The worst things you hate to hear from family/friends?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by mistress-o-pain, Jan 6, 2006.

  1. mistress-o-pain

    mistress-o-pain New Member

    Over the past years this has driven me batty!I have frequently been asked/told the following and wandered how this has affected you or if it has.
    "Don't you think if you just go back to work and try that you might feel better?"
    "If you would have never drank any diet pop this would have never happened!"
    "Try the magnet therapy!" I did "well, maybe you did it wrong!"
    "It must be nice to stay home and never work."
    "try rubbing lotion on your hands." Lotion? "Yes, maybe if you just pampered yourself a little things would be better for you!"
    "Could all this be from something traumatic happening to you as a child?"
    All of the belittling just drives me bonkers! And it has gotten worse since I have told people my SSD hearing is approaching. ARGH!
  2. Smiffy

    Smiffy Member

    "But you look so well..."

    "But you're supposed to have recovered after a few months..."

    "My friend had this & recovered after reflexology/ eating extra salt/ drinking aloe vera juice/standing on her head in a vat of custard, etc......"

    " You don't need that wheelchair....."

    "We'd all like to lie down all the time......" (from my brother & sister at my father's funeral seven years ago - haven't heard from them since)
  3. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    Where do I get that vat of custard? Is it to be vanilla or egg custard? LOL.........Loved that one.

    On the serious side we see the concern of others that think we are not trying to be/do better! But we have learned we can not and are worse if we push it. It is hard to get that through their heads.......
    Or hate the ones that say, "Well I must have it, I get tired"....or........."Everyone gets tired"........."You need to sleep better".....Yeah.......Duh......

    Oh well........
  4. elastigirl

    elastigirl New Member

    "I'm tired, too."

    "You just have to push yourself." That is the WORST advice -- I've tried it, of course.

    My mooooosssst hated: "It's because you're a vegetarian." Mmm-hmmm. If that were true, millions of vegetarians would be suffering with these illnesses.

    I could no more eat meat than my friends/family could behead their pets, drain them of their blood, defur them, debone them, then cook and eat them for dinner. Why can they not see it's a moral issue for me, not just a DECADES LONG whim????

    Vent over :).
  5. LostHearts

    LostHearts New Member

    "You just have to put up with it" (The pain)

    "Is your arthritis bothering you again?" (Don't have arthritis; well maybe a little but no more then the average person as we get older)

    "C'mon, saddle your horse up and we'll go for a ride. We'll trailer over to the Nature Preserve and ride for hours". (This really hurts. I haven't been able to ride in over 2 years. I used to love it, and hearing this pains me more then the disease itself. People just don't get it, do they?)
  6. Jen102

    Jen102 New Member

    thanks for the post--it is always good to know i am not alone in these experiences and the frustration and sorrow that they bring. i have been reading books on forgiveness. it is a hard thing to do--to forgive--because of course others think they are being helpful with their silly, uninformed comments. the hardest thing to forgive is being totally ignored. yet, forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, not for others. it is done because it is what is expected of us and what we hope for too for the things we have done to others. it helps us to start over each day and face the world anew.

    it sounds like i have it together but i don't. this is what i am TRYING to do, but oftentimes fail. this is such a lonely disease--few have understanding or compassion for our difficult circumstances. it is hard to take the rude comments when it takes so much physical and emotional energy to overcome them, excuse them, forgive them, or educate the offender--when energy is exactly what we are lacking.

    i am so greatful that at least my husband and daughter are compassionate, and that my family and a few friends try, though they often fall short of what I would like. blessings to you. jen102
  7. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    I used to hear:

    'You're lazy'.

  8. minimonkey

    minimonkey New Member

    I think I've heard all of the above, and more. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to --- I've learned to let some of it just roll off my back... sometimes, anyways.

    Vilke makes a really good point -- it is easy to judge others whose pain/depression/etc we don't understand. Even the most kindhearted people are often guilty of this -- it isn't generally meanness, just ignorance. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to be on the receiving end of it, though....

    As for forgiveness -- I don't think that can be forced. It is a good thing to keep in sight as a goal, but there is a time and a place to be hurt, angry, to grieve, etc. If forgiveness comes, then wonderful -- but not if it means denying other feelings.
  9. dixmstx

    dixmstx New Member

    ..."You don't LOOK sick?".. I heard someone at work say that the other day about a woman that has Lupus is anurse and been on disability. SHe doesn't look sick. Of course she doesn't, because this illness and all the other DD auto immune problems don't have a look. And she looks ok because she'e disabled unable to work and maybe having her 1st good day in 5 years. (Sorry, had to vent)I wish I knew what ill lokked like so I could look more like that while I'm still trying to work, raise two kids and be a wife and a productive member of society!
  10. Jen102

    Jen102 New Member

    along with a friend from my church who had brain and lung cancer. can you believe one of the last times i saw him alive i told him he "looks so good." i almost swallowed my tongue i felt so stupid. i apologized by email and his wife laughed it off and said she almost said the same thing to me (and has in the past). He is now in heaven, where i'm sure the angels are saying, "you look so good". funny, huh?

    and yes, you can't deny your feelings and hurt from the comments, as someone mentioned, but i TRY (but oftentimes fail) to forgive. i know i will be hurt, but i don't want to become any more bitter than i already am. jen102
  11. MsE

    MsE New Member

    "I'm tired too." or "Me, too. I'm always tired."
    also: "You LOOK great." or "You sure don't look sick."
    Also: "Are you sure?"
  12. Tigger57

    Tigger57 New Member

    Yeah, "You really need to get outside more and exercise, you're just depressed." And who will pick me up off the ground when I pass out?

