Suggestions PLEASE!

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by virgobuddy, Nov 9, 2002.

  1. virgobuddy

    virgobuddy New Member

    I think I am on the downswing of CFS after over two years of not having much of a life. My dilemma is that I met a nice, attractive man I'm interested in who is very physically active. Along with the CFS, I was in three rear-end accidents last year. I told him about back and neck being sore from time to time, but I'm just not sure if and when I should tell him about the CFS. The last time I met someone and told him everything on about our third date, he never called again even though he was ultra-attentive and seemingly interested up to that point. I know I need to tell him sometime, but is waiting a few months such a bad idea??? Feedback, please. Thanks.
    Annie
  2. virgobuddy

    virgobuddy New Member

    I think I am on the downswing of CFS after over two years of not having much of a life. My dilemma is that I met a nice, attractive man I'm interested in who is very physically active. Along with the CFS, I was in three rear-end accidents last year. I told him about back and neck being sore from time to time, but I'm just not sure if and when I should tell him about the CFS. The last time I met someone and told him everything on about our third date, he never called again even though he was ultra-attentive and seemingly interested up to that point. I know I need to tell him sometime, but is waiting a few months such a bad idea??? Feedback, please. Thanks.
    Annie
  3. karen55

    karen55 New Member

    Hi Annie,
    My opinion is that the sooner you tell him, the better off you will both be. If he is going to be worth your trouble, he will try to be understanding about it and will be interested enough to learn more about it, and how this affects you, and how it would affect the two of you as a couple, or your possible relationship. I can understand why you are afraid to talk to him about it, especially given your prior experience with being honest about this, but look at it this way: If you wait until you are both very involved and you tell him and he freaks out about it, or decides it's not something he can deal with, especially if it begins to affect your relationship at some point, it will be more painful for both of you. There are people out there who are either too selfish to deal with these kinds of problems that others have, or are ignorant and just don't have a clue, or are afraid themselves of the impact it would/could have on their own lives. And if he is one of those and would end up leaving you over it, you are much better off knowing this now, before you get very emotionally involved. Another thing to consider is, if he's such an active person, would you be able to "keep up" with him? Or would you end up spending a lot of time alone, at home, while he's out doing his own thing?
    There ARE caring people out there, but I think you should be honest with him from the beginning. If it works out between the two of you, I think he will appreciate your honesty.
    [This Message was Edited on 11/10/2002]
  4. achy

    achy New Member

    If you had cancer what would you do? I feel sooner is better than later...don't waste your time and energy on a guy who's not able to handle it.
    I hope it works out
    Achy
  5. virgobuddy

    virgobuddy New Member

    Thanks for the advice. I know it's the right thing to do. My reluctance came not only from my past experience, but from his story about the cause of his divorce...he said "SHe was 40 going on 70. All she wanted to do was stay home and garden and take care of the house. We used to do so many things together..." Now I'm wondering if maybe he's a jerk and she just didn't want to be with him! (Ha ha). Anyway, thanks again. Have a nice Sunday.
    Annie
  6. karen2002

    karen2002 New Member

    Yes, you should tell him. We must always represent ourselves as who we are. We must always understand that openness and honesty are the basis on which good relationships are made.
    If someone does not accept you as you are, then they were not the right person for you to begin with. You deserve the very best, and a few of those attributes happen to be a caring, concerned, helpmate.
    Best wishes,
    Karen
  7. klutzo

    klutzo New Member

    HI Virgo, Pisces here! I feel a man has no right to any personal info like this on the first date. But, if he asks you out again, tell him. Why waste time and energy on someone who is not up to the job? By your description of his reasons for divorce, I see a major incompatibility problem already, so why torture yourself. Do you really want someone who won't let you be yourself, who will drag you out to do things when you're dead exhausted by making you feel guilty if you don't, and who will undoubtedly, after this has gone on for ahwile, make your condition worse? What most of us with these DD's need is the type of person he describes his ex-wife to be....someone who is content to have a simple, quiet life. Sorry if I seem harsh, but the longer you drag it out, the more hurt you may be, and I know you have enough pain to deal with already.
    Hugs,
    Klutzo
  8. virgobuddy

    virgobuddy New Member

    Klutzo:
    The points you brought up about his ex-wife were my exact thoughts as I heard the words come out of his mouth. I even said, "Gee, maybe I remind you too much of your ex already! Oh well, at least we can still be friends!" You should have seen the look on his face! He's very attractive, 6'7" and appears to be very self-assured. I could easily be smitten, but I'm not...especially after the story about his ex. Thanks for your response. It's nice to gain some consensus when I wonder if I'm losing my mind.
    Have a great Sunday. I'm going outside to do some light chores before it snows again.
    Annie
  9. sofy

    sofy New Member

    He may be a jerk or a really nice guy, who knows. A jerk to one can be the cats meow to another. I wouldn't want to be judged by one or two of my casual remarks and think he deserves good thoughts until actions prove him unworthy. As to telling all: I disagree with the above. Certainly you need to tell all at a certain point but at this point you are only on very casual terms. I would give it a little more line and see where it goes. When you are not up to vigorous activity tell him. He doesn't need to know if it is due to the accident or whatever. The fact that you cannot always do is enough. If he isn't able to adjust then cross him off your list but telling him right off could scare off the nicest person who doesn't even know how capable of caring they can be. For myself I am often not able to do much of anything but would never be too tired for making whoopie and that could make up for a lot. I certainly wouldn't advertise this right off. Give him the benefit of the doubt and see him a few more time to see what happens.
  10. virgobuddy

    virgobuddy New Member

    Your counterpoint affirmed my initial thoughts on when to tell all. HOWEVER, I talked to him on the phone for a long time yesterday afternoon and decided to seize what felt like an opportune moment and tell him about the CFS. He listened, then made a light joke, and the conversation shifted to making plans to meet for dinner. SO FAR SO GOOD! He seems to be compassionate and caring yet not sympathetic, which to me is the best reaction I could've received at this point. The real test will come if and when I have a "bad day" and I'm not my normal charming self. Hopefully I'll never have another "bad day", but if I do and I'm unable to hibernate as I currently choose as my preferred method of (not) dealing with people which allows me to avoid unneccessary expenditure of my energy explaining, feeling guilty, and then feeling like a loser for not hibernating in the first place, then he'll see that side of me and we'll have to deal with it at that time.