This is going to be a hard week - need advice

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by kjade, Mar 21, 2010.

  1. kjade

    kjade New Member

    I am all alone this week. DH got an offer for a job out of town, and he had to take it. He will make a lot of $ and we need it. But he has to stay there. So.....that leaves me alone with all 4 kids. I have survived the weekend (so far) but it's going to be even harder during the week when I have to get them ready for school and get myself to work.

    I know there are millions of single moms that handle it everyday just fine. But for me, having Fibro, it is especially hard. I feel guilty even whining about it...I feel I should be tougher than this. But I am still very worried. This comes at a time of so much stress in our lives....I have had a really hard winter, physically and emotionally. So this just adds to that stress.

    I am especially nervous about nighttime. I am worried I will not be able to sleep because he is not here. Also, our 8 month old still wakes up sometimes in the middle of the night, and he usually gets her because I don't hear her. I sleep so heavily that I don't hear the alarm clock either. With our other kids, we both used to take turns at night when they would wake up, but with this baby, he doesn't even try to wake me up - he just does it. I am afraid I won't hear her, or that I won't wake up when the alarm goes off to get to work. He usually helps the kids get dressed in the morning, and he makes their lunches. (I pretty much do everything else usually). It's just going to be a lot of extra work for me and I'm afraid I will fall apart from it.

    My kids tend to listen to him more than me (like most They fight and scream and carry on and at times, I can't handle it. The noise becomes unbearable and I end up in so much pain and with bad headaches. We have already told them they need to get along and listen to me, but we'll see how that goes.

    It was so hard when he left. We have been together for 15 1/2 years, and since we have been married, we have never spent one night apart. I do rely on him a lot because he does do a lot here. I know I am lucky because he does far more than most husbands. Which also makes me feel guilty. I feel I should be doing everything as a mother. And I always feel like I fall short. When he left he was actually crying (he is a big tough construction guy who never cries...I have only seen him cry when him mom died and when the kids were born) - he is going to miss the kids so much. I know it is only a week, but it was still really hard to see him go. We have been fighting a lot lately (mostly over finances) but I do love him very much, and I didn't want him to leave. I don't know HOW military families do it when their spouse or family member has to leave.....that would absolutely crush me. I give them all the credit in the world, cause I don't know if I could handle that.

    Anyway, I just wanted to vent a little I guess. And I need support and prayers and vibes and whatever else. Or just yell at me and tell me I am being a baby. lol
    I just hope I am able to physically pull this off. We had to go to church yesterday for my son's communion prep/retreat. I had to carry that heavy car seat (have any of you ever carried a car seat with a 20 lb baby in it??? I Don't know why those are so HEAVY??!!!) my arms are KILLING me today. And I had to hold her all during the mass while she kept pulling away from takes great strength to hold a 8 mo baby like that. My arms are just shaking from the pain today. And I didn't have my oldest son here last night...he had a sleepover party. This was the only day I had to sleep in and rest, and he called first thing in the morning for me to come get him. So I had to pack everyone up to run and get him. And we have a b-day party for my grandpa later. So forget about resting today!! I had to work yesterday, so nothing got done around here. :[

    ok, I think that's enough...=-]
  2. HeavenlyRN

    HeavenlyRN New Member

    First of, you're not being a baby. We all have issues/situations that we just can't handle. So, no....I won't yell at you!

    Several thoughts occurred to me as I was reading your post. Let's see......

    Is there any way that you could put the baby in your room for the week? Or, even closer to your room. That way you would be able to hear her.

    You might try setting 2 alarm clocks - on different sides of the bed.

    I don't know the ages of your other 3 children, but could you have a "sit down" with them and attempt to explain that you will need more help this week? Maybe explain that they will have to "be daddy" while he is gone?! Could you ask them to help make the lunches? They (the lunches) might not end up being what you would have done if you had done it, but it would give them something to do AND a sense of accomplishment. Same goes with getting them dressed. Could the oldest help out the younger children? You could ask them to pick out their clothes for the next day before they go to bed. Again - it might not be how YOU would have gotten them dressed, but it might help. Also - you have a quick discussion with their teachers - or even send in a note - explaining what the situation is this week and why you're kids are dressed funny!! (You should have seen some of the outfits my sons used to come up with!!)

    Regarding your statement - "I know I am lucky because he does far more than most husbands. Which also makes me feel guilty. I feel I should be doing everything as a mother. And I always feel like I fall short." These days there should not be any distinctions between what a "mother" does and what a "father" does. It sounds to me that you and your husband are great PARTNERS, and that's the way it should be. Don't put yourself down because you're not June Cleaver (or maybe you're too young to know who she is!!!!).

    I don't know if you are one of those moms who feel that their kids have to have a bath every night. But.....I wouldn't worry about that this week. Just a little washcloth here and there could probably do the trick....unless they've been playing in the mud I guess!

    Don't take on too much this week. Cut down where you can. It's "only" a week and your kids will do just fine. I will be thinking of you and hope that when this week is over you will be able to say to yourself, "I did it!"

