toxic relationship and fibro flares

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by goodguess25, Dec 6, 2009.

  1. goodguess25

    goodguess25 New Member

    Every holiday my family comes out of the woodwork and sends me into a flare every single time. I have tried to cut ties and it not to be mean. My mom has her fariytail life and in the real world my brother and I were subject to all three forms of abuse by her fairytail husband. So I have learned not to answer her calls or encouraging her. Any slight hestation and she try to bring me and that sob in the same area. I have my kids to protect from harm and she is just clue less. Well after avioding her phone calls all week she finally leaves a message. Of course it was about my brother and it states he is in a bad way and wife left him unemployed going to lose his house and what not. So I call him in texas and its a total diffrent story yes him and his wife seperating he will lose the house because he wants to move to an energy efficent aparments and he goes back to work monday he was laid off for a short time. So I am suposed to call my mom back and report. So I did he is fine. I don't tell her what i think about the whole deal. He playing the sympath card leading right to your wallet he needs a drink and is broke for a week. Meanwhile she wants to talk so I make an excuse and get off the phone. I woke up feeling like I got ran over by a semi. I have even changed my number twice but someybody keeps giving her my number. I would like to try and enjoy my holidays with my kids and husband not spending the time in bed.
    [This Message was Edited on 12/06/2009]
  2. JewelRA

    JewelRA New Member

    I'm so sorry, goodguess. I come from a dysfunctional family too, and I know how they can wreak havoc on your health. I have recently had to REALLY seriously limit my interaction with my mother, who I only recently have allowed myself to admit is and always has been abusive to me.

    Just keep doing what you are doing. Limit interaction, or cut it out completely. Are you close to your brother? If so, I would only talk to him directly and any message that needs to get to you or your mom can come through him.

    It is hard.
  3. kat211

    kat211 New Member

    I recently cut off all communication with the people I share genetics with (I will use typical labels here out, as unfitting as I feel they are). I was party to their toxicity for more than three decades. The continue to harass me and my family. I haven't actually spoken to them in almost a year. They left me a very vulgar and hateful voicemail last week. I called them over the weekend and left a voice message telling them I would file legal charges against them, file for a restraining order, change my name, my phone number and my time-zone if they continued. I also told them that I had told my son the truth about their drinking and abusive behaviors, which yes I did. I also sent them a letter, in case they were drunk and didn't understand. My sister plays my parents like a fiddle. She has lied to them and laughs all the way to the bank, if the money makes it that far. I bought a house over the summer and no one in my family has the address, nor will I give it out if they ask. My family is more important to me than anything or anyone else. I flare when I am stressed. Just the thought of interacting with my parents and sister used to give me more stress than all of tax season (I was/am an accountant). I do not regret my choice to 'divorce' them. My family, husband, and son, and I are happier and healthier than we have ever been without them, even with my fibro. I have found that I am having less flares since they are out of my life.

    It is your choice when and how you interact with them. Your commitment is to yourself, your husband, and your children. Do not allow them to have a negative impact on your life. You are not obligated to be their mediarry or anything else. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Just remember, Taking care of yourself does not include feeling guilty about it. Find your happiness on your own terms. As far as I know, we only have one life to live and it is ours to live to the fullest, not to live on others terms.
  4. quanked

    quanked Member

    you may be able to block their phone numbers. It is a start.

    I am 59. It has taken me most of those years to break free from a very abusive family. I just recently blocked a couple of numbers belonging to a relative and her boyfriend from calling our cell phone numbers.

    This relative was the last of my family I was in contact with. I had cut myself off from my sisters and half brothers and some of their children a number of years ago. I only became involved with this relative because of young children at high risk. He**, what do I mean risk! All 5 of them had been abused--one more than others and severly so. It is so heartbreaking.

    I don't miss the drama, being used, disrespected or any of it (others will only do to us what we allow them to do). And, I do not feel guilty. I grieve, of course, but that lessens with time. A number of years have gone by since talking with anyone but this one relative and it is okay. I am not dead, the world has not ended and I feel free. And I know that I have not missed anything--only my fantisies of what I built up in my mind about what my family was about. I know that I have made a good, healthy, self-preserving, caring, freedom giving, and so much more choice for myself. I have no regrets. I have been shown more kindness, support and understanding by strangers than my family was ever able to offer. And these strangers never asked me for a pint or two of blood in return :)

    I hope for the best for all of them, I wish them no harm and may they find what they need in life. They are damaged. I have been damaged. I have my process, my journey and my healing. I have chosen to continue in this vein. I have learned the hard way that it must be without them. I guess its like that serentity prayer--accept the things I cannot change and move on.

    I know that it is not easy letting go. In fact, I imagine that it may be one of the hardest things to do in family life. We teach our children many distressing and unhealthy behaviors when we allow ourselves to be mistreated by our family. We can make excuses for families behaving badly but, in the end, I think that our children figure it out as children or by the time they reach adulthood. We are only kidding ourselves when we choose not to see what is going on for them or tell them that what they perceive is wrong (sounds like things I was told when I was a kid). And then, eventually, they can play the mind bending games with their families. The cycle continues.

    Just think of all the energy you will have for yourself and family if you let your family of origin go. Believe it or not they will survive without you.