Three steps forward and Five steps backward....

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by fibrokimm, Oct 21, 2002.

  1. fibrokimm

    fibrokimm New Member

    The title sums up this weekend and continued today. I have been bedridden, fatiqued, ibs, extremely emotional, crying, chronic cognitive impairment and numerous strange and unusual symptoms of CFS/FM persist.

    (My illness was brought on by endometriosis, head injury (panic attacks, insomnia, depression, carpal tunnel) and a total hysterectomy and recently exasperated by a slip and fall which resulted in another head injury and more herniated disks).

    It's not like I am unfamiliar with this long list of complaints...it's just that sometimes I mislead myself in thinking that oh it's not so bad or maybe I have a better hold on this thing... a couple of good days here and there and moments of normalcy... and then I am thrown back into a hellish storm that leaves me feeling that I have very little control...and trying to explain something that is so bizarre, that I barely understand myself to someone else who doesn't have a clue, and who lacks compassion, empathy..well surely you know the drill.

    I'm just so tired of the battle within me. I realize some have it easier or harder than others and I seem to go from one extreme to the other. Managing my life is like a full time job and half the time I feel as if I am running after a two year old and I don't even have children.

    I'm tired of keeping secrets and pretending to be passing for normal, expecially to loved ones and family and friends, disappearing family and friends.

    Today is the color of blue and I know it will pass..it just feels so unbearable now. I realize I am feeling overwhelmed because I am in the process of relocating in less than 13 days and I feel again, so vulnerable to another drastic life change...and it seems to be triggering the losses and mourning all over again...not to mention the anger that I have towards everything that has happened to me, that has never truly been put to rest.

    I find great peace in knowing that I am not unique in my illness and that I am not alone. This board has been a lifeline for me...just knowing that you all are there and that you for the most part understand and know the journey, the pain, suffering as well as the joy that does return and visits for a while.

    I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I found it therapeutic just to get some of these feelings out of me.
    Thanks for listening. I'm going to try to pray and crawl back in bed. Tommarrow is truly another day and hopefully a different color.

    May God bless all of us who face these daily life challenges of FM/CFS.

    God Bless
    fibrokimm
    [This Message was Edited on 10/21/2002]
    [This Message was Edited on 10/21/2002]
  2. fibrokimm

    fibrokimm New Member

    The title sums up this weekend and continued today. I have been bedridden, fatiqued, ibs, extremely emotional, crying, chronic cognitive impairment and numerous strange and unusual symptoms of CFS/FM persist.

    (My illness was brought on by endometriosis, head injury (panic attacks, insomnia, depression, carpal tunnel) and a total hysterectomy and recently exasperated by a slip and fall which resulted in another head injury and more herniated disks).

    It's not like I am unfamiliar with this long list of complaints...it's just that sometimes I mislead myself in thinking that oh it's not so bad or maybe I have a better hold on this thing... a couple of good days here and there and moments of normalcy... and then I am thrown back into a hellish storm that leaves me feeling that I have very little control...and trying to explain something that is so bizarre, that I barely understand myself to someone else who doesn't have a clue, and who lacks compassion, empathy..well surely you know the drill.

    I'm just so tired of the battle within me. I realize some have it easier or harder than others and I seem to go from one extreme to the other. Managing my life is like a full time job and half the time I feel as if I am running after a two year old and I don't even have children.

    I'm tired of keeping secrets and pretending to be passing for normal, expecially to loved ones and family and friends, disappearing family and friends.

    Today is the color of blue and I know it will pass..it just feels so unbearable now. I realize I am feeling overwhelmed because I am in the process of relocating in less than 13 days and I feel again, so vulnerable to another drastic life change...and it seems to be triggering the losses and mourning all over again...not to mention the anger that I have towards everything that has happened to me, that has never truly been put to rest.

    I find great peace in knowing that I am not unique in my illness and that I am not alone. This board has been a lifeline for me...just knowing that you all are there and that you for the most part understand and know the journey, the pain, suffering as well as the joy that does return and visits for a while.

    I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I found it therapeutic just to get some of these feelings out of me.
    Thanks for listening. I'm going to try to pray and crawl back in bed. Tommarrow is truly another day and hopefully a different color.

    May God bless all of us who face these daily life challenges of FM/CFS.

    God Bless
    fibrokimm
    [This Message was Edited on 10/21/2002]
    [This Message was Edited on 10/21/2002]
  3. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    I could have written your post myself many times in this long struggle with FM. We do resent having to be burdened with this illness that no one seems to understand, sometimes we ourselves question our own feelings and hurts too.

    Having to make any kind of dramatic change is so terribly stressful that it makes things worst for us. I could go into a rage at times at just having someone put my hair brush in a different place than where I keep it (so I don't lose it in one of my Fibro Fog days!).

    Yes, it is very helpful to write your true feelings out, especially when you know that these people here do understand how you truly feel. We have all been there at one time or the other in this bumpy road we travel.

    You take care, get some rest and like you said; 'Tomorrow is another day'!

    God bless hon, and I do so hope tomorrow is better for you.

    Shalom, Shirl
  4. fibrokimm

    fibrokimm New Member

    and for your words of wisdom, kindness, compassion and comfort. I feel more hopefilled and validated and I can go to bed now knowing a greater peace.

    Your speedy response to my post only reminds me that I am not alone and that this board and members are truly God Sent.

    God Bless My Sister,

    Fibrokimm


    [This Message was Edited on 10/21/2002]
  5. selma

    selma New Member

    We've been there and vented ourselves. Anger is good if it gets you motivated. But, right now it seems like you have enuf stressors. Moving is a BIG one. Take care not to do too much and don't, if you can help it, let others tell you what you can/can't do or what you should do!!
    Try any relaxation therapy that you know. If you don't know any look it up here or on the web search.
    Good Luck in your new place!
    Know that I'm praying for you. Prayer Works.
    God bless YOU.

    Love, Selma

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