**TO ALL** == WHO Taught Me How To Be STRONG!

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by S-Elaine, Jun 23, 2010.

  1. S-Elaine

    S-Elaine Member

    TO ANYONE CURIOUS about how I can fall apart and then pull myself back up and BATTLE what or who I need to ~~~~ Most recently Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD. This is how ...

    The Major Depressive Disorder has been a RECENT MONSTER. Thankfully, it is being "managed"!

    Below, I am reposting information that I hope could be helpful. I will add the 2nd part of my background story with Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, as well as dealing with Depression.

    This is my real life story about my Father who was MY TEACHER, and I became his STUDENT.

    He never told me at the time he “enrolled me in a course” and it was to teach me how to live with my medical conditions and to develop coping skills.

    I will always be grateful to him for the information he so generously shared with me.
    Take care,

    I got my strength (mentally and physically) from my Father. He had Parkinson's for 19 years & RA for 29 years.

    Strange thing is when I got really sick, was severely depressed and 100% bedridden-----my Dad was the ONLY person I responded to. (I stopped talking, stopped caring and gave up.)

    I felt “useless”, “worthless” and like an “extreme burden” upon anybody who had to take care of me. I could not even feed myself because lifting up my arms was not something I could do. I had to be fed the way you would a child.

    I had to be carried to the bathroom and I had to be given my medication. None of this was anything I could do on my own & I believe this greatly contributed to my Severe Depression at the time.

    My Father was persistent and was not about to let me continue like that. He would get in his wheelchair every day and come into my bedroom to talk to me. I did not answer him for weeks. I had nothing to say to anybody and I just wanted to be left alone.

    Again, my Dad refused to give up on me. I finally responded to him when he said...."We walk in similar shoes, so I understand how you feel." (He meant we both have illnesses. They have different names, but they affect us in similar ways.)

    That caught my attention, and I finally spoke to him. He phrased things for me in a way that made me think.


    == Do you want to spend the rest of your life being miserable ... OR do you want to learn how to accept it and deal with it? You can move forward and create a happy life for yourself.

    == The word "disabled" does NOT mean you can no longer do things. It just means you have to learn how to do things differently.

    == You can be as mad as you want for as long as you want. It's up to you, but that attitude will get you no where.

    == Are you planning on never even trying to walk again?

    == Be proud of who you are. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Hold your head up high.

    == Allow yourself to grieve periodically. It's natural and you will need to. The rule is to not let those negative feelings linger more than 1 day. When you go to bed...hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

    == Stop praying to God that you won’t wake up the next day. God will NOT answer that prayer for you. Try to ask him for other things & remember to be reasonable.

    == Do not let this illness become your whole entire life. Learn how to incorporate it INTO your life. You can have a life outside of this illness.

    I'll never forget the day he convinced me I could get out of bed. He told me to be very careful, sit on the side of the bed, and slowly lower myself to the floor. I did then I looked at him and said...."now what???"

    He said..."see if you can crawl to the doorway." I did and when I got their I smiled. My Dad then said..."the bathroom is on your right and if you go down the hallway, you will get to the kitchen."

    He was so nonchalant about it, making it sound like it was so easy to do.
    It gave me hope just to know, I could get out of bed and crawl to another room ALL by myself!!

    I crawled until my legs got strong enough to use a walker. With my walker, my Dad and I used to race in the back yard. He had to put his electric wheelchair on SLOW to make our races fair. Eventually, I no longer needed the walker.

    My inspiration is my Father. That's part of my background story.

    I will attach to this the 2nd part.

    Wishing ALL of you well. Take care.

    == Elaine[This Message was Edited on 06/23/2010]
  2. S-Elaine

    S-Elaine Member

    MORE++ Inspirational Words of Encouragement / Part 2

    As I posted before, this advice and guidance my Father gave me helped in changing my life, my perspective & outlook. I put his words in quotes (“.....”), because these are HIS words, not mine. I’m just passing them along hoping they may help others.


