Tonight I realized just how worthtless I really am....

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by doxygirl, Jun 4, 2007.

  1. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    Iam a failure and a loser!

    I know I have done a lot of good things, and I am a good person....but when it comes to taking care of things I have failed miserably!

    I would like to know if anyone else here just feels like they are DOOMED to fail?

    I always try to stay positive and focused on TRYING....but ..........

    NO matter how hard I try things always turn sour...and Iam worn of it.....

    The mess we are in is MY fault........I was working .....
    full time and we didn't pay one bill late....and our credit was looking good...... Iam unable to work now and our bills are once again piling up!

    If I didn't have so many health issues and fog in my brain I could go get a "GOOD" paying job....

    Everyday I say I want to find a job, start my own business, but the truth is Iam too sick to do anything but work from health is worse than ever right now...........and Iam getting hateful and bitter that it is hindering me from being productive...........

    My mortgage is now once again behind.....and I can't think straight......I haven't told my husband because he is already so stressed out and it will make it so much harder on me if he gets more stressed out so I just don't say anything......

    Iam sick of struggling with my health and our finances..I want to fix it ( as us women are so good at doing )............but I don't know how to fix it...........with so many problems standing in my way....

    I went to a investment site tonight on my sons computer and when I started looking into setting up an account I realized how much I have failed.....I am in my fifties now and my husband and I still do not have a proper retirement portfolio set up.......and honestly it is just about too late to bother with........

    The truth is we are so husband does have a pension, but his union is making it pretty much so he will never see a penny of the money he is paying into it.......

    I dreamed that at this point in my life we would have a nice savings, retirement fund, and a home close to being paid for with top A credit............

    But.......Iam a failure..........if it werent for me being sick all the time I would be working full time and we wouldn't be in this financial predicament..........I want to start my own business or work from home so badly......but how can I when simple things confuse me, and you pretty much have to have money to make money!

    ..........I feel like I have nothing to look forward to real purpose.........I even thought about volunteer work just to make me feel more self worth.....

    but when we are behind in our mortgage it makes no sense to volunteer when we desperately need me to work for an income......

    I feel so...... desperate for things to turn around.....

    I have gone to ebay, and the cfids newsletter work tip mind gets so fuzzy and confused....most of the "work from home" jobs you need special education...or courses...and I need to get working "NOW"

    What I need is an advocate, or a trained person that can help me to get things set up, and moving in the right direction there a company, a school, or foundation that you may be aware of please post here to me .......

    I need to move forward to feel good again...........and to get things back under control financially! I don't want to be a "LOSER"....I don't want people to look at me as a failure....I feel ashamed that I have put my family into this mess....Iam supposed to take care of these things in life and I have failed!

    thanks for listening and for caring....


    [This Message was Edited on 06/05/2007]
    [This Message was Edited on 06/05/2007]
  2. mollystwin

    mollystwin New Member

    YOU ARE NORT A LOSER!!!! You are a sick person. There is a big difference!!! It's not your fault that this is happening to you!

    You are still relativly young. You have time to think about retirement and savings. Have you tried filing for disability? It doesnt have to be permanent. You could go off if you felt better.

    I have felt the same way as you. Although we are not in debt, we have spent much of our savings on my illness, and I no longer work much, so my hubby will have to work longer instead of retiring when we planned. But we are not failures! Please dont' think so!!!


    [This Message was Edited on 06/05/2007]
  3. obrnlc

    obrnlc New Member

    PLEASE don't feel that way, (although i understand and have often said the exact same thing myself!)

    what my husband (who also has no clue how bad off we are financially--they just don't get it!) hears me talk like you, he reminds me, as i and all of your other friends on here will remind you--YOU HAVE AN ILLNESS AND IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!

    we were the superwomen, and the overachievers when we were healthy, no one asked for this or prefers to sit home and suffer over our great jobs we had before. (i get this from others bios, not only myself)

    we had the world by the "clouds" then this happened to us, we did not encourage it, cause it, want it--it just happened!

    but things will change, there is an awareness about this DD now that will work in our favor, just HANG ON till it happens.

    i truly know where you are--i was doing the 0% credit card shuffle for 2 years to keep bills paid, my husband was clueless (sure honey, your $1000 month pays 3 utilities, insurance and a few others--now can we eat, put gas in the car, etc. to live on?) until i finally, sounding exactly like you do now, confessed that we were over $40,000 in debt! I was the major bread winner, had all bases covered--LTD at work, life insur., cancer insur, heart attack and stroke insur, all that the little aflac duck had to offer! I even had credit disability on my mortgage, BUT ALL OF THESE were denied because of this DD, no one wants to pay for what they can't see and prove.

    so yes, we had it covered, we did all that we could and tried so hard, this just happened to us.

