Help. What can I do? My son age 39 is holding some kind of grudge against me for about 15 years now; sometimes worse than others. Right now, as of 2 months we are not talking. Last time I was there, he was so verbally abusive I left for home crying. Had to drive 25 minutes on busy road crying all the way. Wanted to drive into siderail of road. Am dealing with counselor but she doesn't seem to be able to advise me anymore with this. Son was on drugs and alcohol since 13; before that he seemed to be relatively happy, joking kid but always had trouble with school; I think learning disability that was not picked up. He now has wife and 2 kids, 3 and 1/2 and 1 and 1/2. I can't see them if I don't go there. They mainly stay with her side of the family. Feel so separated and can't get my mind off what I did to make it this way; surely did some things as counselor says; it is never just one person. Did apologize and tell him I was sorry for anything I ever did that hurt him. But counselor says that may not be enough; may have to address specific things. I had major breakdown in 85 and had ECT which put my memory back 13 years. Had to refind my way again for years. Husband is now ex since 90 and have no one to discuss this with. Don't want to be first to make move since I feel awful when I am there; I am sure they talk about me--my depression, whatever. I am 64, live alone, have no real friends and feel haunted by this--going back to saying I was a really bad mom and maybe I was, but as a neglected child and teenager, I tried so hard, but it wasn't enough. I am heartbroken. Can anyone give me any direction???? Thanks for listening; long-winded, I know.