Trying talk more time

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Chelz, Apr 28, 2013.

  1. Chelz

    Chelz New Member

    Hi everyone, I have not posted in a while, have been very depressed, lots of pain, feeling lonely, work issues and having to deal with my 84 year old mom.

    My computer was done for weeks also, another stressor to deal with. I have mentioned before that I have gone for talk therapy, this will be my third time, but I have not stuck with it for more than 5 or 6 sessions.

    My job provides free counseling, 10 sessions, with a counselor. After that, if he or she feels I would need more therapy, they will recommend someone for me.

    On top of all that, a friend and co-worker of mine has learned she might have cancer, this is making things so much worse, I have cried and have been thinking about her all weekend. I am feeling guilty because all I can think about are my problems and issues......while she may be batteling cancer.

    Aside from that........I am sooooooooooo afraid to start this therapy. In the past it has always seemed so "fake" to me. Maybe I don't want to really reveal how unhappy I am because I am afraid they will suggest medication (it was suggested before) and I refuse to take it for soooooooooooo many reasons that I won't get into it. I was on that stuff before........doesn't solve anything and only makes things much much worse.

    Where does one start? The last time I went to therapy with one of these counselors, it just didn't work out. I felt weird, afraid, embarrassed, and feel so hopeless and overwhelmed. I felt "strange" telling him how I felt, my jealousy issues, my health (a big one) and my loneliness.

    I do have friends (sometimes I wonder how), no relationships, a not so great job, and I am a caretaker of my elderly mother. I battle my weight CONSTANTLY, especially after taking antidepressants many many years ago, I gained an enormous amount of weight, and have only been able to take of half of it, I still battle the rest...........on top of everything else.

    Last Sunday, I was in soooo much pain from my low back, hips, thighs, that I almost had to call my sister to take me to the emergency room, I didn't, because that kind of pain gets very very bad.......but then it calms down and just moves everywhere else, typical fibro I guess, but just the thought of going to the emergency room was putting me into an anxiety attack or something. I knew the pain would get better, not gone, but better with some time. This is no way to live, but I put on a smiley face when I go to work..........I feel like a true fake or something, but no one would want to hear my pain issues.

    Thanks all for listening to this, just babbeling on as usual, but then again, I can do that with you guys.....I will be more quiet and intimidated in therapy. Hugs to all Chelz.

  2. ameilie73

    ameilie73 Member

    Thank you for your post. Wow you do have a whole heap of things going on, must be hard not to lose yourself amongst it, must be very stressful.

    Yes you are right we must have a mask for each occasion because we fear letting people underneath, because of what they might think of us, or they might run for the hills which would only add to feelings of separation (well theres a whole heap of negative feelings that can add to). But everyone does it, everyone presents a certsin image to the world s different one for each scenario "The workplace face, which for me was often set between a smile and a look of constipation" if you had met my work colleagues you'd know why. Buts that only because their kind of doing the same thing, everyone desperately trying.

    I believe thats why when people get in doors they kick off their shoes, put on their tracksuit bottoms and veg out in front of the tv with a sigh necause sometimes its all such an effort and you can be yourself indoors. Thats why some days we turn off our phones and hide from the neighbours if they knock.

    i mean "battle" is the optimum word. Especially if you have one of these conditiins, then on top of everything else,(I helped take care of my grandmother after her stroke and it is a full time job in of itself so I understand) and sometimes i get to a point, like i see a child throwing a tantrum in the supermarket and i think, i know exactly how you feel mate, but i dont have the energy for that, however, I do feel like sitting on the floor in the aisle and saying "Thats it ive had enough. Whatever this is ive had enough of it." And wish someone, just for a change could take over and give me a break, take over everything, the shopping, the pain, the insomnia, the fatigue, the sitting on the toilet for the 50th time in one night, the cleaning the plug hole of hairs, everything.

    For talk therapy to work i think you need to be able to trust the person you are talking to. Im not sure how id feel about a man therapist simply because there are issues only related to a woman, that a woman would understand, same for men.

    Im not sure about counselling either. Ive had it and i often feel like i might as well sit indoors and talkvto the wall, specifically because they are not meant to be challenging just sit there and bounce what you are saying back to you, that said there is some worth in that, but if i sit with my feelings long enough to not want to pass them like a hot potato i often find i can sort through them myself.

    I find a pen and pad more useful to me. I did ask for psychotherapy once as i understand that is more of a confrontational therapy, but i only had two sessions and was told i had sufficient self awareness. See sometimes the problem does lie with us, we learn adaptive behaviors that although helped us survive whatever, may well now be hindering us. Theres no point telling someine to say no to things and not feel guilty or responsible, that person has to learn why they can say no. That is what i found lacking in counselling. But sometimes the problem does lie with the other person, and no amount of adapting on your part will change them

    But some people do just need someone to talk to, because you can lose and abandon yourself, especially in caretaking situations, or if you've been brought up to place your self worth in people pleasing behaviors, hence you put how you think the other person feels before how you feel and in the process end up losing yourself. but you do have to trust that person you confide in, and believe that they have some idea where you are coming from.

    I hope all goes well for you Chelz

    [This Message was Edited on 04/29/2013]
    [This Message was Edited on 04/29/2013]
    [This Message was Edited on 04/29/2013]
    [This Message was Edited on 04/29/2013]
  3. mbofov

    mbofov Active Member

    Well, it's no good seeing a therapist if you can't tell them how you really feel. That would feel fake, but I totally understand that you don't want to take meds. I think it would be best if you bite the bullet and be as honest as you can be about how you feel (all the things that are bothering), but also how you won't take meds, and see what the counselor says.

    I speak from experience when I say that there are good counselors and ineffective ones, and I found that a good counselor is hard to find. So I can understand your reluctance here. On the other hand, a good counselor can be invaluable in helping you deal with issues. But only one that you feel free enough to be honest with. And you won't know that until you see someone. And as someone else said, you might do better with a female counselor.

    I started seeing counselors in my 20's for issues it turned out primarily stemming from childhood abuse. I had never realized how much it impacted me. I didn't make any real progress until I started doing EMDR therapy (google it) - it's extremely effective for any kind of trauma and all sorts of issues, so if you can find a counselor who does EMDR, it can be very helpful.

    Another technique which can be effective is called EFT - emotional freedom technique, and this is something you can do on your own. (google it, also see

    One of the biggest things I got out of EMDR was that I learned I had to accept myself, all of me, especially the parts of me I thought I had to get rid of. You mentioned jealousy - I used to be very insecure and jealous with my husband (now my ex), but I couldn't get past it, until I accepted it and stopped beating myself up for it. And it was paradoxical - once I accepted it, my tremendous insecurity, it lost its power over me - I was able to see clearly where it came from (a deep sense that I was not good enough to put it simply, and it was pretty obvious where that belief came from) - and when I started treating myself with compassion instead of self-hatred or rejection, the jealousy started to disappear. I had spent years and years trying to control or get rid of parts of me, but didn't make progress until I stopped doing that and consciously started accepting all of me.

    Jam mentioned a 12-step program her daughter is going to. These are very good programs and can help you take control of your life. I went to Al-Anon for 10 years and learned so much about myself.

    You do have a lot going on, but you can change and start to make your life how you want it. You mention a sister - can she help with your mom's care? Good luck --