    You are not a failure or at fault, please don't feel like that! here's a huge cyber hug--L
  4. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    You are not a failure. That is your depression talking.

    Now that I am old and retired I have been looking back, thinking about life and all the great questions: like, What's it all about Alfie!

    I have it all figured out. The most important thing in life is LUCK!

    Where would Bill Gates be if he had been born 1000 years ago? He'd be a shepard. How rich and famous would Liz Taylor be if instead of violet eyes she had crossed eyes?
    Where would our Com. in Chief be if he'd been born the son of a janitor?

    Have you had the energy to talk to one of those companies that helps get rid of debt? Is there a govt. program for such where you live?

    Talk to an atty that handles Workers' Compensation Cases. See if you have a case because your job caused OR aggravated your condition. He/she won't charge for the initial discussion. (Unless things have changed in the last couple years.)

    I did all the right things I was taught as a kid. I studied hard; worked hard; obeyed the law. I wound up one of those pathetic cases that can't afford his meds. It's just another reminder of what we all know: Life ain't fair.

    I hope you have some good luck for a change.


  5. Greenbean7

    Greenbean7 New Member

    You are not a loser and neither are any of the rest of us who have ended up in the same boat.

    I work in investments and it is not too late. I know how strapped you are and saying save some money on top of the fact that you can't pay the bills would really just be adding insult to injury. But if you could put $2 to $5 a paycheck into a jar until you have $50 or $100 and put that into an IRA you can start to build up a little savings and it would also help with your stress.

    Have you applied for food stamps? I had to years ago and it really hurt my pride but saved me from being evicted! Once the food problem is covered that money can be used for other bills. You paid for these programs when you were working and you deserve to use those services.

    Social Services may also be able to help with finding work you can do from home.

    Praying for you!


    Stop and smell the puppies!
  6. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i want to make sure you filed for sdi, that will last for 52 weeks....and i have dealt w/employer not having worker's comp insurance. it is incredible what this dentist did...they went down and backed dated my injury to the date it expired.

    i wasn't even an employee to the back dated injury claim by the employer. i was sort of lucky in that way...lawyers told me to take a lump sum..instead of the ongoing entitlement. because once the ins. co. found out they would stop all payments. then would have to go thru the state to go after the employer. big fine for them...but they got away w/it though.

    try churches call local health social services and see if there are any funds to help w/mortgage payment.

    i know how you feel about the low self esteem coming about from not being able to work. i went to making good money to nothing.

    i went from having a young child have pride in my work to thinking i didn't want to work.

    but now that cody has been dx w/fibro and ibs. he know understands and so does the exhb.

    did you file for ssdi? if not do it now! please don't wait to do that...

    check out and get an attorney...

  7. mollystwin

    mollystwin New Member

    Try salvation army as well. There was a local woman in our paper that went to salvation army to help her avoid losing her home. She coulnd't sell it due to economy and had lost her job due to illness. She talked about how ironic it was that they had rescued her, it was the charity she had always donated to!
  8. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    and 69mach1,

    I want to thank you all for posting here to me and trying to help me through this rough road Iam on!

    Rockgor, you are right it is the depression talking here and guess I don't even want to allow myself to admit Iam depressed on top of everything else......because Iam depended on to keep things together and if I have to admit to myself that Iam depressed than it means I have failed!

    I am NOT a depressed "type" of person so this is hard for me to accept.

    I cannot go to salvation army or any other places for help because my husband makes too much money as soon as I tell them how much my husband makes they will say they can't help ........

    I hope that you all understand this.....we are by no means wealthy...... we make too much to get help, and not enough to keep from sinking, it takes two incomes for us to pay our bills on time and stay afloat......

    My husband works 6 and 7 days a week whenever, OT is available but he now has health problems and Iam holding my breath that he will be able to continue to work his 40 hour work week!He is burnt out from working so much and is very tired himself.....I just can't put any more pressure on him for what I should be doing!

    .......I really don't want a hand out....I want to do the right thing and fix this the right way by finding something that is feasable for me to do...... earning my way back to financial stablization..... there has to be something that I can do..... a way to start my own business.....or a job I CAN do from home!

    Jodie, I cannot apply for social security, Iam out of work from an injury on the must put that on the paperwork for SS and it clearly states that if you are sick due to it being work related then you CANNOT get SS!

