Troubled mother and daughter relationships

Discussion in 'General Health & Wellness' started by manchesterterrier, May 29, 2003.

  1. manchesterterrier

    manchesterterrier New Member

    Has anyone else had an extended problem dealing with their daughter. My daughter is 21 and has put us through hell for 4 very long years. Now she is getting married and it has made thing worse.
  2. manchesterterrier

    manchesterterrier New Member

    Thanks Aqua Rose! I really appreciated your imput. No I have not been absive; but I have said somethings I reqret in the heat of the arguments. I am staying my distance and I do send cards to tell her she is loved. It is so hard to let our children fail.
  3. caroless

    caroless New Member


    Hi,

    I am brand new to boards, and I couldn't believe it when I saw ur message. My daughter's coldness began as my illness progressed. In my case, for anything her husband percieved as not "perfect" about out family....I was appointed as the "bad guy"...
    Since my illness, my 28 year marriage has suffered terribly. I think this embarrasses her in front of her hubby. (as the validity of my illnes/pain was questioned!) I have responded to my husband's seemingly lack of regard, empathy, being there....etc. by just leaving cause I could not handle this. I mean for the night....not long term. I could not believe his response to...what has become...a chronic illness with a lot of pain which has been hell to get a doc to "deal" with. As a result, I have certainly not been myself!!
    My daughter finally admitted to me when she was mad at her Daddy that she had told her hubby it was me that did not want to babysit my grandson's which her hubby considers to be required of Grandma. The irony is I want them all the time, but my pain has caused difficulty in regard to taking care of them! It has all broke my heart; more than my 2 heart surgeries....it least emotional. Both of my kids...twins, 26....are rotten spoiled and my son has been the most supportive although he has his crosses to bear which intervere with his consistant support. Back to my daughter....she has an image of Daddy that is manufactured....SHE IS AWARE OF THIS, however, she has told me how hard it has been for her to accept the reality of what her Daddy is. The truth is he is not a bad Dad....just not a Prince on a White Horse as she had thought. Or, hoped to be true.
    I think our issues deal around those two issues:
    My illness,
    and her accepting the reality that Daddy is not who she had imagined.
    Caroless
  4. HAJW

    HAJW New Member

    I am grown now with two daughters of my own. 15 and 10. I was the angry, awful teenager you are talking about. My mother and I fought about everything, all the time. I look back on it now and wonder why? I guess because we knew how to push each others buttons. We had problems like most families do, but to this day I wish things were different. I wasn't abused, I was an only child and yes spoiled, but I was never selfish. To this day I wish I could be selfish, but my parents didn't raise me to be like that. Although I wasn't told NO very often, I learned my life was special and my parents loved me, but others were not a fortunate. I ran right after high school, (my oldest daughter was 6 months). My boyfriend, now husband, moved away and we started our life together. It helped me get through the rough times with my mother, but to this day our relationship is not what it should be. She backed off and let me have my space, but something about the fights and many other things scarred our relationship forever. I do have some friends who fought with their mothers like I did and they are closer today with their mothers then anyone I know.
    Whether it will get better with time, only time can tell. But I agree, back off and see what happens. The hardest thing to do is let us fall, but you have to. I am learning that with my girls now. I am trying everyday to make sure my relationships with them are better, more open and as close as they will let me. So far it is working. I am remembering all the things my mother did that I hated and trying my HARDEST not to do them to my girls. She will see the light when her children are born!!
    I hope this helps.
    H
  5. JlynnJ

    JlynnJ New Member

    This is a common thing... especially during the teen years. My daughter is 17 years old, going on to 40. So she acts! I have been through so much with her already, that she has moved out with her boyfriend. I didn't approve of this so we didn't speak for months. I miss her dearly and we are on the road to repairing our relationship. It's hard letting her go, as she will always be my baby. Someday, she will have a daughter of her own, and will experience what I'm going through. I can't wait for that day. lol
  6. caroleye

    caroleye New Member

    Well, perhaps this will give some of the negative perspective..........I've been "divorced" from my mother since I was 50; should've done it years prior as she was only an "egg-doner" to me always.

    My only daughter came in almost genetically identical to my mother, and has now taken the same path as her. Being angry at me for not being there due to my illness and their power & control trips that I'm just not into playing.

    And even now as she has kids of her own, I thought that would change the scenario, but she just isolated them from me. Easy to do as we do not live close together. I used to travel to visit, but now that I'm disabled, the connection disappeared.

    So I do the sending of cards & gifts, and am learning with great difficulty not to have any expectations of a reciprocal relationship. And to understand that "blood" relationships do not mean "connections".

    Happy I only birthed one!! Did the best I knew with what I had..............caroleye
  7. Kingskid

    Kingskid New Member

    My daughter & I never got along, till she had a child of her own, then she understood, so hang in there.
    Mothers & daughters are too much alike, she is just going thru what we all went thru at one time or another so hang in
    there Pray. Love/Prayers
    Remember you two love each other, Love concors
  8. Ipegasus

    Ipegasus New Member

    Me too.



