To all who have lost loved ones/parents particularly! Please read

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by fivesue, Dec 29, 2005.

  1. fivesue

    fivesue New Member

    So here I am at home, tired, thinking about Dad, going through my daysbut it's almost like I'm walking in a dream...nightmare, that is. Everything is going on and I'm functioning, but I just feel weird...do you know what I mean?

    It's like....OK, Dad, we had your service and now that's over so come back and let's get back to normal. Now that's weird, but I can't help thinking that. We had to go through the beginning pain, but now that it's over, come on home, Dad. We miss you. Anyone felt like that?

    I know one thing that is so much clearer to me. I have a much better grasp of Heaven because my dad's there beyond a shadow of a doubt. I know he is one of the "crowd of wittnesses" that are mentioned in the book of Hebrews, the crowd that is cheering us on, and I can talk to him and Heaven seems very real to me now. I have always believed in the afterlife, but since Dad is gone, it just seems like it is more crystal clear because he's up there joking, encouraging us, helping us just like he did all his life on earth.

    I have always talked to God, but it seems that I can talk to Dad because I know what he looks like. Make sense? I have a relationship with God and He has been good to me, but I have had a earthly relationship with my dad...and he has shown me how a father should be...how he loves which is how we can gauge God's love X's an infinite number. We can't comprehend that kind of love.

    Just wondered if anyone has had thoughts about this. I have read that several of you have lost loved ones just recently and I do convey my sympathy to you. Blessings as you work through to a new reality.

    Guess I'm just in a reflective mood...it's been 2 weeks and so many times I think, "I have to tell Dad this." That's a toughie for me. Just wondered how you others have handled this kind of loss. I am so thankful I have a relatively young, healthy mother.

    Must go help my poor sick husband...some yucky bug but thankfully he will have several days off to rest.

    Blessing to all of you in 2006. I count each of you a special gift. Please take care of yourselves so that we can continue to share, laugh, weep, and live our lives together.

    Sue
  2. Kacjac

    Kacjac New Member

    touched my heart today.......many hugs to you, Sue!
    This is a very tough journey you are on now, couldn't even begin to tell how hard it will be, they say it gets easier, but I wouldn't believe them, and now I know why, because it just doesn't , not for the loss of parents or even children for that matter!
    The reason, it touched me so, today, I was in the bathroom, helping the little lady I have taken care of for 3 years, shower! Why, I got so effected today, I don't have a clue, but as I was drying her hair, and picking her perm out, It almost like I had a flashback, to when I helped my own Mom, hair color, and perm about the same as Mom's, so I get finished, and later told of the incident, in the bathroom, and just started crying, and saying I miss my Mom so bad!
    This year makes 20 years she's been gone, she was only 56, I was 30! Too young, too young!!!!
    It's hard at any age!
    I'm so sorry for your grief!
    ((((((SUE))))))
  3. DLsGroovyMoM

    DLsGroovyMoM New Member

    Although I did not loose a parent I have recently "lost" a very dear friend to...the s word...shh...and I can totally relate to how you are feeling. My husband was much closer to this friend as he had taken my hubby in when as a younge teen his own mother died in his arms. We were actually just talking about this the other day...about how we feel so disconnected from the world, while still doing our daily "stuff". The feelings are so close to the surface that anything sets us off into a void of depression.

    It has been a little longer for us...sept12 (which coinsidently (sp) was the same day I got my diagnosis...but we still do the "I need to call Chad and tell him..." Hubby and I both found a new assurance in God...as we too KNOW that Chad is in Heaven keeping a watchful eye on us. I know that God must have been (is still) with us as without Him I feel sure we wouild not have made it through the freakishly wild range of emotions and depression we have encountered since then.

    And I don't think I could have said it any better than your
    "but now that its' over,come on home, we miss you" While in some part of your head you know that they are gone...but other parts of your brain...the ones connected to your heart and memories just will not come to grips that it is all real.

    Again I am so sorry for your loss...I will keep you and my family in my prayers! And I will listen or talk if ever you need to.

    Hugs and Love
    Amy

  4. sunshine54

    sunshine54 New Member

    I lost my birthmom this past April. I talk to her daily and can't wait to get to heaven to be with her.

  5. Tantallon

    Tantallon New Member

    I lost my dad when I was 23 (20 yrs ago) I still talk to him now and sometimes wish he was still here but eventually you do just get on with the task of living your life. It's still too soon for you to know what I mean but you will eventually.

    I can completely relate to what you are saying and the thoughts that you are experiencing, I felt the same when my dad died. I never accepted he was going to die until near the end, then it was like a curtain was pulled away and I could see the reality of the situation and it hit me like a brick.

    You will slowly start to grieve less and less as time goes on but there will always be a certain gap which he filled.

