This might be a morbid topic but..

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by cjcookie, Aug 24, 2006.

  1. cjcookie

    cjcookie New Member

    My Mom's friend was in the nursing home and she died this morning. I tried to rush up to be with my Mom when her friend passed but things kept slowing me down. I think God knew I couldn't handle watching someone die so soon after being with my Grandma when that happened. I lost my keys, an old couple was going 20 in a 40, etc. etc. Anyway, not to the question.

    Have any of you preplanned a funeral? What are average costs. I just want to be cremated and leave someone enough money to take me to some nice place and spread the ashes. (I don't really care about them being spread - just a good excuse for someone to get a little joy from the moment)

    They left us with the friend for a while until the funeral home got there. She was lying there with her eyes and mouth wide open. I told my Mom that under no circumstances was that to happen to me. Cover me up, for heaven's sakes. Mom said if it bothered me that we could cover her up. I told her it didn't because it wasn't me. Those were my wishes.

    I was happy for the woman because now she isn't in pain and she can be with her husband. Funny how my feelings of death have changed since I've felt like crap. The only reason I cried was because the only person that really visited Mom's friend was Mom. I kept thinking that if Mom hadn't been there, she would have died alone. Her daughter came a couple of times. Now, the funeral isn't going to be for three weeks because daughter had a vacation planned.

    Okay, I'm rambling. Really just wanted to know about preplanning and other's thoughts about how they want to go.
  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    here in Los Angeles, you could pre-pay the Neptune Society some modest fee. I think it was about $450.

    They would pick up the body, have it cremated, and dispose of the ashes at sea.

    I thought that was very sensible, but my partner said no. He felt there should be a grave to visit. I said put my ashes in the fireplace. You can visit me daily.

    He didn't like that idea either.

    You can tell people what you want, but really you have no control over the matter. Doesn't really matter to me.
  3. Juloo

    Juloo Member

    The last funeral I planned was my mom's, but it was in 1998, and I have no idea of what the costs would be today.

    My mom had discussed her wishes with me. All she wanted was a simple 'pine box' and to be cremated. She waffled on where she wanted her ashes spread, so I made the decision for her.

    Mom was in a hospice when she died. When we looked for who would do the cremation, etc., we looked in the yellow pages. Both my husband and I picked the same place, since its advertising looked as if Mom had written it herself.

    We had a simple memorial service for her a week later. The cost of that was just to the church (it was a doantion) and for the cost of some flowers and a booklet I put together for the service which we also mailed to those who couldn't come. It had several pictures and her obituary and some favorite songs.

    As 'funerals' go, it was simple and inexpensive, which was the way Mom wanted it.
  4. mrdad

    mrdad New Member


    It was so good of you to make such an effort to be with
    your Mother upon the death of her friend. I'm happy that
    the Daughter is not going tocall off her three week vacat-
    ion plans due to the untimely and inconsiderate death of
    her Mother!! Just give the Daughter a call in the Bahamas
    or were ever she is and tell her you'll keep her Mama on
    ice until a more convenient time.

    You're a good person Cookie,
    MRDAD
  5. 1sweetie

    1sweetie New Member

    I agree with Mr. Dad. You are a good person. It sounds like your Mom is a good person also.

    I was a banker for years and dealt with funeral homes because we handled their "Preneeds" and also the financing of the cost through a special program we had when people needed a loan to pay for the funeral.

    I have not worked since 2004 and where I live the average funeral then was $7,000. to $8,000. They charge for everything...down to the ink pen used. They have to do full disclosure now (at least in my state) of all cost. Now there are so many options for people in lieu of a standard funeral.

    I have thought about this since I have been sick and I want to preplan my funeral so that my family will not have anything extra to worry about. I've decided that I no longer want visitation or much fan fare. This came about because if people don't care enough to help me or see me now, I don't need them when I die either. Does that make sense to you?
  6. Loveyame

    Loveyame New Member

    The nursing staff should have prepared your mom's friend after her death. Sorry you had to see that part of it. You can get a booklet from your funeral home that will help you plan your funeral. There are different cost points for a funeral or cremation. Don't be afraid to shop around. If you want flowers some florists will preplan them for you too. Just ask, all they can say is no.
  7. findmind

    findmind New Member

    Blessings to you and your Mom! It is difficult to be with a person who has passed on, but I believe their spirit is with you until they feel comfy enough to go forward, so you have performed a great spiritual gift to your Mom's friend.

