Trapped in lousy marriage by illness

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by witsend, Oct 6, 2002.

  1. witsend

    witsend New Member

    Anybody out there able to leave a lousy marriage while you are sick and unable to work?
    I didn't work when the kids were little and by the time they were old enough I was sick and my husband made enough money so we could get by. I have been told that because I haven't ever worked much I am not eligible for any disability. So I am trapped in an abusive and stressfull marriage, unable to leave because I am so sick. And the stress makes my CFID and Fibromyalgia so much worse. All I keep hoping for is that I die from some illness or accident so I don't have to be stay in this neverending cycle of pain, illness, and abuse.
    Anyone else able to get out of a marriage without being able to work? Desperate and at my witsend.
  2. witsend

    witsend New Member

    Anybody out there able to leave a lousy marriage while you are sick and unable to work?
    I didn't work when the kids were little and by the time they were old enough I was sick and my husband made enough money so we could get by. I have been told that because I haven't ever worked much I am not eligible for any disability. So I am trapped in an abusive and stressfull marriage, unable to leave because I am so sick. And the stress makes my CFID and Fibromyalgia so much worse. All I keep hoping for is that I die from some illness or accident so I don't have to be stay in this neverending cycle of pain, illness, and abuse.
    Anyone else able to get out of a marriage without being able to work? Desperate and at my witsend.
  3. Fairyeyes

    Fairyeyes New Member

    would be local churches. I know many pastors in my area who would do whatever they could to help me out if I needed it. Most established churches have a "community fund" of some sort, to assist people who are in dire need. I pray you find the courage to do something, because to stay is foolish, and if your children are there with you, keeping them in this situation is also a form of abuse, whether you see yourself that way or not.
  4. blast

    blast New Member

    This past year has been the toughest one of my whole entire life. I won't bore you with the details, but we have a lot in common, just in a different way.
    You are eligible for SSI which is government funds for people like ourselves whom have none or not enough work credits for SSD. It isn't much, but it could be a start for you. I believe the amount in Michigan, which is where I live, is 565.00 a month. If your illness is bad enough, I don't know what you have if itis more than Fibro/CFS, but if your doctors state that you cannot work, you have a chance. All it takes is time and lots of energy. Apply at your local Social Security office and you can also apply over the phone if your to ill to go out for an appt. You may get turned down the first time, but reapply. Most people get turned down on their first attempt, some even the second, but don't give up. You can win this thing. If you are turned down more than twice I would recommend getting a lawyer, and they can take it from there.
    We have been through this, and believe me in the long run it is worth it. It is no piece of cake, but stick with it and keep your chin up and good things will come to you.
    We had no income for almost a year and a half and we just got a letter in the mail Saturday saying my hubby was approved for SSD, as well as my children. I almost fell to the floor. We haven't had any money for so long that I don't know how it will feel to have it again. (by the way my hubby is very ill and that is why we have so many hard times with each other)
    So, now it is my turn to apply for SSI, and see if I can get the ball rolling.
    Believe me when I say I know what you are feeling cuz I have been there and still am. My hubby is not physically abusive, but with all the stress we have been under, we have both become verbally abusive to one another. We are working on it, and I really want to see a marriage counselor.
    He's thinking about it, which is more than he had ever offered in the past. I think he finally realized that I meant what I said. Wish me luck.
    If your relationship is that bad, as dancersmom said, there are a lot of resources for abused women and their children. If you need help looking for them I'd be glad to help you in anyway I can.
    Good luck and try to keep your head up, if not for you, do it for your children!
    Take care,
    Blast (Sherri)
  5. lavender_butterfly

    lavender_butterfly New Member

    Witsend~

    I know it seems impossible. I know it seems too difficult. But no one deserves to be abused. You are better than that. You deserve better than that. You deserve to be loved, cherished, and cared for. Don't ever let anyone tell you differently or cause you to feel differently about yourself.

