Tell me how you keep your marriage together ???

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by elizajane40, Oct 28, 2005.

  1. elizajane40

    elizajane40 New Member

    Having a tough time right now. He's struggling to accept FM and I am too. Along with financial pressures and everyday issues that everyone else has. I need some tips!
  2. JPach007

    JPach007 New Member

    Sex is a big issue with my husband. He doesnt understand how I can only work 4 hours in a day, and be too tired to have sex that night, then the next day I am out in the yard trimming trees for 6 hours in the heat. As for the finances, I have given him complete control of the checkbook, since I accidently paid the bills online the day before his check with deposited and I caused about 12 checks to bounce. (Luckily I talke to the bank and they took the overdraft charges off).
    It seems everyone says to communicate..talk about FM with each other...blah blah...I have tried that...I think the only thing that did was bring out more frustration. "Why cant you remember anything?" "You are always tired"..
    Well, I'll stop here. I guess I didnt end up giving you any tips...But, you can see, you are not alone!
  3. Bailey-smom

    Bailey-smom New Member

    I guess it has been a rocky road but we have just lately been making time for just the two of us to have alone time. Even if it is just a couple hours in the barn spending time with our dogs or sitting down together talking for a few minutes – we never made that time before. I know that he has been feeling like I use FM as an excuse & I have had to explain how I have been feeling because you can not "see" FM.

    We have a backward relationship anyway – he is touchy feely and I am not, so I try to grab his hand when we are walking or give him a peck as I walk by. This has been a big step for me because not only am I tired, hurt and do not feel like it any way – just making myself do it has brought back some of those feelings.

    I don’t think (personally) it is good to dwell on the negative all the time but you do have to talk stuff out so you know how each other are. I didn’t see any info in your bio so I hope this helps!

    Kelly
  4. LISALOO

    LISALOO New Member

    I'm trying not to complain all the time, I know it will wear him down, i try to get other people that i can talk to. Right now I complain about hte same stuff everyday which isn't helping.

    I try to listen to his day and what's going on. I ask questions, so it's not all about me and how sick I am!
  5. abbylee

    abbylee New Member

    We dated off and on when we were old enough, and we were both scared to death because of the seriousness of our commitment.

    When it got too heavy, we broke it off. So we were on and off/off and on throughout those years.

    After high school,(1969) we drifted apart and I married someone else. Several years later he married, too. He married another of our classmates from a class of 57 people.

    My children were born before he married, and his oldest is younger than my youngest.

    He and his wife lived in another town, and eventually I moved to another state, when my husband's abuse and drinking got dangerous.

    My children's father passed away in 1996 from alchoholic and cigarette related problems.

    In 2000, my daughter (now grown) and I went back to my hometown to attend the funeral of a friend who committed suicide. Who do I see there, but my childhood sweetheart - and I didn't even know him!!

    After the funeral, he told me that he and his wife had divorced after his youngest graduated from high school.
    He asked for my phone number and we married a year later.

    We picked up where we left off, but this time we weren't scared of the intensity of our love. He waits on me when I need help, and I do the same for him. He puts me and my needs first and I put him and his needs first.

    We have 5 children between us and one grandchild.

    Things like this don't happen very often, and we treasure every moment.


    abbylee

  6. shelbo

    shelbo New Member

    but in my r/ship he has more emotional burdens than me - I am an extremely emotionally-open sort!

    I think talking/ communication is important and doing what you are able to to keep the relationship alive...eg. if you have CFS, you are still able to say nice things, support verbally, listen etc!

    Also, trying to have quality moments when you are having a better spell! Finding 'together moments' is important, hugging, kissing! Giving each other some space occasionally too even if that is hard cos of dependency on someone else to do many things for you. We are both Christians and have a deep faith in common...he is in the Church and so we discuss that a lot. I try to give encouragement and my ideas.

    Trying to keep things in common with eachother (working around the limitations of this DD) like listening to music you both love, watching a TV programme you both find interesting, ordering a meal in or a gift you know your partner will love (finances permitting) ...having a pet - we couldn't part now if we wanted...we would have to cut the dog in half! :)

    Of course, I think a lot depends on whether your partner can cope with the new you, if he or she met you pre-DD! Depending on how ill you are and your partner's personality-type, commitment, expectations etc...it can be a real challenge!

    What does every one else think?