    Peace to all of you,
    love Sue.
  6. shep

    shep New Member

    I can relate to all that has been said in the above post. Both my parents have passed away. But, I don't look at it as "lost them"; I know where they are.
    My dad was an alcoholic and I just have to pray and ask God to help me trust that he is in the hands of a merciful God.
    My mom left this world 4 years ago. She suffered from fibro for several years and was in much pain. The last year she lived we talked several times about her going home and leaving this mortal body behind and going to a place of peace and rest and being pain free. She said she had raised her children and saw her grandchildren grown and she was homesick and wanted to go home.
    Although I miss her more than I can say, I am happy she is at peace and painfree.
    I don't go to the cemetary, I know my mom is not there. I talk to her all the time. I believe there is a great gulf fixed between here and there and she can see all the good, but none of the bad things...if she could it would not be heaven. I see her in the smell of flowers, or the smell of a good cooked meal, I feel her in the fresh rain or a snowflake. My mom had a great sense of humor and I feel her when we are laughing at some of the crazy things I do because of fibro fog..she has it too and would do crazy things and could not remember words she wanted to say..and I would finish her sentences.
    I stuggled for a long time after my dad died. I did not have a sense of what a Father should be..loving, kind, caring and providing..mine never did that. But, after he passed and God helped me forgive my dad, slowly I became able to see God in a new light..the light He had always been..I just could not see it.
    God has been so real to me. With both parents gone, I too felt like a orphan. I was too young at age 50 to have both parents gone. This has made me want to be closer to God and have a more intimate relationsip with Him. as he molds and makes me each day into what he wants me to be; as He prepares me for my trip home...where there will be a great homecoming. I don't know exactly what heaven will be like, but I know it will be perfect and just want we need, all that we need, for eternity.
    I pray for each of you as you work through your grief. Just talk to God like you would anyone else. He is not "a great high priest that cannot be reach by humans, but a kind and loving father that can be touched by our infirmitaries." "He knows what we need before we ask or think."
    Love to all,
    Shep
  7. kch64

    kch64 New Member

    Dear Fivesue,

    My dad died when I was three and my mom died in SEP 2003. I was very close to her. She was a special lady and mom.

    Its the hardest thing to lose someone you love so much. Our parents (most of them) do so much for us, and we depend on them even in our adulthood, to guide us and talk with us and just be there in our lives. When they're gone, it's a terrible emptiness.

    However, you know where your dad is and I know where my parents are. So we have that assurance of them being there when we go on.

    Its still hard, but take it a day or an hour at a time. I will tell you it does get harder before it gets easier, so don't be surprised if you find yourself grieving very hard at times.

    Just go with it and don't try to block out the pain. If you do, it will make it harder.

    Big Hugs.
    Kendra
    [This Message was Edited on 12/30/2005]
  8. bozey

    bozey New Member

    I know exactly what you are saying. My Mom passed away in 1970 at age 36, I was 17. I still miss her to this day. She missed all the highlights of my life, graduation, wedding, grandchildren, greatgrandchildren. All through my life I have wished boy, I wish my Mom was here to see this, or boy, my Mom would just love this grandbaby to pieces. She was a softy for babies. They would've all been more spoiled than they are.

    And sometimes, just a small everyday thing will spark it. It is something you will never get over. But in time, it does get easier.

    My Dad passed in 2002 and I spent alot of time with him before that. I miss him so much. I was the only girl with 2 brothers. But, my youngest brother died 10 years ago at age 38. He and I were close since he was only 13 when our Mom died. I have one brother left and only see him a few times a year but talk to him more often. I raised his daughter as my own from when she was 4 years old to 6 yrs old. Her mother was killed in a car accident. And then she came back to live with me when she was 17 til she was 19. We are still very close and she thinks of me as Mom and both my kids think of her as a big sister.

    I'm sorry, I've gotten off the subject. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is hard and my heart goes out to you. I guess the best advice I can give is take it one day at a time. And, like another poster said, one day you will realize, hey, it's been a week since I've thought about Dad. And the time will get longer and longer unless, you want to think about him.

    Good luck and just go with it. Time is the best healer. God will help you put your heart back together.

    HUGS
    bozey
  9. kch64

    kch64 New Member


    Bozey,

    I'm so sorry about your parents too. Your mom was so young. It seems so unfair.

    Hugs to all of us that have parents departed.


    Kendra
  10. kgangel

    kgangel New Member

    oh sue,

    I just started crying when I read this, it brought it all back for me, you said it beautifully.

    My father died when I was in College and having a hard time with adulthood what I was going to do with my life and also knowing that he was sick and would not be around much longer. They were tough times. But because my father , like your dad, taught me the love of a father and of our God in heaven, that I knew he was with me always too.

    I still miss him so much, even though it was 30 yrs ago almost now.

