unsupportive spouce

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by beth0818, Oct 23, 2005.

  1. beth0818

    beth0818 New Member

    my fiance walked in on me viewing this site today and revealed for the first time that he thinks cfs is bull**** and that it is all in my head. i replied that i can't marry someone that thinks i am lying to get attention.....now i am left feeling alone. does anyone live with someone who is unsupportive? how do you deal with it?
  2. Rosiebud

    Rosiebud New Member

    sorry about your problems with your fiancee.

    Look up the Canadian Guidelines on CFS at www.mefmaction.net

    These are the official guidelines in Canada and it is against the law for a medical practitioner to not treat CFS as a REAL disease.

    Let him read this.

  3. Dolphin_lover

    Dolphin_lover New Member

    it will only get worse. Marriage is hard and stressfull enough when both spouses are healthy. When one gets a chronic illness, it compounds everything! Everything will be harder... children, relationships, finances, etc.
    If he is unsupportive now, things will get worse later. Especially when you relapse or other medical problems arise because of this DD.

    won't give you any advice, except that I would put off marriage with this guy indefinately until he changes his view of this illness and you! It could easily turn abusive. I see the stress on your horizon with this guy. Be strong. Get counseling... Good luck!
    [This Message was Edited on 10/23/2005]
  4. beth0818

    beth0818 New Member

    thanks for your responses. finding this website has been a blessing. i have felt so alone with my illness until now
  5. JLH

    JLH New Member

    You need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Everyone knows that when two people are not married, they tend to be on their best behavior!

    He has been doing this all along about your cfs and not relayed his true thoughts. When he saw you on the site today, his real thoughts must have "slipped out".

    Why does he think you would make up medical problems? This is what you need to find out. What else doesn't he believe you about when you discuss how you feel?

    I hate to tell you but, after you get married, everything about both of your personalities will change! Some for the better, and some for the worse.

    Would you want him to belittle you every time that you mention that you don't feel good? What about if you don't feel like cleaning house for days, etc.

    You have a lot to think about before you marry this guy!

    Good luck, honey. We're hear for you anytime you need us.


    P.S. But you can't let our thoughts about your relationship change your mind about marrying this guy. Only you know if you can live with his attitude or not. Maybe his good points far outweight this bad point.
  6. busybusymom

    busybusymom New Member

    I recently posted on this topic!! Look under my name and you will find it. I couldn't believe how many replies I got - I really opened a can of worms!!

    My advice to you is DO NOT MARRY HIM!!!!!! To this day, I still think my husband thinks my CFS is in my head. He is extremely passive-agressive and has even told me that I don't need to see anymore doctors (I am always looking for answers or new therapies). He views me as a hypochondriac. My husband is a cop, and there were times where I had to ask him to take time off from work to take me to dr's appts because I physically could not drive. Most of the time he would, but he DID NOT like asking his boss for the time (we are talking maybe an hour per appt). Mind you, he has 750 hours of sick time and 450 hours of vacation time earned. In one of our many heated arguments (more heated on my part), I asked him if I embarrased him, if he is embarrassed to talk about me to his coworkers. His answer, "YES, you do." I felt like a knife hit me in the back. Here I am his SICK wife, with a REAL sickness, and I EMBARASS him!!! If you marry this person when he has this attitude about your disease already, you will be a very, very lonely person - I can say this with so much assurance because I AM A VERY LONELY PERSON and feel like I am living alone in a house with three kids and no husband.

    If I had known my husband would react to a crisis like this before I married him, I guarentee you, I never would have married him. You need to find someone who will love you for WHO YOU ARE, not WHAT YOU AREN'T, and WHAT YOU CAN DO, and not WHAT YOU CAN'T DO!!

    I am so sorry to hear this. Sounds to me like he is giving you a suttle hint that he can;t handle your disease. Is that someone you really want to be with for the rest of your life??

  7. jfrustrated

    jfrustrated New Member

    You life is hard enough without an unsupportive partner. Be grateful that he is your fiance and not your husband. I do not think he will change no matter how much evidence or information you give him. Better to call off a wedding than have to deal with a divorce. Perhaps he is unwilling to commit to someone who, deep down, he really knows IS sick because it will be too hard for him? I would not like to commit to someone with CFS. Maybe now is a good time for him to become a friend/boyfriend rather than a fiance. You are feeling alone, but that will pass. Get another dog - they might love you more and be more able to handle their owner's being ill.
  8. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    Not believe that I am really ill or that I have anything that would cause me to need such strong narcotic pain meds. HE hats my pain doctor , also he has never met him , he firmly believes that I am addicted to the MOrphine that i am one.

    So I went to the pain doctor last week and had him not prescribe the MScontin as I had not been taking them all for the past few months and I didn't feel comforatable with having more than a months worth of them. so I had him not prescribe them for this month. So am I addicted if I can take less of the meds that I have that are narcotic and do
    it every day.

    I was only takeing 2-3 a day instead of the 5 I am rx'ed. And some days it was just 2 pills but then I had a gall bladder attack and then my gallbladder surgery so I have gone back 4 a day instead of 5.

