TO HONORA

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Marta608, Jun 20, 2006.

  1. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Ha! I did it. I posted a "private" post. I just answered yours on the ongoing thread about, I think, What Do You Do When.... But I forgot to answer your question about housing and remembered only when I checked my mail and there, VOILA, is a response to my morning email to the referenced website from this morning.

    Since I have a background in (a lot of things but mostly) interior, structrual and construction design management I've been thinking for years about a commuity just for the likes of us. Of course, that assumes that we don't get better and that's the down side of the dream. Now, of course, I'm here, not there where the address is. Tomorrow I'll try to post it as best I can without giving a link which is not allowed as I recall.

    In my day dreams I visualized a large number of acres, some treed, some with a stream (thinking big here) with secluded, small condos on it which could be purchased reasonably by those with CFS/FM. Also on the property, in easy reach, would be a large lodge containing a big but cozy gathering room which I see with paneled walls, bookcases, a big fireplace and very comfy chairs with ottomans. There would also be a dining room large enough to hold us all; a kitchen for preparing food (a cook!); bathrooms; a nursing station; an apartment for the manager whom we would hire to keep things flowing evenly; perhaps a pool with hot tub and sauna for soaking aching bodies and showers.

    Of course there would need to be either a groundskeeper or we would contract grounds help. We would have walking trails, a veggie garden where those of us who could and wanted to could dig in the dirt. Flowers would abound as well as wildlife. We'd have a community car or two or a car service for those who didn't have or didn't want their own vehicles. We would all pay dues to cover the cost of all this and we would also find grants/funding so the cost wouldn't break our banks.

    That's how I've seen it.

    I'll be back tomorrow and then too I'll seek out the site on the Web about this housing idea someone told us about this morning.

    Sleep well, out there where it's only 5 p.m.

    Marta
  2. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Dear Honora ~

    I simply cannot believe that we - you, another CF friend, and I, have envisioned the almost same exact place in which to put our aging bods! I do like the idea of the young being invited to do work... but does this mean that you'd want to have non-CFSers there too other than in working roles? We may have our first conflict. Not that the healthy don't have their strong points (pun intended) but that we can feel so very ILL among them.

    The info I got on the housing site is.... how can I do this and fall within the rules??..... OK, it's PWCCOHOUSING and that's with an org at the end. :>) I have't checked it out yet. Because of the storms that are rocking MI today I've just gotten online.

    Back later.

    Hugs from me

    PS. About the time difference: I had momentarily transported you to California to visit Gigi last evening. How was the food?
    M.
  3. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Hello, Honora ~ I know exactly what you mean about living immersed in CFS/FM/ME and, like you, have to not stick to closely to this board, as great as most people here are, for the very same reasons you stated.

    I guess I love the planning of a shared community but I don't know that I'd like living there.

    Sadly this afternoon I had to take my poor old cat, Oliver, to have him euthanized. I'm happy for him because he was too sick to make well but I'm feeling very very badly for me right now.

    More soon.

    M.

  4. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Hi ~ I'd like to hear more about your experiences living in group housing (for want of a better word this morning), in fact, I think it bears more discussion, and about you. Tell you what; let's begin a thread just for that topic.

    Marta
  5. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Thank you for your compassionate words. Yes, indeed, it's a tough time. If you'll allow me to blather a bit I promise to shut it off afterward.

    You see, Oliver and his former, gone-before-him housemate, Elliot, joined me when they were four months old, sixteen years ago. They knew me "when"; before I was sick, before I lost my dad, before Mr. OK decided I wasn't any fun anymore, before I had to leave my job and tend to my health. Elliot comforted me with soft purrs and head rubs when Mr. OK left. They both greeted me with joy every morning and when I walked in the door after dashing out to do an errand. We curled up on the sofa to read together many a winter.

    So I guess in a way this is fitting. Not only were they old and sick - I had to euthanize Elliot in November after finding out he had bone cancer and I suspect something similar for Oliver - but perhaps, I tell myself, it's time for me to move forward.

    Driving home from the vet yesterday, tears streaming down my face, I thought, Who will I take care of now?!? For over forty years I've taken care of pets, husbands, children, bosses, friends....as a child, my mother, if we want to count those days and we should.

    And then it came to me: maybe it's time to take care of me!

    That didn't make getting up to an empty house any easier this morning, nor will it probably be easier for some time. And it doesn't mean I won't have another pet eventually. Or not. But for right now I'm going to see what Marta needs and see if I can give it to her in a simple, kind, unintrusive way, beginning today.