    The memories do get better and the pain you feel now does ease, but I will never forget him or be sad that he misses the good things that happen to me know . But I do know he is in my heart and even though he is not here with us, he is still watching over us.

    God Bless you and your family. I am praying this will be a blessed New Year for you and that your hubby will be feeling better soon

    Thanks for posting

    Hugs,
    kgangel
  11. Noralyn

    Noralyn New Member

    Very, extremely hard. My parents are both gone.

    My Dad took his life about 11 yrs. ago due to suffering from pain in his legs for 1o years prior, and my Mother died 5 years ago from Colon Cancer.

    I was with Mom when she died because with the help of Hospice and God, I was blessed to be able to care for her in her own home until she died. When she died I was right by her side. The very moment when she took her last breath I had a very "real" feeling come over me of wanting to slowly and gracefully fall and drift into her soul and go with her as she made her transition. This was so intense.

    Many times after Mom and Dad had both been gone, I wanted to pitch a small tent by them and live there. Just like a dog that has lost it's Master. Sounds goofy doesn't it? I needed to get past the acceptance part of greiving.

    If you do a google on "Adult Orphans" there is alot of info. on this. It is a very real issue and I fell upon it one night while surfing.

    To anyone who is suffering amd/or mourning I wish you strength, courage, and a strong Faith with all of God's blessings. I still sometimes expect to get a call from Mom. However, just as quickly as that hits my mind, it also very quickly turns into the realizaton that she is gone and this is not going to happen.

    Thanks for this post which gave the opportunity to write about my loved ones again!

    Noralyn....keep the Faith
  12. fivesue

    fivesue New Member

    Thank you for your understanding and for your willingness to share your feelings and experiences. I am so touched by the losses you have endured, some at such a very young age. My, I am very blessed to be 58, have parents who stayed married, and parents who have loved me for so many years. For those of you with me in the first stages of loss, I pray for each of you as we journey through this together.

    For all that have walked this path for many years, going through all the stages, I thank you for your wisdom and pray for you as you, too, miss your loved ones still. And, those who have lost people because of suicide...I am unable to comprehend what horrible pain that must hold. We all need prayer to live this life. We all need to know the God to whom we pray, also, to know that He does care, knows and understands us having felt the losses we have felt.

    I will continue to talk to Dad...it seems that this is what you all do and it helps. And, like every other thing in our lives, I will walk it one day at a time. Thank you for warning me about trying to rush the process.; I tend to want to make everything right immediately. I am very concerned that my mom may be doing that; she is just too darn practical! (-: I'm more like my dad.

    Just know you have helped me to see this is a process, that all people experience this and actually live through it! You are all so great, you know? What would I do without you?

    So, today is the another step through grief as it is another step in living with our DD (dumb headache today)! We are having horrible rain, all the rivers are flooding, etc. but this happens often in our area. However, the dampness and the cold are giving me fits...hips, legs, back, hands...you guys know the drill. )-:

    Hope you have a good day and a good New Year's holiday. Another challenge is right around the corner....2006. Let's do it together!

    Love and hugs to all,
    Sue

  13. pepper

    pepper New Member

    I know exactly how you are feeling. I lost my mom a little over 10 yrs ago and my dad 2 yrs later. Although I was closest to my mom in life, I became very close to my dad during his last 2 yrs without her. He was so ill and so lonely and I grew to love him more than ever.

    When he passed, it was the most difficult thing in the whole world for me and my sisters. As others have mentioned, we felt like orphans although we were in our 40's.

    I still miss them, especially my dad, and talk to him every day. I feel his presence and dream about both of them often. He is over there helping me in my daily struggle. It is kind of nice having a "connection" over there.

    Both my parents had vivid visions before they left. Somehow that is comforting that others who had gone before had come to get them. I know that they will be waiting for me too.

    The first year is the hardest - getting through the first Christmas, the first Father's Day, the first birthdays without them. I can't tell you the number of times I picked up the phone to call one of my parents - only to remember that they were gone.

    I found that crying and recognizing how much I missed them helped me to heal. I don't think that hole can ever be filled and you will always miss your dad. But do allow yourself a year at least to grieve for your loss and know that it will get easier eventually.

    ((((HUGS)))) for you, Sue.
    Pepper

  14. fivesue

    fivesue New Member

    I'm glad you did reply as before my dad died, I watched other people go through this experience. My husband's father died January, 2005....almost a year ago. Jim did fine, but then hit a depressive stage which has required antidepressants. He's a guy, though. (DUH!) He doesn't talk as openly as women do about these emotional matters even though he is a very sensitive person and does talk more than others. So, I really didn't know what to expect.

    And you are asking for help in anticipating what is coming which is very wise; however, knowing in your head and knowing in your heart are two entirely different things, but having some knowlege of what happens is at least a preparation.

