Those with children...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Dawn1, Aug 26, 2006.

  1. Dawn1

    Dawn1 New Member

    How do you make it work? I've always made do, but it's getting harder. I have a 3 and 5 yr old, and this is so not fair to them. I'm sure you know what I mean. My 5 yr old just started school, and I'm adjusting to less sleep and a different routine. My body doesn't like it much.

    I've been diagnosed with CFS (5 yrs), FM (5 yrs), IC (biopsied), endometriosis (lap), am having migraines 2-3 times a week, and currently have a UTI. So I'm not feeling great at the moment. I try to appear chipper, but this body just isn't getting the hint. I've read so many things to try, different drugs... I guess I just really need to vent. I feel guilty about being sick; my girls are so sweet and understanding. I'm just feeling really sad. And I don't want to say that to my healthy friends; I think you can only understand when you have it.

    Thanks for listening; at least I know you understand me.
    Dawn

  2. JLH

    JLH New Member

    I really don't know what to tell you. I just did what I had to do. The older the children get, the harder it gets. It's even harder when all the children are in school and you are working full time.

    You have to set your priorities and live by them. I was never able to do housework during the week. We never had visitors during the week, nor did we ever go any where. At least one load of clothes had to be washed each evening--normally rotated towels and jeans.

    We had easy suppers, fast cleanups.

  3. wordbyrd

    wordbyrd New Member

    ....is challenging under the best of circumstances, but when you're dealing with a chronic illness that makes you want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over your head, it's incredibly difficult.

    My kids were 7 and 1-1/2 years old when I got sick, Dawn, so I truly understand what you're going through. They're now 23 and nearly 18, so the intensive child-rearing days are behind me, and I can honestly say that my kids have turned out just fine.

    I would encourage you to seek out a couple of friends with whom you can be honest about the limitations of your illness, and enlist their help with activities that are too taxing for you.

    I found other moms who would be willing to pick up my daughter when they were shuttling to Brownie meetings and dance lessons, for example. In return, I would do things like provide the treats for the meeting or offer to help with gas money. Often, though, the moms were more than happy to take my kid along, knowing that I was ill, and not wanting her to miss out on activities, without expecting anything in return. They felt good about being able to help in this way, and I had to learn to let them.

    It was the same with my son, with swimming lessons, Cub Scouts, etc.

    What I was able to do with my kids was read to them (and later, to listen to them read to me), do simple artwork & puzzles together, quiet things. Lots of cuddle time. Lots of listening. On really tough days we'd all just hang out on Mommy's bed. It would be strewn with books, puzzles, you name it - they would be busy and I'd be resting, just watching them play. But we were together. TV was also a godsend. I taped lots of episodes of Sesame Street and Disney shows, and we also used the library a lot to borrow books and videotapes.

    Money was tight, so I had to continue to work part-time. I worked at home as a medical transcriptionist, and that took a lot out of me. I worked in the early morning hours or late at night.

    My husband was wonderful, pitching in with the housework and childcare. I know that not everyone has that kind of help at home.

    I learned to let go of the guilt. I was not going to be that active, go-go-go Mom that I'd always envisoned myself being. But that was okay.

    As my daughter reached junior high, and I was past the acute stage of CFS, I was able to be more mobile. Since I worked at home and had flexibility in my schedule, I offered to be the one to provide rides home from school for a couple of her closest friends. Sometimes we'd stop for ice cream, or the girls would come home with us for the remainder of the afternoon. By their junior year of high school, when they were driving themselves, it became time to do the same for my son and his friends. A little thing, but something I could do.

    It helped me to keep close to my kids and their friends, and because I wasn't caught up in the rat race, I was available as a listening ear. What a blessing!

    Today there are quite a few young men and women in addition to my daughter and son who call me "Mom."

    We didn't have much money, certainly not much in the way of material things. We weren't able to take fun vacations in exotic places. But we were (and are) rich in love.