    So does this make me a drug addict> When I can stop cold turkey and not take the amount that I am prescribed? I am not addicted depeneant yes. So I have learned to not talk about the pain , or wht pain pills I take or that I take them ,When I don't talk about the pain or the pills my husbandis kinder and more understanding about my taking things slower like to day.

    We are having our house apparised and I have to clean 2 rooms and he has the rest all the bed room , bath room, the entire down stairs all of the out side, and I have to clean the kitchen and living room. I have teh kidchen almost done but standing is making the legs hurt so much more that I was in tears today to he said to me to take some time out and rest so that I won't be so much
    pain. And I did.

    I told him that I felt bad because he had worked so hard anddone 5 x as much as I have and he hurts , yet he tells me that I am doing just fine and he is proud of me for working so hard. I did cry because he really meant it and for 1 minute it felt like he understood how I feel each and every day of my life.

    IF your sweet heart can't accept your illness now think how much worse it will be in 25 years. I didn't have this {or maybe I did who knows} at the time we married. And it has coaused us some stress in ourmarriage. WE have been to a counsler because he had such a tough time understanding why I was in more pain now that when I was younger. Having these DD only makes your live more pinfull as time goes on. So if he does not believe you now don't be with him.

    Men raarley change in things like sickness. They need to be able to see it on a test or a X-Ray they need proof that you are sick and with this you don't have anything that will show him what it is you have.

    I was thinking that he had changed his way of thinking but I was wrong. AFter his Mother passed due to much stress we seperated for {9 months} and with the counsleing we are together now but he made the statement that his mother did n't have lupus and she did for years . She had so many tests that showed she had it. And when she got sick it was not from an "ILLNESS" the flu or blood clots no it was from having " NO IMMUNE SYSTEM" at all. There was no thing that could be done for her so for 22 days they gave her meds antibitoics and it didn't do anything and she left us. But strangely enough it made me feel better. IF he didn't believe his own mother that she lupus. So if he can"t belive in his mothers illness then who am I to complian about him not thinking I am sick with what I have.

    WE manage to get through it day by day and if thing will worwk out they will. REmember the saying " LOve is not your till you set if free and it comes backs to you "

    Take care of you and don't worry about him. LEarn all you cal ablut what you have and show it to him there are many palace to go to get a letter to normals that tells all about fibro and explains it to those who don't have it. Take care of your self.

  9. beth0818

    beth0818 New Member

    thank you again for your insight/input. since my fiance and i don't seem able to have a rational conversation about this, i wrote him a letter this morning. I told him that he needs to think long and hard about his eliefs toward me and my illness. i wrote that i can not marry him if he thinks i am a liar....now we are both going to work....and i guess i will get a response this evening. bty...our fight left me feeling like crap physically. ironic, seeing as that is what we were fighting about
  10. SoxFan

    SoxFan New Member

    The two of you really have to reach an understanding about your health issues before you get married. Marriage is tough enough without entering into it with such a huge issue pulling you apart.

    I think you have made a great first step in putting your feelings down on paper for him. I strongly suggest that you help him get as educated as possible on your illness. Suggest articles for him to read, and have him accompany you to a doctor's visit.

    Best wishes...
  11. elsa

    elsa New Member

    Beth, ... You are so level headed and strong. I wish I had it as together as you do when I was 27. Just think of the wrong moves that could have been avoided!

    I'm sorry that you have to go through with this. I can't think of too many more painful things then having your better half not believe in your illness. I just don't understand how that happens ... How are people wired that allows them to think that way? How much of it relates to selfishness? ... Fear?

    I wish there was more I could say. You really seem to have this well in hand and thought through clearly on your own.

    My husband is not perfect ... but then who is? He does however not only believe in CFS/FM, but wants only for me "to feel well enough to do the things I love".

    I only mentioning him to reaffirm that the "good guys" are out there. If your current fiance doesn't turn out to be one, then you will cross paths with the perfect mate for you soon enough.

    Please let us know how you are doing. I'll think very positively for you.

    Take care,

  12. beth0818

    beth0818 New Member

    we were finally able to converse about my illnes like adults...haha. he suffers from chronic kidney stones and i reminded him of the time we rushed to the Er and a cat scan revealed that there were no stones to be seen. I believed he was in pain despite the lack of evidence. that hit home for him and he has said that he loves me enough to support me. love is hard enough and i am sure the wedding has him jittery. I am scared butat the same time i feel like we are moving in the righr direction. I am old enough to know what real love is and I know i have it with my fiance.
  13. elsa

    elsa New Member

    Everything worked out. Nothing like talking things over like grown ups!

    I think that was an excellent analogy you used to make your point. Nothing like using a real life painful example from his own health issue to highlight his incorrect assumptions concerning CFS/FM.

    I might would still print out Canada's definition and guranteed treatment of CFS for his added benefit.

    Congratulations and best wishes!! Thanks for letting me know things worked out so well.

    Take care,