teenage son

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by pasara, Aug 19, 2008.

  1. pasara

    pasara New Member

    i just found out my teenage son has been stealing money out of my bank account! actually it it the account that primarily my husband (his stepfather) uses (though my son did not know that specifically, he used my cash card. i don't think he thought about it one way or the other.

    i don't know what to do!
    i feel so angry and hurt.

    has anybody here gone through this?
  2. sisland

    sisland New Member

    My middle gal lifted a $20 bill from a gals purse when she was about 16,,,,,I took her up to the police station and had them talk to her ,,,also she had to return the money and apologize to the gal,,,,,,,,,,,

    Then she had to go to a thing called peer court ,,,which was ran by other teens that had done the same thing but now were there to help other teens through the situation,,,,,it was cool ,,,a judge and a jury,,,,,the whole 9 yards!,,,,,,,They made her return the Money and do the apologie

    She never did it again!!,,,,,,,,,Hope this helps!,,,,,,i think having the cop talk to her and tell her what the consequences Could be ,,,,,did the most good!,,,,,,,,Sis
  3. kellyann

    kellyann New Member

    Yes Pasara,
    My son robs me blind! He is always stealing from me. He has a problem with drugs and can't keep a job. He stole a $100.00 bill out of my purse one time.

    Once he came over and I told him I didn't have any money to give him, so when I wasn't looking he swiped 2 of my purebred yorkie puppies and took off with them. I did recover one of the puppys' at the pet shop in town the next day, but one of the pups was never recovered. This made me just sick to my stomach that my own son could do this to me.

    I could write you a list a mile long of all the stuff my son has stolen from me. I have been tempted to put him in jail several times for it, but then I don't since I'm his mom, I guess.

    I hope you find a way to put a stop to your son's stealing before it gets way out of hand like my son.

    Best wishes
  4. pasara

    pasara New Member

    thanks for your replies. yes, i am very worried. my son is definitely not remorseless. he is full of guilt about what he has done, but then again...not ever enough that he in the end changed his behavior. i don't want to be in denial, but i think deep down i understand why he did it. i mean, i don't think he should have or anything, i just understand, and it is confusing. basically he is very aware of our money situation and my stress and health issues, so he was afraid to ask for money when he felt he needed it. his friends come from much wealthier families than we, and i think there is an element of peer pressure. he wanted to be able to have the social life his friends do. it is not an excuse, but i get it. i think this is what confuses me.

    now this...

    my husband was so angry he left the house last night. i thought he just needed to cool off and we could discuss things and figure out what to do. but when he finally came home around ten o'clock he didn't even say hello to me. and this morning before going out he said, "i don't know what you're going to do with your son,..." he didn't even call him by his name, he only would say "your son" and then he said that he would not live under the same roof as him, and if he didn't go - he doesn't care where - that he (my husband) would move out!

    i understand he is very mad, and that my son is not his son, but i would never ask anyone to choose between me or their child! my son is not an angel, but he is not a bad kid. he has done things typical of other teenage boys. his own father (my ex) rejected him for his new wife and family. that is when things started to go bad for my son. i am angry and will not be duped by him again, but i also cannot turn my back on him. i think then things would really go down hill. i feel he needs to have the opportunity to work to redeem the situation and our trust.

    i don't know how to respond to this!
  5. sisland

    sisland New Member

    What To Do!,,,,,,I'm no exspert,,,,but it seems that your Husband should stand by you and Help work these problems out with your Son!,after all He knew you had a Son when you Married!,,,

    You Not giving up on your Son is a really Good Thing!!,,,like you say,,,It would only make things worse for Him attachment wise and other wise,,,,,,,,,,,If it were me i would make an appointment with a Family Therapist,,,,,,Goodluck!!,,,,,,Sis
  6. boltchik

    boltchik New Member

    I am sorry that you and your family are going through a rough spot right now. I think that you are right that you should not be given an ultimatum to chose your son or your husband, but that may all change when things calm down. I am the stepmom of a 17 yr. old son, my husband being his father. And yes, he has put us through some trying "teenage" times. And I am sure my two younger children will put us through some trying teenage times, don't they all? (Didn't we?) I think what happened with your son has happened to many parents, and though it is not right what your son did, I am sure you would rather get him counseling or some kind of help and that the extra conflict you are getting from your husband is making it harder on you.

