Tired, Depresed and feeling quite useless

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Vada, Sep 13, 2005.

  1. Vada

    Vada New Member

    Hi, for those of you who know me, my name is Lavada and go by vada. I have been so very depressed lately that I just feel like I want to give up. I have little energy, a very small support network, can't work, have been driven crazy with filing for LTS, SSDI, State and Local Disability Retirement, etc. I used to be a very good special edication teacher but have not taught since 11/18/2004. I have been in extensive therapy and on numerous drugs since 2001. Since 2004 I have had 3 hospitalizations voluntarily due to medication issues, very high anxiety and panic. My depression was doing fine up until 3 weeks ago. This is the time that my husband went back to teaching, i was home alone alot. I have a form of agorophobia and I have to make myself get out of the house. I hate it, even though I am atte,pting to take a class that meets 2 days an week for 1hr and 15 minutes. I had to cancel yesterday since I was in such a crisis I needed to see my therapist ASAP.

    My sister just let me know that she is able to finally return back to work part time on Monday and that she is also going to do some volunteering at a hospice. She is doing this, she says, to boost her self-esteem and feel usefull to society again.

    This is one of the things I am having a difficult time with since she is 4 years younger than me with RA, diabetes, congested heart problems and in May had major spinal fusions done on her back.

    Here I sit at home, 50 years old, not knowing what my future holds, and really not being able psychologically to even think about work ever again and not able to volunteer since my LTD doesn't allow it.

    I feel that I am digging myself into a deeper hole. I told my therapist that I am barely managing to keep myself funcitoning at the level that I have been and that I feel that I am spiralling down really fast. She has offered suggestions which I am trying, but reallllly bad thoughts still go through and around my head. I want to stay alive, but my past demons and losses since to be winning and it is taking all my emotional, cognitive and behavioral energy to just maintain.

    To top this off I have been in such pain from my fibro and osteoarthritis. I can not take ANY pain meds since I am allergic. The cymbalta that I am on (120 mg in the morning) helps numb the pain but as the day goes by things get worse. The cymbalta is helping to help control my depression from spiralling down to ground level. I am only able to function on the 3rd floor level rather than the 10th floor level. My psych tells me that all she is concerned about is that I remain functioning at the basic human level and that I stay alive.

    I don't know if I should call my psych and let her know what is going on or not. I don't see her in person until the end of the month.

    Sorry for such a long post, but I am very tired of it all. Any suggestions? LaVada
  2. ckk

    ckk New Member

    hello! yes, i have a suggestion, u should really go to see your doc rit away and not wait! talking to her over the phone is not the same as seeing her in person. of course u can come here to vent and let it all out but like u said, u see someone on a proffesional level and that is who u need to speak to. we can listen and be supportive but (speaking for myself) cannot give proffesional advice and that is what you need. in the mean time u said u have no support? what about your husband and sister? and of course us! we understand all the pain u go thru and the no energy! and i have little kids to take care of too so some times it gets real tough. so what do i do? come here and rag to u guys! he,he. take care of yourself vada and no more bad thoughts!!!!!! we care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    ckk
  3. ilovecats94

    ilovecats94 New Member

    I'm sorry you are suffering so much and have a hard time finding meds that will help you that you don't have a reaction to.

    I think I would contact my doc like Ckk advised you to do. I wish I had some constructive advice for you but I don't. But I did want you to know I read your post, hon.

    I don't like getting out of the house much and driving anymore. I have to get out at least once a month to get my hair cut or colored, though.

    I have little energy and I think that is why I don't want to be bothered putting makeup on and going out. To me leaving the house is a big deal.

    I care about you, too, Vada. :)

    Big hugs,
    Faye
  4. orachel

    orachel New Member

    This is the mother of all marathon posts, but you seem like you're really in crisis (and we all know how that is) so I'm hoping something here can help you in some way.

    1) absolutely call your psych asap and make appt to see her. Once a month may not be frequent enough if you're in crisis. When I was dealing with PTSD, I was in my therapists office 3-4 times each week, and sounds very similar to what you describe with EXTREME anxiety, panic, and thoughts of worthlessness.

    2) Have therapist reevaluate/tweak your medication. You just shouldn't be feeling quite this desperate if you are on the right meds. Its natural to be depressed when stuck at home...believe me, I know. I'm newly married and just turned 30, and now suddenly stuck at home and can't work. Its enough to drive anyone batty!