    I attended a destitute friend's death; a mortuary service for poor people cremated her for $550. They gave me her ashes as she had no family left. I planted a flowering tree with her ashes in the base of it. I have always called the tree by her name.

    I plan to be cremated; you reminded me to go ahead and make the arrangements. My ashes will be put in a crypt at a local military base. They will have a memorial on base with Taps played and flag given to my children.

    If my friends want a memorial, they will have to plan it! They can groan about me all they want all by themselves, LOL!

    If there are any women who have served in the U.S. Armed Forces, there is a memorial that will accept (with $25 donation) your service story and picture and place it in their filmed archives.
    I think you can google it for info.

    We who are so sick need to do all we can to help those we leave behind, especially if we have more money while alive than our families will have once we're gone.

    May they find a treatment or cure soon for us, as so many of us have one foot out the door!

    There's always hope!
    findmind
  8. IntuneJune

    IntuneJune New Member

    JCCokkie,

    Program your mind to remember the good things that surrounded the event, you, the daughter supporting her Mom.


    There is another alternative, besides the standard burial and cremation..... but not so available.

    Call it a "green burial."

    Very affordable. Check your state. No coffin, no standard headstone, no cemetery.

    Imagine a woodland hike, and yes, along the way, a rock with a name.

    I read an article about this, don't remember where. It appealed to me, but there are no such "woods" in my state yet.

    It just seemed simple, not pretentious, and cumming with nature.

    June

  9. ckball

    ckball New Member

    I am so sorry about your mother's friend. Seeing death like that is always a little unsettling. The staff should have at least covered. her.

    I am looking into donating my body to science. You pay a fee for the disposal of the remains they don't use.

    I feel like, I'm sorry I forgot the name, the person who said if you didn't come see me when I was alive don't come when I die.

    I do not even want a service. I helped a freind arrange the creamation of his mother and is was about $1000.00.

    It is not morbid, it is life. We all just come and go into this world. It only matters what is in the middle that-not how we came or left -Carla
  10. jeduanboneis

    jeduanboneis New Member

    but realistic.

    I very much want to donate my body to science and need to do some research about how and where I could go. But I don't think we get a choice. Would like for it to be used for CFS research.

    My husband doesn't like the idea, but hey ....

    Can't take it with 'ya. Someone might as well use it.

    CJCookie ~ it sure was courageous for you to be with your mom during that time. I am sure you will be blessed for your actions.

    Jeanne
  11. Shannonsparkles

    Shannonsparkles New Member

    My mother died when I was young, so I've had a lot of time to think about it.

    I want to be burried in a cemetary. I like being around old people. ;) It's a social place to rest, with visitors and green lawns. I'd also like to stay my original height as long as possible.

    Mom's ashes were scattered in a wilderness place, which I have never been well enough to visit. The summer before I was old enough to hike out there, I got mono. That ended my hiking days, so I have not been able to visit her.

    I want my remains to be accessable.
  12. JLH

    JLH New Member

    This is a copy of my reply to a question a few months ago regarding if someone could donate their body to science .. or a medical school .. and request that it be for CFS research ONLY.

    *******************

    You can request that your body be donated to science, but not for any particular research. You could probably call your local funeral home and ask what he would do if a person's will just stated that he/she wanted his body donated for science. Do they call medical schools? Do they have a list of research organizations who want them?

    You can specify a certain medical school if you want to, too.

    When my daughter was in medical school, they had to have a class called "Gross Anatomy" in their freshman year. Each team of students (3-4 on a team) were given a "body" for the course. These were bodies who had been donated to their school for "science" and/or "teaching".

    There were set things that all teams did to the bodies for learning purposes. Also, along the way, each team had to determine what the cause of death was in their body.

    FYI, if you are wondering, the entire time that the students work on the bodies, the head remains covered. This is out of respect for the deceased person, and to make sure that he/she is not a relative of the students.

    At the end of the course, the teams are graded on if they guess the cause of death of the person. And ... they also have to indicate all of the other medical problems that the person had.

    My daughter said it was really easy to identify the smokers, those with cancer, etc. I don't know if they would be able to identify FMS or CFS in a deceased person or not since it cannot be diagnosed by any normal, routine tests!

    If there were not enough bodies given to the school through donations, then people who were homeless, unidentified, or those who had no living relatives and had to end up being buried by the county were used--I can't state for sure that I have this 100% correct, so don't get upset if I misquoted something that my daughter told me!

