This is the Funniest thing I've read,in years....

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by fairydust39, Feb 3, 2007.

  1. fairydust39

    fairydust39 New Member


    If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
    with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
    regular workout routine.

    Dear Diary. .

    For my 50th birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week
    of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
    still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 30 years
    ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

    I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
    Joe, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
    model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased
    with my enthusiasm to get started!

    The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. .


    Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
    well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Joe waiting for
    me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
    dazzling white smile.

    Woo Hoo!!

    Joe gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after
    five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was

    so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic
    outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his
    aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

    Joey was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already
    aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to
    be a FANTASTIC week-!!


    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Joe
    made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then he
    put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
    made the full mile. Joey's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
    feel GREAT-!!

    It's a whole new life for me.


    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
    counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
    hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
    steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
    Joe was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
    His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he
    scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

    My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Joe put me on the stair
    monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
    activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

    Joe told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some
    other shit too.


    Joe was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
    cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
    half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

    Joe took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran
    and hid in the ladies room. He sent Muffy to find me. Then, as
    punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.


    I hate that dick, Joe, more than any human being has ever hated any
    other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
    little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
    unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Joe wanted me to work on my
    triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
    floor, don't hand me the M-----f---ing barbells or anything that weighs
    more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
    health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
    like the drama coach or the choir director?


    Joe left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
    wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to
    smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
    even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of
    the Weather Channel.


    I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
    thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
    husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a

  2. xchocoholic

    xchocoholic New Member

    LMAO .. Thanks fairydust ...Marcia
  3. elliespad

    elliespad Member

    THAT was some FUNNY S**T !!! I read it outloud to husband, son and his friend, I am dying here, snorting and all stuffed up from laughing SO HARD!!!!!!
  4. fairydust39

    fairydust39 New Member

    I laughed so hard,I was in tears. I read it to my Husband and he laughed too.
    Sounds just like when my husband and I went to the Gym !!!!
    Hugs Shirley
    [This Message was Edited on 02/03/2007]
  5. ckball

    ckball New Member

    I had seen it a long time ago but just as funny, poor Joe did know what he was getting into,lol Carla
  6. Callum

    Callum New Member

    That was the big laugh of the week for me!


  7. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    I laughed myself silly. I had my son read it too.

    I could chase the guy around the gym with my electric mobility scooter! VROOM! VROOM!
  8. TKE

    TKE New Member

    This is beyond funny!! I lauged so hard & then tried to read it to my Huz. I couldn't get thru one pharagraph...tears running down my face I was laughing so hard. Huz laughed too.

    Thanks for the uplift :).
  9. sisland

    sisland New Member

    Thanks for making My Morning! Lollol!
  10. fairydust39

    fairydust39 New Member

    I'm glad you all enjoyed this as much as I did. I just couldn't stop laughing,everytime I yhought about it.
    It made my day too
    Hugs Shirley
  11. sisland

    sisland New Member

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