    I remember when I was pregnant and being the third daughter that I knew of that was the oldest hoping I was having a boy. I came from a very matriarch family. I rebelled some but my mother found a boyfriend who could keep me inline and abuse me. Luckily, my father finally came to the rescue and won custody but I still held all the responsibility and answered for my brothers problems. Finally, when my closet brother went to drugs because he just couldn't handle it, I left home and spent the rest of my teenage years with friends and relatives. My father had FM and just didn't cope well with it, he wanted to work so much, he neglected us alot. For me it was the best thing though not so well for my brothers.
    I will never forget and remind my daughter that when she was thirteen, we saw a fifteen yr old acting terrible towards her mother, I asked her if she thought it would ever be that way for us and she said, no way. Of course that wasn't the case. I definately believe that if we are unlucky enough not to have a good support system our children suffer. At fourteen, she fought me tooth and nail, until I gave in for the boys sake and let her move in with her Father who lived in Florida and worked a revolving schedule. He suggested she live with her Aunt but that didn't work because she just didn't have the experience and went to live with Dad. I worried that not being around her Dad was leading her to look for a father figure, which may or may not have been true, but at least we weren't fighting all the time. She always wanted to be an only child, ...
    She failed High School because she kept getting ill. Her father tried to learn about FM but she would party with friends and he felt she was sick from that, some of that was true but she suffers from terrible migraines. I did what the others did. I let her make her own choices. I tell her what I think, encourage her to do the more sensible thing and then let her live with the consequences. She sometimes throws in, "but I was too young to make those choices", I just smile and say I know but you only wanted it to be your way. You wanted choices, it is better to learn now then ten years from now, I won't take responsibility for not tying her up and forcing her to do what I wanted her to do. Now we have a good relationship but we still disagree. Her brothers think she is a terrible airhead but they love her and use her as a role model of what not to do. It is so hard to be the oldest! Yet they get together and have fun doing what they all like to do.
    She has a fairly nice boyfriend and uses birth control. I always remind her how hard it was for us when they were growing up and that it was because I had few choices in birth control. At least she believes that and she is sick so she knows how hard it is to raise children. I know I am lucky. Her boyfriend took her to Alabama and is learning to be an Electrician so that my daughter can go to College. When she finishes, he will go back to College to be a Cook, he understands that they need to take their time. I told her I will miss her but it is less expensive in Alabama and he has good opportunites there. I told her she was always restless, so I knew she would travel.
    I don't know that if she didn't go through all of this she may not have had the courage to try new things. I believe the cards and presents are the best. Even if you don't see your grandchildren, they will remember your thoughtfulness and they will be teenagers some day. My grandmother was always my best friend. I consider her more my mother than my own mother who I do not see for obvious reasons.

    Just keep loving her, hopefully, she will realize soon she made a mistake but some children only learn from mistakes. I was told once that children are ours to hold for only a little while, they do not belong to us but are gifted to us, so we must use that time well. Now she is an adult she can be your friend. Thinking that way and treating her that way will help you both cope.
    I see so many mother's (not mine, why we don't communicate), feel so responsible and society tends to blame us for any wrong doing our children do, so we find it hard to stop being Parents and learning to be friends. I tell my kids, this is a training camp, I have 18 years to teach you how to survive, so pay attention because soon you will be grown up and I won't be there for you when I pass away. They hate that but it also reminds them that I won't hold them hostage and will let them grow up to be what they are suppose to be. We respect each other more because of it. No, I don't intend to kick them out but I am trying to encourage them to make friends that they can room with and use as College buddies.

    I feel your pain and understand, it is so hard to see your child pass up good opportunites because of their bad friends but we cannot live their lives for them. Please try to spend some of that time you spend worrying, trying to do something good for yourself. It is hard at first but if she sees you are happy, it makes her look to you more and helps her see how screwed up her life really is. It will kill you if you neglect your health.

    Be good to yourself, apoligize often,

    Pegasus
  9. OhZone

    OhZone New Member

    I was one of those daughters. Mom & I didn't really fight. She was maybe overprotective and I felt she was being intrusive and resented it. I was only 19 when I told her that one day I would move a thousand miles away and would never see her again. I immediatly relented and said I might see her once a year.
    Well, time passed and I fulfilled my own prophesy. I was 23 when I packed my car and moved to Florida. This was not a move out of anger, but out of joy. We had been to Florida that spring and it was Paradise. The next 5 years before I got married were the best 5 years of my life. I found my career here. Mom & dad came down every winter and we had lots of good times together. They moved here, and we lived only a few blocks from each other and visited often.
    I just needed space. I wanted to be treated like an adult without having to answer for my every move.
  10. patg47

    patg47 New Member

    I was just looking through posts and yours caught my eye. I had problems with my #1 daughter from the time she hit about 16 until she was nearly 30. I begged her to go to counseling, but she refused. Finally I decided to go to a counselor on my own. Not to resolve anything, but to help me deal with the problem and work through it. Basically, don't cut her off from your world, but don't let her suck you into her world by fighting. Let her know you are there for her, but bottom line is you ARE the Mother, and if she can't give you the respect you deserve then you have nothing to say to her. It's the toughest thing I ever did, but now my problem daugher is nearly 36 years old, has a teenager of her own (which has helped our relationship a lot), and we have a pretty good relationship. Sometimes you have to tell them altho you love them and always will, you don't like them right now--I think those words to my daughter made more of an impact than anything I ever said. Good luck--TXPat