To Jen

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Applyn59, Jul 2, 2003.

  1. Applyn59

    Applyn59 New Member

    Hi there,

    Just thought I would page you! LOL
    I can't remember if I wrote on here this a.m.
    I don't think I did. I fell asleep extra early
    last night (5 a.m.)! I woke up at 9 and I was
    very exhausted but I couldn't sleep. So I got
    up. Have been miserable ever since. I did
    some stuff online for a short while and then
    went into the hot tub. When I went over there
    I was exhausted and had a huge headache.
    I stayed for about 2 hours. Was in the sun
    for about 20 minutes and then cranked the
    umbrella up. I thought I was going to fall asleep
    in the tub.

    It is now 8:50 and my eyes are burning and I still
    have my headache. I always get a headache
    when I have no sleep. Anyway, I am hoping beyond
    hope that I get to sleep early tonight. Wondering
    what the chances are! LOL I hate keeping my eyes
    open! I just put my eye drops in.

    How did your day go? Did you manage to hobble to your door? Did you enjoy your yummy,
    cardboard dinner? I do believe that Immodium
    is still effecting me and my output! LOL I hope
    you had a doo-doo less day! How's the foot?

    If I were smart I would turn my computer off.
    I think I will do that soon. I am having a hard
    time with my eyes- not to mention my brain!

    Hope you're feeling better.
  2. Jen F

    Jen F New Member

    Did you see my post to you re Meals on Wheels? I think it might be really back there.

    I'm sorry you didn't sleep much and feel miserable. But, hey, misery loves company! That being said, I should be REALLY good company...

    Yes, i hobbled to my front door in my bed clothes when I had my MOW delivery this morning around 11:30. Thankfully, there were no "landmines" en route. LOL!

    I had asked for no potatoes with my meal [sorry my dear potato fan :)] but there they were anyways. And a piece of chicken and my least personal favourite, cut green beans. But, I forced myself to eat it. Then later, asked my homemaker, who was here this afternoon to prepare some other dishes for the next 2 days.

    Hey, are you any where near Jersey City? No that's probably not right. Jewitt maybe? I have an acquaintance there - my one and only that I know of in CT. If neither of those spellings look familiar I'll check the address of my friend.

    Did you stay IN the hot tub for 2 hours???

    Are you trying to get back to the womb??

    If you succeed, let me know. I've had enough out here. And that's no joke. I started thinking of ending it all today, but it doesn't seem to be an option for me, just not something I can do, partly because of my spiritual beliefs. But, lady, did I ever hit a low today. Either a physical or mental breakdown or both, I'm not sure.

    My pain is bad again, I'm fed up with my family, am upset about my chiro appointment today, don't think I'll go back to him - full of nonanswers, including about my foot and I got the impression he feels my case is rather complicated and he's not up to the task. In and of itself would not be the end of the world, but isn't that attitude just a little too familiar to us? At what point DO we find the help/doctor we need? too many docs just don't/can't take us on. Right now I'm so tired of fighting for my rights and trying to find ways to function better.

    AFter my appointment, I returned home to some unpleasant surprises left by my unthinking homemaker and her visiting relative who was assisting/coming along for company. And this homemaker is the cream of the crop I have already tried! AND I like her as a person! BUT, i don't have money to waste or throw around anymore and I am fed up with some of my stuff being ruined by her or some jobs done with lack of care/awareness. She has a good heart, so I feel guilty being fed up with her, but, she doesn't have a lot of concept of value, esp with other people's money/possessions. She can't manage her own money well, she has several thousand dollars of credit card debt so she can have the things she wants and anything her son wants he gets, it seems. fortunately, so far, he seems to be a most wonderful little boy. But, how is he evervgoing to learn to manage money when he isn't even aware they are poor??? And just because I pay for this service doesn't mean I'm well off and can afford to have dishes broken and clothes ruined and furniture damage with no compensation and barely an apology if any.

