George got home one night and heard a ghostly voice: “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Vegas.” He ignored the voice, but the next evening it happened again, telling him to quit his job, sell his house, take his money and go to Vegas. He heard the same voice every night for a month. Finally George did as the voice instructed. When he got off the plane, again the voice spoke to him: “Go to Harrah’s, to the roulette table.” When he got there, the voice spoke yet again: “Put all your money on number 17.” George obeyed. The croupier wished him luck and spun the wheel. The ball landed on number 21. The ghostly voice spoke once again: “Shit!” ________________________ There was this man who lived in Canada named Paul. He had a house right in the middle of town and no indoor plumbing. Well, the outhouse was quite a ways from the main house. As he got older, the trip to the outhouse in the middle of the night got to be too much for him, so he would go off the front porch and save himself the long walk. Well, this upset his wife a lot, and so she had a talk with him. She patiently explained that he shouldn’t do that, as the neighbours would see him and know what he was doing. She made him promise to not do it anymore and they both agreed to the pact. Well, winter hit and he had to go in the middle of the night so he got up and went outdoors. He came back pretty fast and his wife said to him, “You weren’t gone very long, you went off the porch, eh?” He could not lie to her, so he confessed, “Eh, yep.” She sighed and said, “Ya know, neighbours will know it was you and what you were doing out there!” He said, “Nah, they won’t know it was me, I squatted down!” ________________________ These were supposedly headlines printed in newspapers! Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says No, really? Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that’s taking things a bit far! Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy! Miners Refuse to Work after Death No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-sos! Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works any better than a fair trial! War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect! If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya think?! Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought! Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something! Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?! Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Weren’t they fat enough?! Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That’s what he gets for eating those beans! Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken? Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again! Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Boy, are they tall! And the winner is…. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that right?