Alot of you know what I have been up against the past few weeks from previous posts. I havent been on much lately because I have an overflowing plate lately...I feel like Im drowning again and I cant breathe. Hubby doing great which is a blessing from the Lord. He got the ok to return back to work today and he is allowed to drive but with no kids in van. That in itself is also a blessing. We were ready to hear bad news about Seizures and the law yesterday but becuase his is controlled, he is allowed to drive and doesnt have to wait a yr. Mentally, physically and emotionally I am sapped and drained 100%. Im scared to death of hubby returning to work today and driving but I also say a prayer for the good Lord to keep him safe. As far as myself, my health has gone completely downhill. The pain is excruciating and when I look in the mirror I see nothing but a monster. My stomach was so bad last week I ended up in Gastrointestinal Doctors ooffice with him very upset with me because I let the reflux get so out of control that Ive done damage and now its being treated aggresively to get it under control. I scared myself last week when I could no longer swallow and no matter what I did my food kept coming back up. So much for the $200 I spent at the Natropath last week. I had to stop everything until I can get this reflux under control. The emds alone for one month (Protonix) for my stomach are $200/month. I almost died when I went to get RX! My job is slow and I have lost ALOT of money. Little by little I am getting fewer hrs and less money. I know its time to look for a new job but I am petrified! I have no self confidence and I am scared. Please say a prayer about my self esteem and some open doors for me. I get as far as circling jobs in the paper, sent a few resumes out but nothing. I have so much going on right now and life is seeming out of control. I know that the good Lord gives us only what we can handle. I know he will be faithful to me and will give me an open door eventually, but again, my lack of self confidence and the extreme self-loathing(spelled wrong??) I am feeling is just the enemies way of keeping things from happening. I looked at my hubby last night and was in tears by the way I am feeling about myself lately. Even the job I am at now the young girls I work with put me down and they know how to make you feel horrible. I know they have "issues" within themselves so I do pray for them...but it has done alot to my self confidence and feelng of self worth lately. Funny how people can bring you down even worse than you already are (yet the one young girl,22, preatched to me how she is a "good" catholic girl and goes to church on sundays, yet she doesnt practice what she preaches). Anyway, Im drowing everyone.....looking for a hand to reach down and pull me up from the raging waters that seem to be drowning me. I love my husband and I am so greatful to the Lord for sparing his life. I love "our" 4 kids to death. Im thankful for all the blessings in my life...so why should I feel like this? I feel like a scew up. If I were a good Christian, then I wouldnt loathe myself so much and I wouldnt feel this way. I want to smile again....I want to have the desire to live life and enjoy....I want to love myself. why cant I???? can someone offer something from the bible for me to read or advice please. Id greatly appreciate it. I feel like one of Gods lost sheep lately....I need to get out of this horible place I am in mentally.