    And please ignore the ignorant people out there who admonish you for staying in that abusive household. The people who say those horrible, unsupportive, and destructive things HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE. Especially when you are abused, getting out is the MOST difficult thing you will EVER do. Let me take a guess...the last thing you need to hear are more words that will lower your self esteem, right? Because when you are abused, your self esteem is already very low. It takes a lot more than "you are selfish, what about your children?" to get you out of that home. They just don't see how scary it is for you. I understand. I have been there myself.

    But it is worth it to get out. Certainly, do it for your children...but do it for yourself. Because you deserve better. You will be happier, healthier, and stronger for it in the long run. My advice? Go see a therapist. Find someone who you TRUST and tell them EVERYTHING. Tell them you want out, but you are very sick, and you have no way of doing it on your own. They can help you...they have TONS of resources. If it wasn't for my therapist, I would have never found the strength.

    Take good care of yourself, believe in yourself. You can do what is best for you and your children. But you don't need to do it alone. Reach out to your community and let them help you. Best of luck to you!!
  6. Hippo

    Hippo New Member

    I was in exactly your situation, but my abusive husband left ME. In addition to CFS/FM, I developed sort of a panic disorder as a result of all the verbal abuse. My mom died about 3 years ago, and he started acting real crazy. He suddenly realized that he wanted a sort of joined-at-the-hip intimacy with me which I could no longer give due to being traumatized by him. He left us this past January, vowing to cut off my spousal support. I would love to be able to say that life is great now without the abuse, that's what people expect me to say, but it's not true. Maybe after a few years I will feel that way. I would never put you down for not being able to leave, I couldn't leave, I would have never left. Even though my Ex was verbally abusive in the marriage, he is still abusive. Abuse doesn't stop just because there's a divorce. He is kind of mean to our kids, but not mean enough that I could get a restraining order. I have no advice for you, but I just wanted you to know that there is someone out there who understands. If you would like to e-mail me, my address is Hippomania11@aol.com. Hope it's okay to post that.

    Hippo
  7. Fairyeyes

    Fairyeyes New Member

    I, too, have been abused. Please do not assume that you know whether anyone has or not.
  8. roro

    roro New Member

    I wasnt as afraid of the financial worries as you, I was lucky that I was working and got a pretty good settlement, and I could always move back with my mom if things got rough. Luckily, i havent had to do that yet. If you have been married all those years, i would think you would be entitled to alimony, no? I wasnt because I was only married for 2 1/2 years, and was working. Check it out. You may be able to get SSI AND alimony.
  9. ohmyaching

    ohmyaching New Member

    I hope you will seek out the help you need. You may feel at witsend, but you can do this. Help is out there but you must steel yourself to go and get it. I agree with the advice previously offered to seek a shelter or a minister especially if the abuse involves threats or acts of physical harm. Physical abuse should not be tolerated. If you are being physically abused or threatened you need to get away- no ifs, ands or buts. Abusive relationships are very hard to deal with whether you have CFS or not. I hope you're not using CFS as an excuse to avoid getting help. Get all the help you can get. It won't be easy but you can do it. It sounds like you've just been putting up with it for years. This board will support you anyway it can, but it sounds like you might also beneift from other people, actual living breathing people, you can talk to about your problem not some voice over the internet. Call your hospital for information on where you can find help in your area. You can do this, I don't think anyone here who has been through this will tell you that it is easy, but you can do this. Things can change if you want them to.
  10. Cactuslil

    Cactuslil New Member

    If I read your post correctly your children are no longer living at home? Couple of questions.....#1. Do you and your husband own your home? and do you want to keep it?

    #2. Even in TX if you are married 10-yrs, you can receive alimony....and

    #3. SSI is available to those indigent AND either unable to work or are elderly.
    ***********************************
    I am 54 and have a delightful ten year old son whom I homeschool since his father and I divorced when he was around six.....his father paid for private school until end of first grade then I took over.

    I had tried getting "daddy" to leave before but he would not; finally, after getting the goods and some preparation, he left on his own accord.

    If you want to be free from this marriage, prepare. Save what money you can and stash it where neither he nor the court know you have any money. Psych up for the divorce. Divorce is never easy even if you hate the man. For SSI benefits you must be indigent; with your husbands salary included in the "household" chances are you are not indigent.

