better than me. So you would think they would be more understanding! They are not raising children either! Makes a big difference!

    I don't know if I helped, but I do understand your frustration!

    You and your son will be in my prayers! Lots of stress in your life at this time, you don't need more!


    [This Message was Edited on 12/02/2006]
  3. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    Thanks, Kim! Any prairs would be appreciated! You are probably right, mother and daughter relationships are difficult, even if you really love each other!

  4. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    I think your mom freaked because she has got it in her mind that your behavior as a child was not due to some physicological problem. She would like to think it was just "you". That way, she doesn't have to take any "blame".

    Now, with your son having similar problems, she is faced with the possibility that it could be something genetic and she could have given it to you, and you have a son with the same thing.

    It is easier and far less stressful for her to just blame it on you.

    I'd cut back on talking to her about medicine and psychology because this is probably giving her the idea that you exaggerate and cause things that are avoidable.

    My son was ADD. it is not a death sentence. You will have to get counseling to find ways that "work" for his learning style. Many ADD and ADHD children are VERY bright. The key is to realize that they may learn in a very different style.

    he should probably be tested to figure out whether he is a hands-on learner, a visual learner, or an auditory learner. Usually, they have one strong preference with a secondary back-up. This will affect his learning style.

    My son graduated from a prestigious Ivy League School with a double major in engineering. He was also a National Merit Scholar and won numerous national competitions and college scholarships.

    When a child is young, the wonderful thing is that you are made aware of the issue and can help the child acclimate. You find alternative learning techniques that help the child compensate.

    Consider joining a parent support group for parents of hyperactive children. There will be plenty of ADD children associated with this group. it will give you an outlet and a plethora of good information.
  5. atiledsner

    atiledsner New Member

    move on. I had to battle everyone when my daughter was sick. I was told by her father she was a hypocondriac.She could have died if I didn't stood up for here.

    Some people just don't have the knowledge to respond in an approiate way. So consider the source and decide if you want to spend any more time, money, or energy on this.

    Yes we all want and need our Mommy, but sometimes Mom just can't be what we need at the time. I wouldn't even talk about subjects to her that she upsets you.

    I would find another passion to share with her.Just my thoughts.
  6. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    Thank you, good points. I think the guilt part is true. i had severe problems as a child. The learning problems were bad, my mom was asked to have me evaluated, she declined. I was constantly blamed as a child (by my parents) for my brumpy appearance, for misunderstanding facial expressions, for having low self confidence and on and on. No support.

    It was shoved under the carpet. Now, my son has the same problems, my older 15 year old di too, he even displayed slight Asperger's but didn't quite meet the criteria when someone finally agrred to look into it. I too think it's guilt. I still have problems because it was never takern care of, in the work place, in relations everywhere. I will do everything in my power to make sure my son has all the tools to pull thru life despite the issues at hand!!

    I have been doing some thinking and am quite dissapointed in my mom, I never expected anything like this from her. She have said many times before that there's no use to dig in the past. I think there's no use ignoring the past either, especially if it needs to be released or resolved for someone else and to discover hereditary issues or other stuff.

    I will seek support and I have started the process for my son, he will see his ped. on Dec. 21st, so we will dicuss referals and the like. The schools help team is already involved and have fun talk times with Matthew. Matthew is a hands-on kid, I was too. text books made no sense to me, they were just a blur. I was highly intelligent, with very low grades in most subjects. In my spare time I studied geography (in Latin!) and Medical Science already at age 6. They called me the little professor,,,LOL!

    My son studies SpongeBob SquarePants,,,,LOL,,LOL!
    [This Message was Edited on 12/02/2006]
  7. zerosb3

    zerosb3 New Member

    about your problems with your Mom. I'm sure you would like to talk with her about your children and that she should be there for support.

    I did not always have a good relationship with my mother. Things changed by the time I was 8 years old. I was doing homework at night, cooking supper for 1 brother and 2 sisters, all younger than me. By the time I entered my teens, I was still doing the same things while she worked at nights and my Dad was out drinking and playing poker. I was a good kid, but if I didn't get everything done, my mother would threatened to send me to reform school. The whole time I was in high school, I was not allowed to date, or go out with friends, or spend the night at someone else's house.

    Then I got married at 18. At 23, I had my first son and my mother was just thrilled...until my sister had her first child and then it was like mine no longer existed. Then I had my 2nd son and all was right with the world again...Till my sister had her second child. Then my youngest sister had her first child, and you would have thought that baby boy was made out of gold. And then my youngest sister had a baby girl, and from that date on, her children were the apple of my mother's eye. They got gifts for no apparent reason, while none of the other children got anything. Finally the time came when she actually borrowed money to buy them something that was about $500 each. It wasn't Christmas, it wasn't a birthday, just because she loved them so much.

    By that time, I had already stopped seeing her because I didn't want my children to be hurt because she was so blatant with her favoritism. Finally, even all phone calls stopped for 2 years. Then out of the blue one day, I answered the phone and it was her. She was crying and asked if I would please talk to her and I said yes.

    She never said she was sorry, it was never brought up why we stopped talking. But not long afterwards, it finally occured to me that she was't going to change, she was set in her ways, and that if I wanted to have a relationship with her, I would have to accept her just as she was. She was about my age when that happened. I'm 56 now.

    My mom and I were wonderful friends from that time on. There were times when I would have to back off from certain issues and times when I would let stuff just go in one ear and out the other. My mom died 5 years ago at the age of 70 and I still miss her.

    Am I saying that you shouldn't be angry with your mother? Absolutely not!!! But if she can't or won't support you, then you need support from elsewhere. This board is a wonderful place to vent or a shoulder to cry on, and to get support from others. If there's a support group for your son's illness in your town, I would go check it out.

    I want to say one other thing and I hope you won't take it the wrong way. It sounds as if your son's illness is going to take a lot of your energy. I think someone else has already suggested talking to your mother about neutral things rather than things that may upset you and I agree with that. You don't have the energy to expend right now.

    Sorry this is so long. I'll keep you in my prayers. Please let us know how things are going.
  8. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    You are right, my mother won't change. I will have to adapt my ways and the way I interact with her.

    The truth will proove itself eventually when treatment by professionals shows improvement in my son despite the assumed by my mom negative effects in the home enviroment.

    Thank you for taking the time to write.

  9. MamaR

    MamaR New Member

    Hi there! I haven't been here in a long time. I have missed you all. But, my hubby went through ankle surgery and I haven't had time to visit.

    Sweetie..I am sorry that your mom makes you feel like this. But, it is like anyone that can't understand where we are with these diseases. And, when you are faced with situations like this with your son you need to talk about it. I know you need your mom to at least try to understand. But, you can aways find help here.

    I never had a close relationship with my I always shut so much inside of myself. I still do this today. But, my hubby is so good to me. He tries to understand. But, unless they feel what we do they can't understand.

    I have missed everyone here, but, I just don't have time or I am in too much pain to come on. Maybe soon I will be around more often. I think of you all often.