    "How can you be in that much pain and still do the stuff you do (like go to work)?" Gee, I come home in a coma and sleep sitting up on the couch until the next day and get the wonderful chance to do it again!!!

    "I know someone who has fibro and she walks 5 miles a day." Gee, good for her!!!

    So many more come to mind.

  13. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    Anything that starts with those words....

  14. Jessa34

    Jessa34 New Member

    Sitting in my boss' office after giving her a Dr's note taking me out of work for a few weeks so I could rest, she looks at me and says "it's so weird because sitting here you look fine"...

    also, from a friend, every time I talk to her (once a week usually) she asks "so what are the doctors saying, isn't there anything they can do for you?" no matter how many times I try and explain that a lot of treatment is trial and error on our part, that I can't live in a doctors office, doesn't matter.

    Luckily I haven't heard the rubbing lotion suggestion - my sarcasm would have taken over and it might have gotten ugly :)

  15. ephemera

    ephemera New Member

    Well, everyone has a little pain in their life.

    It was all I could do not to strangle the woman on the phone. Little, what do you mean, little?

    yeah, sure
  16. betsboop

    betsboop New Member

    even said to me when i was coming out of his office after one of my many rx refills....i wish , when i was sick, i looked as good as you. she is young,loud,competative, yappy and inexperienced....i just chalked it up to ignorance.....just no was one of those times you wish you had a baseball bat and could actually use it to wack some sense into someone?????
  17. weencie

    weencie New Member

    My grandmother told me over Christmas that she has heard deodorant causes Fibro. She wants me to stop using it for a while and see if I am better. This was news to me!! I try to remember she is only wanting to be helpful.
    [This Message was Edited on 01/07/2006]
  18. jaltair

    jaltair New Member

    "If you loose weight you'd feel better .."
    "Are you eating right?"
    "You don't look sick."
    "Exercise, that'd help."

    Most of my family seem to understand as they have other people they know who have FMS. Some, much more ill than I. My son, the pre-med major with a business masters, is the one who doesn't "believe" in FMS or CFS. That hurts!

    L, Jeannette
  19. chopindog

    chopindog New Member

    "maybe if you get off the pain meds ect, then you will get better, all those meds are doing is making you worse"

    Honestly without the pain meds I just don't know how I would survive that pain day after day.A few days a go I tried to not use my pain meds for twenty four hours. It was an absolute nightmare. You don't realize how much they help you untill you stop taking them!

    another thing I hate is my family members, particularly my mom, yell at me because I am not getting better. Say things like, "you need to go to the Mayo clinic, you have to make them fix you, your just not trying hard enough to get the resources you need."

    They just can't accept thet there really isn't a cure out there, and because of it they get angry with me. Joy
  20. lmmillion

    lmmillion New Member

    I get so annoyed and yes, even defensive, when people make comments regarding my being on disability. Just in the last few weeks I've heard
    "Are you still not working?"- When I reply no, that I have not been feeling well and need to be off, I get the question"Aren't you bored? What do you do all day?" I don't even bother to tell people the things I do all day that take me way longer to do than a well person.

    "You feel tired? And you don't even work! Try working all day and then having to do everything else." This particular response really got my blood boiling. I'm a single parent. I worked for a very long time while battling fibro and did "everything else" on top of it. I may not work outside of the home these days, but I still have to do "everything else" by myself, tired and in pain.

    Dear sister came up with this one the other day- "I was looking at old videos the other day. Boy, you used to be "hot". If you just lost the weight, you'd be a knockout." Well, dear sister, please kiss my big fat booty because I'm quite aware that I've put on weight since getting sick. Don't you think it depresses me? Besides, being sick and tired alot, I still manage to do my hair and makeup and dress decent. I may be heavier, but I still look ok. I'd love to be well,thinner and look "hot" but for now, I do the best I can.

    "You're too young to just not work anymore. Don't you want to do something with your life?" This upsets me greatly because I wish I could go back to being a successful salesperson and keep up with the pace like I used to. Does anyone really believe that I enjoy living on a meager S.S. payment and no child support vs. the nice paychecks and company car I used to have? Please!

    Probably the thing that is said to me that most greatly bothers me is when I hear -"Why don't you ever try to meet a nice guy? Are you going to stay single forever?" This hurts me so much because I would love to have a caring and helpful partner in my life. However, I don't feel that I have a whole lot of anything to offer to someone else at this particular time. It takes all I have to be a good mom and do the things I need to for my daughter's sake. I don't think I have the energy to devote to another person. My self esteem is also shot since not working anymore because I feel like nobody would be interested in dating a disabled mom. I used to be so proud of my accomplishments but feel like I just don't have much to offer to a man at this time. I just wish that my friends and family realized that the things they say to me are very hurtful. I've tried to get the point across but they just don't get it. Sorry to rant here, but I feel a little better at least putting these thoughts down in writing. Thanks for listening!

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