    I do have a lawyer.......and I have been tooting my horn....but he is doing everything in his power to expedite this case......

    it just so happens that I slowed it down since I was in bed for a few weeks off an on ( in a bad flare) and had to reschedule the appt( pulmonary exam ) that will make the UEF start the proper channels to get money coming in to me!

    I know that all of you have said things in this post helping me...and trying to cheer me up...and I want each and everyone of you who I mentioned in the title( and for those of you who have read but are too sick to post) to know how much your NONjudgemental support has made my heart smile!

    Thank you for allowing me to have a soft place to fall in my hour of life is filled with darkness and I know that I must keep trying and get myself out of the dark and back into the light...........

    You all mean the world to me and I thank you over and over and over again with all my heart!


    [This Message was Edited on 06/05/2007]
  9. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    I think we've already established that you're NOT a loser, just sick.

    Try going to to check out any benefits that you might be able to get to help out your situation. It's a portal for all gov sites, disability included.

    There's also you can check out too.


    Nancy B
  10. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    thank you so very much for your thoughtful means so much to me!

    Hangin, I was so happy to hear from you...."girl how have you been and where have you been?:) Also thank you for the homebased work site you shared with me.......

    Iam going to keep my eyes peeled for open positions....looks promising........and I so appreciate your help.......

    Iam not giving up on the thought of starting my own business though......what I need to find is someone who can help me get up on my feet from A-Z as far as cognitive skills goes....and I know if I keep asking and looking I just may find the help I need?

    Thank you both again....and all of you who have sent your warm hearted posts to heart says "thank you" too!

    Love and hugs
  11. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    that is not true about not ture about applying for sdi or need to apply now...sooner the better for you and your family.....

    ssdi will take what they consider is worker's comp..just let them do the figuring not you.... please apply.

    i thought the same as well but you will get what is coming to you. so get it started pronto. please.


  12. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    I will look into this I promise....but when I received the packet of SS application forms, it said on the directions....."IF THIS ILLNESS OR INJURY IS WORK RELATED WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED"! I may have a word or two wrong, but I read it over and over ....................

    Now I think if my pcp says I cannot work from the fibro....then maybe I could get it................but I really don't want to go that route since the TRUTH is that Iam not working because I got sick from breating mold! NOT because of the fibro!

    Since I had to hire a lawyer to help me.....I think I have to go through the UEF ( uninsured employers fund ) to get the money workers comp should be paying......there is NO rushing them ...............they have a schedule and a maze of a system you must agonizingly endure....and when they are satisified that you did get sick from or at work then they do pay..............but it is not easy !@

    One good thing is that once I get this straightend out and the UEF starts paying me it is retroactive from back in Jan!

    So as of now I have 5 months of pay coming and UEF pays about 2/3 of your normal it will definately the meantime we are sinking............

    thanks again for trying to help and when I get up I will check out with SS if I can indeed file!

    Love you
  13. suzetal

    suzetal New Member

    This is for real and cost you nothing but your time to fill in application.

    Good luck.

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  14. dononagin

    dononagin New Member

    you realize that you and I have both been on this board for nearly 4 years?

    I've seen you go through so much. It's no wonder we get down.

    I wish I had answers for you. I can't even find my own right now. But dang it girl, you are no loser. Any more than I am any of the others that have been here year after year, looking for answers, trying to help each other, trying to live with a noose around our necks from this danged "syndrome" amongst the other things we suffer from.

    Doxy.. just sending you cyber hugs girlfriend, and dang it keep your head up we can't let this get this best of us. We can't give in to it.

    Sending much love,
  15. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    Thank you so very much for your words of encouragement!

    No matter how much everyone tells me Iam not a loser .....I just can't get it out of my mind....I know Iam sick......but I have always been able to fix things and done a good job at that......

    I just wish for once I could have someone else fix things for Iam worn out of fixing.........I just can't do it anymore!

    Dona, my dear your right we are "originals" on this board aren't we? LOL.....and "yes" I have been through a well as you!

    I look so forward to the day that something happens that gives us a TRUE DX and or a test to confirm what we are being denied!

    Thank you Dona....and all of your for being here for me.....with yet another traumatic stroyline in my never ending road of rocks! LOL:)

    Love ya
  16. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    You are one of the true backbones on this board. I have celebrated good news and got sad at bad news with you.

    I have found you to be remarkable and very caring for all of us.