    And thank you for your suggestion of ceremonial weeping, I'll do it. I've sure been doing enough of the other kind.

    Joy to the day,
    Marta
  6. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Thank you. You're so very kind, so very wise and so very understanding of this God-awful time I'm having right now. Who knew? is right. For some idiot reason I thought this one would be easier but, yes, this one brings with it a finality and a consolidation that losing my precious Ellie didn't bring; after all, then I did still have Oliver who grieved along with me.

    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh. Chit!

    M.
  7. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    This is odd. As much emotional pain as I feel, I also feel guilt! It makes no sense. I've cared for this cat as if he was my own elderly relative, maybe better. Specially purchased food all his allergic life, specially cooked ground turkey with rice and all sort of vitamins for the past six months, getting up at 4 in the morning to feed him because he couldn't go longer without food or he'd vomit.... plus all the things that go into cat ownership. There is no need to feel one. bit. guilty.

    Then I realized that every time I'm emotionally wounded, I feel guilty. AWK! What a connundrum is that?!? Long ago issues I must assume.

    Would you say something wise, please, O Wise One?

    M.
  8. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    With mistakes comes wisdom if we have any sense at all and you do.

    Thanks again.

    M.
  9. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Good day, friend. I'm so sorry to hear things aren't going well for you right now. What's happening? Tell.

    I'm ..... OK. I will survive, as the song says. Things are a lot easier on one hand and yet still daunting on the other. Alone can really be alone and I don't much like it yet, maybe never. I've desperately thought about advertising for a mate but then remember that I've already done the mate thing twice and, while it works for some, I didn't choose well. I'm not sure that I'd be any better at it now than I was 25 years ago.

    An older cat or adult dog might make sense eventually; it will depend on how my health goes. There is a (very) slight advantage to not having litter boxes, cat hair and the like. Very slight. You have a dog, right? How do you manage to walk and play and groom and all the things it takes?

    Please tell me how you are and I'll do my best to offer words of comfort at the very least.

    My best to you,
    Marta

  10. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Dear Honora, I'm sending thoughts of healing, peace and rest to you. I see you strong, content and healty.

    As for why men, well, I love men. Men are so much less complex than women for one thing. If he says it, generally he means it. You can take him at his word even if you don't like the word. Dr. Laura once said, talking about how uncomplicated men are: "If they don't want sex, make them a sandwich." I've yet to meet any man who doesn't, after trying to make themselves appear more complicated, have to agree and I appreciate the simplicity of it all. I can do those things, or could, no problem.

    I'm probably getting us in awful trouble here but I hope it gave you a laugh. I will, for sure, pass the word on to the cowboy. I feel the same way about him.

    Poodles or a combo thereof, right? I'll keep that in mind.

    love,
    Marta



  11. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    I do know that we are often challenged to find real life friends, or at least I am, but you must have someone you can call for help. I do know the frustration and sometimes the sheer terror of doing this alone and you must not. Two bananas and some peanut butter will not suffice, dear heart. The first is three days away.

    Call someone. Call a church, no matter that you don't go there. Call someone. You need food and a cooler place to rest.

    OH HOW I WISH I COULD HELP! THAT is the biggest drawback to this form of communication. I want to at least be able to check on you in a way that demands nothing from you.

    Sending hugs for what they're worth right now....

    And love,
    Marta
  12. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Excellent! So good to hear that you're climbing out of The Pit.

    I have literally been there, of course, so I do know how impossible it is to think straight at those times. I'm wondering if you recently switched meds or quit one - or need a new one? It sounded so much like me when I quit Celexa.

    Regardless, at those times I need someone who cares, to point me in a sensible direction. That's is hard to find because, first, I have so few real life friends left and, like you, I'm a tough guy and don't like to complain. The only exception was with the loss of my sweet cat which just overflowed.

    Glad I could be of help and so very glad help is on the way. This teaches me a lesson too. It just might be OK to be human. ;>) 'Spose?

    Love,
    Marta

    A quote I love and remind myself of frequently from Will Rodgers goes something like this:

    "I've lived through a lot of trouble in my life and some of it actually happened." m[This Message was Edited on 06/29/2006]
  13. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    You sound so much better - although I'm sure it's probably just a better-than-I-was-when-I-was-dying better. Still.

    On another post where someone had a lovely long article about solitude, I blew my cool. I get so very tired of anxiously reading posts about someone who is so lonely and uncertain and helpless - who then adds, "but when my dear husband comes home....". AWK! What about those of us, through old choices or whatever, who have no DH's walking in the door at the end of the day, or even the end of the week?? Who have the buck stopping at us for everything at all times no matter how much pain or fatigue we might be having? They cannot imagine.

