This is No Understanding

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by TeaBisqit, Jan 4, 2006.

  1. TeaBisqit

    TeaBisqit Member

    My mother picked a fight with me today. And she said some really cruel things to me. One of them being the whole, "I push myself with my arthritis, so why can't you just push yourself out the door." And it's like, after her watching me with this disease for fifteen years now, there is still no understanding that I cannot push it. There is nothing to push. And when I tried to explain that for the millionth time, she said, "If you say so." Like, I'm just making up the fact that I'm too sick to do much of anything. And this just had me in tears all night because it's like, OMG, after fifteen years of seeing me not be able to do much, you still don't believe that I can't? It's like she just doesn't know me at all. My own mother does not know me as a person.

    Before I got sick, I was the straight A student, the exercise addict, the workaholic. The one anyone could count on to be there and do her job even if she had to stay up all night getting it done. I was never the lazy type. And I didn't suddenly decide to become a couch potato. And I didn't choose to have NMH/POTS so severe that most days I'm too lightheaded to walk around the place. When I tell her I have the lightheaded thing, she just changes the subject on me. I also have Hashimotos which is currently not being treated because the thyroid med made me so sick that I refuse to ever take any again. I tried a natural therapy that has helped with it.

    But I just cannot believe that after all this time, someone who lives with me cannot see that I am not making this disease up. Just because I might be able to muster up the energy to make myself dinner doesn't make me fine. And when I have to wash the dinner pan and dishes from cooking, I often feel to lightheaded that I feel like I'm going to black out and I have to pray that I can finish doing that and then go lie down. It took me two days to get the energy just to do my laundry. And part of the things she said to me were that I should be the one grocery shopping and doing errands and taking out the garbage and the car and whatever. And it's like, excuse me, but don't you think that if I were healthy I would be doing those things and not saying anything about it?

    I just felt emotionally abused today. And I don't think anyone with this disease deserves to be treated like that. Like if I had cancer or something else with a menacing name, I'm sure I wouldn't be treated like I'm making the disease up!
  2. tejanya

    tejanya New Member

    having to live with a limiting dd is not easy. what your mom said is what my healthy daughter does to me. she doesn't seem to appreciate living with us. not picking up her and her kids stuff, leaving laundry for me, she will vacuum, the living room where they stay. she doesn't get the 4 yr up for school to catch the bus. my son lives here and wakes up his niece. i wish people would understand that when we feel good we are not suppose to over do. it is hard to live with a parent again, i know this from experience. please don't let her words destroy your love and compassion. it is hard when others do not beleive our pains and limitations. but remember, you were put here for a reason and it is not to be someone else's doormat.
  3. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    T:
    A possible simple solution. As your doctor to write your diagnois(s) on a prescription pad. Show it to here.

    I had to do that once and it helped me win half the battle with my husband. Now ex-husband and well rid of him.
    Hugs,
    NyroFan
  4. skierchik

    skierchik New Member

    I'm so sorry your mother can't comprehend your illness. I totally understand cuz neither can mine. She still says to me "why aren't you working"??? And the sad thing is...my stressful childhood has much to do with what I'm going through today. I hope that you can get through to her or perhaps have someone do it for you. Sometimes having another person, not related, explaining the situation can be of value. In the meantime, research your disorder as much as possible. Helping yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself. Check out the website www.drplechner.com. Don't freak out. He's a veternarian. But he had devoted his lifetime helping pets with basically the same disorder as you and me. His findings are being used to treat humans. I am currently trying to find a doc that is practicing his protocol. I believe our disorders are stemming from low cortisol (disturbance to the adrenal cortex).

    Hang in there!

    skierchik
  5. jfrustrated

    jfrustrated New Member

    Could your mother be reacting like this because she is so angry that you are ill, but she does not have anything to be angry at, but you are there and so you cop the anger she is unable to vent anywhere else?

    If someone you love is really sick, and you cannot do anything to help, it is likely that anger and frustratiion will build up that is not really directed at that person - but they get it because she has nowhere else to let it out? The kick the cat syndrome??

    On the other hand, I am grateful that I did not become really ill while my mother was alive. I think it would have made our relationship even more difficult.