    == “On the days when you are in pain, acknowledge it is going to be a tough day & take it easy. Still get some things done. Small things and rest in between. This will give you a sense of accomplishment that you can still be productive even on the days when you are not feeling well.”

    == “Do not be angry because you have to use a walker at such a young age. Look at it as a means of transportation. The walker will help you get to where you need to go when ever you want. And, maybe some day you will no longer need the walker. I did not care so much for my own wheel chair at first. When I realized where it could take me, then I liked it.”

    == “You have tried to take your life 2 times, and you managed to survive. Do you now realize it is not your time to go yet? You have a future ahead of you and most importantly, you have a life to live. Please do not forget about that.”

    == “Always remember where you once were, so you can be proud of where you are at now. Never forget about the bad condition you were in before. That will always help remind you of how hard you worked.”

    == “Do not be ashamed of your illness. In what others see as our greatest weaknesses, God perceives as our greatest strengths. We are still useful. We can still do things and contribute. Perhaps we might have to learn how to contribute in a different way though.”

    == “When a doctor tells you that you can no longer do things, take what they say into serious consideration. Test yourself to see if the doctor is right or wrong. Make sure you are very careful when you do this. Sometimes the doctors will be right & sometimes they might be wrong. Remember your doctors were wrong about you never walking again because look at you now.”

    = “Try not to get overly frustrated if you are unable to do something on a particular day. Just because you are not able to do it today, does not mean that you will not be able to do it tomorrow, or the next day. Eventually, you will be able to do it.”

    == “I am teaching you about all of these tools that you will need to use for the rest of your life. That is what happens when you have a medical condition. Look at these TOOLS as GIFTS. They were given to me, and now I am giving them to you. When you learn how to successfully use them and no longer need them, give them away to others. Keeping them and not sharing would be selfish. Some people may want them, and some may not. Always be respectful of their decision.”

    My father was my teacher. He took it upon himself to personally show me with an illness you can still have a happy, full, and rewarding life. He was a very happy man, and he had Parkinson’s for 19 years along with Rheumatoid Arthritis for 29 years. (Believe it or not, he considered himself a lucky person!!) That always amazed me!!!

    My hope is that others can possibly benefit in some way from these words.

    Wishing all of you the very best. Take care.

    == Elaine
  3. jmq

    jmq New Member

    Hi == Elaine!!!

    I know you must have thought I dropped off the earth. I kinda did....long story. But I am ok and back to see how everyone is. I always find your posts so inspirational. It will take me awhile to go back and check on everything I have missed so I will get started and talk to you soon.

    I have missed you my caped friend....

  4. jmq

    jmq New Member

    Hi == Elaine!!!

    I know you must have thought I dropped off the earth. I kinda did....long story. But I am ok and back to see how everyone is. I always find your posts so inspirational. It will take me awhile to go back and check on everything I have missed so I will get started and talk to you soon.

    I have missed you my caped friend....

  5. S-Elaine

    S-Elaine Member

    jmq ...... ah, my dear friend.

    I fell off the face of the earth and really went down!

    If you want to catch up on my story of battling ~~~~ MAJOR DEPRESSION & how I relapsed, I will cut & paste and include the most of it below. so you don't have to sift through messages:

    I have missed you too as well.

    == Elaine (****WARNING IT IS A LONG READ & take Breaks!)


    I wanted to make a separate post because I know I must have startled many of you.

    FIRST ======= I have to apologize. I am so very sorry for worrying any or all of you. I should not have done that and I ask for forgiveness. I regret not coming back sooner after I last posted. I have been through a tremendous amount and my “Harassment” Court Case was just last week.


    SECOND ===== Do you know THIS Message Board is also my life line. It is the place where I am understood despite what the world throws at me. Some how, it must have been meant to be for me to come here and find all of you. People I cannot forget about or turn my back on. Those who I worry about at night & pray for.