    3) Re: Disability traumas....Remeber this. The insurance companies and SSD are trying to make the process as difficult for you as humanly possible. They're hoping you just give up and go away. Stop getting sad about it, and start getting MAD! They're jerking you around! How dare they, dang it!!! And I know how you feel, too. My ST disability (which started in June!) was just denied for the 3rd time regardless of 5 docs giving tons of information...I went thru a period of crying and railing at the world that it was so darn unfair, and I felt like a useless blob of red, sniffly (you know how your face gets when you really work up a good cry?)idiot. I got over it. You need to get mad at them, and be your own advocate. Write everything down, keep great medical file for yourself. And really, hon, it is suuuupppper difficult to deal with them. If you really just aren't up to it right now, you may want to consider hiring a lawyer who will do everything for you (short term thru SSD) and take a percentage of your back award. Might be worth giving up some money if you just don't think you can handle it right now. Any atty should give you free consultation by phone or in office.

    4)Lack of pain meds is extremely rough. I've been in a MAJOR flare since I got sick in June, and horrific pain levels even when resting a lot of the time. Strongest med I'm on is ultram, 50mgs, and lemme tell you, it doesn't touch the pain. I've started deep breathing (stormyskye posted a great breathing technique to give higher oxygen yesterday...if you can't find it let me know, but its great for pain!)
    Try some Visualization. Pain is great large flaming red ball right on top of body part (do one hurting part at a time) that hurts, as you start at your scalp, tell each body part to relax down to your toes, Cooling blue gel gradually and slowly dribbles down sides of the flaming ball red pain ball until you can almost hear the "hiss" when the flame of pain goes out and is covered in cool, relaxing blue liquid. Sounds nuts, right? If you practice, it makes a huge difference. Other things to possibly look into (I don't know much abt your situation, so some might not work for you) is aquatic therapy. I started last week, and while I was a bit sore at first, and barely do any movement at all in water, it feels so good just to be in o gravity situation. Takes most of the pressure off joints just getting into water.

    But you've gotta know that being all flustered up just aggravates everything with auto immune issues. So try to relax, first thing. Then call your doctor.

    And also, if your psychiatrist actually tells you that all she is concerned about is that you remain alive, functioning at basic human level, you may want to consider seeing another doctor to see if its a better match. No matter what your circumstances, you deserve a HECK of a lot more than basic survival, and your doctor should know that, and be willing to do anything within her power to help you get the life you deserve. Everyone here has major limitations, but you must demand more than basic survival for yourself!!!!

    All the best, and post whenever you need to. I'm home a ton, so if you just need someone to talk to (or vent to!) feel free to post to me.
    Rachel
  5. ImDigNiT

    ImDigNiT New Member

    I know completely what you are going through. I have many of same issues as you. You need to contact your therapist right away!

    I also do not go anywhere and have a tough time when I do. However, I am in Denver going to the FFC center here and I am from Florida. I am staying at my daughters while undergoing treatment.

    I too am going through all the paperwork work for Social Security and long term disability and it feels like it is a fulltime job and never ending.

    It is so beautiful here and yet I have not been able to enjoy it because of the panic, pain and on and on. I am making a committment to myself that no matter how I feel on Thursday, my son wants to drive me to the beautiful mountains here and no matter how I feel that day if I have to go in my pjs I will go.

    I have been stuck in the house for four weeks almost and I think it may help me to get out and see the beauty that is our there. I wish for you the very best and if you ever need me as we have so many of the same issues I am here for you.

    Gentle Hugs,
    Marcia
  6. Empower

    Empower New Member

    Sorry you are feeling so bad lately

    I know all about agoraphobia, because I suffered from it years ago

    I can tell you that you CAN get better with it, but you have to venture out a little bit a day if you can...staying close to home at first

    I ALSO have been spiralling down with depression, but I think CYMBALTA is partly to blame. You may want to talk to your doctor about this. I swear Cymbalta worsened my depression

    Good Luck
  7. orachel

    orachel New Member

    I don't know anything abt Cymbalta, but I do know that just about every antidepressant out there can literally CAUSE SUICIDAL TENDENCIES in someone. Many of them can't be scrip'd to teens any longer, because of this. And I do know that just cause something used to work for you, doesn't mean it isn't hurting you now. Body chemistry changes with diet, etc...