Hi everyone, I have not posted in a while, have been very depressed, lots of pain, feeling lonely, work issues and having to deal with my 84 year old mom. My computer was done for weeks also, another stressor to deal with. I have mentioned before that I have gone for talk therapy, this will be my third time, but I have not stuck with it for more than 5 or 6 sessions. My job provides free counseling, 10 sessions, with a counselor. After that, if he or she feels I would need more therapy, they will recommend someone for me. On top of all that, a friend and co-worker of mine has learned she might have cancer, this is making things so much worse, I have cried and have been thinking about her all weekend. I am feeling guilty because all I can think about are my problems and issues......while she may be batteling cancer. Aside from that........I am sooooooooooo afraid to start this therapy. In the past it has always seemed so "fake" to me. Maybe I don't want to really reveal how unhappy I am because I am afraid they will suggest medication (it was suggested before) and I refuse to take it for soooooooooooo many reasons that I won't get into it. I was on that stuff before........doesn't solve anything and only makes things much much worse. Where does one start? The last time I went to therapy with one of these counselors, it just didn't work out. I felt weird, afraid, embarrassed, and feel so hopeless and overwhelmed. I felt "strange" telling him how I felt, my jealousy issues, my health (a big one) and my loneliness. I do have friends (sometimes I wonder how), no relationships, a not so great job, and I am a caretaker of my elderly mother. I battle my weight CONSTANTLY, especially after taking antidepressants many many years ago, I gained an enormous amount of weight, and have only been able to take of half of it, I still battle the rest...........on top of everything else. Last Sunday, I was in soooo much pain from my low back, hips, thighs, that I almost had to call my sister to take me to the emergency room, I didn't, because that kind of pain gets very very bad.......but then it calms down and just moves everywhere else, typical fibro I guess, but just the thought of going to the emergency room was putting me into an anxiety attack or something. I knew the pain would get better, not gone, but better with some time. This is no way to live, but I put on a smiley face when I go to work..........I feel like a true fake or something, but no one would want to hear my pain issues. Thanks all for listening to this, just babbeling on as usual, but then again, I can do that with you guys.....I will be more quiet and intimidated in therapy. Hugs to all Chelz.