    Anyhow, I'm just too stressed today to cope, esp since I feel like I have so few friends and my closest friend and I are currently at odds. Well, were at odds? I broke down and phoned him tonight in desperation. At first he was the unhelpful and nasty so and so he's been lately [imo] but he later phoned back and then gave me some support emotionally, psychologically and will bring me a chair that might be better for my back soon and might give me a massage, so I am grateful.

    I will have to try getting a professinal massage soon and see if that helps my stress level and my pain, but it's so expensive.

    I will also have to be firm/clear about some things with my homemaker when she next comes. I have been afraid because I don't want to be someone difficult to work for and don't know how I would cope if I lost her services. But, I'm repressing too much and that's no good either.

    I may have to go back on Celexa. Crap. I was so happy to come off it recently and it took time. I am now on SJW, but it may not be enough and the dose I may need may cost about $5/day for this stuff i am taking, whereas the Celexa is free for me. But the Celexa gives me SUCH dry mouth combined with my other meds it's a real problem, in fact, I must wake up during night to drink water.

    The chiro thinks I should get an MRI for my neck, but have had no word about referrals I requested from my GP yet and an MRI would probably have to be ordered by specialist -- and there's about an 8 month wait unless I can get a cancellation. I guess it's time to get on the phone [well, tomorrow] and maybe go back to my gp who I think has seen enough of me for a while. make that for a month at least...

    As I think I already indicated, I am fed up with [money hungry?/uneducated about CFS] doctors and my family, the latter being an issue that is really coming to a head. It upsets me very much. Their support, even if it was just emotionally would make such a huge difference in my life. I love them, but cannot continue to be hurt and let down by them.

    Look at today for instance. I have a meltdown, feel like I just can't go on, and calling my mother is not really an option. To me, that just isn't right.

    I'm better now than I was 2 hours ago, but, Lynn, I am scared. I seem to have come to the end of my rope. Maybe the pain and discomfort is affecting me more than I realize, or maybe my strong and independent personality really makes my needy situation difficult for my personality to handle. I took pre-med at University and was going to be a doctor of sorts, so I know docs are only people not gods and I treat them with respect I would treat a person, not a god and some probably sense that and dont' like it. I am somewhat educated and [used to?] understand anatomy and other stuff, so I ask questions that other patients might not. I can no longer tolerate being looked down upon by docs and getting the feeling they see me as a bit of a headcase. It's humiliating for me and not helpful. And if you push docs for answers or help you are argumentative or a difficult patient.

    I am on a 5 month waiting list for a psychiatrist that is supposedly FM friendly, so hopefully CFS friendly too, but somehow must find a therapist prior to help me with these issues. But, I don't want to see one that does not accept CFS as a physical illness as CFS is a huge factor in my current obvious depression.

    Well, hopefully a sleep and rest and a new day will bring both of us less pain and a greater ability to cope.

    Perhaps in future we should post occasionally on chit chat board about our day. I will check there at least once per week if that sounds okay to you.

    I had my winter socks on for a while today, but currently my foot is a little on the overwarm side.

    Are you "going" less today from the immodium?

    Sorry if I have overwhelmed you with the info from my day! I have overwhelmed myself. I didn't expect to sink so low. At least I am functioning somewhat now, after taking some meds mind you and I hope to return to my happier, more joking side soon.

    Let me know how you sleep tonight. I'm rooting for ya.


    [This Message was Edited on 07/02/2003]
  3. Applyn59

    Applyn59 New Member

    >Did you see my post to you re Meals on Wheels? I >think it might be really back there.

    Yes, I did. I thought I responded but I am guessing that I didn't.

    Jewitt is sort of familiar but I have no idea where
    it is if it is the right name! LOL Think it must be
    far from me.

    Yes, I was in the tub for two hours. It isn't super
    hot and I like it! I always tell my mother that I
    wish I never came out of the womb.