    Dawn, you're going to do just fine raising your girls. It isn't your fault that you are sick. You just are, and that's the way it is. Your daughters are going to learn so much about compassion and patience from you. It's a blessing and a gift. They're going to turn out beautifully because of your great love for them.

    Please remember to take good care of yourself. Pace yourself. Don't overdo it. Learn to say no to excessive demands on yourself. It's okay to do that. Learn to accept help from caring friends and family members (and I hope you have many in your life).

    Sending gentle hugs your way,

    wordbyrd (Barb)
  4. Dawn1

    Dawn1 New Member

    Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and encouraging me. I literally cried after reading your posts...for what this illness costs me in life, for the fact that you have been there and understand, for how inspiring you are to me...you've made it and your children are fine. Some days are better than others, and your posts really inspire me to keep going and doing the best that I can. I've always been Type A personality, so it's been hard to try not to do everything just so, in spite of the fact that I'd be crying in pain during the night. I'm learning. I guess accepting that being less than you had wanted and doing the best however you're able is as much a part of this illness as anything. Life goes on, and I'm going to make the best out of it that I can. Thank you for helping me see that. You've inspired me, and I thank you.

    Truly, Dawn
  5. intensemom

    intensemom New Member

    I completely understand what you're going through.

    My girl's are 8 and 10. I have had IC for 10 years, fibro for 7 years and CFIDs for 1 year. It's been bad; but this last year has been the worst.

    Luckily, I have the luxury of sending my kids to school now and having the whole day to recuperate. Discipline is hard because, frankly, I just am not up for it most of the time.

    I am lucky that my husband does active stuff with them and I help with the homework, reading, watching movies and lots of listening!!

    Sometimes I think maybe that is why this happened to me...so I would slow down and really know my kids. It's been a perk of this DD! I don't have anything in my life right now except my husband and children. So I'm pretty focused on them!

    I am starting to slowly get better; so I am not it the midst of the DD anymore. I am going to start adding more stuff to my life that doesn't revolve around my family. I will take a bible study that a dear friend is leading.

    I want to get well enough that I can connect with some other women and make some great friends. I've lost several due to moves and this DD.

    My youngest daughter asked me tonite if I would try to play tennis with her tomorrow...maybe I will!

    Keep in touch and let me know how your doing!

    Love,
    Tracy
  6. sorekitty

    sorekitty New Member

    I feel your pain. I sooo understand what you are saying. I have a very active 4 year old boy. He has some special needs and things have been so challenging lately. My body hurts and I have to ignor it as best I can. But this week he starts school and I will have 3 hours a day, 4 days a week to recover or get caught up. I actually have two important doctor appointments coming up this week. It is like I cannot take care of myself until he goes back to school. I feel so much guilt at not being able to provide everything he needs. Like that he watches pbs kids until I can get myself awake. Unfortunately, he does not understand at all. He jumps and crashes into me. I've tried to explain my illness. Even looked for books at the library to explain a mommy that is ill but all they had was for breast cancer.

    Once you get into the school routine I bet it will help. I hope so! Best to you!

    Molly
  7. detsgirl

    detsgirl New Member

    I know how you feel, I have 4 kids. My oldest is in High school, I have a 5th grader, and two boys who are 4 and 2 years old. Needless to say, I'm always busy.

    My first marriage was horrible. My ex did not understand what I was going through and the doctors just told him flat out that my problems were in my head and I need counseling. To this day, he still says I have "mental" problems and am just plain lazy. Honestly, I hate that man. But me and the girls got through just fine. Now I'm remarried to my second husband. (Det). He is the best. Yesterday he did all the laundry because I can't get up and down the stairs all day. He mopped the floors and cleaned the kitchen. He told me to just relax today and have fun with the boys.

    My girls are a big help as well. They do stuff around the house and really don't mind. They look it as more time with Mom when its done!

    Morning are the hardest. When I have to go to work, I just get up and push it. I know that is probably not the best way to do it. When I'm at work and its slow, my eyes start to shut!! lol.

    I know I'm probably not helping much. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!!

    Teresa