    Love Shelbo


    [This Message was Edited on 10/28/2005]
  7. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    marrying and divorcing other people. We went together after meeting in my sophomore year in high school for 9 months, during which time my parents hated him. Wrong race, Mexican, American born for many generations. My parents came from WVA at a time when things were still very segragated and that's all they knew. In Arizona we all went to school together and it wasn't looked at that way as much.

    We've had many ups and downs but always agreed on raising our daughter, she's been maried now for 13 years. We've had less in c ommon since then and now with my dd's and he also has pain issues it's even harder. Then we planned a move to cooler climate in the mountains here last year, bought a place that didn't work out to be our needs and called it off. Now we have to sellthat place and fix our home back up and all is packed and in storage still, for a year plus and that is major stress. I'm going nuts without my house being put together!! He promises to work on one or the other and then doesn't even when he is able to. SO....!!!

    The way we've stayed married is that we didn't get divorced. Period. Now I don't think I could do for myself all the things I need help with and he doesn't want to leave. I've asked him.

    We've had bigger problems due to his Diabetes 2 and having to live more like brother and sister, and I am just the opposite of some, I could "do it" if I my hair was on fire. For the last several years it's felt like it was. Sorry to be brutally honest. I'm 57 but this has been going on for
    almost 10 years, so I've heard the "in sickness and in health" to death and I've obeyed it but it isn't easy.

    I know the theories about "other ways" but that just isn't for either one of us. So some of our problems come from that though it's not even discussed anymore. I brought it up once and got a very nasty statement in return.

    So, I'm used to living with him, I care about what happens to him, I want to help him when I can, he helps me when he can and we go on. Fun, laughs and all that are rare though. Sometimes he is so loving and kind I forget and then out comes the other side about the time I trust it. I think being sick can make mud out of
    a sandcastle and it has for us.
  8. tskk

    tskk New Member

    Being the husband of one who has FM I think the simplest way to make it work is by positively re-affirming your love to each other. If he is getting frustrated, perhaps
    intimately,keep letting him know that its not him and you're not rejecting him. Just really make it special when you are able to be intimate. I know it can be frustrating for him but I'm sure he wouldn't want FM. I hope he realizes the significance of gentle touch. My wife gets a little pain relief when I massage her feet,stroke her hair gently, rub her back, etc. and I realize there may be no immediate return, but down the road she reciprocates when she feels well enough and she makes it special. It takes two. You didn't ask to have FM and its a daily struggle to function I'm sure. Stick in there, your initial question proves your love.I hope he can find a coping mechanism that can benefit you both
  9. Kinsie

    Kinsie New Member

    I'm like another poster, I am not the touching type. My husband is. He wants to be with me, sit by me, put his arm around he, etc all the time. I don't want any of that. He says I'm not normal in that area.

    I may not be normal when it comes to affection, but I've stayed by his side for 41 years during the bad and good times (and we've had some bad times with each other).

    He tries, but he just can't come to grips with my exhaustion every day after work. I have lost all desire to be "romantic".

    My husband suffers from some emotional problems that are made better the more attention I give him.

    I've tried to tell him that love isn't measured by how many times you kiss someone,or hold their hand, or compliment them. It's shown in actions sometimes more than words.

    His Mom just passed away this month, and I think it's really thrown him for a loop. Today is a very bad day.

    Sometimes I want to just run off, but here are so many reasons that keep us together that it's not an option.

    As for the question "how do we keep our marriage together?". Determination, love, and serving the Lord.

    Need your prayers.

    Kinsie
    [This Message was Edited on 10/28/2005]
  10. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    my post that I am Flaring today and am a sourpuss because of it. My husband and I DO have times of loving understanding and there IS a bond between us that nothing can erase. I come here and feel free to vent and sometimes go too far. Let someone else say something bad about him though!! GRRRR! LOL! We have our problems but we'll grow older together and see it through. I have a lot of faith too and if I didn't who knows where we'd be now.
  11. rmc20021

    rmc20021 New Member

    He left me 3 months ago for a girlfriend I found out that he'd been seeing for nearly a year. I was devestated in the beginning and couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But...I became determined I wouldn't let that end my life and since our relationship hadn't been based on love in several years, I felt I was ready to love again. I started searching online for a new man in my life and after meeting several frogs...I met prince charming. He's been a rock for me and my girls. Absolutely wonderful. I have made up my mind that I will do whatever it takes to keep this relationship alive and happy. I've learned that I need to pay more attention to others and think less about myself and my pain. It's working fine so far.