    I think that perhaps - but I am an outsider - that there might be lot more to this than just your mother not really believing that her daugther is sick?? If this does not seem right, please simply ignore the comment,
  6. TeaBisqit

    TeaBisqit Member

    I think there will just always be this doubt there. That no matter how many years I'm sick, because I don't look sick and there is no blood test for this and the disease has a horrible demeaning name, I will forever be doubted. There are so many times she tells me that I don't look sick. And it's like, well, what would you like me to look like? Would it help if I looked like a zombie from Night of the Living Dead? Sometimes, I wish I did because then I would be believed.

    She just doesn't get it that there are times when I can do a few things, small things, like make dinner or do my laundry, but it takes me a long time to even get the energy up to do those things. Just taking a shower nearly kills me, especially since we now live in an awful place that has bad water pressure, so it takes me almost an hour to even feel half way clean here. I can't take the fifteen minute showers I'm used to anymore because of that. So, I'm kind of dead before I do anything if I want to have a shower, too. But she will always say to me that she saw me making dinner or saw me do the laundry and if I can do those things, I must be able to do other things. And honestly, I can't. I don't think she realizes how many times in a day that I have to sit down or lie down. I rarely ever even wear makeup anymore because I don't have all that energy to put it on and take it off. And that was something I always loved.

    There's just no understanding and the doubt will always be there until there is full validation of this disease by both the medical world and the media world. We need a real blood test and a real name for this disease. Without that, the doubt will always be there. And it's just destroyed pretty much every relationship in my life with family and friends.
  7. CarolK

    CarolK New Member

    I'm sorry to hear that your very own mother is putting you through this.

    May I suggest something to you? On Jan. 3rd I posted a topic titled..."THE THIEF OF MANY LIVES". It is a great tool to help the "unbelievers" in our lives. It tells how we suffer and what is happening to our bodies.

    You might want to read it, print it out and show it to your mother. If she doesn't get it after reading this... well then she is just being stubborn and refusing to believe for some other reason.

    In any event, read it for yourself and I hope it brings a sense of validation for you and some clarity to your mother and friends and other family members.

    Blessings... CarolK
  8. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    looking to move out of your mother's home...? are you on ssdi or ssi? are you working?

    maybe your mom needs her independance, i know i will....i couldn't imagine living with my parents even when i am ill...that would drive me more crazy.

    maybe your mother feels like a failure for having you still at home at your age...i feel as a mother it is my to prepare my son who is 16 and has plans for college and moving out in the world....

    i am now divorced and no family in this state right now and never will...i know i can not depend on my parents whom are older than me....my siblings are 2500 plus miles away as well....
    i am not on good terms w/my parents and if was it would be the same...i do not want my son have to take care of me.

    i am 41 years old, read my bio, i have alot of things going against me, but i still want my independance from my parents...and my son to have his life live as an adult...

    i feel you truly need to move out of your mom's home any way you can...i hope your have applied for ssdi/ssi...but make a plan. your mom is not going to be around forever...and who wants to really listen to their parents rag at them still as an adult?

    i feel if you moved out you may have less stress in your life...mom won't be in your living room or home watching you...what a relief that would be for you...

    i have my days where i just can't do a darn thing hardly...i have had my days where i am so dizzy i can't even sit...

    i have pain s bad i can not walk been on crutches until it subsides...i have neck/back problems feet/ankle problems, shoulders, etc in my bio.....

    i have two more years and my child support will stop and my spousal support-i was a dummy and said i would stop that when he turns 18...stupid on my part he will be making over 150k a year and i will be scratching my head wondering...but i do have a plan and you need to make one also....

    you need your freedom to be an adult on your own....it would even better for you mentally just to move out and rent a room somewhere...you wouldn't have your mother standing over you and critisizing you on your health and whatever.

    i am hoping my child is out of the home by 25...and if he is not in school he has one year to be out, plus pay me rent in the mean time....

    now if he is applying for ssi/ssdi that is different to me...sometimes we need some help from family and friends....

    but sometimes we need to nudge our kids out of the house to make them a better person or adult...birds push theirs out of the nest as well....