    As I say, it was a bad day and I didn't monitor myself as I usually try to do so posted just about what I said up there.

    A very kind, tactful person who's name I now can't recall pointed out to me that I really couldn't judge someone else's loneliness. I couldn't compare it to mine because I wasn't her (funny, rarely do we see him's saying this). And, of course, the tactful person was right. It reminded me that, instead of being the wuss I think I am most of the time, maybe instead I'm a very strong woman who does just run out of rope occasionally. I've handled a lot more than my "share", whatever that is, in my lifetime and I'm still here, still watching the woods out my window with pleasure and delighting is virtual tours of other people's homes, for God's sake!

    I think you're like that too. A strong woman who just needs to be reminded now and then that it's OK to not be so strong all the time - even that we're not invincible. Yippee for us!

    Best to you this day, my ice cream friend,
    Marta
  14. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    I'd like nothing more than to sit here and ponder this with you but I must attend a meeting for our condo finance committee. Yes, ha. Because I have a background in property management and common sense, they drafted me. I, thinking how nice it would be to talk at times with real life people, accepted. The meetings start early and end early so it's not too bad, and when I can't make it, I don't.

    A quick answer to your question about why I would want a man coming home at the end of the day is that I think it's perhaps because I have a very short, very selective memory. I choose to remember the good times and the good things. The bad thing is that I do. I'm pretty sure that if I had some nearby girl friends (can we still say that after 50?) I'd be quite fine.

    I'm so sorry the ickiness continues. Do cool cloths, cool drinks and rest. Do you read? If so, why kinds of things do you like? Or, poor you, you probably can't focus well right now, can you? Ah, what to do, what to do??

    Oh, and that quote this morning was incorrectly credited. It was Mark Twain who said it.

    Back tomorrow. Sleep well.

    Marta
  15. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Or should I say good evening?

    Mindfulness. I must be a closet Buddhist because I've said for years that this illness has enhanced my spiritual life, my peace and my appreciation for all things worthwhile. How can one not be mindful........wait, don't answer that; some just aren't. That's sad.

    I hope you were able to prop yourself in a corner in order in able to teach or, better yet, felt up to the work. I wish I'd been in your group. What was the jist of tonight's lesson, if I may ask?

    I am 68 and, yes, I'm one of those people who don't look or, unfortunately, act their age - mostly because I'm slender and vain - but there you have it.

    best thoughts,
    Marta
  16. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Do you ever wonder if we're the Book of the Month....?

    Hello again,

    Christian Island has a wonderful ring to it, especially knowing it's in northern Ontario. I've only been there once but enjoyed it thouroughly. I must admit I think of you there pretty much like us here. I hope, at this dubious point in our history, that that isn't a slur. Oh that would be lovely and if the opportunity had arisen, say this time next summer, who knows? I might try it. I'm feeling that much better. I'm am beyond thrilled and keep pinching myself every other moment.

    First of all, one of us has to get in a position to be able to find the other's email address. I feel sometimes as if I'm writing in a fish bowl. Not that I have things to hide, unfortunately; it's just a matter of principle.

    No, I haven't read many, if any, Buddhist things. All I know of Buddhism is Richard Gere and then not very well. (That is a bad joke.) From what I do know there's nothing not to like and I have a very special spot in my heart for God. God IS God and knowing that has gotten me through a lot of tough times.

    I'm thinking of your dark, rank room and can't feel that it's doing you any good either, let alone a student. Unless.... how about a nice fan and some flowers? I'd bring them to you if I could.

    Teach on, O wise and lovely woman!

    Marta
    [This Message was Edited on 06/30/2006]
  17. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Our letters, my friend, are the epitome of an only slightly boring soap opera. I certainly would read them if I could. Oh, wait! I do!

    So you're Irish. That gives me a great visual: slender, probably medium height, very fine, fair skin, red or reddish brown hair, green eyes, looking about 40 - with wonderful smile. This is quite a lark really, isn't it? We could both be about 5' tall, weigh 400 pounds and look like Darth Vader without the mask. Who'd know?

    Yet, while I don't know about others, there's something about writing to someone I never see that brings out abject honesty in me. (That, as we've learned, is the good and bad news thinking of the Solitude post.)

    NPR has some of my best "friends" on it. One of the programs, I think it was the Diane Rheam show, had Susan Richards Shreve on the other day talking about her new book, "A Student of Living Things" - which I must remember to order from the library. They were dicussing how comunication has changed, not for the better, either, they said.