    I don't think there is a charge to donate your body to science or to a teaching school. There would probably be a charge from a furneral home to prepare the body for the school; however, I am sure it would not be anything close to the cost of a funeral today!


    Janet

    Edit - I forgot to mention that when the class was over, the families were notified that the teaching session involving their loved one had been completed and if they wanted the body back for any type of burial service, they could have it; otherwise, since it had been donated to the school and it was not really their possession, they would take care of the burial.

    The students also had a memorial service for all of their deceased and were grateful to them and their families for enabling them to train and learn due to their generosity after their death.

    In other words ... the school tried to do their best to show respect for the deceased in every way possible.



  13. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    be too upset to make a train trip alone, my mother chose to be cremated. She wanted to be sent back to WVA to be buried beside my dad. She was always against cremation but I know she did it for the reasons I said.

    The one thing she DID ask though was that I go to the mortuary and pick out a metal box or urn, she couldn't bear the idea of the box deteriorating. So that's what I did. Her husband of less than two years must have thought I was just being "cheap" so he went behind me and ordered a wooden box! I didn't find out until it was over and she was on her way to the cemetary in WVA, but I still feel bad about it.

    After she died he did a couple of things that really angered me, but he was in his 80's and I let it go. One thing was before she died and I went in her room to find her sobbing. After some coaxing she finally told me he had said he was moving back to Chicago and wouldn't be able to keep her Chihuahua. Of course I told her we'd take her little dog and not to spend another minute worrying about that or anything else. But he did other things later that were maddening also.

    I think everyone should have their final wishes granted, after all it's the last chance to do something loving for the person. I couldn't believe the daugther waiting three weeks to bury the mother so she could take her lousy vacation!! Shamefull and totally UNloving!
  14. rachel432

    rachel432 New Member

    i agree with the spontaneus combustion. we should all be so lucky to participate in this trend.

    this isn't a morbid topic, dying is just the last stage of life and everyone has to do it. planning your funeral is a good idea. but i have no idea what it costs.

    i actually want to be creamated and thrown out of my convertable while someone drives it way to fast up lake shore drive on a warm summer night.

    rachel
    [This Message was Edited on 08/25/2006]
  15. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    I really believe that death is another stage of living.

    I want to be cremated and my ashes put on my daughters grave. Or at least part of them.

    My sister in law had a memorial service and DH was only a box of ashes. She took a little ashes back to every place he loved and scattered them.

    I found out that this type of service is the most gentle type and loving way for a person to say goodbye. It brought out love and good thoughts of this person and we all felt closer.

    Another brother in law, single, died out of state. My niece, and DH went and took care of everything. He could not be cremated right away, but shortly after they left the state. His daughter than made arrangements here.

    HONEST to God......his ashes was sent to me and left by the FedEx on my porch. We had a memorial service and family time as he wanted.

    OH...you can have ashes put in handblown glass. Also necklaces and such.

    Blessings..........susan











































    [This Message was Edited on 08/26/2006]
  16. opticaltech

    opticaltech New Member

    My dad died in 87 at that time it cost 3500 for everything including the cemetary plot. The mortuary will go over everything with you including payment plan..If you are a veteran they will contact them to play taps and present you with a flag. The church will officiate for a donation..hope this helps..L.
  17. kholmes

    kholmes New Member

    I have thought that I'd like to be cremated and have my remains sprinkled among pine and aspens on top of a nearby mountain. I love great views.

    But lately, I've been thinking about donating my body to a local university. I'm a teacher, and I like the idea of my body still being in education after my death.

    Hopefully, all of this is a long way off, though!

    Kholmes
    [This Message was Edited on 08/26/2006]
  18. cjcookie

    cjcookie New Member

    donating my body is a good idea. Maybe it would help someone. I don't love the idea of looking at my naked dead body but I guess at that point, vanity is gone.

    We have a couple of medical schools nearby and I think my nephew in law's Dad did that. I'll check into it.
  19. IntuneJune

    IntuneJune New Member

    I had read an article in a magazine, which contained photos of the woodland path and the "memorials" along the way. The simple markers blending in with nature, made the formal granite markers almost seem grotesque to me since. Just had accepted granite markers as the norm in the past.

    My husband and I have probably make the decision to be buried in a near-by cemetry. They have undeveloped land, maybe they want to "go green."

    June