Thank you for the kind words and prayers

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by mtinash, Jul 7, 2008.

  1. mtinash

    mtinash New Member

    Thank you for all of your kind words and prayers. As I sit here and look around my house and see Josh in everyroom my heart feels pain like I have never know. I can now truly feel the pain Josh went through on a daily basis. We saw so many doctors over the last two years and there answer was always a pill. When those pills did not work anymoe they gave him stronger ones. The night he passed on, prior to taking his life, he was in so much pain that he laid on the floor in agony.

    I keep going over the events of that night and asking myself if I would have done this or that different would he still be here. I really don't have an answer, I just know that I lost my whole world on July 2, 2008. The evening when he took his last breath my sole left this earth with him.

    I am trying to cope with the fact that he left me. Everyone keeps telling me I should be angry with him but I can't all I feel is the extreme pain of his passing and that this terrible disease reduced a 32 year old man to feeling like his was worthless and no reason to live. When I went to see him over the weekend all I could do is hug him, tell him I love him and that I was sorry that I could not help him to the point that he felt life was worth living.

    For any family member on this site with a loved one with this terrible terrible disease, please everyday tell them you love them, that you understand their agony for someday you may walk into a room of your house and find what I did.

    May God Bless each and eveyone of you.


  2. Missizzy

    Missizzy New Member

    I prayed for you and thought of you all through the night last night, as I'm sure many on the board did. We all have walked frighteningly close to the edge and your story touches us all very deeply. I live with the horrible possibility of suicide every single day with my sons. I have three birth sons with bipolar and two of my sons who are adopted have experienced severe trauma. Over the last ten years we've weathered at least 25 serious attempts. These young men do not experience the same physical pain your beloved Josh did but the mental anguish of broken and ill minds. So, I know about the sense of helplessness you've experienced. It breaks my heart.

    I understand why Josh did what he did as I believe that God also does. He simply had no hope to go on. As one of my sons frequently tells me, "his will to live has died". Your love and tenderness buoyed him up for two years. You have to remember that. But his pain was unreachable for you and insurmountable for him in the end. Pain has a way of blocking out all other sensations.

    I'm certain that Josh did not wish you pain as I know my sons don't want me to hurt. I just believe that pain of any kind can get to the point where love doesn't work any longer. Josh is not in pain any longer. Somehow, at some point, you will be able to embrace that thought and carry on the dreams you two had together. He's in God's hands now and will be waiting for you when your time comes. I know that you are not angry with Josh as you saw firsthand what his life had become. Others cannot grasp that.

    In the meantime, I think that he would want you to carry on your life and to continue to reach out to others with your arms open. Please allow those close to you to comfort you and to sustain you through these days. And also, please consider the help of a specialized grief counselor. They can help you work through the difficult but necessary steps of your grief and sadness.

    And know that all on this board welcome you always. You, Bennie, are a true survivor and have work and healing to do.

    Gentle hugs,

  3. DeborahLynn

    DeborahLynn Member

    That sounds so feeble compared to the grief you must be experiencing. Please see my reply to your previous post.

    I will keep you in my prayers. I can't imagine the heartbreak you must be feeling at this moment. Please re-read all the replies to your previous post, and let the words sink in to your heart. There were a lot of good words and suggestions posted that may help.

    Sending lots of Love and Prayers,

  4. katiebug61

    katiebug61 New Member

    There are no words that will take away the pain you feel right now. I do hope that it helps to see that others care and are here for you. My cousin killed himself. They leave so many questions. Before I was diagnosed and hurting all the time, I told several people that I could understand why some people kill themselves. You just want the pain to stop. It just seems that sometimes that desire just overrides everything else. I know that he held on as long as he did because he had a loving family and spouse. God has now erased his pain. It does not take away the pain you feel from the loss of his physical presence. That is something that will take some time to heal. He didn't want to leave you, only leave the pain and agony. May God hold you close in the palm of His hand and give you peace and comfort that only He can give.
    God Bless you and give you strength in days ahead!
  5. Missizzy

    Missizzy New Member

    Bennie--Is there any way for us to make a remembrance donation to a charity special to you or Josh? I don't know how the moderators would handle this but I just thought I would ask.

    Still praying,

  6. kbak

    kbak Member


    It's very hard to find the right words when someone loses someone in such tragic circumstances. I'm sooooo sorrry you had to go through this. I hope there are people around to help you so your not alone.

    My prayer's are going out and up for you,

  7. gapsych

    gapsych New Member

    That is a wonderful idea. Could we send contributions to pro health and they would forward them? That is asking a lot for them to do. Maybe others will have some ideas.

    Bennie, thinking about you and your family.

    Take care,

    [This Message was Edited on 07/08/2008]
  8. mtinash

    mtinash New Member

    Thank you so much for offering to send a contribution in Joshs name to a charity. Any organization that does research on FM or on Mental Health issues would be a great cause to send contributions to. This is a very hard evening for me, it was a week ago tonight that Josh took his life. It took a few days for the authorities to release him so we are having his memorial service tomorrow. Please keep us in your prayers.

  9. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    I have thought about you and Josh so much! I'm sure there will come a time when you'll want to talk about Josh - the good times, all times. I hope you'll feel free to come here and share any memories you have.

    I have a very close friend who went through what you're going through. It's been 3 years now. She IS feeling better. Grief counseling helped her tremendously. You have some immediate things to get through - but when you're ready, I hope you'll seek whatever help you need.

    We're always here for you!! You're an incredible woman, full of love and compassion - we've seen that in your previous posts.

    Love and prayers,