    Sorry you are feeling so badly - physically and emotionally. I have been there many times and am
    there now. I think I will be that way from now on because of my dear mother's cancer. I have often
    wanted to end it all as does my mother at times.
    Neither one of us will do it to the other but we would
    do it together! But, that would leave my brother all
    upset! I don't know. My mother and I could be extremely depressed but when we talk to others they
    think we are hunky dory. There was an older guy who lived across the street from us who was also unhappy.
    We would be talking and mention something about
    ending it and darn if he wouldn't give you all the info
    you needed to accomplish the task! LOL It was almost
    funny. Don't know why. I always worry that I will
    be very tempted when something happens to my mother. We have been best friends since I was a little girl and now that I have been living home so long and also physically and emotionally and sometimes
    financially dependent, it will be all the more difficult.
    I can't even talk about it. I cried every night for weeks when we thought she has ovarian cancer. What a wreck I was. Her onc. told us that he thought my mother was doing well but that I was the basket case.
    You said:
    Right now I'm so tired of fighting for my rights and trying to find ways to function better.

    I know, Jen. It's so awful. SO many drs. to keep going to. My chiropractor has always been someone I could count on. He was wonderful during my whole back
    thing, visited me in the hospital after my surgery, etc.
    He made me go to him after I got out of the hospital
    so he could minimize scar tissue. I don't see him
    that often now but go to him when I have certain
    problems that I know he can help with.

    I feel that my FMS dr. is just a way for me to get
    meds. I have gone to him for nine years now and
    he doesn't even know what my personal life is.
    He always thinks I am doing well when I am not.
    I am the one coming up with the new ideas. I am
    just tired of being the researcher and the brains
    of the outfit! They say that Lyme specialists are
    extremely thorough so I am hoping for some help
    coming my way from him. I have heard he is very
    kind and caring and extremely smart. He even discounts medicare patients 30 percent. They
    do not accept insurance.

    I really like my endocrinologist and my ENT. I am hoping to get my endo more involved in my FMS
    healthcare. He is very nice and very smart.

    My PCP is a very cold fish who treats me like a piece
    of furniture. I can't wait to get in with the new PCP
    who sounds wonderful. Waiting list is long but hopefully it will be worth it.

    My goodness. That's awful about your home
    health worker. Can you complain to her agency?
    That must make you very unnerved.

    Hope you and your friend had a nice time and that
    the massage was helpful. I am very fortunate that
    I have a very loving and supportive mother and brother.
    They will both do anything possible to help me.

    I don't think you would be considered difficult to work for
    if you have reasons to be upset and you sure do. Have
    you ever thought of calling a high school guidance center or something to see if they could suggest a really good student to help you out? I suppose this is the wrong time of year for that, though.

    I was so hoping that Celexa would help me but I couldn't continue taking it. It made me very anxious
    and I was taking 1/4 of the tablet! I may try

    I am sorry your family has let you down and I don't
    blame you for having a meltdown. Meltdown is my first name! I never realized that much that all mothers and
    daughters weren't super close until I went away to college and kids hated their parents!

    I have been at the end of my rope for years and I too, am scared. I have never thought of drs like gods because I don't think they are all that terrific! LOL
    I don't act that way but I am not intimidated by them.
    I ask lots of questions and am sometimes asked if I am
    in the medical field. I did major in med. technology for a year prior to changing my major to Writing/Journalism but that is not the reason I am this way.

    Drs. can be so harsh at times. I have met my share
    of drs who have reduced me to tears. More than I care
    to remember.

    I sometimes wonder whether I should go to a psychologist or pschy. I prefer the former but the
    latter would be helpful in finding the right meds.
    I think going would not make me feel any better because I am so miserable because of everything
    in my life and nothing is going to change. Perhaps
    coping methods would help. I also am afraid to dig
    deep down because I think that would instigate a nervous breakdown. I also think it is difficult to find
    someone who is good and cares.

    I hope you are coping better today.
    Yeah, we could go to chitchat board.
    I was afraid my post would be moved there!

    I fell asleep at 330 for a change and got up at 11 a.m.
    I took some ambien and I think that with my other
    drugs and the fact that I had four hours sleep the
    night before helped. Also, the hot tub helps me
    with sleep.

    Take Care,
  4. Jen F

    Jen F New Member

    I'll put a short reply on chit chat board

    not short cause have nothing to say, short cause gotta go