Trouble in family

Discussion in 'General Health & Wellness' started by patsie, Sep 9, 2004.

  1. patsie

    patsie New Member

    Help. What can I do? My son age 39 is holding some kind of grudge against me for about 15 years now; sometimes worse than others. Right now, as of 2 months we are not talking. Last time I was there, he was so verbally abusive I left for home crying. Had to drive 25 minutes on busy road crying all the way. Wanted to drive into siderail of road. Am dealing with counselor but she doesn't seem to be able to advise me anymore with this. Son was on drugs and alcohol since 13; before that he seemed to be relatively happy, joking kid but always had trouble with school; I think learning disability that was not picked up. He now has wife and 2 kids, 3 and 1/2 and 1 and 1/2. I can't see them if I don't go there. They mainly stay with her side of the family. Feel so separated and can't get my mind off what I did to make it this way; surely did some things as counselor says; it is never just one person. Did apologize and tell him I was sorry for anything I ever did that hurt him. But counselor says that may not be enough; may have to address specific things. I had major breakdown in 85 and had ECT which put my memory back 13 years. Had to refind my way again for years. Husband is now ex since 90 and have no one to discuss this with. Don't want to be first to make move since I feel awful when I am there; I am sure they talk about me--my depression, whatever. I am 64, live alone, have no real friends and feel haunted by this--going back to saying I was a really bad mom and maybe I was, but as a neglected child and teenager, I tried so hard, but it wasn't enough. I am heartbroken. Can anyone give me any direction???? Thanks for listening; long-winded, I know.
  2. patsie

    patsie New Member

    Patri:

    I don't know you and you don't know me, but I am glad to hear from you so much. I could not wait to get to my computer to see if anyone had any advice or direction. I will copy your clipping about him not needing me and that maybe I did a better job than I thought. I think you do understand the pain that a non-working or not in touch relationship brings. My son may be what is called a dry drunk; never having gone to AA only for 1 month in a rehab at 16 and then hardly following up at all. But it still hurts me because of my problem with depression and sadness. Thank you again for your input. I appreciate your taking the time to reply.

    Sincerely, Patsie
  3. Chrisnufc1892

    Chrisnufc1892 New Member

    I can't offer much either I'm afraid, I haven't been there either but from what you said I wonder if the problem isn't you but him and the way he is. You have to remember that you didn't hold him down and force drugs and alcohol into him, quite the opposite I'm sure. You don't know the long term effects of this on him. The problem with depression is we are too quick to blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong. And all we can do as parents is our best. There is no such thing as a perfect parent but you sound like a very caring person, don't beat yourself up about it. Just tell yourself you did the best you could. Maybe one day your son will see this for himself. Have you thought about changing your counsellor or do you feel happy enough with the one you've got?

    Don't know that this is much help but just remember you're not on your own.

    Hugs

    Chris
  4. mofunie

    mofunie New Member

    Hi Patsi, My heart goes out to you. Hi I'm susan. There are alot of people in the world today that have nowhere to turn for thier problems, it seems thier problems are unsolvable. Alot of times they really are unsolvable, I'm not talking about your problem specifically. I have a similar problem but it does'nt involve grandchildren, that breaks my heart. I did have a most terrible experience though with my own children. Before my exhusbad and I divorced, we had joint custody of our three kids, they were 4, 2, and 1. He was very abusive and heavily addicted to drugs, going out with other women, taking my antideppressants away from me, teaching my 4 year old to say things like "your a bad mother". The disgusting list goes on and on. You think your long winded---ha. During that time He disobeyed the joint custody order and did not allow me to see my 3 babies for 7 months. I was so traumatized my eyelids never rested on top of my eyeballs. well I'm better now. I got full custody of my beautiful 3 kids and they have been living with me for the last 7 yrs. I'll never forget the pain I went trough. I have a good relationship with God, he got me through it all. If you would like to know more about the God of comfort I would love to give you some comforting scriptures. 1 Peter 5:7. He cares for you. Please take care of yourself.
  5. patsie

    patsie New Member

    Hi, thanks for answering my "PROBLEM" on msg. board. It has gone on for so long; don't know how I could face him or want to go there to see grandkids, they are almost 4 and 2. Son is also bigoted, and so on and so on and so on. But he is nice to wife, very loving tokids, neighbors, her side of family. Hs not always been nice to his 2 sisters--I get along with them but they do not like my having to deal wth this or other depression. any scriptures you can give me would be a help. Have been to prayer groups; sometimes get discouraged with people who have it so good and are in cliques. Don't go anymore but am a churchgoer Sundays and other days--just not a lot of other days lately. This latest has thrown me. It is like a death in the family. I can see you have had a hard time of it also but mine doesn't end. Thank you for your reply and care. Patsie
  6. IMAL_04

