Twin has anorexia, I have fibro: Should I kick abusive Father out of life?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by baanders, Jan 5, 2009.

  1. baanders

    baanders New Member

    Hello friends,
    My twin and I are 36. I do not think Father means to be abusive. I love my Mom. He messed up me and my sister. He gave her anorexia. She is 90 lbs and looks emaciated and unattractive. She is emotionally handicapped to a point. She is able to work, but she looks awful. My father refuses to really talk to her lovingly and treat her like the princess she really is.

    He gave me fibromyalgia. When it went into remission several times in my 20's, he'd be nice to me. When I did what he wanted, he'd be nice. He picked a difficult major and forced college on me. Said I had to meat my husband in his church. Very controlling. When I was battered in college, he wouldn't let me call the police. He never was a Father who told us we were beautiful or worthy at all. My sister has only had 2 dates in 10 years. Last night, Mom popped uninvited in our house to bring soup (My mom is a sweetie and so is my husband). I've told her for the past 4 years that my sister needs help. My mom is in denial. So last night, my husband and I both confronted her.

    When I had bone pain everywhere, Father ignored me. He has been a fair-weathered friend since I got married. He always did yell and make mean faces. Sister and I have always been dolls. Father allowed men to abuse us. He never treated us like adults. Very overprotective. The issues are deep.

    Mother said Father cries because I won't allow him over. I wrote him, asking him to love my sister and help her. He won't.

    Do I have the right to kick him out of my life? Is that mean of me? The best thing he ever did for me was teaching me to be a good Christian. He taught me the Bible. But He never acted like Love the way the Bible describes it. He told me he is impatient and he will always be that way. Besides that, He allowed abuse and was abusive in every way, except not sexually. Now that he's been out of my life since September, I don't feel intimidated around him.

    1. Is it OK to kick him out of my life?
    2. How can I help sister? I've tried everything.
    I cannot afford counseling and I told him he's the one who needs it.

    Thanks for help, friends.

    LISALOO New Member

    I can't even imagine how you're dealing with all this. Yes, you can kick your father out of your life. I did it at 18. Because of all my issues with him I was anorexic at 15. I couldn't deal with all his emotional abuse. The counselor told him everything was my fault, even though she never once talked to me. So every breakup, every bad thing was my mom's or mine fault.

    I've had drs tell me that it's better to stay away from toxic people. They will drain you too much.

    Who's more important to you, yourself or your father? Yourself should be first.
    [This Message was Edited on 01/05/2009]
  3. hermitlady

    hermitlady Member

    Some of your story sounds the same as my relationship w my father. He was also very controlling and I was railroaded into going to college and majoring in Engineering (which I hated). He had 4 daughters and I'm the youngest. I think he wanted to be able to brag about my degree because he was also an Engr.

    I was always afraid of him even tho he never laid a hand on me. He emotionally and verbally abused all of his daughters. None of us could ever really talk to him about how he made us feel. It never did any good to argue a point w him because he was "always right". Horrible way to grow up. I think he meant well, but never seemed to want us to follow our dreams in order to have a happy life. Everything had to be based on his ideas and beliefs.

    Today in fact is the 1 yr anniversary of his death. He was quite ill the last 10 yrs of his life due to high blood pressure and strokes. I spoke to him a couple of hrs before he died and tried to explain some of my feelings. He was in a coma, but I had to tell him some things that I never had the nerve to bring up when he was healthy. It made me feel better in a way, hopefully somehow he heard me.

    I had to avoid him as much as possible for many yrs because he just made me insane. To this day, I have zero self esteem and hold a huge amount of resentment in my heart. Too bad I hadn't been stronger and more independent when I was younger, but I tried to stand up to him the best I could.

    If your father is alive and well but will not really listen to you, I'd just avoid him. Sounds like your mom is great (like mine), but she is possibly controlled by him also. I know my mom never stood up to Dad, it just wasn't worth the effort.

    Your sister's health should be top priority, I don't understand why nobody wants to help her. You need to do what's best for you, if he is such a negative force in your life you shouldn't put up with it. I know how hard that is tho, I wish you luck.
  4. sweetbeatlvr

    sweetbeatlvr New Member

    i was abused by a step-mother, and also had a step-dad who did some less than proper things to me.

    i was taught that when someone has done something wrong to me, i should pray for them. something is obviously not right with them, and i should pray that God will help them with their issues.

    i have done this, but i also have seperated myself from them too.

    you are not a bad person! i wouldn't necessarily call him a "bad" person either, but someone who needs help.

    tell your father that you believe that things he has done have been hurtful to you and your sister, and that if he is not willing to admit this, then you have to do what is right for yourself, and seperate from him for awhile, but let him know you will be praying for him.

    then pray for him, that he will find the guidance he needs, and be able to see what his actions may have been responsible for. then pray for yourself, that you will be strong, and for the guidance to help your sister, and that she too will see the light.

    i recently came in contact with my step-father, after 5 years. he called to apologize for what he had done, and i told him i forgave him. actually i forgave him a long time ago.

    prayer does work.

    i wish you the best, and i'll say a little prayer for you.<3
  5. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Gosh, I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all of this!
    Only you can answer whether you want to kick him out of your life. Is there any chance of a reconciliation down the road - do you ever think he'll "see the light".

    I can't imagine being abused - let alone by my father. I have the most wonderful father in the world - BUT I had a debilitating eating disorder many years ago AND I have Fibro. So whether someone can 'give' it to you or not, I don't know. I think there are definitely things that bring out what may already be there.

    Your sister needs more help than just your Dad talking to her. If she is that ill, she needs professional help. An eating disorder can take over your life - and obviously can be life threatening. It is stronger than you - she needs additional help.

    If being near your Dad is causing you too much angst and stress, then I think you need a separation until he realizes you cannot let him be a part of your life if things continue the way they are. I would let him know that as well.

    I wish you the best, your sister too. I'm sure you're terribly worried about her.
  6. limbo

    limbo Member

    I would say it is long overdue to get your parents out of your life and your twin! Look into mental health centers, they are funded by goverment. Has your twin applied for Mediciad? She needs to be in the hospital, her heart is being damaged. Call social services. A hospital can't refuse treatment, take her to ER. Please get help, your message is heartbreaking!!
  7. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    With those suggesting therapy. It might help both you and your sister. BTW, annorexia runs in families who have FMS and other illnesses in this strange families of disorders.

    In therapy, we learn just how we feel about what has happened to us. We also learn that we are not responsible for what others do or have done. What we learn in therapy is that we can only control how we live our lives and how we respond to what happens to us. Sometimes, that means forgiving and re-establishing relationships; sometimes, it means getting rid of toxic people in our lives.

    Research points to a genetic factor in our illnesses. Injuries, illnesses, toxins, and stress can combine to cause our conditions to flare into full-blown illnesses. Stress may be the worst thing for us. That often means eliminating the stress in our lives to the best of our ability. I know you think your father "gave" you these conditions but it is more likely that his parenting was the catylist which threw you both into your illnesses. If you believe he was the sole cause of your illnesses, it disempowers you to heal. Therapy can help you to become empowered to deal with your father, your sister, and your illness.

    God bless you and good luck.

    Love, Mikie