    Many times I pray for you, my friends, and keep telling myself ------- I can “wait” or “hold on longer”. Although, I cannot lie to myself either. I see I push myself beyond belief. I have probably been doing that for years.

    Reality does have to set in & I am not always strong, though.

    I wonder WHY did I some how view Cervical Cancer as something more “manageable” than ------ Major Depressive Disorder???? (Maybe because I knew with Chemo, there would be a cure! End in sight, perhaps.)

    I do not in any way shape or form like this thing called MDD. Fibromyalgia isn’t fun either and Chronic Fatigue is simply exhausting. The more I talk to my Counselor, the more I see the areas I was “vulnerable” in. The more I see all of the cycles that I follow. I still get the label of MDD because of what I did and I take ownership for my poor choices. I do not question the consequences either. This is life and it never is easy.

    Sadly, I am one who can move into the “self destruct mode” & can make sense out of NONSENSE! I even scare myself at times.


    NOT TO FEAR though, my friends ----- I am on very, very, very SOLID GROUND for the first time in ….. I don’t even remember how long. I will never allow Family Members tell me how I should feel or what bothers me shouldn’t.

    Also, I have LEARNED so much though all of this. I cannot put a price tag on how valuable this information and experiences will serve me well in going forward.


    Additionally, my Counselor and Psychiatrist are surprised my new Anti-Depressant is helping me in other ways we did not expect. I’ll have to get into that at another time.

    They feel I am dealing with an extremely high level of PTSS …… Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and perhaps less Depression than what they originally thought.

    The “Trauma” would be from the excessive and continual emotional and physical abuse I have gone through over the course of 5 and ½ years with my Sister and her Partner. After briefly updating my Psychiatrist of the “highlights” of what the abuse was like, he put it in the level of ------ emotional at an astronomical level.

    Then, there was even more hurt when my Mother and Brothers were not “hearing me”. Everything I was saying kept falling on “deaf ears” and they dismissed me and my feelings.


    THIRD ====== For anyone who does not know what I have been going through, here is the gist!

    == End of December, I was in the ER, ICU and In Patient Mental Health Center because of my own poor choices and actions.

    == I’m left without a FMS & CFS Specialist, again because of MY wrong actions and my “RELAPSE STATISTICS” are 95 to 100%.

    == Mid January, put back in another Facility for 9 / 10 days because my Mother and Older Brother were fearful “I was a threat to myself again.” Family could NOT understand all of the abuse I went through with my Sister & her Partner and my family certainly did NOT understanding me either.

    == Still searched for a FMS Specialist or anyone who would take me as a new patient. I finally find one towards the end of Feb and he has been working on getting my pain under control.

    == Mid March, phone calls from my Sister’s Partner came and she unleashed more hatred towards me and REPETITIVELY said KEY WORDS over and over again. Words nobody should ever hear nor deserve. Also telling me how …. “I am always the problem and EVERYONE hates me !” My Mother called her back and then my Mother was on the receiving side of insults, cruel and TOXIC behavior.

    == I did get back on the phone myself because I wanted to protect my Mother. My Mother was becoming hysterical and was no match for this “demented, disturbed, sick & vengeful” person. My Sister’s Partner continued to rant and rave. Accusing me of things I have not done to her and ALL OF THAT ended up going in MY favor for the Legal Action I needed to take next.

    == End of March, my Mother calls 911 again because she is not sure if I am stable or not. I’m back in the Hospital and released the same day with my Mother being told ------ “Go to her Counseling Sessions with your Daughter to LEARN about what she has been through.”

    == My Mother does not come to any of my Sessions and I am left trying to Counsel her too.

    == I have been seeing my Counselor 2 times per week since the 2nd week of January. She is amazing and works well with me.

    == My FMS Flare Up that was triggered mid September of last year was finally addressed with Lyrica. Seems like that Flare went for 8 or so months.

    == My Psychiatrist finally got me on the proper Anti-Depressant and he just increased the dosage last week.