    When you and your husband got married, I bet he let you know that he accepted your son and that he loved him. Maybe your husband is just being irrational right now because he is so angry. Hopefully he will calm down. Does he usually do things with your son and treat him like a son? And I am sure it is even harder on your son right now because his real Dad is not there for him, he may benefit from being able to talk to someone about that situation.

    You say your son is a good kid and that this is the first time he has done something like this? Well, we all know that stealing is wrong and peer pressure can be hell on kids, so if he is remorseful, maybe this is a one-time thing and can be resolved. Maybe he made a mistake and will learn from it. Hopefully it will not continue or is not drug-related, which you did not mention ,(so hopefully it's not). I think he does need to suffer the consequences of his actions and I am sure you have been thinking of ways for him to pay it back, a punishment and even taking him to someone to be talked to about it is a good idea, as was suggested. This is all just my humble opinion and I bet that others here will give you good advice, as some already have.

    I feel for you, the teenage years are very trying. I bet your family could get through this with some counseling if your husband continues to feel resentment towards your son. I pray that you, your son and your husband are able to talk things out and come to a resolution. Keep us updated. Hugs, Kim :)

    [This Message was Edited on 08/20/2008]
  7. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    I'm so sorry that you're going through this but what your husband said was WRONG!!!

    Many years ago when I married my husband I told him that if it ever came to a choice between the two, he's out. I thought it was kind of mean, but he respected me for being the kind of Mom who would never choose between my kids and him. Whew...

    I'd like to know what your son spent the money on...how are his grades? What are these kids like?

    He needs to be taught that we're all different, those kids might have more money, but trying to be like them is not right.

    Does he have a part time job? If not, he needs one to pay you back plus interest for every penny that he stole.

    Change your pin number, cancel the card...

    I know you might 'understand' why he did this but don't let that stop you from doing the right thing so he learns that his behavior was unacceptable.


  8. pasara

    pasara New Member

    thanks again everyone.
    well, I came up with a plan for the consequences that i hope is the right thing. after a couple long conversations with him over the last couple days talking about life, ethics, what kind of a man he wants to be, etc, i came up with the following:

    He has two options.

    Option 1:
    -He can go to school, his afterschool sport soccer, and work. I need proof that he is there, which will mean I will be talking to his coach and his boss to come up with the logistics of this. He is otherwise grounded. Nowhere else. His friends may visit now and then with permission and during the day, not late in the evening. (They never come over, except his girlfriend who is a very good influence,so this is token.)
    -All his grades must stay at As and Bs throughout the term. If they go below a B, soccer goes immediately. Good grades are a long term condition of everything though.
    -He must give us all his paychecks and we will deposit them.
    -He must give me his cell phone at night. He will have it in the day for me to be able to keep tabs on him.
    -He has to start counseling again, and I'm going to get his dad to arrange this (I hope!)
    -He has to work on this T-shirt project that we came up with earlier. He is silk-screening his designs. He is a good artist. This will be a positive focus for him as well as make money to pay us back.
    -He has to read a few books that I will give him. The first was "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey.

    This will be enforced for one month, and if there are no infractions, then we will reevaluate. It does not mean the end of things, but we will look at things then.

    Option 2:

    I report the theft to the police and let them handle it.

    I told him he could choose which option and left him to mull it over.

    What do you think?

    My sister in law is visiting and helping me and my husband work through this. thankfully. my husband does not know of this plan yet, but i am hoping he will support it.
  9. justlooking

    justlooking New Member

    I think the most important thing to do with a child when they steal is immediately make them return the money/item to the person/store with an apology.
    You'd be surprised how the embarassement in the face to face apology and return of the item makes a diffence.

    If you make your son return the money directly to your husband with a sincere apology, chances are you will solve both problems.

    However if your son is stealing because of an underlying problem (why does he need the money enough to steal from you) then you need to seek professional help, either law enforcement or counseling.

    also do not provide him with the money to return, MAKE him go out an earn it. Take this problem seriously and don't let him slide or it will get worse.
    Your plan sounds good it just doesn't include personal responsibility for him.

    Good luck
  10. pasara

    pasara New Member

    I agree. Restitution is a given. This is clear to him, but I guess I did not make that clear in the briefing above. In the plan the work paychecks are to pay back the money. There is another entrepreneurial project that he will be doing to pay it off too. It is not a case where he can just pull out the money and give it back. This was over time. He has a job and the paychecks are going to us now.
  11. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    I think your plan is perfect and covers all of the bases. I hope your husband joins with you as a united front.