Stressed Out How do I cope with mom and my CFS??

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Empower, Aug 15, 2006.

  1. Empower

    Empower New Member

    My mom has dementia and calls me NUMEROUS times a day. Since she has started to get bad, my fatigue has greatly increased, and I don't think it is a coincidence.

    How do I deal with her constant calling and maintain my sanity and what little health I have??

    I have even gone so far as taking the phone off the hook.

    She is in Skilled Nursing right now and hates it and we are putting her into a BEAUTIFUL nursing facility

    I hope this will help her
  2. suzetal

    suzetal New Member

    I took care of my sick Mom And Dad for 7 yrs.

    When Dad passed I had no choice but to put Mom in a home.It was a very nice one in the country.

    She was legally blind and an amputee also had cancer.I felt so bad I hated doing it.I got sicker as time went by.

    Her doctor told me that she was having a blast at the home making new friends and playing all kinds of games.Thats not what mom told me.

    After having a long talk with her doctor we decided together that I should only see her every other day.Plus (I know this sounds cruel but it was not)we had the phone set up so she could only receive calls no outgoing calls.

    Family members all knew we did this so everyone picked a day to call her.It was the best idea the doctor came up with.You see she would call me at least 10 times a day and at times when I was working she would call me on the job.Than she would do the same to another family member.I am sorry to say but it did get on my nerves .It just had to be done.

    Thats why we made that change in phone service.I no longer felt guilty.

    Mom has since passed away.I miss her dearly but I know I did the right thing for the both of us.

    Hugs>>>>FOR EVERY DAY A NEW DAWN WILL COME>>>>>>Sue
  3. sascha

    sascha Member

    your mother in dementia-

    but your situation really struck a chord. i have cfids and recently wound up taking care of my ill aunt's needs. she was having such a hard time at home,and i kept dropping everything to do things for her; go over and help out. then we took her to the hospital and waited for hours until they transferred her from urgent care to a room. she was there for over a week. i ran errands and waited at the hospital and took care of her cat and apartment and talked with doctors, etc.

    then i crashed most horribly. got very sick myself. i was in a dreadful physical and emotional condition. i got her daughters to come. when my aunt went home, one of the daughters stayed with her. i just stayed away because i needed to recover. i made it clear to everyone that i couldn't do this anymore- the taking care of my aunt.

    when i picked up a daughter at the airport, the first of two things on a list i gave her was to get city agencies involved to provide support for my aunt. she didn't do it.

    the second daughter came, and the same thing occurred. she didn't find any help to come in for my aunt.

    it has been over five weeks with nothing done although i made it very clear this was needed. now i'm right back in position of being the 'go-to' person.

    I CANNOT DO IT. i totally lose my life over it- get sick, stay in bed, get so messed up it's pitiful.

    my son and i will work on city agencies. but i can often do so little in a day, that this,a gain will take over my life. it takes all my energy and thought and intent to just keep myself on track.

    it drives me crazy BUT i realize i truly cannot do it. so i think that's the thing to realize for you. let your mother call and leave messages, maybe. then talk to her at end of day. i know it's so hard on you. but you cannot manage much with cfids, and if demands are too great, you will crash and that doesn't work for anyone. there must be a way to sort it out. can a doctor advise you??

    it was comforting to read someone is going through what i'm going through (in a way)! thanks for posting- post again! best, sascha
  4. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Empower yourself! Yes, take the phone off the hook if you need to at certain times a day. Mine always is off between 12:30 and around 3 p.m. Friends know and leave messages or call before or after.

    You're feeling guilty and I understand but you have done all you know how to do for your mother and are doing more. If she were "herself" she wouldn't want to stress you out, would she? Regardless, you are the boss of you, as my young son used to say. You're doing the right thing for your mother; now do what you need to do for yourself.

    Marta
  5. Tired~and~in~Pain

    Tired~and~in~Pain New Member

    By all means, please, for your own sake, listen to the others, and take back the controll of your life!
    This isn't being mean to your mom, not at all!

    I think it's an excellent suggestion that someone made, to take your phone off the hook, for certain periods os time, or, just let the answering machine pick up, just turn the volume down so you aren't tempted to pick it up!

    I am 55 years old, and haved lived next to my parents for the past 11 years. I moved here, to help them out, after both mom and dad had colon cancer.
    My dad passed away 3 years ago, then I was left to take care of my mom, who had developed dementia, a bad heart, diabeties, high blood pressure, and VERY demanding! She flat out refused to go into a home!

    I was diagnosed with Fibro, CFS and Lupus, about 6 years ago. It wasn't to bad at first, I could prety much deal with the pain and fatigue. But, after taking care of my mom, until she just passed away last March, those 3 years have really made my diseaes so much worse, that now, I can hardly function!

    We even hired caregivers to come in, so that I could take some breaks, but mom still wanted me there, or to run to the stores for her, or to go with her to the MANY ER visits for her congestive heart failure. She was on Oxygen, 24/7, and took 4 nebulizer treatments a day. Plus, (hard to believe) but, about 30 different pills a day. I was in charge of filling her pill casses each week, and typing up a schedule for all of her meds!
    Mom passed away last March. I have 3 older sisters, and we are trying to settle up moms estate, so that my husband and me can move out of this old, moldy house!

    Now I am so ill, I am very discouraged. But today, a catalog came from this site, which I had forgotten all about, and decided to come on here, to see if I can find some help for myself.

    When I saw your post, I just has to reply! Please, do yourself a favor, and take care of yourself now! I didn't, and now I'm in a really bad way.

    Don't let yourself feel guilty, if you take time for yourself! I would hate to see you end up feeling as bad as I do.

    Blessings to you and your mom,
    Linda

    [This Message was Edited on 08/15/2006]
  6. Empower

    Empower New Member

    You really understand!

    And Tired and in Pain , welcome!