    ……. Posting this message for now. I will let all of you know the outcome of the Harassment Charges & Court Case against my Sister’s Partner. That will follow in a day or so.


    Since the Court Case, both my Mother and I have a ----- "PERMANENT NO CONTACT ORDER" from my Sister's Partner, for the rest of our lives !

    We did not end up having a Trial because her Lawyer faxed my Lawyer phone records where she was saying ------ I made excessive calls to her & they had a tape recorded message of me threatening her !"

    OH, it was so ridiculous and my Lawyer did not even get the opportunity to hear this "so called message" & I knew the phone records were not accurate. It was all thrown at me while the Court Session already started.

    It took me about a good 20 minutes to decide on dropping the "Harassment" charges against my Sister's Partner and take the Judge's Permanent No Contact Order.

    I didn't want to, yet my Mother never would have made it through a full blown Trial.

    I considered having the Court Trial myself, but then it would have dragged out even longer & I didn't know how much more I could push myself to fight against them.

    My Sister was going to testify against me. Also I know my Sister will LIE and do what ever it takes to protect her Partner and wasn't even concerned about our Mother.

    I decided I couldn't do that to my Mother. I know I did not leave any "harassing or threatening" messages for either my Sister OR her Partner.

    Also, after reviewing the phone records, my Sister's Partner even came up with these "excessive" phone calls because she put their HOME Phone # & my Sister's BUSINESS Phone # ( ----- which use to be in our house & my Mother would use our phone to call their BUSINESS phone to retrieve messages & then call my Sister's HOME to give my Sister the messages from their Cusstomers !)

    Regardless, both of them knew they were lying and were planning on continuing to battle with me.

    The Judge started reading my Affidavit, my request for a Permanent No Contact Order instead of a Temporary one, a letter from my Mother explaining all we have been through and was able to read the Transcript of 1 of the 4 messages my Sister's Partner made on April 19.

    The Judge read as much as he could while he was waiting for me and my Lawyer outside and for me to make my decision.

    Thankfully, the Judge DID NOT go lightly on my Sister's Partner and in the end, I did get what I have wanted for years.

    == NOT allowing My Sister's Partner IN our house or even be able to CALL our house. No letters emails OR ANY form of communication from her to ME & my MOM.

    == I would have liked the same for my Sister, but this is my Mom's house. (Meaning just not allowing my Sister to come in our House yet still have a relationship with my Mother and other family members.)

    == ALSO, My Sister's Partner is NOT allowed to talk about ME or discuss ME with my 2 Brothers. I didn't tell them because this could be my way of TRAPPING her.

    == Judge is leaving this Case open for 1 full year. If she breaks any of the above, my Case gets immediately RE-OPENED and she will be prosecuted to the full extent.

    == When 1 year passes, then I'd have to open up another Case, yet I have this prior case as ........ "I dismissed the Harassment Charges and was given the above."

    It took me a few days to recover after Court. My Mother wanted to take me back to the Hospital because I could not sleep and the horrible dreams & nightmares CAME back.

    I'd fall to sleep for a few minutes & be jolted awake of things my Sister and her Partner did or said to me.

    I also needed to keep myself stable because I was on over load too.

    It finally all passed after I was able to sleep and not have the "nightmares".

    My Counselor was there for me at a moment's notice.

    My Psychiatrist upped the medication he gave me for Depression and it is also for Post TRAUAMATIC STRESS Syndrome.

    When I told him what was taking place with me and he asked me to refresh his memory of the Abuse I went through with those 2 ------ he feels I am dealing with an incredible amount of PTSS disorder and more of a mild Depression.

    For now, it is still called "Major Depressive Disorder" because of the Suicide only being 5 and 1/2 months behind me.

    After 1 year, then my Counselor and Psychiatrist will re-evaluate me and see how they both view me.

    I have been doing VERY WELL for the past few days and am feeling better each day.

    I just need all of the PAST finally in the past and I am still in "recovery mode".

    HUGS to ALL,
    == Elaine