    They talked about how people used to hand-write letters and go to each other's homes to visit, while now we have email and many people have an-almost-surgically-attached cell phone which they use constantly lieu of connecting with the world around them. They also discussed that honesty is easier via email and not always wise. Of course they were talking about acting impulsively. Maybe sending your boss an email telling him what an ass you think he is, that sort of thing. Not wise, indeed. But I still find it a marvelous mode of communication for someone with limited energy.

    Speaking of that though, aside from physically overdoing, I get the most fatigued when I spend time online. Do you find that? I suppose it has something to do with overuse of my feeble and/or cowering brain cells. "OH NO, here she comes again. Hide!"

    As for stars, the Hollywood kind, I know little about them* but when I first got sick I would often watch TV programs about the stars just because they required little thinking. Now I see someone on TV and have no idea who they are. A sure sign of age. (I do agree about Ben Kingsley.)

    My reading habits often follow the same requirement although I still cannot bear romance novels or anything faintly resembling them. Right now I'm reading "man and boy" by Tony Parsons that's bringing out an interesting combination of frustration (at all the men like him) and delight in his wonderful observations of his young son. I also loved "Marley & Me" for entirely different reasons and recommend Letters To Sam for pleasure and gift giving. See? I need a blog.

    Anyway, not War and Peace but genuine and entertaining.

    *My youngest son is the general manager of a comedy club in California and tells marvelous stories of the big comics - who's really funny off stage (very few) who's a diva and who's not (Ellen, surprisingly, is a diva). Also whatshisname, the tall, nice-looking dark haired, big-dark-eyed guy who was the father on Family Ties has one of The Most Profane-lauguage acts on stage and also speaks the same way in person. How he was able to tone it down for a family series is amazing. It's fun to hear the inside scoop. I hope I don't get my son sued...... See, I just know we're widely read. ;>)

    Speaking of boring, today being Saturday I think - I'm never quite sure what day it is - I should do some fussing around this place. The Dreaded Vacuum should come out of the closet and be shoved this way and that. Thank goodness I'm in a small place now. I'm always very proud of myself when I've finished vacuuming and immediately decide that I've done such a good job that it should last for weeks.

    I'm tired today after doing way too much way too soon so that may or may not get done.

    Do you have any plans for the weekend? I must chuckle when people ask me that.... Plans?? What are plans? Yes, I plan to get out of bed and try to make it through most of the morning without getting back in. Or did. Right now my new eating plan and supplements are helping in ways I don't understand and will not question. In addition to the eating plan itself, I take a magnesium/malic acid combo that's amazing and was recommended by a wonderful woman on this board. Extra D has almost done away with other than a bit of arthritis pain. It's being found to be helpful in MS. I think you mentioned those initials. Is it for sure, or as sure as anything is?

    Wouldn't it be wry if we found out that one of our primary problems is lack of vitamins in this world of processed and contrived foods? This morning with my breakfast I had "fresh" cardboard strawberries. In spite of my care, some of them were rotting BUT are still red and hard. Scary...

    Back to plans: Of course, over here it's a holiday weekend and plans or not, we'll be kept awake by supposedly grown men firing very loud things into the sky for days. It used to be just the night of July 4th but now they begin days before and go for days and nights after. Oliver was always terrified of this time so I can be glad (?) he doesn't have to hide under the bed for three days this year.

    Don't fly too close to the sun? What fun is that?

    With deep breaths and fresh breezes,
    Marta

    And I will learn to type one of these days....[This Message was Edited on 07/01/2006]
  18. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Hello, again. I lied about the dark but it was, for the longest time. It allowed me to go back to bed for awhile.

    The truth of me is that I'm 5'5" tall, you had the hair right the first time; it's dark blond with blond highlights and grey in amongst it all. I wear it in a short bob right now; longer in the winter. At this moment the bangs are too short so I keep yanking on them as if anyone cares.

    I'm slender but busty which is a pain in the patoot when buying clothes no matter how much or how little I spend on them. I favor jeans and sweaters or shorts with t-shirt at home (or the other exciting places I go, like the grocery store) depending on the season. I do have small hands but average-sized feet. I have hazel eyes which used to be good before this illness made them look so very weary. I think my best feature now is my mouth, or so I've been told. But I'm not a kid anymore so whatever still works gets good grades.

    As for a blog, I would if I knew how. I'll ask around. Yes, we could just take this show on the road! I'm not feeling clever right now either so the name would have to wait. And I'm not sure I have enough to write daily, or at least with any measure of interest to anyone. My life is very simple as to border on boring for the energetic. Together we could take turns or just do this.