    Can anyone this good be useless? NAY. You are a special beautiful person.

    It does help to vent now and then and get it out. You are trying to carry the whole load alone. You need someone to lean on and help you in your walk.

    I know enough sbout you that you will prevail and raise again to a good place.

    Take care sweetie...Love, Hugs and Blessings.......Susan
  17. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    What a nice compliment!

    The things you have said here to me......are just makingme tear up!

    Iam sorry for being so low right now....honestly I feel a bit embarassed to have to admit Iam feeling so badly of myself......

    My goal is to "lift" others! so when I get down it just feels wrong to lay it on others but I do need support right now so Iam thankful for people like you that are here for me to remind me Iam not everything bad!

    Thank you so much for looking beyond my darkness right now and acknowledging the good in me!

    It means so much to me to hear you say the things you have!

    My heart and I say "thank you Sue"!

    Love ya
  18. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    don't feel embarrassed at all...i am down tonight myself. tired of being tired. hurting all the time as apt is not the usual spic and span as i am known for...i don't feel like doing much at exhausted just to go to an appt for more child support.

    cody is busy w/football till 6:30 pm at night then has homework etc...he's tired as well...he has fibro...

    well anyways.. got to do something around this house...still need to fill out financial aid forms for college due soon.....

    hoping you are feeling better yourself.


  19. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    Iam sorry that you are going through so much yourself!

    I have been following your posts and Iam telling you have been through A LOT!Iam so sorry that you too have your plate full!

    How did you find out Cody has fibro? Poor guy!:( "bless his heart"!

    Iam fairly certain that all three of my boys have fibro....they all show symptoms but when I bring it up they get very upset......I think they see how it has progressed and effected me and how over the years, also how much I have declined and they don't want to face the truth!

    "They don't want to end up like me"!

    Thanks for all the posts you have made to me are a faithful friend and I appreciate your never ending support and care!:)

    BTW did you see the post I made to you ( I think it is above on this post here?)

    Thank you again for posting and taking care of your down friend here..............

    I hope that you too are feeling more up soon Jodie:)

  20. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    cody was dx acouple of years ago...he kept complaining of neck, back numbness...fornately at that time he tested in all the upper extremity areas and the pedictrician asked if i had it...i said yep, been dx for sometime now.

    then the past year he was dx w/ibs....they took xrays of the neck and back areas.... whiplash affect in the neck...muscles etc...we know the drill on that.

    then they took xray of his abdomen this year...well, he was so constipated up by his dire pain...he was admitted last year his somphore year cause they thought he may have been having appendicitis....they gave me the option of doing then or keeping him over night at the hosiptal so they could watch his blood count and vitals...they did a cat scan and looked like there was some fluid near the appendix area...but it could have been something viral...

    so i chose the safer option, of not cutting right away for something that may have been viral...he was throwing up w/stomach pain...couldn't poo but wanted to...hurt in the area of the appendicts...

    well turns out he has ibs...they said you must have it too? i said yep...

    at first when cody was told he had a more milder form of fibro...cody said he would not ever let that stop him from working like me...

    i just told him well, that's great if you can, but i will understand and help you out as much as i can if you ever need help someday w/your health.

    then his wake up call was the ibs pain...he said to me last summer "mom do have this much pain like me?" i had my chance to unleash some pent up anger toward him from him not understanding my pain....and mind you he told my ex-inlaws "my mom just doesn't want to go to work because she has fibro"...twerp....i was lady like in front of them and said i am in a lot of pain and can't sleep etc. and the doctors told me i can not go to work. and i have had surgery for this and that...

    well he does get very tired, moody at times, pain numbness, but so far he does w/o pain meds or mood stabilizers....he does not handle stress very well...anxiety like myself. depression like myself...runs in both sides of cody's family.

    wow i am giving you a novel here.

    well i just let cody do what he can...and if he feels like he is too tired to go to school...i just call him in sick.
    we try to watch our fiber intake...especially drink lot;s of football has started for him..he needs to really increase intake of water etc.

    i saw your post on the ssdi//////did you file for state disability from california....? you can do that while you are waiting for the state unisured fund to finalize things for you...they will just take the money out of your check you will get from the uf....

    and ssdi will figure out some calculations which i am still waiting for them to get that straight w/me....they have been w/holding funds for an attorney i never used, won on the intial claim...and w/o money for cody on my disabled behalf...grand total about is crazy dealing w/govt stuff..

    but do a ss# specialist attorney they will let you know what you can and can not do for free over the phone....i am sure you qualify!