Unrealistic expectations?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by fibrohugslife, Feb 12, 2006.

  1. fibrohugslife

    fibrohugslife New Member

    Okay here is the deal, I am currently dating a guy that lives clear across the country from me, I live in California and he lives in New York. Yep a long distance relationship and I told him that before starting to seriously date him is that I don't have time to fool around and I need someone that is going to be there for me. I am wishing that he would call me more but I am not sure if my expectations are unrealistic or not.

    He works two jobs, and works 6 days a week and so he when he gets home from work, it is like past midnight his time, and so he usually just goes to sleep. He then has to get up around 4:30am and do the whole thing again. So he basically works a lot.

    Now he said that he does not want to call me and be falling asleep on me because he is so tired, and he has done that several times and told him that I just can't stand for that. I am here suffering through hell and pain with my illness and most times I don't feel like talking to anyone but I sacrifice that to talk with him. So I was hoping he would just fight hard to stay awake a few minutes and talk with me a little.

    For me I am home now because of my fibro and CFS getting worse, and for me I try to be as available as I can to him when he does call me. I go to school fulltime online and that takes up a majority of my time, and I am trying to re-open my online business in the next few months so that will increase my level of busyness.

    He got angry and was like I call you plenty of times and you were not available and I physically checked my phone and didn't find that he called really that often and there was one time of recent that I was not available which was yesterday as I needed my rest from going out. He said that he feels like I am punishing him for working two jobs, and I am not. I just feel that for a long distance relationship these take a lot of work to upkeep and you got to be giving somewhere to make it work.

    He says he understands my illness, but at the same time it feels like he doesn't 100%. Like he does not get it all the way, just not there yet. He just sees that I am at home living with family and that I am living the lap of luxury which I am not, and has an illness that is just manageable when it's not.

    So my real question is am I being unrealistic expecting or hoping that he would sacrifice a little of his time to call me? I understand the not wanting to fall asleep on me, but I have not that happen with guys that I have dated before.

    It is hard for me as I don't have any friends where I live and it is hard to go out to places and meet people etc because of being so ill. So my life is different, and maybe I am just being needy, as it would be nice to have someone more to talk to as I don't have too much of that.

    So I am not sure what to necessary do or just leave it as it is and continue along with my life. I don't have much of an interest in dating more if it does not work out with him as I just do not have the energy to devote to trying to figure guys out and their intentions. My illness is a big enough job as it is.

    Anyway if you got this far in reading this LOL please let me know your thoughts.

    [This Message was Edited on 02/12/2006]
  2. Rosiebud

    Rosiebud New Member

    honestly?? I think you're expecting a lot from the guy, he's exhausted!!!!!! If he's falling asleep on the phone then he's really, really exhausted.

    You are at home all day, I know what it's like, thats where I am and we tend to forget what it's like to be going out and doing a job, having a 'normal' life.

    Plus, dont you think he is just to far away to be 'dating'.

    You havent mentioned how much you like the guy, never mind love him. You say you sacrifice your time to speak to him.

    I think I'd give this relationship a swerve. When I speak to people I love, it's never a sacrifice, never a chore, always a pleasure.

    You'll meet someone one day.


  3. mamabear2157

    mamabear2157 New Member

    Hi Nicole!

    First let me say I am sorry you are hurting. I also understand your frustration. I ended a relationship for similar reasons. At some point, you just have to decide how much of your health you are willing to give up. Long distance relationships are hard even under ideal circumstances. When you add any illness in, it can become a nightmare.

    As far as expectations, you, just like anyone else, have a right to expect certain things. Unfortunately, it sounds like your boyfriend has to work two jobs to make ends meet. If this is the case, I am sure he probably is exhausted by midnight. It sure sounds like he keeps himself busy with the two jobs, and he gets to bed late and is up very early too.

    The reason I left the guy I was dating, is because it seemed like he could make plans with his brother, his friends, his co-workers. But when it came to me, he couldn't. He knew about my illnesses before we started dating, and said they were no problem. I told him that I basically had to plan my life out. If I was going somewhere or doing something, I had to plan it so I could rest prior to doing it, and afterwards also. So when I got tired of not being a priority, I said enough is enough.

    I really don't have any good advice or answers for you. However, you know your body, your mind, your heart and your soul. If they aren't all in agreement, then maybe it just isn't right for you at this time.

    Gentle hugs,

    Mary Ellen
  4. fibrohugslife

    fibrohugslife New Member

    Thank you so much for your honest opinion and as for dating, I met him online actually. I have dated in my own state for a long time and just never met anyone and then have just met the nicest people in other states and it is hard to decide what to do with that. We have met several times and we mesh really well together.

    I would love to just date in my own state but the guys here are eeeeeh lol. I thought I would give this a try but I let him know my ground rules with the whole deal with me being ill.

    We do love each other, so I guess I will just back off and find another hobby for now LOL. Awhile back before we dated I did ask him if he has time for me because of his schedule and we doing this long distance and he said yes. So maybe for me I just need to focus more on my schedule and myself and when we do get to talk just cherish those times. I think what I will do is try to schedule some time with him when he does have free time and try to work it like that.

    I am learning lots in dating as I have never really dated much until recently, so relationships and understanding how they work are hard for me. I will be taking that advice and using it now.