    How both exciting and frustrating to be expecting a guest. I'm sure if you're yourself it will go beautifully and, as you said and I agree, it's too darned much work to be anyone else. I used to try though. I used to try to be whatever people wanted me to be. What a waste! No more. Another blessing of this illness. What you see (or read) is what you get.

    I remembered: Bob Saggett (sp) is the foul-mouthed comedian. The nicest guest, he thought, is a woman whose name I cannot think of. I can see her and hear her..... She's blondish, middle aged, speaks in a slow monotone, very witty, had her own TV show about a single mother with kids, macho boyfriend.... First name is Brett.....? I hate not being able to think of it especially when having heard such nice things about her. He said she was gracious, kind and really funny. And I must confess, my favorite word when I'm startled or hurt myself begins with F said very loudly so I don't judge I still don't like filth-used-as-humor.

    Speaking of whiplash, I'd take the twentysomething guy up on coffee if I were you, as soon as you feel up to it. A friend is a friend is a friend.

    Enjoy your visit.

    Marta, not my real name either, of course.... Yours must be something lovely and Irish.... hmmmmm. Brett?
  19. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    But it is Butler, you have that right! I think I must be thinking Gone With The Wind for the Rhett... I'll ask my kid in my next email to him.

    Diane Keaton. Yes, she's marvelous, zany and shrewd. Although, I recently rented The Family Stone and was so disappointed in the whole lot of them. And so many good actors in it, too.

    In early years I was compared to Dinah Shore. I used to wear my hair very blond and although I thought I lacked her perkiness, I heard it many times. I don't sing that well, my teeth are straight and Burt Reynolds is not even close to looking like either of my ex-husbands but there was something... I know! I drove a Chevy! A '52 Chevy convertable in lime green.

    I did not know Terry Gar had MS! Every time you turn around someone is getting older and/or unwell.

    Sorry to alarm the dog earlier. Oh, I need a name - of the dog.... A he or a she? Black, curly, small? I'm considering a dog but won't decide until fall.

    As for our Blob, Blog! I think this thread would be a good beginning with a preface. I don't get better than this so if this doesn't do it, I'll bomb. You, on the other hand, will cover for me ever so nicely. You can talk about Buddhism and dogs, at least.

    If Postcards From the Edge wasn't already used, I think that would be a good name... Postcards from the Bed? No, too suggestive of something we're not promoting in a blog.

    By the way, I looked at your game and haven't a clue. I am very untraveled because I always worked and/or raised children, so thought it was something I'd do in my, er, uh, mature years. That plan hasn't quite worked out yet.

    I am very tired today, can you tell by how disjointed this post is? I had two weeks of amazing energy and joy and now this. I hope it's just a matter of overdoing which I certainly have done. That said, I'll wish you a good night.

    Good heavens, bottle rockets! Happy July 4th to us four days early. If they were truly celebrating freedom I'd applaud but it's no doubt just some overgrown men/children playing with fire and drinking beer. Bah humbug.

    M.







    [This Message was Edited on 07/01/2006]
  20. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Goodness me. I must say I'm not as surprised as you were because, I guess, I'm less trusting. I'm pretty trusting but still.... I've found that there are altogether too many people in the world who will do anything for attention. And I've had a bit of experience with correspondence showing only the best side of people (another story). After all, they can say exactly what they think will please us to get our attention.

    What shocks me is that she came to see you at all after all the lies!

    In spite of all of that, dear Honora, you must be tremendously at peace with yourself and your sacrifices for this woman. I truly believe it's our intent that sometimes counts, not always the outcome. I don't mean that in the "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" kind of way. I mean that you were more than worthy, you did your beliefs very proud. That you chose to believe in truth and love says something very fine about you.

    I'm furious with this woman for taking advantage of that in you. If I'd been there I would have been very tempted to show her the door, the other side of it, that is. That's how nice I would be.

    What is the lesson in this? Certainly that everyone is not always as they present themselves to be.... Wait. I don't think most people are as they present themselves to be, not right away. I think we present "a good face" at first, most of us. It's drilled into us from the time we were small: Be nice.

    The lesson, then, is that you learned something wonderful about yourself, your kindness, your charity, your selflessness, and there's only good in that. You also may have learned that being slightly more guarded with your resources is not a bad thing. I'm glad you kept the Gau.

    Regardless, I'm not bleaching my hair again or getting a facelift.

    MMMM WWA!
    Marta