    IMAL_04 New Member

    ((((HUGS))))...Maybe you could try writing a letter to your son, that way, it gives you more time to think about what you're gonna say and make it sound better...Tell him you are sorry that he is hurting, because you never wanted to see him hurt. You are his mother and you love him. You love his children as well. Ask him if maybe he would be willing to go and speak with a counselor with you so you can have a better relationship and try to understand each other's feelings better. Develop better communication skills.
    I have no children and I am very young to be giving advice about them, but I hope this works!
    And maybe getting involved in some social activities to meet new people. But hun, you've made a friend here :)
    Love,
    Shainie
  7. patsie

    patsie New Member

    Imal: thnks for answering; I had thought about a letter for a long time since he always has last word in conversations. So, I put one together over period of 2 months last year and took it to counselor; she read it and said ok, my 1 daughter read it and said it was good. I sent it and for about 7 months after I got respect and kindness. Then the last time I was there, I made remark to him bc he said he had so much going on with kids, work, etc. It seemed he was overworked and overloaded. So I said, "Jer, it's better that it is now than 10 years from now." At that point, he said to me, "Why are you giving me such crap? You don't know how I will be in 10 years." I did not think I said anything wrong (I just know for myself that 10 years more in age makes some things harder). So, I stepped back and thought what would my counselor want me to do? Confront him? So I did. I said to him, "Jer, why are you speaking to me this way." He wouldn't answer, kept his back to me and wouldn't talk. Then I said, Jer all I want is some respect and I thought after the letter I sent to you that you understood. Then he said "Oh, yah, that letter, I have been letting you pass on that, that was nothing but a vile piece of garbage. Then he proceeded towards me as I began to cry and stood in front of me saying, go ahead, cry, get supersensitive, I won't tolerate it. At that, I cried harder, and had to leave and said I won't be back. That is the scene. As for him going to therapy with me, he would never consider that. He downs everything, except his wife kids & people he likes. That is why my counselor said she doesn't know how else she can help. Hope you read this. Just let me know. I don't expect you to solve anything. My heart is so broken; he is dead to me. So are the grandchildren; they have always only been a big part of his wife's family.

    Thanks so much, Pat
  8. CATHYRG

    CATHYRG New Member

    you have my sympathy but you need to let go and make a life with or without your son and his children. your therapist should be able to help you get on with your life and work through the grieving and anger you must feel. you have done the best you knew how and he is doing the best he knows how. we all come out of imperfect homes in one way or the other but we want to be survivor's not victims, so keep puting one foot in front of the other and say a prayer. @ some point the ache will go away. sometimes when we let it go thats when things work out!! i know you can do it i did and so have many other mom's.
    [This Message was Edited on 09/27/2004]
  9. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    You are in a difficult situation.

    If you have genuinely apologized, then what else can you do?

    I don't know if your counselor ever told you this, but some people live their lives blaming all of their problems on someone else. Could this be going on with your son?

    If you ACT like you deserve to be treated with little respect, then you WILL be treated with little respect.

    What you are doing isn't working, so change whatever you are doing. Change what? Ans. Anything that you sense gives him the power and makes you feel badly about yourself.

    If he starts to say nasty things, then remove the audience. Don't make a scene, make an exit.

    You didn't indicate your relationship with your daughter-in-law. She could possibly be the "bridge" between you and your son.

    When you go over there, go with positive body language and a smile on your face. Compliment them on SOMETHING so you are keeping the conversation positive. Don't walk around like a whipped puppy or you are inviting your son to belittle you.

    There is obviously MUCH more to the things that have led up to this son/mother relationship than you have indicated in your post. Only you know what is best, but I wouldn't set yourself up as the cause for his life's problems.

    He is a big boy now and CHOOSES his own life's path.
    Joyfully