    i am trying to understand your mother's feelings as well as yours....not taking sides...but you need to get a plan if you do not have one as of yet....

    there are places to put your name on a list for disabled housing...it maybe await but well worth it for you...maybe yourmother should get on senior/and or disabled housing as well....it would be great to have other people in the same situation as you are to check up on one another...there are buses for disabled here where i live to take them to appt or such...

    have you thought about if the worst is to happen to your mother if she is in a hospital, nursing home, or worse....

    maybe she was hoping or counting on you being there for her in her elder years...but things do not go as plan...it may sound like you are physically worse off than her.....

    it sounds like to me you have a lot of thinking to do...

    i would suggest to call your local housing authority to get your name on a list for a section 8 voucher or some hud housing for disabled if you have your ssi/ssdi...

    things will be better for you and you will feel like you have more control over your life...if you feel like not doing the dishes all day it won't affect anyone but you....

    try to be assertive in your living arrangements if you can financially...there is help out there if we look, sometimes we have alot of doors slammed in our faces but you need to move on until one opens....

    i hope i didn't make you upset i just trying to show you what most mothers are going thru...we look forward to what our child be when they grow up....

    and i feel you can not grow much with your mother hounding you about your health....and lack of energy and the pain////

    iknow what that pain and lack of energy is like...but i have no choices here in california....but i know i will not be out in the streets but if i need to i will do the best that i can...trust me i deal with major depression...but thrre is help out there...

    just trying to help you make a good decision for you...and maybe your mother in her own way is wanting you out of the house...and is hoping you will move on to bigger and better things....i don't know if you live withyour mother to help her out financially or the why's you ar still at home at your age....but it is hard to have two women in the same kitchen...

    it sounds like you have many talents....

    best wishes

    jodie
    [This Message was Edited on 01/05/2006]
  9. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    With what others wrote and especially Jodi's.

    I used to do some volunteer work and from the folks I assisted I learned just how much help is out there! One little gal that moved out on her own, moved into subsitized housing, low rent, only has to pay $10.00 a month for electric and $25.00 for gas. That is next to nothing in our area of the country. She has 3 bedrooms and one and a half baths.......etc........There is food pantries for the ones that runs out of money before they run out of the month...simple fare to take home and cook yourself.

    Many churches (and you do not have to be a member) and many charties, the ones with thrift stores, will give you things you need, if you go to them. Talk to many people that is either in the same situation or ones in social work and keep going to the next one. You really can do it.

    I know what you are saying. Sometimes I do not want to cook a meal if I am alone, because of the dishes afterwards. They never used to bother me. I can remember times my hubby would cut my food and help me eat, I was so weak. But having your own space, sleeping when you need to and all is helpful to your well being.
    Just the other day, my nephew said you look so healthy! I am thinking when he said it of my weight gain, my limitations, the bags under my eyes, my thinning hair....etc. I've had this 18 yrs. He understands though and is interested in learning all that is new on it. He has a friend with the same problems. But he was sincere.

    I often wonder how people can understand it? Sometimes I feel I need to kick myself in the backside and get going and do not believe it myself! But it is so......
    Blessings Dear...
  10. smiffy79

    smiffy79 New Member

    hi teab.

    im sorry your mum flared up like that,mine did the same to me not so long ago and i still havent an apology.

    i think alot of us were active b4 we were hit with this mother trucker of an illness which makes it harder still for us to accept. maybe your mums had this bubbling away for a while and it was just bursting out?

    i gave my mum a few home truths when she did it to me so i think she may think twice next time as i have more :)

    i know she sees you in a mess but do you ever talk about it?

    mum accused me of faking it more after visiting a " oh sorry for me" website meaning here like we all sit around going im sicker than you.
    stand tall and when shes cooled off say to her lets get this in the open.

    big hugs sweety.
  11. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    Because of your name for our site,,,,,,,,,,I feel you have read this......if not do so.......print it out and leave it on the kitchen table or such....maybe it will get read.....

    See posting on this site:

    A Sudden Illness by Author of Seabiscuit

    darude 7 01/04/06 01:22 PM