  5. Rosiebud

    Rosiebud New Member

    I have two friends who met their husband / wife online. The guy I know actually moved from UK to Canada and they now have a little boy. The other person is also very happily married to her on-line beau.

    I wish you all the luck in the world, it must be so difficult for you being so young and housebound most of the time.

    I bet there is a guy in your State who would be ideal!!!!!!

    Let us know how you get on.

  6. Jana1

    Jana1 New Member

    You are a beautiful woman with a lot of ambition. I have no doubt that if this man is not the right one, you will find someone who is. No, I don't know how..I havent been dating for 40 years...I have been married that long.

    Is your on line business related to human services or your interest in scrapbooking?

    If you confront him more about the calls...come from the place of disappointment, not anger.

  7. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    the two of you? Is he working two jobs just to survive or is he trying to get up the $$$ to move closer to you?

    I've never been in this position as when I was dating there weren't computers and all..LOL, shows my age.
    I can't imagine though that there can be much to come of it unless one of you is making plans and working toward them to be together physically sometime soon down the road.

    I have a cousin whose daughter met and married a lawyer she met online. They have a beautiful home, baby and life. He treats her like his queen. But it was only a couple of states apart and he made the effort to go see her often.

    Sometimes absence makes the heart grow stronger with love...and some times it just makes two hearts grow apart. Whatever you decide to do I hope it works out the very best for both of you. Sometimes making a list
    of pros and cons helps, where you can see in black and white whether something is worth the cons or not.
    Good luck! Bambi
  8. fibrohugslife

    fibrohugslife New Member

    Wooo this pain is bad, and this Tylenol3 is just NOT working for me. It's like my fibro gave the med a slap down and said nice try LOL.

    Anyway I wanted to say that he is working an extra job to pay off a debt he has as he likes to be debt free, so that is the reason why he is doing the two jobs thing. He got sick about two weeks ago and missed a lot of work from both jobs so that set him back a bit.

    He is also trying to grow into another position in his career, and this would eliminate him from needing to work two jobs. Now for us well the distance will not be for a long period of time, as we are looking into the future but we just have to see how things go.

  9. JLH

    JLH New Member

    I would say "yes". Since you two are from coast to coast apart and will probably not see each other (in person) very often, you are really carrying on just a close friendship.

    Pick your battles. Why get in a tissy over phone calls. He works 2 jobs, and you are home most of the day. Also, consider the time change! Someone is always going to be tired, out of the house, or asleep.

    I say, call each other when you can, and spend the rest of your time emailing each other when you both have time.

    In the meantime, if someone in your own community asks you for a date, by all means say "yes."

  10. fibrohugslife

    fibrohugslife New Member

    Thanks everyone for your advice. As for giving up the relationship well I can't necessarily do that yet, I really want to see where this goes before just canning it, and I don't see it as a dead end or anything as there is great potential in it.

    As for my expectations I learned today myself that oh my gosh they were way unrealistic LOL.

    I must tell you though about me and dating relationships because there seemed to be an assumption that I feel like I would not be able to meet anybody else due to my illness and that is not the case for me and I do not feel that way at all. I know that there are plenty of guys out there that would LOVE to go out with me, and be my boyfriend and the like, so I do not worry about meeting someone else. I know that there will always be someone out there for me, so that is not a worry or concern for me. I do have confidence in myself in a lot of areas these days and it has been a great time of growth for me for the last few years. I have met guys that were cool with me being ill, and many knew someone that either has the same illness, or have family that has it, or they have an illness themselves they deal with.

    I KNOW that I am great catch to whomever the lucky guy will be. Believe me I have ABSOLUTELY no problems finding a date or meeting guys. I learned that a lot last year when I decided to try to learn how date, and I got asked out left and right. I had to do a schedule for my dates because there were too many LOL. So on that note, I do want to let you know that I have full confidence that there are other guys out there for me.

    There is something different that stood out about him when I first started talking to him and our friendship and relationship has grown from there. I was suppose to fly out to go see him next month but I am still not doing very well physically. So after he finishes with his second job, which will be soon he will fly out and come see me again. The last time I saw him was over Christmas when I flew out to the east coast to see my family, and he drove out which took a few hours to come see me.

    We worked out a plan of when we will chat with each other, so we both have something to look forward to.

    So I thank you for your comments and all. For me right now I really want to continue to give this a try and see where it goes. If it goes somewhere then good, fine, wonderful, and if it doesn't work then good, fine and wonderful as well.

    Oh to answer your question my online business pertains to rubber stamping and scrapbooking. I still have the business but have not been as active as I would like to be. I am a consultant for a rubber stamp company. So I am really wanting to rebuild my website or have my online friend do the site for me, and get things going again.

    Besides that I am looking for something else that I can do from home that can generate a little bit of income and wanted to do some of the work from home things but due to living with family I do not have the capabilities to do them, soooo LOL, I will figure out something that I can do. Or find something or somewhere that I can work at for once or twice a week but my body is not there yet for physically working at a location. *Cry* LOL Yes I really miss working.

    Much love,

    [This Message was Edited on 02/13/2006]
    [This Message was Edited on 02/13/2006]

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