    Good luck.
  3. Ranigar

    Ranigar Member

    Oh honey you have this illness and raise kids,and work?That's more then enough even with a helpful shared parenting husband.Take Heavenly's advise and use shortcuts.All the shortcuts and any help you can get.Your children won't feel shortchanged they'll feel achievement if you include them in on getting through daddy's absence.
  4. lgp

    lgp Well-Known Member

    The key to getting through this week is organization, organization, organization!! I had three kids 4 and under and a husband that traveled non-stop. What I think you shoud do is perhaps revise your usual schedule. Do the kids each make their beds in the morning? If so, forget it for this week, tell them you need their help instead with the younger children. Tell your oldest son he is the man of the house for the week--and he is filling in for Dad!!

    Try to have outfits laid out the night before, and lunches in the frig for the next day before you go to bed at night. On Sunday nights, I used to bag up 15 mini bags of mini pretzels, so that was done for the week. Have take out pizza and bagged salad for dinner one night, use paper plates, and cook a pan of taco meat for the next night, so when you get home all you need to do is reheat it. Kids love tacos, and with the lettuce and tomato (which you can also prep quickly the night before), so they will probably be happy with that. Another quick meal for them--breakfast for dinner!! Get one of those big Bisquick ready to pour pancake jugs and brown and serve sausages. Lots of easy ways around the dinner issue--put your mind to it and think ahead. That is the key.

    If your DH has already left, tell him to speak to your older son via cell phone, and have him tell your son, "I'm counting on you buddy." he won't want to disappoint his dad. Oh and forget about the house for the week, just straighten up as you go along, and use as many paper plates and cups as you can. Emptying the dishwasher can even be a major chore when you are tired. And when everybody goes to bed, you go to not too long after!! No vacuuming at night!!

    Is it possible for you to take a personal day (or half day--my manager used to allow that) at the end of the week? You will feel better if things are a little orderly before he arrives home. Remember, it is probably not easy for him to be far away from all of you, and this would not be his first choice. But he is being a stand up guy, doing what he needs to do for his family.

    Finally, when he does arrive home, give yourself a few hours to yourself for anything. Get a manicure, go to Starbucks (alone!) with a book and relax. Just a little something for you!!

    Hope eveything goes okay. You've received lots of advise here--and I know you can do it!!

  5. kjade

    kjade New Member

    Hey, thanks you guys for replying and giving such great advice and ideas! I really appreciate that. I came in here really quick last night to read, but I didn't have time to reply. I thought there were 4 replies?? If it was deleted, I just want to say I thought it was excellent advice. I think it may have said something about her husband traveling a lot, and she mentioned that you just get used to it. I just wanted to say that I think I am getting used to it....even after 2 days it has gotten easier. I have actually woken up in the morning ON MY OWN, which is great. Also the baby already sleeps in my room so we can hear her. Since DH has been gone I have been putting her in the bed with me. Which is actually really nice. I love being close to her while she is so little. There is nothing like cuddling up to a sweet little baby.

    Heavenly, thanks for your reply! You had some great ideas. I have talked to my other kids and they have actually been pretty good! They are 10, 7 & 4. They are a huge help. Sometimes I feel like I rely on them TOO much. About their clothes....I pick out their clothes every night for the next day. 9 times out of 10, my oldest wears something else! Drives me crazy - he is already acting like a teenager! He's too young to be so concerned about his clothes! I am one of those moms that must have baths/showers every day. (I AM a neatnik!) The kids usually take a shower together, and they do pretty well, although my daughter usually comes out of the shower every time with her hair full of shampoo! LOL.
    Oh and yes I know who June Cleaver is! LOL. As much of a perfectionist as I am, she was just a little TOO perfect. I think I am more like Roseanne. LOL
    Well, thanks again Heavenly.....that was so nice of you to offer tips!! :)

    Ranigar, Hi and thank you for your reply! Yes it is tough working and raising the kids. This weekend was totally draining for me. But I just kept going and going because I had to. I am actually learning to do things a little differently now, so I think this is a good thing. Like you said, I am using shortcuts...I am realizing that the house is not going to be in order 100% of the time, and that is ok. But if my kids need help with their homework, I need to focus all of my attention on that. And not worry about the muddy dog running through the kitchen or the crumbs all over the floor. I am also learning that I can be ok.

    Laura, as always, you offer such wonderful advice and I am always so greatful. That breakfast for dinner idea is a GREAT one!! My kids don't like know, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, fries, waffles, and mac & cheese. So dinnertime is difficult, cause they won't eat the good stuff I make. (I am not concerned about that now because I know in 4-5 years they will be eating everything in site). But they LOVE breakfast food. So I am going to do that one night. Nothing wrong with that! My husband has been calling constantly, so they get to talk to him. Plus I have been filling him in on what they are up to, good and bad. He actually came home today...he got out early from work so he drove all the way home (about 3 hrs!) just to see us. So that was a nice surprise. But he has to leave again, and the kids are getting upset all over again. :(
    I have been putting my feet up and relaxing after they go to bed. That is the only time I have for myself, so I catch up on my TV shows. No vacuuming! lol As for the personal day, I actually have off this Friday because I have my son's b-day party this weekend, so I already planned to take off to get the house cleaned and prepare for the party. So that day off will actually be really nice for me.

    Well, thanks again everyone. I always look forward to reading all of the helpful advice here!

  6. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    Sorry I have not written to you sooner. Just got back from a weekend trip and am now trying to get back in the swing of things.

    BTW, I sent you a longer post on Heavenly's thread.

    Go check that thread ploease , not that there is anything that great on it but just know that I and I am sure others on this board do care about you. Let me know when you read it and please stay put and don;t run out on us. You would be missed.

    Lots of hugs !!