    With you, I hope that you won't feel guilty and think that if you had done something differently, etc. things would be different. That would be my tendancy. They have made choices to be who they are and do what they did...not your responsibility.

    I just hope in this next year that you will be able to understand and start healing some of the many hurts you have from them...for your sake, for your well-being. Also, should they honestly reach out, I hope you will have the wisdom to know how to procede. I'm in deep waters here as I don't know what you've endured, but just thinking about you and your emotional well-being. I may be way off and please forgive me if this is hurtful in any way.

    I will pray for you. You are a giving person and I count it a pleasure to give you some support as you anticipate the loss that's coming.

    Hugs,
    Sue
  15. CarolK

    CarolK New Member

    {{{Big Hugs}}} to you! I know how you feel! I lost my Dad in 1983... I never knew life without my Daddy!! I didn't know how to face each day without him! He was a flawed man, like we all are, but a very loving and good Daddy!

    In my pain and loss, I cried out to God and asked Him to fill the void that my father had left. WOW!! Was I surprised when God met me at the very heart of my need!! I thought I knew the love of a Father ... but it wasn't until after my earthly father passed away that I experienced the truest, deepest love of my Heavenly Father!! He more than met my need.. He filled the void of loosing my earthly father in such a deep and profound way.

    All I can say Sue is that while I still miss him, God took away the mourning... He took away the pain and replaced it with His own love!! I would tenderly suggest to you Sue, that you ask God to fill the void that your father has left in your heart. Give God your mourning and pain and then just watch what He will do for you!! He is able to do "exceedingly, abundantly, above all we can ask or think"!!

    If He can do it for me... I know that in His great love and care for you, He will do the same! Just be willing Sue to release all the pain, hurt, loss and loneliness to HIM... you will be amazed at the love and healing He will pour into your heart.. He is after all... THE GREAT PHYSCIAN... THE HEALER OF BROKEN HEARTS!! TRUST HIM TO HEAL YOURS SUE!

    Blessings To You Sue.... CarolK

    PS... I lost my sweet Mother in 1996... God also filled that void as well... Nobody can heal you like God can!!!
    [This Message was Edited on 12/30/2005]
  16. GBHope

    GBHope New Member

    I lost my Dad on August 27. He was 89 years old. He had a good, long life. Just the last couple years were the pits because he was in a nursing home. Wish I could have been well and been there for him. He helped me a lot when I first got sick and I miss him SOOOO much!!!! Sometimes I feel like he is here with me. Don't know why, since I was taught growing up that the dead know nothing per the Bible. I just feel him though and don't know why. Well, I hope that he is at peace whereever he is. I have been so depressed since he passed away, plus I'm going through menopause at the same time. Yes Sue, I know how you feel. It just doesn't seem real to me either.

    GBHope
  17. CarolK

    CarolK New Member

    bumping for Sue
  18. fivesue

    fivesue New Member

    Thankfully, I had a father who pointed me to the Lord at a young age...and he faithfully showed the way all these years. Yes, he was human and flawed, but even that is comforting because we all are and that makes it possible for all to know God.

    Yes, Carol, God does comfort the soul, fill the void with Himself, but I've discovered that manytimes because I'm a flawed creation, it is not an instant fix and many,many times God uses people, people like all of you, to help give the comfort. He seems to use people to help other people. And you are one of them! (-: And so the process continues.

    The sadness of life...and the treasure of people...such a great comfort to me.

    Blessings and peace to all.

    Sue

  19. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    1997. When he died they were living in W.Va and I live in Arizona. I couldn't get to the funeral, so it took me a much longer time to accept his death. I do think a funeral is healing for the family. Then when my mom died it was here, she had been remarried only short of two years. I took care of her in her new home with Hospice in the back ground. She was diagnosed with cancer and died 21 short days later! It was just too shocking and fast for me to accpet much less believe.

    I still have trouble all this time later accepting that either one of them is gone. My mom chose to be cremated and the remains sent back to W.Va to be buried by my dad. I have never seen the graves with the headstone in place. With my severe FM I don't think I will ever be able to take the trip to see them, and I think it would help me a lot.

    I can tell you that even in my situation it does get easier. I still have days when I'm flaring and I literally cry out for my mother. I always called her when I was sick, as a kid it was always her I wanted if I was hurt or sick. But this was the first year that I didn't remember all day both days on their birthdays. I couldn't believe it and felt really guilty. But then I decided that it was ok because I haven't forgotten THEM at all and never will.

    Take care and everyone is right about going through the pain and all the steps because any one you try to go over or skip will just hit that much harder later on. Take care of yourself, you are still in the phase where physical problems can happen. Anything from getting dizzy, to being
    accident prone. Eat well and get as
    much rest as you can when you can. I am so sorry for your loss! Bambi