    If you want to keep your home, ask for it in the divorce pleadings. The home will not be held against you in an SSI case. If your children are grown are they on "your side"?

    It is stressful to think of these things. I swear it like to have killed me trying to forge through and do what I felt I must do. Our circumstances were different; but the process necessary to get out of a non-productive marriage and get balance is the same. It is a terrible stress. I think I was 49-50 when this ordeal had to be faced. It was a nightmare...but now, four years almost five years later, I'm glad it is behind me. If I had to meet a husband's expectations I think I would roll over and die! Kind of damned if you do and damned if you don't. The hardest part thusfar is learning to live in poverty and do it with grace. On the eve of foreclosure on my home, my youngest grown daughter moved in and the mortgage co. then granted me special forebearance for a year. Its not over yet as my son's father decided to sue for custody and that really got my stress level sky-high! However I still have my son but his father won visitation rights and it has worked out okay thusfar.

    Good luck to you and remember the squirrel and tuck those nuts away for a rainy day! CactusLil'
  11. lavender_butterfly

    lavender_butterfly New Member

    It wasn't your response that I found offensive. You actually sounded supportive and kind!
  12. Fairyeyes

    Fairyeyes New Member

    oops-my bad!
    it is such a sensitive topic, i guess I got defensive! no real harm done, lets just pray that witsend makes out okay!
  13. allhart

    allhart New Member

    you can get spousal maintance, when you file for divorce youll need a attoney who will make sure that you can stay in the house my ex had to pay the mortgage payment even though he was not living there! that can be done as soon as you file,you can also get child support for your children under18 just put in your state and childsupport for a web seach and go to your states pg and calculate how much you can get DO NOT let ANYONE even a judge tell you you are not intitled to suppsal mantance or to settle for one flat amount your medcal records will have to be shared to prove you are disabled and also if you were married more then ten years you can get ss off your husbands work record go to the ss site and check it out you do have many options,please please dont stay where you dont feel happy get a lawyer and get him out and by the way he will probley have to pay for your lawyer fees also many will wait for payment, youll be in my prayers
  14. witsend

    witsend New Member

  15. witsend

    witsend New Member

    Thanks for all of your input. You have given me much to think about. The most intrigueing by far is the fact that I might get to collect SSI from my husbands earnings. But I live in Wisconsin and we are the " back to work state" thanks to Tommy Thompson. It is extraordiarily difficult to get any kind of welfare or disability. PLus we are a marital property state which mean alimony is no longer available. First and foremost 2 of my 3 children are grown and gone. The one remaining is almost 18. Abuse comes in many forms. I can't honestly say he never hit me because that did happen twice but most of it has always been very subtle control and neglect. The children haven't been exposed to much more than dad gets crabby a lot and mom is nicer and easier to talk to. Everything else has been behind closed doors and no one has ever been in real Danger. But my spirit has been in danger for a long time.
    I am not afraid of being poor, but anyone that has twenty seven years of family has to be very careful on how they proceed. I wanted to wait till the children were gone so belongings and pets would not have to be dispursed. I carefully weighed the good and the bad and felt it never crossed the line to be worth having them go through a painful divorce. But now I am approaching that time and want nothing more than a low income apt. and a couple of flower pots outside the door. But I am at the point where I can no longer work, shop, barely drive, and can barely cook for myself. I wonder how to make the change and whether I can handle independant living at this point. It scares me to death that I no longer can care for myself. But you all have given many suggestions of where to look for advice and I plan to start doing just that. Thanks for all your help.
  16. debrastets

    debrastets New Member

    Can you go to someone in your faimly? You can get more help without him! Stress Will make everything worst and can kill you!You need some one you can talk to! No one should live like that! I know ; because i have been down that road and it is a hard one! Than you will fine yourself saying why did i stay with that jerk in the frist place! Get some help and talk to your faimly and friends about it! God bless you and good luck!What state do you live in?